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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I need help??? confused, horny, and at an end of my rope?

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Author Topic: I need help??? confused, horny, and at an end of my rope?
Member # 42742

Icon 9 posted      Profile for MarvinLee23     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm a teen male.
I have been going out with my girlfriend for a substantial amount of time but less than a year.
I love this girl she is my world and more.
I have never felt this way about anyone ever before.
I quit masturbating when I met her because she does not like the act.
so she is very...let's say "innocent" (when I say innocent I mean sexual wise)
she has never had a boyfriend
and I was her first...everything haha
she loves me dearly but she is not comfortable with many things.
I don't know
me...I lost my "innocence" a lonnnnng time ago and it would take a whole lot to get me shocked or insulted
I have abstained from masturbating, looking at porn or anything of the sort because I figured I wouldn't want her looking at pictures of other guys and masturbating...and because she doesn't want me to. I have abstained for a long, long, long, time and I'm going a little crazy. Now I would start back up again and not tell her but I don't really like doing it unless I have something to look at(I don't have a very good imagination)
but I can't because If I looked at porn I would feel extremely guilty and eventually tell her.
Now I know what you're thinking..."oh why don't you just ask her to give you a handjob or something"
she has given me guidelines to when she MIGHT be comfortable moving on to the next bases
we are at first
and we have been for a LONG time

2nd=one and a half years
3rd=three and a half years
home/4th=6 YEARS

the only one I agree with is 4th because there is no way I'm ready for sex at this time. but wait there's more!

things she is not comfortable with

oral-on me or her (now I would never like force her to do it to me but I said I'd do it for her and she said "EWWW why would you do that..." and I was just a little confused I mean I'm trying to give you pleasure and I do not mean right now but in a little bit of the distant future)
hanjobs-she said we could discuss this in 4 YEARS!!!!
fingering-I don't totally know her stance on this but I would bet she would be disgusted and ask me why I would want to do that to her
grinding-come on seriously????? I was like "oh...yea...that's...ok" I am dying here
(I got so desperate that I had hinted/asked her if she could shake it for me)
and she said
"well I'm not that comfortable with my body(I tell her she is beautiful all the TIME and she knows she has a good body) and why would you want me to do that?"
as you can see she is very...innocent
I can not handle this
I've been exploding my balls are about to fall off if I don't do something soon and I know that half of these answers will be "just jerk off to porn bro" that is my final solution if anything else doesn't happen.
and I am not trying to force her to do anything she is extremely uncomfortable with I don't know i'm just at a loss and I'm like tearing my hair out horny

so basically my question is
what do I do
I'm extremely horny
she is very innocent
how can I make one of the suggestions(shaking, grinding, etc.) something like that more comfortable with her
or should I just jerk off to porn?
(that is my last choice)
please help me
thank you
(I'm sorry this question was so long)

Posts: 2 | From: Sacramento | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Marwin,

It sounds like you're very frustrated right now about all this. I see where you're coming from here and would like to help. There are a lot of various aspects to this, so rather than giving you one long answer, I'd like to start a little conversation with some back and forth if you'll be around this evening or this weekend for a bit.

OK, now for my answer. [Smile]

I'll start by saying that sex is a very important of a relationship to you. By "sex", I mean everything from fantasy to kissing and touching to all types of sex (manual, oral, penis-in-vagina intercourse, etc.) As much as I love baseball, I'd ask you to step away from using it for sexual analogies.

So, sex is a big deal to you and you'd like to be involved a sexual relationship. Right now you feel very frustrated in this current one.

Just as sex is something you want very much (if not yet intercourse), your girlfriend is very uncomfortable with sex right now. That's 100% OK, too, although the problem lies in your wanting it so much and her not wanting it hardly at all right now. Before I go on, I'd also like to ask you to reconsider phrases like "very innocent"; that involve a certain (negative) value judgment aspect, so we'd prefer terms like "this is her first sexual relationship of any kind." That actually tells us a lot more than "innocent" ever would. [Smile]

I see her giving you these big six-year-plan statements and I see you, surely very unintentionally, putting a lot of pressure on her right now to be more open to these sexual things.

Right now I see incompatibility of sexual desires and comfort levels to be a huge, glaring monster in the room, so to speak. So, what can we do?

One main point of a sexual partnership is doing sexual things together that you both enjoy; getting to know each other better on many levels and sharing pleasure. Masturbation is about satisfying our own sexual desires, as much as we want and when we want. By all means, do it once-twice-ten times a day! [Smile] However, please please don't look to your girlfriend as the person who must "relieve" your sexual horniness. (Along those lines, I can *assure* you that your balls will *not* fall off. [Wink] )

There is *nothing* wrong with masturbation in our book! (I'm going to link you an article in a bit.) In fact, it's a perfect way to express our desire and explore our own sexual interests. You can use pornography, as you mentioned, but you can also just use your imagination if you'd be more comfortable with that. (I know you say your imagination isn't very good but, hey!, developing a vivid sexual imagination can help lead to figuring yourself out better and future sexual enjoyment even in partnered situations.)

I know porn can be a sticking point in many relationships; I will give you credit for not holding her to a double-standard here. However, I would ask to to reconsider your mutual decision there to one that could work better for you both.

So, all this said: I just see a huge hurdle or roadblock here. I see you feeling frustrated and her feeling pressured and uncomfortable. Just as it's ok for her not to want to do any of these things other than kissing, it's ok for you to want a relationship with someone who would be comfortable with that. While we can't or shouldn't try to change our partners, we can decide that a specific relationship isn't working for us, end it, and look for one that is a better fit. I think that might be the case here; if so, that's ok and may even be best. We can talk about that more later though.

Here are some questions: How old are you two exactly? How long have you been dating? Apart from sex, what are some of the things you like so much about each other?

Now here are some articles that I'd like you to check out and then tell me what you think. [Smile]

10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Does Abstinence Make the Heart Grow Fonder?
Going Blind: A Masturbation Memoir
Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)
Jerking Off
Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography
Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul
FBI Files: Vasocongestion, AKA: Blue Balls
Yield for Pleasure
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

(That's a lot but all are helpful in different ways. Why not just start with two or three that interest you and then come back and we'll talk more. [Smile] )

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37490

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Bragorien     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That sounds tough. I feel for you, man. I /was/ innocent. Never did any of those things before, and I swore that I never would. Two weeks later I had. [Razz] Maybe taht will happen to you? Maybe? Hmmm.
If she really isn't comfortable with herself thats probably what is stopping her. Is she very religious? If she's been brought up to think its worng she could be scared of upsetting her parents. Or just downright worried she'll do it wrong, she'll hurt you, you'll hurt her... etc.


"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

Posts: 74 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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