posted
Hey all. I'm a 28 year-old male, and I'm a virgin. *pauses and waits for laughter to subside*
I will probably not be a virgin for much longer. I have a girlfriend who I have really seemed to hit it off with. We have so much in common and love hanging out together. I love kissing her and touching her and satisfying her. We have had some very intense make-out sessions and I have been able to get her off (sometimes multiple times) in each encounter. My biggest concern about my first time was being able to please my girl, but that hasn't been a problem.
Here's my dilemma. We have made several attempts at intercourse, but I always have a problem getting hard for her. I know she turns me on, but for some reason my **** doesn't want to cooperate. I usually start getting aroused when we are making out and the clothes start coming off, but I can never get fully erect for some reason. She has tried giving me handjobs and blowjobs, and while they feel REALLY good, I simply cannot get hard. Even though she says it's okay, I know she is disappointed and probably also feels like she doesn't turn me on. I still always do my part anyway and get her to orgasm, but I know she wants me inside her (and as a 28 yo virgin I want it more than anything). The other problem is that after we have cooled off, I start to get this pain in my gut, similar to the pain you get when you have to pee really bad. I have experienced it before, when I was on a drug that had some sexual side effects
I am pretty sure a lot of it is probably psychological. I have had some major earth-shattering events happen that completely altered my life, and I have gone through some pretty serious depression and anxiety as a result. Among all of this, being 28 and being a virgin did not help with my depression and anxiety. I can also tell you that making several attempts to lose my virginity and failing is not helping my anxiety at all.
I would really like some help with this. I know a lot of people will just tell me to pop a blue pill and it will solve all my problems. But I really don't think that is what I need, nor do I think it would be a good idea since I am still relatively young. I would rather consider that as a last result, because I don't think I have ED or anything like that. Besides, I have heard nightmares about priapisms where the erection wouldn't go away and the doctors had to drain the blood with a needle. I don't want that. I think I just need a little help getting over my anxiety.
[ 11-12-2009, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: 28yovirgin ]
Posts: 5 | From: Kansas City, MO | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
Well first of all, I don't think anyone will (or should) laugh at you here (anyway virginity is such a subjective topic but I'll leave that alone for now). There is a lot of value in waiting until you have the right partner and at least in my opinion it does not make much difference what age you are when you are ready to have intercourse.
OK well there are a couple of possibilities for not being able to maintain an erection that I can see from the information you provided. One is simply stress and nerves. I don't know how much communication you have had with your partner about both of your hopes and expectation from intercourse but that might help if you are worried about her reaction.
Actually having a talk with her about how you are both feeling could be very valuable. I know you say she is probably frustrated and feels like she doesn't turn you on, but at least in my experience as long as you are expressing your desire for her in some physical way she may not feel this way. It's at least worth talking about with her.
The other possibility depends on if you are medicated for your anxiety and/or depression (this is now only hypothetical since I do not know if you are). Some anti-depressants can effect the ability to become erect and if this is the issue I would talk to your doctor. Your doctor may be able to make some suggestions, offer another medication, or change your dose. A word of caution, however, (this is speaking from my experience with anti-depressants) Don't just stop taking them or change your dose on your own, really talk to your doctor.
I don't think a little blue pill is your problem solver here. I think I would look into the other options and get some good communication going with your partner or even get some counseling to ease your anxiety.
Posts: 17 | From: Indiana | Registered: Dec 2008
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First off, nobody here will laugh about you still being a virgin, as this is a safe space, so don't worry about that. And if anyone in general laughs at you about that, just know that they're immature, and who wants to hang around immature people anyway, right?
safe_sex_for_all has made some excellent points about this. I totally agree that talking about this more with your girlfriend is a great idea. It is always good to talk about exactly what expectations you may or may not have, and any anxieties you have about this (and other things, too).
I think this is very likely about the pressure you're putting on yourself in the situations; anxiety and stress is very often a major factor in cases like these. So I suggest focusing on just having fun and enjoying yourselves together, don't worry too much about "getting it up". And hey, if you learn to let go, you'll probably find that you CAN get a full erection after all However, once again as safe_sex_for_all said, it could indeed be at least partly due to antidepressants if you are on them. And if you ARE on them, your best bet would be to talk to your doctor about it.
Also, just to touch upon the topic of the pain you're getting afterward; it's probably what's known as vasocongestion (or "blue balls"). Although you say you don't get a full erection, you still get a partial one, and so vasocongestion can still happen. It's nothing really to be concerned about; just a bit irritating However, if it lasts for quite a long time, or is extremely uncomfortable, I'd suggest talking to your doctor or healthcare provider.
I am not actually on antidepressants or any other psychiatric drugs at the moment, but I do know what you're talking about. I was on a drug for a little while that did cause problems with getting aroused and achieving orgasm, but that also affected me while I was masturbating as well. I have no problems masturbating; in fact, after she has left I sometimes do masturbate to get some sort of a release. Though lately I have been going for awhile without masturbating to see if it helps me get aroused when I am with her.
I am sure that this is probably a short-lived problem, but it is extremely frustrating. She and I have talked about it and I have assured her time and time again that it has nothing to do with her. I have trouble keeping my hands off her, so I think my attraction to her is pretty clear. But I still feel bad that the most important display of sexual attraction is missing. Like I said though, I still do bring her to orgasm, just because I still want her to enjoy it even if I am having trouble.
[ 11-12-2009, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: 28yovirgin ]
Posts: 5 | From: Kansas City, MO | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
Can I suggest that something which may help is trying not to think of an erection as the most important display of sexual attraction? It's a display, sure, but I would hesitate to label it as the most important display - there are so many other ways of showing that attraction, and from what you've said here, she probably knows very well that you're attracted to her.
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Karybu said what I wanted to say! I think considering vaginal intercourse/getting an erection to be the "most important" display of affection could be part of the problem here -- it means you put tons of pressure on yourself if you don't "perform"! So I'd suggest even trying not to focus on sex being THE most important form of expressing affection -- try letting go of that idea -- and just ONE form out of many, as that will likely help relieve some of the anxiety you're having over this.
Posts: 1123 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I think it would help a lot to let go of that idea, but it is easier said than done.
Being a virgin for so long has gotten me want to "get the monkey off my back," which puts a lot of pressure on myself. I know there are other ways of expressing affection (I've been doing a lot of them) and even ways to sexually satisfy without intercourse (I've been doing those too). Perhaps if I go into it without thinking it is going to lead to intercourse (or just not thinking about it at all), then I can just enjoy things as they happen and boner will eventually be there.
Posts: 5 | From: Kansas City, MO | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
I agree with Karybu and Onionpie that there are many ways to show sexual attraction, affection and arousal, and no one of them is the most important one, we show our attraction and affection and arousal in all sorts of different ways and so long as we aren't violating the rights of the individuals we feel attraction to we shouldn't feel guilty about the responses our bodies have or don't or what kinds of contact we prefer or what kinds of sex us and our partners do enjoy, your advice for yourself is good advice.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I just got back from a nice weekend with her, and I can now officially say that I am no longer a virgin. I was trying to blank it out of my mind going into it, though it still crept back in. I also drank a little alcohol, not enough to get drunk but enough to lower my inhibitions a little. Whatever it was, I was able to get an erection. It wasn't fully hard, but hard enough for penetration. We also tried it with her on top to see if that would help, and it did.
Posts: 5 | From: Kansas City, MO | Registered: Nov 2009
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My boyfriend and I are having the same problem. Before sex he either can't get it up or stay hard, which I think largely has to do with nerves. We've talked about it, and I let him know that there's no pressure to rush or get it to happen and that I don't think any less of him when he can't stay hard, yet every time he can't, he get considerably upset. Like you, he also get anxious and depressed. Is there anything I can do to further relax him and let him know its fine and I'm willing to wait with him as long as it takes? I just hate seeing him so upset and beating himself up over it, which I know also doesn't help his mental state for the next time he tries, because he just ends up over thinking it. He thinks he's letting me down when he can't get it up, but instead it gets me down to see him so down emotionally.
My boyfriend is 20, and was a virgin when I met him. We've had sex twice.
Posts: 4 | From: Texas | Registered: Nov 2009
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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My boyfriend and I are having the same problem. Before sex he either can't get it up or stay hard, which I think largely has to do with nerves. We've talked about it, and I let him know that there's no pressure to rush or get it to happen and that I don't think any less of him when he can't stay hard, yet every time he can't, he get considerably upset. Like you, he also get anxious and depressed. Is there anything I can do to further relax him and let him know its fine and I'm willing to wait with him as long as it takes? I just hate seeing him so upset and beating himself up over it, which I know also doesn't help his mental state for the next time he tries, because he just ends up over thinking it. He thinks he's letting me down when he can't get it up, but instead it gets me down to see him so down emotionally.
My boyfriend is 20, and was a virgin when I met him. We've had sex twice.
Wow...you sound like my girlfriend. Do you really live in Texas?
I'm still learning a lot about sex myself, being 28 and just losing my virginity a few weeks ago. I don't know if your boyfriend is like me, but it sounds like he is. To me, I really want to physically satisfy my girl (even if that means I do not reach orgasm myself or have to go jerk it on my own later), and while there are other things I can do to do that I know that she also really wants intercourse. Since I know she wants it, I know that whenever we start getting physical that is pretty much always where it is going to end up. Therefore, I am thinking about it all during foreplay, getting anxious about it, and end up having difficulty getting hard.
Things have started to improve with my girlfriend. I still have difficulty getting hard and staying hard, but I can usually get hard enough and stay hard long enough to have at least some intercourse. I haven't approached my girlfriend about this yet, but I have been thinking recently that a Pavlov approach might help. Rather than foreplay always leading to intercourse, perhaps just let it end with me fingering her or giving her oral. That way, I haven't gotten her all worked up for nothing and still get her off, but my body may also be more relaxed the next time, knowing that it may not lead to intercourse and not worry.
I guess what I'm saying is that, if your boyfriend is anything like me, he is probably beating himself up mostly because he feels he isn't satisfying you. He may also feel like you think you don't arouse him, and he desperately wants to prove to you that you do arouse him. If he knows that when you get physical it won't always lead to intercourse, and that he can still satisfy you without intercourse, then perhaps he won't get worked up so much. If he doesn't get so worked up about it, then boner will eventually be there.
I know this is a long response, and I'm not the greatest at giving advice. But I hope it helps you and your boyfriend.
Posts: 5 | From: Kansas City, MO | Registered: Nov 2009
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