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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Don't Have Sex With Him/Her If...

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Author Topic: Don't Have Sex With Him/Her If...
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Because this can be a prevailing theme here sometimes, I thought I'd put it out to all of you to pitch in on total dealbreakers, in your opinion, when it comes to becoming sexually involved with someone.

This can be about why to decline because of your own safety and well-being (as well as your own and shared pleasure!), about theirs, about the health of relationship, whatever.

I'll put out a few to help get your started.

Don't Have Sex With Him/Her If...
They aren't as invested as you are in sexual health, and won't do the basic things you do yourself (like testing) to be responsible and take care of both of you.
They make statements which make clear that they don't respect you, or a broad group you belong to, like your whole gender or race.
They pressure you. At all. Ever.
They frame sex as something they need, rather than as something that's about what both of you want and will share.
Listening appears to be a skill they do not possess.
They either say no, hedge, or only seem to be saying yes because they know you want them to.
They show you that they don't feel comfortable with their body around you.
They just blow off possible risks of unwanted consequences for either of you.

[ 01-28-2010, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Don't have sex with anyone if you're doing it only to make them happy. Sex should make all parties involved happy, and all parties should be giving enthusiastic consent.
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Scarleteen Volunteer
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... If you are not sure that both of you are on the same page as to where this is going afterwards...
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Scarleteen Volunteer
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You've heard from someone else (a reliable someone else) that they raped or abused a previous partner, even if no conviction resulted (because really, how often do convictions happen? rarely).


They tell you that they raped/abused a previous partner.

You only feel lukewarm about them and really don't find them physically attractive, even if they seem to be very nice, but you're worried you won't find someone you're really attracted to for a while.

[ 01-28-2010, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Member # 44381

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Don't have sex with someone if you know they've been dishonest.

Don't have sex with someone if you know they've treated someone else badly (not abuse necessarily). There's no reason why they couldn't treat you badly as well.

And relatedly, (others may disagree with this) don't have sex with someone if you know they're in a monogamous relationship with someone else, or if you know that sex with you is not part of their relationship agreement with their partner/s.

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Scarleteen Volunteer
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Don't have sex with him/her if:

-you feel or they say that you owe it to them for some reason. For ANY reason.

-it would put you in a dangerous situation (such as performing oral on someone who is operating a moving car).

The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Member # 13388

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Don't have sex with him/her if you're doing it to "prove" you're gay/straight/etc.: not to that person, not to others, not to yourself.

It's one thing if you're not sure of your orientation or don't want to label yourself or restrict yourself in any way; however, it's another thing if you're feeling ambivalent or not entirely comfortable with something or someone but feel the need to continue. Chances are you'll be attracted to many people over your lifetime and will of other chances and choices to be with someone who you're into for who they are. Because, as it's been said before at Scarleteen, no one likes being another's guinea pig. And no one person can possibly represent every single person of that gender or sex.


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Peer Ambassador
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Don't have sex with him/her if...

you are doing it to rebel

you are bored

From personal experience, not a good thing to do.


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