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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » My bf is 210cm & I'm 160cm - both virgins - he's too big for me and I'm too small

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Author Topic: My bf is 210cm & I'm 160cm - both virgins - he's too big for me and I'm too small
livz
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This is going to be quite a long message with a few questions but I desperately need some advice. Ive never felt so lost so please be patient with me and help!
I've searched for answers online but it seems like there are too many different type of answers so I feel the need to have a personal response instead.

Question 1.
Im 18 years old and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is 22. I am 53 (1.60cm) and my boyfriend is 68 (2.10cm) so hes pretty tall!
I started dating my boyfriend when I was 16 and he told me that he would be ready to have sex with me once I turned 18 because it would make him feel more comfortable. So until I turned 18, we have been experimenting with each other orally and have done a lot of research about sex online together so that when the time comes, we could be extremely prepared for it.
Because of his tall height, he is quite big down there (almost bigger than average, I would say about 20cm when erect I think?) and I feel that with my short height, Im too small down there for him to fit. So I suggested that I should stretch myself out by inserting fingers when I masturbate so I could get used to the sex beforehand.
In the past year so far of attempting to masturbate with my fingers (because so far I have only masturbated by massaging the clitoris) I have been able to fit only 1 finger inside (even when Im wet and with lube) and (again, because of the size difference) my boyfriend couldnt even fit his 1 finger inside me without me feeling pain.
Whenever I attempt putting 2 fingers inside I feel like Im being violently torn so I stop. But even when I have that one finger inserted inside it feels quite uncomfortable (but Im guessing thats because Im not used to inserting things inside the vagina yet?)
Hes gone away to study now so at the moment we have been having a difficult 1 year long-distance relationship and we only see each other during the holidays which (now that Ive turned 18) when we do see each other we attempt to have sex each time.
Each time we have attempted to have sex something ALWAYS goes wrong. The most times because of the location since we both dont own cars yet and live with our parents; But, once we do have the perfect location, time and mood heavily set it still just wont fit inside of me; not even the tip of his penis. Most times it causes me too much pain and then, because of the pain, the mood becomes completely destroyed.
Us both being virgins and having a long distance relationship is becoming extremely stressful for both of us and I feel like my relationship is slowly falling apart and its all because I dont know how to overcome this fear.
I definitely want to have sex with him but it seems impossible. Even when I tell him to just force it in there quickly he says that I block it and he doesnt want to hurt me.
In September I will be living with him so the location is all settled, but I have no idea what to do with myself. I thought that by doing all this research, it would bring our relationship so much closer but it seems like its slowly tearing us apart.

Question 2.
On top of all this, hes now suggesting that we should try anal sex first instead but I dont see how that could make it better? Or could it? Is the a-hole much more flexible than the vagina or will it hurt even more? (taking his size into consideration here!)

Question 3.
Also, say once I do manage to have sex with him, wont his size still be too big? Some friends of mine told me that their boyfriends once went so deep that they hit their cervix and had some stomach pains and trouble sitting down properly for a while.

I dont want to find a new boyfriend with a smaller penis to make sex more enjoyable for me [Frown]


Please please help! I've never been so stressed [Frown]

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Heather
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Before anything else, it sounds to me like you could use some information on your own anatomy, such as understanding that a) your height has no impact on your vagina and b) pain probably is about something other than size.

Okay? So, let me drop you a few links to start with, then we can talk some more so we're a bit more on the same page.

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy
Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

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livz
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Thanks for answering - That was really fast! I wasn't expecting answer any time soon!
I've read all those links before but I'm reading them all again anyway just to make sure I didn't miss anything out.

I know that all vaginas can stretch to any size but I find it so strange that all my friends could have sex straight on attempt number 1 with their 2 month boyfriends and I cant even do it with my 2 year boyfriend. So it must be sort of a mental thing?

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Lilerse
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It took me 4 tries (each with a different guy, and over the course of 5 months) to lose my virginity (have vaginal intercourse). You're not alone.
I would recommend more finger play, as well as purchasing a dildo or two (different sizes) and working up to the larger one (this REALLY helped me). Also, make sure you are psychologically ready (so yes, it is a mental thing) - this is the most important. I thought I was ready with the first three guys, but apparently I wasn't. So even though you've been with your boyfriend for two years, and it sounds like you're psychologically ready, it's not necessarily true. So make sure you're REALLY comfortable with him and with the idea of having sex with him; and of course spend lots of time on foreplay before attempting penetration. This will help a lot. But it sounds like you're making a lot of the right steps already. Good luck!

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Lilerse
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oh yeah something else - although missionary (with the guy on top) is generally the best position for the first time, girl on top might work better because of your height difference. Or else you might feel a little smothered.
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livz
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So I've done my research with the anal question! guess I should try it another time, preferably much later after I have sex.

And about buying the dildos - I'd prefer to do that once I move out of my parents house!

Hmmm.. I guess everything might work out better once I live with my boy because then that means we can experiment everyday, use the dildo and fingers + lube rather then experiment a few times per month. But its just the wait that's becoming stressful. We both go so stressed about it that once we were actually considering of getting extremely drunk together to just get it over and done with! Its insane!
I'm very open with him and so is he - even if I was born with a penis on my forehead he would still love me so I don't really mind how I look around him and I'm always comfortable with him.
Thanks for the position tip!

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livz
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What about the cervix?
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Heather
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What about your cervix?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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livz
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Question 3.
Also, say once I do manage to have sex with him, wont his size still be too big? Some friends of mine told me that their boyfriends once went so deep that they hit their cervix and had some stomach pains and trouble sitting down properly for a while.

is that true?

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Heather
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Yes and no.

Two things:

1) If a woman has intercourse when she isn't fully aroused yet, her cervix will not pull back the way it does when we ARE aroused.

2) If male-bodied partners are just plugging away, not really paying attention to how their partner is feeling and what she says feels good (mind, if she says nothing, they can't know, so people need to communicate), or are being too rough, going to deep for comfort, then yes.

But both these things can usually be avoided very easily if a) women only have intercourse when they are very sexually excited and physically aroused AND want that sexually and b) women and men communicate together during sex about what's feeling good and what isn't.

To be clear, your partner does not sound like he has a monster penis or anything. The size you're describing is above average, but not highly above. And again, partners who do have longer penises do not need to be inserting them to the base if that's not comfortable for their partners.

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About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SpiderGirl91
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I've had the same problem with my boyfriend....a few things I've learned:

girl on top sometimes works better for getting his penis solidly inside you. and you can always pull out if it starts stretching too much. We still haven't really gotten in missionary...it hurts a little too much just yet [Razz] just go slow, whatever position you're in!

you're gonna have to get used to having something in your vagina too...I remember when I used to have a hard time with 2 fingers, but don't give up on it! use lots of lube too...it's hard to get anything into a dry vagina [Razz] haha

and also, things go a lot more smoothly when you're aroused. have you tried anything after some good foreplay?

hope I helped a little (:

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Adviceguy158
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I would like to ask if you have seen your OB/GYN yet about this and if you have had any screenings? It seems like to me that your very nervous about it and it also seems like you don't tolerate pain too well. One thing you should also do is research "vaginismus" It is possible, but not a definate cause that you could be suffering from vaginismus in this case.
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livz
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Yeah I think I just have to keep trying I guess. I never tried it on top it never occurred to me to try that haha!
Okay maybe next time I'll try spending the whole day doing it cause some times its only just about an hour or so

-No I haven't seen anyone yet. I'll keep trying and then see what happened and if I have any more problems, I know who to ask [Razz]
thanks

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Adviceguy158
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NO DON'T KEEP TRYING! You maybe making the problem worse by trying all the time. Please see your ob/gyn first.
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Heather
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Adviceguy: it's not cool to yell at users here.

Suggesting someone has vaginismus due to issues with intercourse with one partner is not reasonable. By all means, I'd agree that a visit to the OB/GYN to just check in with everything would be sound (though more to check for infections and/or possible hymen issues, again, vaginismus doesn't sound at all likely since she has inserted a fingers).

As well, if this keeps hurting, it would be sound for her to stop, but there is no need to yell at her or make it sound like she's hurting herself, here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lilerse
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Yeah vaginismus is highly unlikely. It is something I considered when I had trouble having intercourse for the first time, but there are lot of girls who have gone through the same experience as me (and you livz) and vaginismus is not the cause.
Also, I just finally looked up how many inches 20 cm is (I'm so bad at converting), and your guy is about the same size as the guy I lost my virginity to (though I don't know about girth, which obviously makes a difference). It will work eventually; it's not abnormally large (which unfortunately my current boyfriend is and we've had sex many times and it still hurts!). And it is unlikely he'll bump your cervix too much, especially if you're fully aroused and stick to positions where you can control how deep he goes.
So don't worry. Most of the girls who keep having hurting problems after successfully having intercourse have partners with much larger penises. So don't worry about it too much!

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Lilerse
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p.s. just to reiterate an earlier suggestion - buy a dildo and start de-tightening!! it seriously saved me. [Smile]
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Heather
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I want to make sure it's clear that dildos or anything else inserted into the vagina does not "de-tighten" or untighten it.

To be clear, the vagina is not static in it's shape, size or "tightness." Rather, it expands more or less easily at any given time primarily due to both arousal and relaxation.

So, using dilators or dildos gradually can and does certainly help some women learn to relax and feel more comfortable with something inside the vagina, so those things very much can help in the way. (They might not for every woman, but they can.) But what they are NOT doing is magically changing the way that anatomy works and making the vagina permanently less tight or more loose. After using one, and after becoming unaroused, the vagina goes back to the same collapsed tube it always is when nothing is inside of it.

[ 03-12-2010, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lilerse
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This is true, I was not trying to suggest that vaginas themselves permanently change with use of a dildo. But using a dildo DID help me be able to have intercourse, regardless of the reasons.
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Heather
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I hear that -- and also made clear in my response that that certainly can and do help some women -- it's just important we watch how we frame certain things here in terms of making sure we're not enabling ideas about anatomy that aren't true and that are also very pervasive.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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livz
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This might sound rather disgusting but a friend of mine told me she had sex with her boyfriend while she was on her period and that she wouldn't mind doing it again. I can see how this might work because I guess your period acts sort of like lube?
does having sex while on your period damage anything? of course the guy would be wearing a condom but will everything be okay internally? And not that I am thinking about doing this but do you think loosing your virginity while your on your period might be helpful?

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Horizon
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Livs, a woman who has intercourse during her period is in no risk of harm-- it's perfectly fine. It's just a matter of what the sexual partners prefer.

However, water-based lubricant would work better at reducing friction than menstrual blood would. Blood becomes sticky rather fast and probably works against its purpose, whereas lubricant stays slick!

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"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

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longlost
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I first attempted sex when i was 16, and tried many times with other guys-- i didn't have sex for the first time until i was 19. I am your size also, and when i was experimenting i felt like these guys were so huge they'd split me in two! Sometimes i wasn't aroused enough, lubed enough, often guys said i "blocked it" too, I never masterbated with fingers and was uncomfortable with fingering.

I think it's a mental thing-- because i was so afraid of the pain. I was so worried about how bad it would hurt that i tensed up and then no penis could even enter. And so I summed it up to me "not being ready". The first time i DID have sex it didn't hurt AT ALL... it went in so easily and i controlled it. Perhaps you should try a condom with TONS of lube and do girl on top position so that you can control how slowly you want to do it, relax and make sure you are VERY WELL aroused, i think no matter how much lube you need to also be naturally wet and turned on to be physically ready.

My personal experiences are similar to what you are experiencing. maybe you're just not ready? Just because you're 18 doesn't mean you are magically ready for sex.

My little sister just turned 19 and shes trying to have sex with her bf for the first time, shes been able to do it but she says shes having extreme pain everytime and only doing it to please him-- you need to be pleased yourself! make sure your entire encounter is always pleasurable for yourself also, perhaps you'll have discomfort your first time but make yourself ready-- no matter what your research says its the hands on that's going to count.

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Lilerse
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I had the same experience as longlost. It is very much a mental thing. I thought I was ready with the other guys, but I wasn't. You may think you're psychologically ready but your body knows otherwise.
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Ronlak111
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In this types of problem fist of all girl has to reduce the fear from her mind that some thing bad done with her vigina. If fear not reduce then try with one finger first then try with two finger if feel not comfertable then try dildo. Dildo give good pleasure. Then use diffrent size of dildo and try to remove fear from mind. Basically this types of problems are creating with fear mind. But it can be reduce with probper guidence and make helpfull to enjoy the pleasure of Sex.

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Rons

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