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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Orgasmless sex, anyone?

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Author Topic: Orgasmless sex, anyone?
Member # 44578

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Hi, I'm new :-)

Right, first off, this isn't for advice. This is purely to see if I'm a freak or not.

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for about 2 years. He orgasms but I don't. I just don't seem to be able to. I can orgasm when I masturbate, but only on my own. If I masturbate during sex, it makes no difference. We've tried toys and positions and everything we can think of and (people have suggested lol). So I'm not on to ask for advice, because I know it'll be the same suggestions again and again and we've done it all lol.

My questions simply is, is there anyone else like this? I haven't found anyone yet...

Posts: 1 | From: North West England | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Well, maybe reading this article will help you feel less alone for a start:
The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum

It also sounds to me like you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to orgasm. That kind of thing can actually cause you to be less likely to have an orgasm: If you're so busy psyching yourself out and worrying, you can't fully relax. And being able to let go and relax completely is a large part of achieving orgasm.

So why don't you stop focusing on orgasming, and instead simply focus on what feels good. That's the most important part, anyway. And who knows, once you stop pressuring yourself and stop making orgasm the be-all-end-all of sex, you might enjoy yourself more and experience more pleasure.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38698

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I am in the same boat as you, so hopefully my story can shed some light. My boyfriend and I have been having intercourse for 9 months now and were engaging in other kinds of sex for more than 3 years before that. I have never been able to orgasm in front of him despite our best efforts (I can do so easily/regularly on my own). I am 100% sure that it's a psychological barrier on my part--I am too anxious and self-conscious when I feel like the focus is on my pleasure, and I clam up and can't feel anything.

What September said about psyching yourself out is exactly right. My boyfriend and I have had some sexual obstacles before this (penetration, for example), and the only way we got over them was by letting go of a specific Goal and just having fun. Sex really requires that you relax and enjoy the sensations--if you're trying for something specific or angsting about what is or isn't happening, you're not feeling good and therefore you're not likely to orgasm anytime soon.

Rather than let my lack of orgasm be a source of anxiety, I have just let go of the whole idea. I found that as soon as I stopped analyzing every feeling and trying to build it up to a peak, I actually had a lot more fun and the feelings were a lot more intense. Although I still haven't orgasmed with him, when my boyfriend and I have sex I find I'm just as tired, cuddly, and content as he is when we're finished--even without an actual orgasm, your body releases all kinds of happy chemicals and if you just give in to it, you can feel plenty good without a climax.

I do want to orgasm with my boyfriend, of course, but I've realized that if it's not happening, my body/mind just aren't ready for it yet. Just as with penetration, and my solo orgasms before that, working furiously at it isn't going to help because it only increases feelings of anxiety and lowers my self-confidence. I got past those previous sexual hurdles by letting go of my goals and just having a good time, and then they occurred spontaneously when I was least prepared for them (that's the point!). I hold out hope that the same thing will happen with this elusive orgasm. In the meantime, I'm having a heck of a good time with my boyfriend and there's no rush as far as I'm concerned. [Smile]

Posts: 96 | From: West Coast USA | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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