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Author Topic: First time sex- very worried
marisafardella
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Hello.
Before I start i will apologize in advance if this post is a little long and confusing. It is just that i have been very worried and stressed about this for quite some while now.

I am a 21 year old female and my boyfriend is 24, turning 25.We have been together for a year and 2 months (We got together last July). He is the most mature, sensitive, understanding and caring man I have ever met and we both love and respect each other very very much. We have a very beautiful, strong , stable relationship and we love being around each other, have fun, are able to have intellectual conversations, and make each other laugh. We are planning on getting married and there is no one else i would rather be with than him.He makes me extremely happy and would do anything for me.

He lives at home with his parents,sister and brother so we do not have a lot of time on our own. I only get to see him on Friday nights, Saturdays and Sundays, as we live quite far from each other (his house is a half hour drive from mine). He is usually quite tired on a Friday night as he works very long hours as a lawyer during the week.

During the past 7 months something regarding our sex life has been worrying me immensely. We first tried to have penetrative, vaginal sex in March. His penis failed to penetrate me. I was lubricated but quite nervous and didnt really know where it should go, and my boyfriend did not really guide it in or apply a lot of pressure (didnt give it a firm push). I also didnt really know the angle at which it should go in. Anyway , after this event i became very worried that i would never be able to have sex and my boyfriends penis would never be able to penetrate me. Then i read some articles on this site whichput me at ease. I discovered that you need to be relaxed, aroused and lubricated. So i did not worry so much as i knew that i was always aroused and very wet when i engaged in sexual activities with my boyfriend (although he has never to this day given me an orgasm, and i have not had one alone whilst masturbating [Frown] ). So I thought everything would be fine. My boyfriend was fine about it and comforted me when i was upset. He said it dosent matter how many failed attempts we have, we will just keep on trying and it is not something i should stress about because he loves me. (we have also decided to hold of intercourse for the while-as my boyfriend does not want to pressure me-he says we have our whole lives to do it). A while after this we had been out drinking one night and got home and were both very tired (i get tired and drowsy when i have been drinking a lot). We were fooling around for a while and i was not becoming wet or aroused at all. After this incident i became very worried about not getting wet and on occasions following this have been getting somewhat wet , but no way near as wet as i used to get (i only get a little wet now) and i have not been feeling that aroused either. We dont get many prolonged opportunities to fool around, but when we do now after ten minutes or so i cant seem to get aroused and can't get wet. Sometimes i can get a little wet (but maybe know this is just the vaginal dischrge i normally get due to ovulation, or when im about to get my period). However, on one random occassion a few months ago i became very very wet and aroused (the most i have ever been). We didnt have sex that night though, as we were in my bedroom and my boyfriend does not like to really engage in sexual activities in my room as my parents room is down the hall. Also, about a month and a bit ago my bf and i were watching tv and i became really horny and wanted to make out with him. We made out and i was feeling really aroused. My underwear was a bit wet (however i was just coming off my period and usually have some gooey, brown discharge at that time, so as i said i dont know it it was really me getting 'wet'). We didnt have sex that night either as we had had a long night and my boyfriend was quite tired. My bf has also recently given me oral sex a couple of times and it felt really good (not to the point where i orgasmed, and i wasnt even close i dont think-but i dont know what one feels like anyway). All i know was that it felt really good and my vagina felt as though it was tightening and i began to feel a little bit of a pressure building up inside, but then after he was doing it for a while it dissapeared:(.

Anyway, i am still very worried that my boyfriend and i will not be able to have sex as im not getting wet and aroused all the time. I go into every encounter very anxious that i will not get wet enough or aroused enough to be able to attempt sex again one day. This worries me constantly, even though i have had times in the past few months where i have become wet and have felt aroused. what can i do to stop this. i have been getting even more worried as i have been reading posts on this website about girls not being able to get wet and aroused, and the response has been that they just dont have that strong sexual chemistry with their partners.this cant be the case with me can it? I dont think it could as sometimes when i kiss my boyfriend when we are watching tv or in the bedroom i get a tingling sensation in my vagina---its a very brief sort of rush or tingle that lasts for a couple of seconds and i get it when he gives me oral sex as well. I also feel my vagina tighten . Is this the beggining of sexual arousal?

I also have a question about fingering. My bf and i have invested in a good lubricant and he has been using it to finger me. At first fingering hurt but now it is fine and he can fit 2 fingers into me with lube. Would it be safe to use 3? I have also been practicing with some 3D objects and lube, and have been able to fit half a small carrot into my vagina, and nearly half of a lebanese cucumber. i have also been able to the head of a small bannana (with skin on). if i am able to fit these into my vagina will the head (only the head) of my boyfriend's penis be able to fit? He is of average size. I am just worried that he will not be able to fit. How is he supposed to fit his penis in if he can only fit 2 fingers?

I know that on the first time i will be nervous, because the worry over this has been building up for such a long time. So, i know i wont be VERY aroused. In this case, will my boyfriends oenis be able to fit?

I dont really feel pain with his 2 fingers, a little on initial penetration at first but now its fine.

I am sorry if this is so long and rambling and does not make sense. I would just like to talk to someone to put my mind at ease as i dont want to talk to my mum about it.And i want to do everything i can to make sure our first time actually works out as i love him so much

Thanks for your help, its much appreciated.

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Heather
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There's a lot to digest here, but I honestly think it comes down to the fact that you've got to figure out how to ditch all of your anxiety around this. That anxiety is likely your biggest barrier here, and is also probably the biggest driver per how your body is responding.

Have you looked into counseling for your anxiety?

What "fits" in the vagina has to do with how relaxed and aroused we are. (Btw, if you have been putting any of those things into your vagina without covering them with a condom first, please know you need to do that, otherwise you risk infections.) It's also fine for someone to put as many fingers into the vagina as feels good to the owner of that vagina: there's nothing patently unsafe about that.

But I'd also be sure that whatever you're inserting into your vagina, it's all about things feeling good, not about the idea you need "practice." Framing it that way in your head just isn't likely to help you address the real issue, which is all this anxiety keeping you from being aroused. Something that might help is to remember that intercourse, or activities with vaginal entry are just ONE kind of sex, one kind of many. That kind of sex, like any, isn't a requirement for anyone, and as is the case with anything else we do sexually, should just be about one thing or group of things we can do at a given time if that's what feels good and is wanted by both, but know that at other times, all kinds of other activities will be what we want to do and enjoy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Thanks a lot for your reply Heather.I really appreciate it.
No i havent looked into counselling yet. So , you really think that this is just a case of anxiety? That makes me feel much better.

The couple of times where i was really aroused, in the mood and wet were times when i just forgot about all of this stuff and didnt worry about it. Before i had this stress becoming aroused was not a problem! I would be aroused and extremely wet all the time! Now its a struggle and it makes me so sad. Could that be why?

Also, i dont really get any pleasure from having things in my vagina-even when i am doing it myself with my own fingers- is this normal?

Thanks for your help again, much appreciated xx

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Onionpie
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hey, marisafardella, heather's away for a bit right now, but she can help you out when she returns, if you'd like [Smile] Meanwhile, I can help answer some of your questions.

Fore sure, stress can play an important role in sexual arousal ( http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse ) and, as heather said, the anxiety you have is probably the major factor in this; that's partly why it's a good idea to get the anxiety straightened out with a counselor [Smile]

It sure is normal for you to not feel that much pleasure from simply having something in your vagina; roughly 70% of women will never have an orgasm from anything being inserted into their vaginas (talked about here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/the_great_no_orgasm_from_intercourse_conundrum ). If you're fully aroused, it shouldn't be uncomfortable or unpleasant, but it is common to not reach orgasm -- or even get anywhere close to reaching orgasm -- from insertion alone.

I know you haven't mentioned your boyfriend disliking the idea of you touching yourself, but heather touches on a lot of facts that you might find useful, here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/he_thinks_its_unattractive_when_i_touch_my_clitoris_but_i_dont_enjoy_sex_otherwise

Also, here's a good article about why penis-in-vagina sex is not the be-all end-all of sex. Hopefully it'll help you relax a little about sex "not working" for you (that's not the only way to have sex!): http://sexuality.about.com/od/tipstechniques/a/sexnointercours.htm

hope this helped [Big Grin]

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LondonBlue
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quote:
Originally posted by marisafardella:
The couple of times where i was really aroused, in the mood and wet were times when i just forgot about all of this stuff and didnt worry about it. Before i had this stress becoming aroused was not a problem! I would be aroused and extremely wet all the time! Now its a struggle and it makes me so sad. Could that be why?

I have had similar issues with my boyfriend because I, too, can get really anxious about being in the right state for us to have sex. I can tell you from experience that fretting can only make it worse--the best thing you can do for yourself is to relax and let go of a "goal" for sex. I had a lot of trouble with penetration until I just gave up and stopped freaking about it, and then it happened almost by accident; now I want to be able to orgasm with my boyfriend, but I know it won't happen if I keep angsting about it, so I'm forcing myself to let go and just have fun with him. The least fun times happen when I am expecting something specific to happen; it's never a good result because either it doesn't happen and I feel like a failure, or it does and I only met my expectations. The MOST fun times happen when I don't think too hard about it and I just let it flow, because that's when I end up relaxed and open to spontaneity.

Your mental state can and does have a major effect on your physical ability to have sex. If you are anxious (or angry, or depressed, or afraid), your body is going to be tenser and drier and your mind is going to be closed to arousal and attraction. So my advice to you is to try (I know it's hard!) to let go of these worries and just let things happen. That's what you used to do, and you got wet and aroused--the most likely reason that's no longer happening is that you're thinking too much about everything and psyching yourself out. It sounds like your boyfriend is being very good about not pressuring you and letting things flow naturally--take advantage of that! Just relax and have fun!

[Smile] I hope hearing from someone with similar experiences helps...the articles that have already been linked should help you a lot too. Good luck!

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Taliyah
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Me and my boyfriend are talking about having sex for the first time and i am very nervous. Im mostly scared of how it will fill when it happens. Im terrified of it hurting too much, and i try to tell myself to relax, but i just can't.What should i do?

--------------------
TeeTee

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Onionpie
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If you find that you are extremely nervous about this and can't relax, then maybe you should consider waiting a bit until you are really comfortable with the idea. Stress and extreme nervousness can really often make sexual activities uncomfortable or even unpleasant because of our minds not allowing our bodies to relax and become aroused.

If you find yourself in the situation that you really do want to try sex, just don't stress or worry about anything, and give yourself lots of time to become aroused by first taking part in other sexual activities.

You can also take a look at a few of our articles:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/first_intercourse_101

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask! Hope this helps [Smile]

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marisafardella
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thanks onionpie and londonblue.I appreciate your advice it has made me feel much better. Londonblue could we chat? as your situation sounds very similar to mine and id like some more advice.

Thanks so much for all your help guys.

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nariel
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marisafardella, I am in almost the [I]exact/I] same situation as you. I've been having problems relaxing in the bedroom too, I guess it's a relief to know that I'm not alone. Thanks for all the advice everyone! I'd appreciate any further help.. X_X
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LondonBlue
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quote:
Originally posted by marisafardella:
Londonblue could we chat? as your situation sounds very similar to mine and id like some more advice.

Hey, I'm sorry I missed this! I have been swamped with law school applications these past few weeks. I just sent them all off, though, so I am freeee!

It seems I'm not allowed to PM you, but if you want to keep asking questions in this thread I'll keep coming back. Maybe one of the mods has a better idea of how we could chat. I can give you my AIM name but I don't want to post it in public. [Smile]

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Heather
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Per our guidelines and the way we operate the site -- this is both for your safety and privacy, and also helps parents feel more comfortable having youth here -- users can't PM one another or exchange contact information on the site.

What you can do is use the message boards right here to talk amongst yourselves as much as you'd like.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Hello again everyone.
It has been a while since i have written as i have been feeling so tired and depressed.

I am at the end of the road and feel so helpless and upset and depressed over my issue. It makes me want to just go to sleep and never wake up again.

On the weekend i thought i'd try to see if we could have sex, so when we got to my bf's house on friday night i told him we would go to his room and try after dinner. We did. I had been thinking about my situation all day, all week in fact and was really hoping that it didnt happen again. During the foreplay i did not feel anything, i did not get aroused at all. Even when he gave me oral i felt nothing. I am so upset as this is usually my favourite thing, the last 2 times we did it it felt really good. But this time, nothing. Nothing worked , i did not become excited at all. I told me friend and she said maybey there is just not a strong sexual connection with him and we are just sexually incompatible. I have been thinking about this and it has upset me so much. I cried all weekend and nearly all of monday.

I dont want it to be like this i love him so much and i do feel sexual around him. I am so confused. when i am around him i do feel sexual. the weekend before we were alone in my room and i was touching him and i felt like going down on him as it is my favourite thing to do. I was excited and could feel a sensation in my vagina-- i was a bit turned on. That weekend i also felt like jumping him.Sometimes when we kiss i will feel a tingling in my vagina and it feels like it tightens. i just dont know what to do. i dont know of any counsellors i can go to in my area.I am just so sad

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Heather
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It's normal for any of us not to be sexually aroused all the time. In other words, even if and when we are with someone to whom we feel sexual attraction, with whom we generally enjoy being sexual with, and/or who we love, we still won't always be in the mood for sex or get very aroused.

And if and when we are putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to do so, it's all the more likely we'll not be feeling it.

Did you ever wind up getting any help with managing your anxiety? If you can't find a private therapist, are you in school? If so, you can always go to your school counselor and ask them for help.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LondonBlue
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[Frown] Hi marisafardella, I'm sorry you are still having problems.

I know EXACTLY what you mean with the no-pleasure problem; I have definitely been there before. My boyfriend is always ready at the drop of a hat to have sex, and we have to do all kinds of foreplay to get ME ready, which makes me self-conscious and anxious. If I dwell too much on those bad feelings, nothing he does feels like anything--I'm not turned on by kissing him, being touched by him, receiving oral, anything--and then when he goes to try penetration I'm bone-dry and there's no chance. It is extremely frustrating and I'm sorry you're going through it. I have gotten the "maybe you're not sexually compatible" answer and it's a terrifying thing to think about because I love my boyfriend more than anything and would be devastated if sex, of all things, was the thing that broke us up. I remember last year, before we managed to have intercourse, I would end up crying most of the times we tried (we live a couple hours away from each other, so our time together was very limited and I felt extra pressure because of that). I felt stupid for being so anxious, because I knew that was hurting me, and I hated myself for failing at sex and for physically denying my boyfriend the opportunity to have it. All feelings which were understandable, if misguided, and all feelings which did nothing to help me with sex.

The key to sex feeling good is going to be letting go of your worries and sadness. If you want to see a counselor, that's probably a good option--I don't have personal experience with that so I'll leave it to the other posters. I will just tell you what I've done to solve this problem and see if it helps.

The first step for me was to let go of Sex as a goal for our time together when he visited. That made me nervous all day and my anxiety just peaked when we got in bed and I was completely closed-off. I talked to my boyfriend about it (often through blubbering tears, lol, but he got the idea) and he reassured me time and again that he didn't care if we couldn't have sex. Knowing this helped a lot, although it was hard to believe him (cultural stereotypes are powerful things). I started working really hard to prepare my mental state differently when he came--I would look forward to going out to lunch, or seeing a movie, or even showing him a new cute set of lingerie I bought, but I didn't let my mind wander past those possibilities. As a result, whatever happened sexually went beyond my expectations and felt like success. I might give him oral or manual sex and let him touch me in the meantime, and even if I didn't have an orgasm and even if he never penetrated me, I wasn't falling short of some arbitrary goal I'd set in my fantasies over the past week. This was important because it made me happier and more pliable, and I was actually much more relaxed and enjoyed everything a lot more. (One of the most fun times I ever had with him was when I didn't feel like doing anything sexual because I was too depressed about it, so we popped in a TV show DVD and just lay in bed watching. After a while, I was relaxed and actually felt like doing something, so we paused it. For the next 3 episodes, we would watch a bit, then pause and fool around, and then watch some more. It was one of the most relaxing, spontaneous, worry-free sexual experiences I'd ever had.)

Another thing I did that helped a lot was to find sensations that were too powerful to ignore. These were useful if I still felt anxious or sad despite my psychological work, and I needed to be snapped out of it. One, which we discovered quite by accident and which I credit with changing everything for us, was G-spot stimulation. It's something I couldn't (and still can't) do myself for any length of time because the angle is painful for my fingers, and toys don't do it right. But when my boyfriend did it, it felt extraordinary and he could keep going and it would keep feeling extraordinary until he stopped. If you can find a feeling like that, which really stands out for you, you can try doing it when you're feeling anxious and it may still feel good (I certainly can't ignore it when he does it, lol). If it does, that'll be the key to getting you back in the mood when you start feeling sad. So you could make that a mini goal for now--rather than worry about Sex, just explore each other's bodies and try to find really amazing sensations you didn't know before. Another thing you can try is to determine which circumstances are more conducive to arousal for you. I am much more easily aroused when we're still wearing clothes--my boyfriend likes to get nekkid straight away and that ruins some of the mystery for me. Little discoveries like that have helped us build a whole system of possibilities for foreplay, because we've both acknowledged that I need to be aroused if we're going to have any penetrative success. This realization makes him listen extra attentively. [Wink]

Finally, you will feel a lot better if you stop putting time pressure on yourself. It took my boyfriend and me a loooong time to be able to have intercourse. If I had been fretting the whole time about what we WEREN'T doing, I probably would have driven our relationship into the ground with my anxiety. In order to be happy (and therefore receptive to more sex), you should try to enjoy what you're doing now. You said you love getting oral--so stick to that! Try new techniques or positions or settings! When we eventually did have intercourse successfully, I was not planning for it at all; we had done our usual manual/oral thing, and it just seemed right all of a sudden. I reached for the lube and we tried it and it worked perfectly, out of the blue. But that never would have happened if I had been obsessing about it; I had to let go of my usual analytical, goal-oriented mindset and just go with the flow for it to happen spontaneously and organically.

As for the "not sexually compatible" possibility, I couldn't even let myself consider it. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years, and let's face it, we don't tingle at the sight of each other anymore. If I waited to have sex with someone who dazzled me with his mere presence, I would be waiting a long time for Aaron Hotchner to leap out of the television and do me (and I think even that would get old after a while). I think relationships are about work and compromise, and sex is no exception; there's no way around communication, exploration, and careful experimentation if you want to get it right and make it better and better. So to say that you're incompatible just because it's not working with Hollywood ease is just ridiculous, in my view. Don't let that get to you. Some people, like us, just think too hard about sex and have to work our way out of those think-boxes before we have success. It doesn't make you or your relationship wrong in any way.

It might help you to know this, too: Once we had done it once, we were never unable to do it again. Don't worry, you aren't some kind of freak of nature who will have to go through months of anxiety and depression every time you want to have intercourse. Once you've done it successfully, you know the right formula of lube, angles, and foreplay, and, most importantly: you know it can be done, and you aren't anxious anymore. Sometimes we go too fast and I'm too dry and it hurts, so we stop and go on with the foreplay until I'm ready. But I never experience troubles anymore like I had before we managed it for the first time. So rest assured that this is a mountain you won't have to climb twice.

I hope some of that helped you. I don't want to sound self-obsessed or anything--I just don't know any better way of helping people than trying to share my similar experiences. Keep at it, enjoy what you're doing without worrying about what you're not doing, and it will come eventually. And please keep me updated--you remind me a lot of me, and I want to know how this goes for you. [Smile]

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marisafardella
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Hey Londonblue
sprry for the late reply have been very busy with university exams and postgrad applications the past month so i havent been on here.

thankyou so much for your reply it does not sound self-obsessed at all! i am very grateful for it, it really put me at ease to know that someone else has gone through the same thing.

I am not worrying about the intercourse thing anymore. I have decided to let it go and it will happen when it happens [Smile]

I am still very worried about the arousal part of it though. This is more so because i notice a huge difference between now and the beggining of our relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. In the beggining i found that i was almost always able to get aroused and wet very quickly (in a matter of minutes) after just a little bit of kissing and touching. This dosent happen anymore. I would also feel a spontaneous desire to do sexual things but sadly this dosent happen very much either anymore [Frown] I would rather chat and just hand out with my boyfriend and cuddle. This has left me feeling really confused as i love him very much and am attracted to him (i think he is gorgeous!). This may sound freaky but i love staring at him because he is so cute and beautiful. But i just dont get all worked up to become aroused and ready to jump him hha. I just dont experience that spontaneous desire that much anymore and am unable to get aroused as quickly and easily as in the beggining. Dont get me wrong i still enjoy being sexual with him and i love kissing and making out with him. i have gone over and over this in my head a million times and have been trying to figure out why this is happening. I have read advice columns all over the net where girls write in having the same problem as me and they are told that their bf obviously isnt the right one for them sexually if they are having this problem so early on . This has made me even more sad and depressed as i love my boyfriend and want to build a good sexual relationship with him. I refuse to believe that our relationship needs to end just because i am not getting turned on.

anyway i dont really know what point im making here, its a bit of a long rant. But thanks for everyone's advice it has made me feel a little better. I am also booking an appt with a counselor at my university.

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marisafardella
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hey again everyone

i forgot to mention a few other points about my situation and so am going to mention them now as maybey they could help people with giving me advice. I'd really like some more advice on my situation as everyone here has been very helpful so far.

- i started taking the yasmin contraceptive pill just before i started experiencing all of this. my doctor said it dosent cause vaginal dryness or loss of libido though [Frown]

- I dont really ever think about sex a lot. I have tried masturbating before and i can get aroused but thats about it (last time i did this was the beggining of this year). I find it really hard to focus and cant seem to find anything that 'does it' for me. I have been able to get wet and aroused but thats the extent of it, it dosent go any further. Even when i continue to stimulate myself i dont feel any build up or an increase intensity or pleasure.After a while it just gets boring and i stop.

- the same goes for the guys i have been with. I have been able to get wet and aroused but felt nothing beyond that- no build up of pleasure etc.

- my boyfriend is my first real boyfriend

hope these may be able to shed some light on the situation

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marisafardella
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Also, i have one last question which is perhaps the most important one id actually like answered.

i am very confused about this because when my boyfriend and i make-out or have a long kiss i start to feel something that i think may be arousal, but i dont really know if it is .

The only definite way i have ever been able to tell if i was aroused was by noticing i was wet. I have never really taken much notice of the sensations i feel when fooling around.

So, heres my question. When my bf and i are making out i almost always start to feel like a pressure build up in my vagina. Its like it starts to tighten up- i feel it just tighten up involuntarily. It kind of feels like some sort of contraction taking place in my lower stomach, and actual vaginal area. It then sort of feels like its straining or pushing against my pants. After a while my vagina starts to feel a kind of ache- not in a bad way, it dosent hurt, but it just feels kind of wierd and pleasurable.

I will also sometimes get a brief tingling senation at the top of my vagina that only lasts a few seconds. However i dont get wet.

I thought you needed to be wet in order to be aroused. So my question is- is this arousal/the beggining of arousal even though i am not wet?

or is arousal only when you are wet? Im just a bit confused as to wether im feeling arousal here or not as the only time ive been able ti identify myself as being aroused was when i was wet. Could anyone tell me wether this is arousal?

sorry if this is too long and stupid sounding.


all your help is greatly appreciated, im really thankful
xx

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LondonBlue
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Hi, marisafardella! I'm glad to hear you're letting go of some of that intercourse anxiety. I hope that works out for you soon. [Smile]

First, I think your last question is probably best answered by this Scarleteen article:
Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide
Based on that information, I would say the constriction and pleasant aching you feel is caused by the extra blood flow to that area. Also, yes, it's totally possible to be aroused without any significant wetness; it's just one part of a whole lot of things that can happen when you're aroused. I think wetness depends a lot on where you are in your cycle and exactly what you're feeling--different circumstances or turn-ons may make you more or less wet. So I wouldn't worry too much about changes there; lube can be really helpful for those times when you're not as wet.

Although you said you aren't getting wet as quickly with your boyfriend, what you describe in your last post definitely makes it sound like you are still getting plenty aroused by him. I really would not worry about people saying you are sexually incompatible; there are ups and downs in every relationship, and both your needs will change over time, but that doesn't mean you throw him out and go find someone sexier. If you want the relationship to work, then you can make it work with communication and care for each other--don't listen to others telling you it's impossible, because it's not. I think I mentioned in my last post that my boyfriend and I have been together for quite a few years, and after a long time like that, it's just not going to be super thrilling every time we look at each other, haha. But that doesn't mean we can't be together; it just means it might take a bit longer to get going, or we might try changing things up to keep things interesting. The way you talk about your boyfriend, I am confident that you are attracted to him and that you can get aroused by him, even if it doesn't happen as quickly as it did when you first got together. That's to be expected! [Smile]

It is fine that you don't think about sex a whole lot, and it's fine if you don't get a whole lot out of masturbating. I will say that masturbating can help you figure out what feels good for you, and may make you feel more comfortable in sexy situations, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you if it's not your thing. Here's another article that deals with some of those issues, if you want some further reading:
How Do You Masturbate?

Finally, Yasmin--like any hormonal BC method--can affect your mood and, therefore, your libido. I'm not sure if the pill itself can cause vaginal dryness, but if you're feeling depressed or your libido is down, that will do the trick. Heather will know more about this than I do, so maybe she can jump in here. In my own experience, though, I suffered from depression when I was on Yasmin, and had to switch from brand to brand for a while until I settled on NuvaRing, which doesn't affect my mood. You may have to play some of this birth control roulette if you think Yasmin is negatively affecting your mood.

Overall, I would try to put to rest some of this anxiety about arousal. Like sex itself, getting aroused seems to work best when you just let your mind go blank and enjoy the experience. There is no "right" way to get aroused, just what feels good for you. The more time you spend experimenting, alone or with your boyfriend, the more new things you will find that arouse you and give you pleasure.

Hopefully some of this will help you, and feel free to ask more questions. No worries on the late reply; I'm getting ready to graduate and have been all over the place too. [Smile]

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marisafardella
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Sorry for the late thankyou Londonblue, i have been very busy over the christmas break and have been on vacation and just got back. I apologize in advance for this post it is going to be very long and people do not have to read it if they dont want to [Smile]

I am very grateful for all your advice it is much appreciated you have been a big help.

Unfortunatley my situation has deteriorated. I am crying as i type this and am so miserable . I just dont know where else to go and i have no one to talk to.

I am very depressed about this and sexual things with my boyfriend have taken a backseat.

There is one significant issue that i have neglected to mention in my posts and i dont know wether it will help you give me advice but here it goes:

My boyfriend has an extremely low sex drive. He is on an anti-depressant zoloft which gives him this. In the beggining of our relationship he was quite interested in sex because of all the newness/excitemet, but even then he was not initiating it/overly concerned with doing it much. Now he says he is just not interested. Over the past year and a bit i have always been initiating it. He never approaches me for sexual things. He is always tired and says he is just not interested. We enjoy other activities together but at night he just wants to watch tv, kiss and cuddle then go to bed. We do this same thing every weekend.So we never get into situations where he is trying really hard to arouse me (he is only ever kissing and cuddling for like 5-10 minutes). but we are always kissing and cuddling and laying down with each other and generally being affectionate. The last time he touched my vaginal area/tried to arouse me was in late september last year and this was only because i suggested we do something to see if i could get aroused (which i didnt and became very depressed and wrote about in one of my other posts)

He also finds it very difficult to climax and this has been an issue from the begining. i have never made him climax through manual/oral stimulation (which is all we really do). If he does climax it is only from him masturbating himself. I always start off and then he takes over. It takes him a very long time (like 15,20 minutes or more) to climax, and he does not climax every time. But if i am doing it he will never climax- never has. It just goes on forever and makes my arm really sore and i am forever changing arms because they get so sore. I also get a sore back and it makes me and him really tired. However i still do it because i love him and i enjoy touching him and being close to him and seeing him enjoy himself. He says that the whole process makes him very exhausted and a lot of the time when we meet up on the weekends after work he is very exhausted already.

He wont change the medication as his depression/anxiety was bad and his doctor says this is the best medication for him. I am ok with this. I do not expect him to do this for me. I know that his problems are under control with this medication and do not want to mess with that and see his problems return and see him suffer. I just want him to be happy and healthy because i love him.

So my question is this: my friend says that i havent been able to get aroused/in the mood around him because we never really get into sexual situations and he is never doing anything to me/trying to arouse me (because of his low-libido) Do you think this could explain why i am not getting in the mood?

on the other hand i am extremely depressed/worried because i have started to notice a few things


-up until mid last year i would still feel a little bit sexual around my boyfriend. Like if we were just sitting on the couch together out of the blue i would feel a mil sexual mood. Now i never do

-when we are together doing everyday things together (like going out shopping, having dinner with my family, going out places to dinner, going to the beach, to picnics, long drives,parties, or cuddleed up watching tv) i never feel sexual or aroused. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I love to be with him. I love kissing and cuddling and touching him and being generally affectionate with him. But it is not sexual. I look at him and think that he is attractive and cute and admire his beautiful smile and want to be close to him. When he laughs my heart soars. But when we are doing these 'everyday things' together i dont look at him in a sexual way. I dont look at him and start thinking about doing sexual things with him and think 'i want to rip your clothes off'. What i do feel when i am with him doing these everyday things is a calm tender , loving feeling toward him. Its more of an ooey gooey 'how cute' feeling. This is a feeling which i adore.I feel really happy to be with him and really cuddly.
i just want to know if this is normal though (not to feel sexual when spending time doing everyday things with him)?

should i be looking at him in a sexual way when doing these everyday non-sexual things?

Do girls out there feel this way toward their boyfriends when they are doing everyday non-sexual things?


- also my friend said you should lust after your boyfriend and i am sad to say that i dont. I did in the beggining but i dont anymore.I still think he is attractive and beautiful and cute. I dont look at or lust after any other guys. In fact i find most other guys unnatractive compared to my bf. Its just that i dont experience this strong lust toward him. I never look at him and think 'youre so hot i just want to rip your clothes off' and feel some urgent need to do sexual things with him. when i see him naked my pulse never starts racing and my heart dosent beat fast and i never feel some urgent desire to get sexual with him. But i do look at him and think that he is attractive- has a beautiful body - smile, chest, arms etc etc. I am starting to get really down because of this as my friend, and some advice columns, have told me that bcause i dont lust after him i am not strongly sexually attracted to him, and that he and i are not meant to be together as a relationship needsa n intense sexual attraction to survive. I even read on this webiste that you can find someone attractive but not be strongly sexually attracted to them and tht you must have a strong sexual chemistry with someone to have a good sexual relationsip. This had all made me so upset and im really starting to get paranoid that maybe they r right, maybey im just not sexually attracted to him anymore- maybe thats why i dont get aroused. Do you think this is the case? I love him so much though and i really like pleasuring him and want to be intimate with him. I refuse to think we cant be together because i dont ever feel 'lust' for him. I have true, deep feelings of love for him and love being with him.i dont think that is worth giving up for lust. I dont think lust is important , i prefer to feel as i do toward him than intensely lustful.

my mum and other friend however tell me that its normal not to lust after him after being together for nearly 2 years. They say its only natural for it to leave as its something that only lasts a few months. Then you get used to/comfortable with your partner and . Is this true?

or is the fact that i dont lust after him abnormal and a sign of a problem?

Should i be looking at him and feeling like ripping his clothes off sometimes or is it normal that i dont?

Does everyone lust after their boyfriends? and is lust essential for a healthy relationship?


i love him so much and have been worried sick about this lately (to the point where i havent been able to get out of bed for 2 days) [Frown]

Any help/advice that would put me at ease is greatly appreciated

thanks i am very grateful for all of your help (especially Londonblue [Smile] ) marissa xx

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Heather
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Whoo, boy. That's some tough stuff you have on your plate there. I'm so sorry this has been so tough.

I'm going to work a bit backwards with this.

quote:
my mum and other friend however tell me that its normal not to lust after him after being together for nearly 2 years. They say its only natural for it to leave as its something that only lasts a few months. Then you get used to/comfortable with your partner and . Is this true?

or is the fact that i dont lust after him abnormal and a sign of a problem?

Should i be looking at him and feeling like ripping his clothes off sometimes or is it normal that i dont?

Does everyone lust after their boyfriends? and is lust essential for a healthy relationship?

If a person is going to be in a sexual relationship, then yes, sexual feelings/chemistry/dresires are going to be pretty essential. Trying to have sex when we don't have those feelings tends to be unpleasant for everyone, and doesn't make much sense.

A relationship of any kind doesn't have to BE a sexual one to be healthy. To boot, relationships don't always stay the same. Sometimes, what was a sexual and/or romantic relationship will shift over time into more of a friendship or vice-versa. And sometimes, especially in relationships that last for decades, people will shift back and forth more than once.

I'd disagree with your Mum and your friend that it's only natural to have sexual feelings for a partner for a few months. To be clear, I don't think there is anything unnatural or abnormal about situations or time or relationships where sexual feelings don't last or are temporary, but if and when that's the case for one or both people (and not just for a few days, weeks or months), then it's usually time to change the model of that relationship to acknowledge it isn't a sexual one anymore. Again, having sex when you don't feel a desire for sex isn't healthy.

If you want an analogy, it's a lot like trying to make yourself eat when you aren't actually hungry. The big difference is that we do need to eat: we do not need to be sexual with other people, especially people we don't feel sexual about. And with the eating, if we're well fed already and not hungry, there's just no need to eat. Kind of the same deal here.

In some relationships, sexual feelings or attraction will be temporary, but in others, it will continue for years or even decades. I'd actually say, based on what I know and study, that relationships that are sexual relationships for decades are the exception rather than the norm.

But it all really depends on the people and the specific relationship. Do you get what I mean?

It might help to realize that the idea of a lifelong relationship through most of history was a) based on people's lifespans being way shorter b) often didn't involve romance and c) often didn't frame those relationships as strongly sexual, or sexual at all for both partners. The western notion of romantic love, historically, including phrases like "in love" or the idea of big passionate relationships actually came not from ideas about marriage and lifelong partnership, but from nonmarital or extramarital affairs. It also is a notion, believe it or not, that's only around 600 years old.

So, it may be that you don't actually have sexual feelings for this person, even though you have deep feelings of love for them. We don't have those feelings for everyone we love, after all. So, I'd say it's worth considering if, given your feelings and dynamic, it makes sense to even have this be a sexual relationship, if that is something you both really want with each other, or something you're trying to make happen because you think you SHOULD want that together, or that that's the only way you can have a love relationship with someone.

At the same time, it also sounds like for other reasons, the sexual aspect of your relationship has been challenging. I've had sexual partners on anti-depressants that had strong sexual side effects, and it can be extremely tough. But if he's not willing to consider a switch to a med without those side effects, or feels what he gets from this medication per benefits outweighs those side effects, this is just how it's going to be, alas.

And that given, have the two of you ever just talked about the idea of not framing this as a sexual relationship? because it sounds like, for various reasons, that's really not working for either of you. This might actually be an opportunity to try a different kind of relationship -- like a highly affectionate friendship -- to see if that feels like a better fit for you both. In other words, what if you two agree to just take sex totally off the table for a few months and see how that feels for each of you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Hello Heather

at the moment our relationship is not really sexual and we are both okay with that.

I just love him so much and love spending all of my time with him and dont nescessarily even want a highly sexual/passionate relationship.

We both aknowledge that those feelings arent there on both our parts right now but we love each other and want to stay together

Sex has already been off the table for quite a few months (due to him) and it is not that i dont want to do sexual things with him. And we are both happy with each others company .


I just want to be with him that is all. I just love him very much and dont want to be just friends. I have made a promise to stick by him and i want to be with him (wether there is sex on the table or not). We just want to be together.

And i do think of him seuxally sometimes, just in small flashes, not often though.

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Heather
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I hear you.

That said, if that's the case, can you perhaps figure out why you're feeling so bad about it and crying? And might it help to just sit down and make an agreement for a while to just take sex off the table, full-stop, so you don't have to even momentarily feel like it SHOULD be there if it isn't what you two want or feel?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Incidentally, I have an issue with the phrase "just friends." Basically, what it implies is that friendships are automatically less important or more minor relationships than romantic relationships or sexual relationships.

That's a problem because of a few things. For one, plenty of sexual relationships people have are not important relationships for them, and have friendships which really are. That phrase also suggests that sex is always about something that's emotionally bigger, or of greater important, even though that really depends on every situation and relationship.

So, for example, two people could create a relationship model where they make a seriously committed partnerships, even construct a family, where they love each other, like to be physically affectionate, are in love, but don't have sex.

And something like that compared, say, to a relationship which does have sex in it, but not love, not a lot of affection, little commitment makes the previous situation hardly a "just" at all. Sex being in it doesn't make it any more meaningful by default. Get what I mean?

[ 01-24-2010, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Thanks for your advice Heather, i really appreciate it . It has been very helpful.

To answer your questions.

Perhaps figure out why you are feeling so bad about it and crying?

I am actually not a highly sexual person myself either. I have been with other guys before my boyfriend (for only short periods of time- being months) and did find sexual contact pleasurable , but it was not something that i was really even looking for. What draws me to relationsips is mainly affection, love and companionship

I have never really masturbated (probably only about 5 or 6 times in my life) . I just have never really had a strong desire to do so. Whenever i did it it felt pleasurable for a bit but then just got boring. i Sex was/is never on my mind (except for the early months of my relationship with my boyfriend)

So i am absolutely fine with the relationship my boyfriend and i have. I know and accept that he has a very low/non-existant sex drive as ive never had a strong strong desire for sex anyway, and i enjoy, value and am fufilled by the other aspects of our relationship. I feel close to him through the physical affection we show (long kisses, hugs, touching each other).I also know he feels absolutely fine with having a low sex drive and us not engaging in sexual things often. He is not concerned about this. So overall we are happy with the relationship model we have. We both like the partner/companion feeling that we get.

I guess why i am so upset about it and crying is because when i explain it to friends/family they make me feel as though we dont have a proper/normal romantic relationship and that we should'nt be together/ and relationship like ours cant endure. I watch movies and read magazines and advice columns that seem to emphasize that two people must have this strong seuxual component to be a proper couple/stay together. They make me feel as though we cant be a couple because sex is not really a part of our relationship.Thing is, we are both actually fine not having it be a big part/feeling in our relationship. We both agree that sex is not a big part of our relationship and that we have many other things that we enjoy doing together. We enjoy each other in a different way.

I agree with you that 'just friends' does suggest that sex is of greater importance even though in some relationships it is just not. In my situation i definitley dont feel like my boyfriend and i are 'just friends'. We define our relationship as a romantic one even though we dont really engage in sexual things a lot/ever because my boyfriend usually dosent feel like it.We are both fine with this.

I guess i have just been made to feel abnormal/that we cant be considered a 'couple' because of this. Get what i mean?

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Heather
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I absolutely get it, and I'm very much not in support of people framing relationships that way, deciding which are or are not important, are or are not bonafide, based on sex.

It might help to recognize that often when people are talking that way -- people in your life, people in magazines -- they're talking about their own ideals, or a cultural ideal, not about reality. In reality, those of us who have open hearts and who really connect with other people will generally, over a lifetime, have a handful of relationships that have been really important for us of ALL types, which do and don't include sex, which, when they include sex, will not all have shared the same sexual dynamic.

I think it can also help to remember that sexuality is a form of both communication and personal expression, just like others, and there's no one way all people are sexual, or no one priority everyone gives it.

For example, not everyone is very verbal. Now, I'm a big talker: I seriously rarely shut up. I also write as a form of expression relentlessly: I'm so about words. But not everyone is like that: other people are less verbal, and have major ways they express themselves and communicate which are different.

Can I ask if you feel at all assertive, when people in your life who suggest your relationship is unimportant because sex is not a big part of it, in...well, basically telling them to stuff it? More diplomatically, for sure, but have you felt able to just clearly and strongly say, "Our relationship is like this, and it's a good fit for both of us and we're happy. It might not fit you, or what you think is ideal, but it fits me. And when you say those things, you make me feel bad about something I otherwise feel good about."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(If it helps, by the way, it's occurred to me that this dynamic is actually not very dissimilar to the way many of us who are queer have had to deal with notions many other people, and culture has, about our same-sex relationships. In other words, the idea that others may have that your relationship isn't good or bonafide because it isn't strongly sexual, or very sexual at all, plays out in a lot of the same ways as ideas that unless a person has an opposite-sex partner, something central is missing.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Thanks for the advice Heather, its greatly appreciated. I have a couple more questions

Im sorry for the late reply ive been busy with organising/starting law school.

I feel much better about the situation now and feel more assertive in standing up to people who suggest our relationship is not valid. thanks so much for helping me to realise that its ok to be different.

My boyfriend and i had on open-honest talk about our relationship. The situation i had prior to the talk was that i was initiating sexual contact with him every weekend when i would see him, and he was turning me down (because of the low desire he has on his antidepressants). He told me that he just really has very little to no interest in being sexual as it is very exhausting and not very enjoyable for him (he cannot orgasm because of the antidepressants make it very difficult for him and he suffers extreme fatigue with them). He can still become aroused but he has no interest in actually doing anything sexual. He has been like this with all the girls he has had relationships with . He also said that he has never really been able to enjoy intercourse as he can nevver orgasm. he says he finds it boring and looses interest and that it makes him tired.

However what he does like is me stimulating him manually and orally (even though he cant orgasm) . I really enjoy stimulating him orally . But i get very frustrated stimulating him manually as most of the time i am doing it for around 20 mins to half and hour and he is no where close to orgasm (he only can if he takes over and does it himself) He usually just closes his eyes and dosent move/very rarely expresses any pleasure. He says its relaxing and puts him to seep sometimes. Meanwhile my hand gets sore and goes numb and feels like it is going to drop off lol. My back also starts to ache. He also dosent get much from oral stimulation. He has never gotten anywhere close to orgasm with that and says there is not even a real build up of pleasure he just says its nice. I , on the other hand really like doing it as i like the sensual aspect of it (feel/taste/smell etc). But it only lasts a while as most the time i just end up getting really tired after a while. I usually stop after half an hour (he dosent orgasm) as i cant go any longer and everything starts to get sore.

anyway, im just wondering if you know of any place that i can get some info about sexuality on anti-depressants, so that i can help him to get more enjoyment out of the seuxal things we do (when we do them)?

also i sometimes cant help but feel that all of the difficulties above are what have caused me to not feel as sexual around him anymore? We both just feel that getting into those situations is exhausting and laborious as we know that its going to be a lot of work with no real outcome. If he kisses me i start to feel a bit aroused but i just loose that feeling when im stimulating him for so long.

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marisafardella
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id just like to add that im okay with his low interest in sex and am not forcing him to be sexual when he dosent want to. I just asking so that i might have some way of making it better for him on the rare occasion that he does oblige [Smile]
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Heather
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You know, when it comes to the manual/oral sex you both enjoy, but where there are limitations on your enjoyment, I'd encourage you to find middle ground. For instance, there's no reason for you to do that for him when you're not enjoying it too, or it's stopped being enjoyable, or when your hand is getting sore. Why bot just stop at those times?

I'm not sure information on anti-depressants is going to change anything. In other words, if low libido, lack of orgasm, limited enjoyment is earnestly because of his medication, and he wants to change that, then what he'll need to do is report those side effects to his psychiatrist. Then, they can talk about considering a switch to different medications which may not have those side effects, or where they won't be quite as severe, or changing his dosage or how he takes his current medication.

But I'm not going to keep information from you because I feel it isn't relevant either, since that's patronizing as hell. [Smile] So, here are a couple links on antidepressants and sexual side effects:
http://www.primarypsychiatry.com/aspx/articledetail.aspx?articleid=990
http://www.healthyplace.com/sex/medications/antidepressants-and-libido/menu-id-66/
http://www.boston.com/news/health/articles/2008/12/15/antidepressants_may_damage_more_sex_lives/

But I also am starting to wonder if this is all about the medication/depression. In a word, he seems to be expressing that he has never really felt sexual desires, and that is only or primary motivation in the sex you do have is relaxation and helping with sleep, which sounds more like...well, masturbation activity than partnered sex, really. Do he and you feel that during these kinds of sex you both feel closer to each other? Is there a component of closeness and intimacy? Is he earnestly engaging with you in this? There's a lot more to talk about on this, but I'd want that information before I say more.

For sure, all that's going on very well could be impacting your own libido and sexual desire. I'd be surprised if it wasn't, honestly. Have you made any more efforts to develop your solo sex life in terms of masturbation?

I also want to check in with you: a few posts ago, you said you were both fine with this not really being a sexual relationship, but it sounds like one or both of you is still trying to make it one, and are NOT fine with this. You don't sound like you feel fine. Do you see where I'm seeing the potential conflict?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Hello again Heather

about your question regarding closeness and intimacy:

We still are both fine with this not really being a sexual relationship for the most part. I know his difficulties and am happy with that and so is he. But we still love and crave physical contact with each other. We constantly kiss and cuddle all the time and we both feel like we would like some sexual contact oncee in a blue moon as , yes, it does make us feel close to one another and feels like another way to have intimacy. My boyfriend says that doing the sexual things we do he feels close to me /that its just another way of feeling close to me. And so do i. I just feel that most of the time its just a really nice way for me to be close to him- to feel his body close to mine, to touch him and smell him etc...being close to him like that just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and when this manual/oral sex is going on there is also lots of kissing and cuddling and laughing and generally just enjoying each other (until it starts to get sore for me haha [Wink] - at which point i do stop. My bpyfriend tells me i can stop if i want becaause i must be getting sore /cramping up. And he also says that he enjoyed what went on/it was nice and then we cuddle and kiss more and fall asleep in each others arms [Wink]

So, yes he , and i, are both earnestly engaging in this. I know it may be hard to understand but it is like our 'us' time where we get to just be close to each . There is definently that component of closeness and intimacy- my boyfriend says thats his primary interest for doing it.
I dont know its hard to explain to other people, it may be hard for you and other people to understand as i may have not explained it in such an appealing way above, but it is just another way we are intimate with each other. Our primary way of being intimate and feeling close is through cuddling / kissing /touching . So even though he has difficulty with orgasm/sexual pleasure he still feels close/intimate to me (and i to him) through what we are doing. Its more of an emotional/tender intimate thing for us if that makes sense .

in terms of my own solo sex life thats been hard. I never really get spontaneous sexual desires out of the blue that make me want to masturbate. I just never feel the desire to really, it never crosses my mind, is that wierd? it never really has. I think i did it a few times before meeting my boyfriend.

Last year though i did i once or twice while thinking of my boyfriend though as it just came on spontaneously while i was thinking of him.

I think about kissing him and being close to him and touching him a lot. But my days are so long is more of a routine- go to work/uni get home eat,shower and then i usually have a lot of uni work to do, then i speak to my boyffriend. By the time i get to bed i just want to sleep lol. Sometimes before i go to bed i will think of the manual/usually oral sex that i give him and that gives me a bit of a seuxal buzz, but like i said im usually too tired. I would like to explore masturbation more but its just hard to with my busy/tiring schedule/routine and a house full of family that's always coming into my room/wanting to talk etc

I never think of sex in general or other guys during the day or ever. I just dont have sexual fantasies/never have. Even when i have had other boyfriends i have never masturbated.Even when i was single i never thought of guys/sex. Sex is just never really/ was never really on my mind. My motive was to always find a long-term relationship. I just wanted to find someone who could understand me/be close to me/have fun with, and that is what i have found with my boyfriend [Wink] never thought too much about the sex part. s this unusual or wrong?

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Heather
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I guess the thing I'm having a tough time understanding is where you describe that with the oral/manual, he isn't really responding to you in any way and expresses it as about his own relaxation. Am I misunderstanding?

In other words, I don't have a hard time at all understanding that for some couples, or for some sometimes, kissing and cuddling fits the bill when it comes to physical intimacy. What I'm having trouble with is you voicing in some posts that that's right for you, but in others that it isn't.

I don't know that I'd say any level of personal sexual desire is weird: this is an area where human beings vary so much that saying what is normal or isn't is exceptionally tricky. I think it's also really important we all recognize that we all tend to have our own kinds of normal.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a long-term relationship that is not sexual, not primarily sexual, or not often sexual.

The place where I'm getting a bit lost, though, is that your posts here sound half the time like you've upset about the dynamics you two have and not happy with them, but are usually followed by you saying you are happy with them. You'll say things are good and as you both want them, but then ask about how to make them different.

So, I'm having a hard time working out how you're really feeling about all of this, as well as if the upset/dissatisfaction you do have is about you, yourself, feelings dissatisfied, or about you feeling how you are because you're internalizing messages from others or somewhere else that say what works for you isn't okay. Do you know what I mean?

Can you maybe reread the whole of the posts here if you're not seeing the kind of back-and-forth I am?

[ 03-16-2010, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Hello again Heather,

Sometimes he does respond with the oral/manual stimulation and he can get into it and if he takes over himself he can eventually orgasm (but only after a LOT of hard work - both mentally and physically he says, and after he has his arm is very sore , almost cramped). He is usually exhausted after.

Some other times though he cant really get into it that much and says stimulation feels nice , but its not really going anywhere. Those are the times where he says it is relaxing.

On the whole though he is mainly not into having sexual activity as he says it takes too much effort and hard work for him to orgasm and he is frustrated when he dosent. He masturbates on his own occasionally but says he finds it hard/frustrating to reach orgasm on his own as well


To answer your last question, i know that i am upset as i internalize messages from other sources that say what works for us isnt okay- its like i dont really mind our situation because i have never really seen sexual stuff as really important anyway and i have never really been into it/pursued it all that much. I am just a more emotional person who has always been more concerned with the other side of a relationship. I just feel that there is something wrong for me for being this way instead of being really frustrated and feeling like i need to jump him and have sex . I also feel abnormal for feeling and seeing things like oral/manual stimulation on him as just more emotional/close ways to be intimate and connect with him - rather than seeing and experiencing them as really lusty just sexually focused things like they are in pornography for instance. I just feel like my sexuality is abnormal in this respect. Know what i mean?

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Heather
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So, maybe we should talk some more in terms of helping you unpack those feelings of being abnormal?

If so, before we say anything else, I want to make sure you have seen this: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2010/01/27/am_i_normal_who_cares

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marisafardella
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Hello again Heather.

thankyou for that link it makes me feel a little better. im slowly learning that i shouldent internalize things that other people/culture says but it is really hard not to when one ideal of sexuality has been promoted through culture and thats the only real view of sexuality i have ever had as i havent really explored my own.

i feel better about this stuff now. I think i may be overreacting a lot of the time and i the link you just posted has made me realize, and be more confident that that the bottom line is that if i enjoy being intimate with my boyfriend through oral sex that is all that matters. Im realizing that as long as i enjoy doing it and its healthy for me then thats all i need to know. Personally , for me that is my favourite sexual act with him. There is just something about it that is really sensual and makes me feel really close to him . i guess it dosent matter if anyone else would think this is wierd or not 'normal' . Is this what u mean?

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Heather
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It might help to recognize that when we're talking about pornography, it rarely represents ANYONE'S sexuality or sex life well. And all the more so when it comes to women in porn, since the vast majority of porn that has women in it is made for male entertainment and fantasy.

That isn't to say that for some of us, or for some of us sometimes, but not others, sex and sexuality isn't very lusty, very physical, etc. But I do think it's safe to say that for most people, the timbre of our sex and sexuality varies from day to day and partnership to partnership: it's not the same way all of the time, just like none of us are in the same emotional mood all of the time.

What those of us who have worked for a long time in sexuality know, more than almost anything else, is that there really is no normal. One of the reasons working in this area can be so exciting, especially for those of us who like an intellectual challenge, is that it's so diverse, so unpredictable, and so variant. I know a lot of people very much want there to be one "normal" and that media often presents it that way, but that presentation isn't about media trying to be realistic so much as it is about media trying to be hegemonic and sell people things.

Have you ever read much on sexuality outside the mainstream? One sexuality writer I think you, particularly, might benefit from reading is Gina Ogden, and I think you might especially like her model of sexual response: http://www.ginaogden.com/index.php?p=Wheel

I totally understand that there are some things a lot of our culture and media widely promotes where it can be hard to try NOT to take in those messages. I'm vegan, I'm Buddhist, I'm pacifist, I'm feminist, I'm queer, I'm low-income, I'm someone who has zero interest in ever getting married, I never wanted to procreate... I could go on for days, but the point is, I'm not included in a lot of media either, as a person or per a lot of my life experiences. But the way I choose to interpret that is that it's clear media isn't an accurate reflection of people.

It might also help you to perhaps adjust what you're taking in: in other words, to change some habits so you're not taking in so much of what doesn't speak to you, and take more in that does. For instance, if you read mainstream women's magazines or watch a lot of television, curbing those habits might help you feel better about this, believe it or not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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