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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » so wtf is this intercourse thing for, anyway (...other than getting pregnant)

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Author Topic: so wtf is this intercourse thing for, anyway (...other than getting pregnant)
evilcat
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Hey there,

I don't want to sound paranoid xD. So, I'm a virgin [tm] (I define it in my case by 'I did not had intercourse'... or generally any other sexual activities with other person. I do masturbate by myself and I know what I like in it and I orgasm multiple times when masturbating) and I read a bit of articles at Scarleteen about intercourse and other things and i got pretty... maybe not even scared, but rather annoyed with all this 'women don't orgasm from intercourse alone', 'intercourse isn't necessarily pleasing for women', etc. OK, fine, I understand that first intercourse might not be the best experience on the world since I'm not 'stretched' xD there and stuff, I can handle that thought. I'm still curious how is it like, even if first intercourse might not be as pleasing as my masturbation. I assumed/hoped that with time I'll stretch a bit more xD and next ones will not hurt that much and will actually be fun and all. And now comes knowledge I got from the articles... it's pretty confusing. Sure I understand that guy just doing only this to me without other stuff is NOT a good idea, I realize that much :] but now, will foreplay just make intercourse 'less annoying' or actually something more than perspective of a live nightmare? [Wink]

Please note that I'm NOT interested in super-emotional relationships, 'giving' something that wouldn't please me to guy or whatever. I'm interested in sex as totally recreational thing! I don't want to prove love or anything, I just want to have a lot of fun. I'm mature enough to understand that I have to listen to guy's needs too if I don't want him to dislike sex with me and run away in terror xP but I will only agree to things that are pleasing to BOTH of us, not for him only for example.

So what's with this intercourse thing, anyway? Is it just simply biologically pleasing for males and for females other things are more entertaining, and whatever I or he will do it can only be 'fine enough to handle' for me and I'll enjoy for example fingering better *in general*? Or, my body just needs stretching xD aaaaand when I'll be more stretched down there it'll be better than fingering/licking/whatever?

Will it get better (and by 'better' I don't mean 'managable'. I want something truly fun!) with time or it just *is* overrated and in the end, after I'll try few times and know more about it I'll not really want it and end up begging my partner teasingly for licking? *cough*

Just PLEASE don't post stuff like 'if you're both in love it will be, uhm, MAGICALLY great anyway!!' because overly-emotional stuff like this turns me off and makes me feel like on sunday mass xP. Sure it's all emotional to degree, after all it's about my body which is very private thing... but I would like to hear something for people that are more into 'friends with benefits' type of stuff than 'love for life' thing.

'Sorry' [Wink] if my post isn't the most polite out there... but that topic is really, really huge concern for me [Wink] . Halp xD.

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strumpet
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Ok, well, for me intercourse is definitely tided to emotional connection. So take everything that I say here with a grain of salt.
That being said, it is physically a lot of fun, if you and your partner are communicating about what feels good and what doesn't. I think intercourse has gotten a bad rap because its become acceptable for it to be boring and/or unpleasant for women. And, of course, not everyone likes the same thing, so for some people, it is!
Because of this, I think a lot of couples don't bother trying to make it good for both parties simply because they don't think its possible. Well, take it from me: it is possible. Different positions are going to stimulate in different areas for different partners, so its really about finding what is right and pleasurable for you. And don't worry if you can't orgasm from intercourse alone! Lots of women can't. If you're enjoying it anyway, then have fun and enjoy it, and find other ways to achieve orgasm with your partner.
The bottom line really is, experiment and communicate with your partner. Find what you like, and don't limit yourself to penis-in-vagina intercourse. There is a lot more than that out there, and its all a lot of fun.

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evilstrawberry
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Stretching really has nothing to do with it, and I'm sure someone else will post and give a better explanation on that than I can...
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/a_few_choice_words_about_tightness
^possibly helpful.

But really, I just wanted to respond to what you're saying with some of my personal experience, because I'm, well, bewildered by the idea that sex(intercourse) should be thought of as "less annoying."

"I understand that guy just doing only this to me without other stuff is NOT a good idea,"

"simply biologically pleasing for males and for females other things are more entertaining"

I know you said you read articles on this, and while it is true for many it is not necessarily going to be true for you. Many women get pleasure out of intercourse, personally I enjoy it VERY much (at times moreso than other things) although it is only one of various sexual activities.

You really can't know what your preferences are going to be until you've tried it with a partner. In many ways it is overrated, but it's still pretty damn awesome (in my humble opinion).

One thing I kind of disagree with is your expectation that you can have sex with zero emotional involvement. I know people do it, but I also think that, especially for the first time, you do form a bond with that person. After all, you are sharing, in your own words "a very private thing" - your body. Regardless of any expectation of "love" there's a certain level of trust and respect involved in that.

Just my two cents [Smile]

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September
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evilcat, welcome to Scarleteen! [Smile]

I'm sorry that our articles have confused you so much. Here is why we say what we do about sexual intercourse: with the way that it is presented in our culture, many teens come away with the idea that intercourse is the only sex worth having (that it is the only 'sex' there is, period!), that it is somehow inherently more special than all other sexual activity, that it is all you need in a fulfilled, mutually beneficial sex life, and that it's always guaranteed to be pleasurable for both partners involved (and that if someone doesn't like it, there is something wrong with them).

And I'm sure that you can see how that is not a very useful idea at all.

After all, intercourse is only one of many different types of sexual activity, and there is nothing about it that makes it inherently more 'special' or more 'intimate'. People are unique and diverse, and which sexual activity they like best is very individual. And it's also likely to change a few times over the course of their lives.

Also, while intercourse certainly can be very pleasurable and enjoyable for many women, it is not the activity most likely to bring us to orgasm, simply because of the way our body is constructed: the vaginal canal doesn't have very many nerve endings beyond the first couple of inches.

So, this 'intercourse thing' is good for the same thing that all other sexual activities are good for: if you like it, then it's good for engaging in it with your partner and having a great time! [Big Grin]

One last night on stretchy vaginas: The vagina is a muscle. It will expand with arousal, and then return to its original state afterwards. So how 'stretchy' your vagina is depends not on how many times you have had penetrative sex, but on how relaxed and aroused you are. And it also means that first time intercourse doesn't have to be painful at all: you just have to make sure to be very aroused and relaxed, to use lots of lube, and to have a partner who is gentle and careful.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Love-Life
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Hey Evilcat!

The fact is that just because sex is less pleasurable for women than men, and it is normal for women to not reach orgasm, it doesn't make sex annoying, or bad, or something women *do* to keep men happy. Sex is all about communication, and whether it is a "friends with benefits" type thing or a "in love" kind of thing, good communication is key to making any sexual activity enjoyable for both parties.

In my opinion, expecting to orgasm from any type of partnered, or solo for that matter, sexual activity every single time is a unrealistic for both men and women. Many, many things affect one's ability to orgasm and sometimes you just have to go with what you're given at the time. Personally, I have had a lot going on lately and I haven't had an orgasm with my partner in a few weeks, and even if I masturbate I don't always orgasm... Just the way life, our bodies, and stress go together.

Now, that being said, it doesn't mean I don't enjoy sexual activity just because I don't reach orgasm (and I definitely don't do it only because my boyfriend wants to). Things still feel good, and sometimes very very good. I enjoy vaginal intercourse, as well as other types of sexual activity. I do firmly believe that if a woman is having painful intercourse for the first few times, then later going on to having painless intercourse, it is due to a lack of lubrication and not being fully aroused at the time. Personally, I had a terrible "first few times" with a few boyfriends, but in each instance I can pin point exactly why it wasn't enjoyable either because of stress or lack of lubrication, or both.

But, we can not tell you how it will be for you. Please don't think that you should just try to "get sex over with" because that will lead to a less than desireable first time for you. Sex is something you should look forward to trying and be prepared for emotionally and physically. Check out this link, it is by far my favourite article on the site.
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
and also check out Reciprocity, Reloaded and Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. (I would also read up on the link that Evilstrawberry gave)

I also feel the need to mention that it is not "overly-emotional" for some people to believe that being in love will lead to wonderful sex. Scarleteen is a safe space where no one is judged for anything, and saying that someone believing that being in love leads to great sex is not overly emotional, they just have a different perspective, which is okay. And imho, being in love with your partner can lead to better communication between partners and a better experience.

Hope this helps [Smile]

Edit: Meant to post this last night - silly internet

[ 11-25-2009, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Love-Life ]

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Heather
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Just waking up, and this is a great conversation I'll have more to add to once I have some coffee in my system, but I also want to make sure you've seen this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/why_would_intercourse_feel_good_for_women

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Why don't you drop a line when you've read that piece, evilcat, and then I can add some more.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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evilcat
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First - thanks for posting, everyone ^^. I'm glad i got so many interesting answers.

quote:
Ok, well, for me intercourse is definitely tided to emotional connection. So take everything that I say here with a grain of salt.
...but your post was very helpful, actually. Thanks for posting!

quote:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/a_few_choice_words_about_tightness
Oh. Now i got this 'wow' moment. I guess i learned something new xPP. Geez, now i feel stupid that i though about stretching and stuff, lol.

quote:
because I'm, well, bewildered by the idea that sex(intercourse) should be thought of as "less annoying."
Same here. That's why i asked. *cough*

quote:
evilcat, welcome to Scarleteen!
Hello :o

quote:

The fact is that just because sex is less pleasurable for women than men,

Wat? *cough*
(^yeah, i know it's not good english, but i'm just joking nervously)

quote:
Many, many things affect one's ability to orgasm
Yeah, I think I understand what you mean here.

quote:
I also feel the need to mention that it is not "overly-emotional" for some people to believe that being in love will lead to wonderful sex. Scarleteen is a safe space where no one is judged for anything, and saying that someone believing that being in love leads to great sex is not overly emotional, they just have a different perspective, which is okay.
I'm not sure if i wrote this in a bit mean way or not... maybe i did it subconsciously, honestly i'm not the nicest person in the universe so maybe my mean character showed up... especially in such stressing topic. But this is NOT what i meant. I tried to say that such things are overly-emotional *for me*. I'm not searching for love of my life/'the one' (i don't even believe in the whole 'second half' concept, for me everyone is 'full' and second person is just addition), i need a lot of space just for myself (i'm quite weird mix of extrovert and introvert characteristics but that's long topic in itself xP), i'm not into monogamy at all and i'm interested in sex as entertainment (well, duh, different than watching tv o___O but still xP) and not as expression of whatever. It's not the easiest thing to say even online because some people will think that... in 'best' case that i'm total whore and i want to do it with everyone i see (ehem -_-) and in worst that i'm total psycho and i don't feel anything (which is not the case) and maybe even that i want to, uhm... use my sexual partner(s)? Even though i honestly don't understand what's so abusive about doing something entertaining with someone (assuming that it's entertaining for that second person too). So my point is that it's rather more possible that i will be judged xP than females with more 'expected/typical' attitudes about sex. But i thought i should specify at least some of my thoughts on this in my post so i won't get answers that are incompatible with my... personality.

quote:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/why_would_intercourse_feel_good_for_women
I feel better now *cough*

quote:
'll have more to add to once I have some coffee in my system,
Coffee is life ;)
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Heather
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So, all of this said, how are you feeling about this now? What questions do you feel like you're left with about this at this point?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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evilcat
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quote:
The fact is that just because sex is less pleasurable for women than men,
^ what's with that post o_O

(that's only thing that's puzzling me... other than that posts in this topic and articles were really helpful and explained a lot, i guess i'm a lot less nervous now)

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Heather
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Let's unpack that, then. [Smile] Part of the problem is how a lot of people say "sex" when they mean "intercourse."

(Of course, many people also have the idea -- and our culture likes to enable this one, too -- that women just like sex more than men do based on the fact that a) women as a group have been sexually repressed for most of history and b) many women express NOT being satisfied with the sex they are having, especially women who partner with men.)

"Sex" to mean "intercourse" is probably what that person meant. But sex is a LOT more than intercourse, even for most people who have intercourse. In other words when people "have sex" they usually mean they did any number of things which felt sexual to them with someone else. Even when people talk about having intercourse, that usually is not ALL they are doing.

So, yes: overall, when we are JUST talking about vaginal intercourse, men tend to report finding that one activity more physically satisfying than women do. The majority of men CAN reach orgasm from intercourse alone: the majority of women cannot. And overall, that is just about physical and physiological differences with sexual anatomy, but also can be about social and interpersonal issues.

HOWEVER, many women DO enjoy vaginal intercourse as PART of the sex they are having: just not when that's all there is to it. But I think it's worth pointing out that a sex life that is nothing but "Hi, good to meet you, intercourse, seeya" generally isn't satisfying on all levels for people of all genders, not just women. Just because a majority of men can get off on it doesn't mean they're all that stoked about it or are having the best sex of their lives that way.

[ 11-26-2009, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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evilcat
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Ok. Thanks!
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Heather
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Ultimately, this is just one of those things where, during your life, you'll see how you feel with intercourse. And it's entirely possible that you'll like it better with some partners than you will with others; it's possible it just won't be your things at all, and it's possible it may totally be your thing. It's not only very individual per women, it also tends to have something to do with the dynamics of any given relationship (even if that relationship is one night long: it's still a relationship b/c people are still in relationship to one another).

And there's no bad result here. Most people I have heard from via my work as a sex educator and in my life have some sexual things they're just not into. There's no right or wrong group of things to like or not, so if it turns out intercourse isn't something you like, that's no big whoop: then it's just not something you'll put on the table and do, just like you're bound to meet plenty of guys who don't want receptive anal sex, even though, physically, that feels great to many.

Get my gist?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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