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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » First time sex

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Author Topic: First time sex
strawberrywine
Neophyte
Member # 37366

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This isn't urgent at all but it's still something that's been bothering me and I need to vent.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now and engage in oral and manual sex. Both of us really want to have vaginal intercourse ("real" sex) but I'm not on the pill. I took birth control (for acne and bad periods) for a week a while back and decided to stop because I'm pretty sure it was giving me migraines and was making me really dizzy. We have like two different brands of condoms in his closet (we were going to do something with popsicles or something...I don't remember) and every once in a while we'll consider just doing it right there, just with a condom.

I am terrified of getting pregnant. Terrified. It's like I think his whole penis could get me pregnant. So I'm afraid to take birth control again but I'm also afraid to have sex with just a condom. And besides, if I'm worried the whole time about getting pregnant, it'll probably be a bad experience anyway.

I'm just so frustrated. My hormones are running wild and I feel like I just want a change in what we're doing. But I obviously have all these hangups to get over. Sorry for the rant, I just haven't talked to anyone about this yet. Can anyone relate?

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"Who's to say that love needs to be soft and gentle?"
-Dr. Twardon (Secretary)

Posts: 28 | From: Michigan | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I have to say, I really hate intercourse being called "real" sex. What makes it more real than other kinds of sex? Does that mean that those of us who have sexual partnerships with same-sex people sometimes or all the time can never have "real" sex?

Don't mean to badger, it's just a big pet peeve, and I also think viewing it that way is probably feeding your frustration, too.

It sounds clearly like, for you, condoms alone just don't leave you feeling secure enough. And there is nothing wrong with that: plenty of women feel they want more protection from pregnancy than condoms offer.

You have FAR more choices than just the pill for a backup. It may even have been that just that one brand of pill was wrong for you, or, if you're someone with migraines, that if you're going to do hormonal, you need a pill/method without estrogen. You also have other non-hormonal methods you can combine with condoms. So, want some help in finding a second method to use with condoms that will be a better fit for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
strawberrywine
Neophyte
Member # 37366

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Yeah, I'm sorry for saying that. I was just writing it really late and I figured everyone would know what I meant by that and I didn't want to spend a long time explaining what I meant. I have issues with the sentiment too, but I was just using it as an offhand reference.

That said, I think you're right that "viewing it that way is probably feeding my frustration". As if I'm getting bored with what we're doing (manual sex) and popular culture has so brainwashed me with the idea that that's nothing compared to "real sex" that I think that's the only thing to cure my boredom. I mean I know it's not, so that's just silly. Like we can try role playing or any number of things. I really think that's it. I'm just getting antsy and vaginal intercourse has been so built up that subconsciously I think it's my only choice to spice things up. Then there's also the fact that I think it would be nice to be really close to my partner in that way. It's just hard, you know? Vaginal intercourse has always seemed so romantic to me, plus the fact that it's always the "main event" in porn or erotica. Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just glad I can work all this out here.

Oh, that's interesting about the estrogen and migraines. Yeah, I'd love the help. That would be great.

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"Who's to say that love needs to be soft and gentle?"
-Dr. Twardon (Secretary)

Posts: 28 | From: Michigan | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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Per finding a method of birth control, one really good place to start is here: Birth Control Bingo!

Have a look through that, maybe narrow down the list to a few you'd be interested in, and we can get into a bit more detail here about those particular methods.

You might also find the "birth control experiences" thread in the Safer Sex & Birth Control section of the boards to be helpful.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
I'm just getting antsy and vaginal intercourse has been so built up that subconsciously I think it's my only choice to spice things up. Then there's also the fact that I think it would be nice to be really close to my partner in that way. It's just hard, you know? Vaginal intercourse has always seemed so romantic to me, plus the fact that it's always the "main event" in porn or erotica. Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just glad I can work all this out here.
Always glad to help people unpack this.

I do think it's important to remember that even though some of us do orgasm with vaginal intercourse, and/or like it a lot MOST women, the majority, don't orgasm that way. Many also don't find it at all "spicy" in and of itself, don't find it makes them feel any closer to a partner than anything else (especially if they aren't doing the mental block with other activities that leads them to believe closeness can't happen there), and plenty don't find it at all romantic in practice, as opposed to in theory.

In other words, people's experiences with intercourse in real life vary WAY more than the ideology of intercourse as "real" sex or "the" sex or "the best sex" does.

It might be worth going down a theoretical path and considering this: if, in fact, intercourse didn't do all the things for you you think or hope it will, what would your next step be?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Louiise
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Member # 43782

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if your scared of the condom splitting, make him wear two.

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Shit Happens..Life Goes Onn....
L o u i s e : )

Posts: 21 | From: Scotland | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Louiise: using more than one condom at once is actually a way to INCREASE the chances of breakage. When a person does that, it increases the friction, you have latex rubbing against latex and thus, breakage.

Do NOT use two condoms at once, anyone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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