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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Being a ''teacher''

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Author Topic: Being a ''teacher''
cool87
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It seems to be a common pattern with me. A lot of the guys I've dated, who were older, when it comes to sex, wanna act as my ''teacher'' and teach me things. That's just really a turn on for them. This current guy is the same, too, and he's told me that this is something he likes about dating younger girls.

It really turns me off, for me it just is like guys wanting to play daddy. I'm not going to give in and play the game. It's like they know everything, know better than me and like there is just one way to do things and that is just not how it works. Like he's talking in a very generalized way which doesn't make sense like saying things such as '' you want to know how guys like to have sex, I can show you'' instead of talking about how ''him'' likes to have sex. It also feels to me like it's about them being in control.

I've just come to question if this isn't linked to something I say or do or if it's just about it being some sort of interest for them. Is this about me not making clear that this just isn't an interest of mine ? Are they automatically assuming this is why I'm dating older guys ?

I told him I was not interested in playing that game and that it was a turn off but he keeps doing it like unintentionnally at times, like that is just something he's used to doing with other girls and that he just seems to forget that I don't like that. I just don't know what to think, I don't know if he's being sincere or not.

[ 05-23-2009, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Capucine
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Well I don't know about him being sincere or not, but I do know that every relationship with another person is unique and special. It's not cool to act a certain way in a relationship just because that's what you've always done.

I mean this is a behavior that you have made clear you don't like So I don't think it would be fair to you to just let it go, unintentional or not.

I've been with my boyfriend for a couple years now, and still sometimes I realize he has been doing/acting in a way that really bothers me, or I to him. And sometimes just mentioning that I don't like it isn't enough: like it doesn't register as very important to him, you know? So then you gotta sit them down and officially state your case. I don't like doing it or receiving it, but to keep our relationship happy and healthy sometimes you just gotta get the nitty gritty out of the corners.

So if this is something that really bothers you, sit him down and let him know that this isn't something that you want in your relationship, or something. But don't just let it stew, yeah? Just letting stuff sit usually doesn't do anyone any good.

Hope all that made some sense, and helped a bit =)

[ 05-23-2009, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Capucine ]

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cool87
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It bothers me because a past partner have used this as a way to control me and make me do things I didn't want to do.

So whenever he tries to play teacher, it scares me, it doesn't trigger me but I'm scared this is going to go further and I'm reminded of what happened and I don't feel safe, just get really turned off.

He does stop but at other times, he slips again and seem to forget.

[ 05-23-2009, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Capucine
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Have you told him about all that? and that it scares you? Cause that seems like a pretty serious thing, not the kind of thing he should forget about, you know?

[ 05-23-2009, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: Capucine ]

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cool87
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I told him that I didn't like it when he does that, that this is not something I'm interested in.

[ 05-23-2009, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Capucine
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Okay, maybe it is time to tell him how much it bothers and scares you, and about how someone used it to hurt you before. Like it's still not cool that he 'forgets', but maybe telling him some of the back story will let him understand that this is a serious thing.

And after all that if he still is not respecting your wishes, it may be time to think some things over, you know? Like if he still does it knowing it makes you feel unsafe and scared, that's really NOT an okay thing in my book.

[ 05-23-2009, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: Capucine ]

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bluejumprope
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What you're describing sounds seriously unhealthy. I mean, this isn't just a neutral personal preference. I think your sense that it's about control is correct. I don't think this has anything to do with you not communicating properly. With your history, I find it alarming that he'd even give an excuse like "forgetting."

Particularly in an age-disparate relationship, it's the older person's responsibility to be hyper-aware of the power imbalance and respectful of your feelings. He is obviously not doing this.

Not all older guys are like this, but with the ones who repeatedly date younger women, I'd say it's common.

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cool87
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I don't know. I'll just think about it. I'm just not going to give in though.

But thank you all for the help you've offered me.

[ 05-24-2009, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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cool87
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I talked to him yesterday on the phone and I told him that if he forgets about it one more time, then I'm done and breaking things up with him.

I don't like to blackmail like that and it was difficult for me to do so but I'm just freaking tired of guys taking advantage of me and wanting to be in control over me.

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Heather
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Setting a limit is not blackmail.

It's setting a hard limit and a clear boundary, and is what healthy people do in healthy relationships.

Edited to add that I know I've talked to you about it in the past, but I really think doing some solid reading on having relationships after abuse (like The Courage to Heal or Staci Haines' work) or a book or two on boundary-setting like this one is really, really something you'd benefit from, and something I think you have needed to do for quite some time pretty badly.

[ 05-25-2009, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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cool87
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What I'm scared of when setting limits, is that partners gets angry at me and hurt me.

Because when they don't get what they want, they sometimes get angry so sometimes it is just easier to give them what they want instead of arguying, you just get hurt less.

[ 05-25-2009, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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This is me being a broken record, but if you are scared of a partner, you should not be with that person at ALL. If someone gets angry with you for setting a limit, then you need to LEAVE, full-stop.

And if you cannot be in relationships where you feel able to have limits and boundaries, it is not likely to be healthy for you to be in intimate relationships. A relationship cannot be healthy without both people having limits and boundaries: it just can't.

In other words, I know you feel this way. This has been how you have felt for a long time. But it's up to you to break those patterns or exempt yourself from intimate relationships until you can really get better with that. Otherwise, you just can't expect to have healthy relationships that you feel good in.

Too? If you don't set limits and boundaries, you pretty much are guaranteeing you'll get hurt in some way. You're more likely to get hurt by NOT setting and upholding your limits than you are by not doing so. You know that by now: you've reported getting hurt pretty much every single time, usually because of going without limits, so that should be pretty obvious by now.

[ 05-25-2009, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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cool87
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You don't have to help me, I feel like I don't deserve it.

I don't have access to English books unless I'm ordering them on Amazon. But libraries here don't have much English books, if at all so I can't borrow them.

When I set up some limits, like for example, told my partners I don't want to have sex tonight, they end up coercing me into it anyway and get mad so sex hurts more. It'd like a punishment so that next time I don't arguy with them and say yes to sex.

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Heather
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I also want to ask you something.

You give a lot of other young women advice here. Would you really ever tell this this:

quote:
Because when they don't get what they want, they sometimes get angry so sometimes it is just easier to give them what they want instead of arguying, you just get hurt less.
...as a healthy way to manage their relationships?

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cool87
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No, of course not and I think you know that, or at least I hope.

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Heather
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quote:
When I set up some limits, like for example, told my partners I don't want to have sex tonight, they end up coercing me into it anyway and get mad so sex hurts more. It'd like a punishment so that next time I don't arguy with them and say yes to sex.
...and the error there, the biggest one, is giving that person a chance at a next time at all. Again, you know that. Another error is staying in the room with them after they have done anything less than accept your no.

You know that I think you really need more counseling (you keep advising everyone else to get it, by the way: why is it what they should have, but not you?) before you have sexual relationships, based on the scope of your history. But as usual, that's your choice. However, it seems pretty clear you're locked into some bad patterns here, so something's got to give or change if you want things to go any differently.

I have no doubt you can find books on boundary-setting in French. And The Courage to Heal has a French translation, as does Haines' work.

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Heather
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quote:
No, of course not and I think you know that, or at least I hope.
Thing is, I don't know that, because it doesn't make any sense to me why you'd advise others to do things you don't or won't if you really mean what you say in advising others.

If it's not sound advice for anyone else, it isn't sound for you, either. And if it isn't advice you can't follow yourself? Then what that tells me -- and what it tells me anytime I find myself in the same position with advice I'm giving -- is that I need to step away from advising others and take care of my own house first.

[ 05-25-2009, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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cool87
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I know, it makes sense.

I think I'm just not going to answer this guy's calls, I'm just going to ignore him and not see him again. If he calls me, I'll tell him that it's over. I know I have to do that even though it's scary.

I'm just really really sick of being in the same boat over and over again. I'm sick of hurting myself and letting others hurting me.

I'll probably try to look into couseling again, I know I really need it and have to make some time and efforts for it.

What you say really makes sense and I agree with what you're saying.

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Heather
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If you're sick of being in the same boat, you gotta stop getting on the same boat, gal, and if you do err and find yourself on it again, need to get off when you know you are. I know you know that.

It seems pretty clear that over the last couple years, you being hurt is party due to what others do, but also partly due to the ways you hurt yourself or set yourself up to be hurt by both avoiding the help you know you need and doing things you know by now are recipes for hurt or disaster for you.

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cool87
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I know, that's true and that's why I need help. I don't want to go on my entire life living this way and never having the opportunity to experience what an healthy relationship feels like.

As much as I sometimes hate myself, I think anyone deserves better than this, myself not being an exception.

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Heather
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It gets a lot harder to hate yourself when you earnestly start helping yourself. For reals.

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cool87
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We'll see. Counseling can for sure help me too with the hating myself part. I've never engaged in drugs or auto-mutilation but I think that getting in abusive relationship over and over again has just been my own way of self-injury/auto-mutilation, this is just how I've hurt myself and this needs to stop.

[ 05-25-2009, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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I have to say that I'm in agreement with that last sentence. Same goes with purposefully putting yourself in situations you know you really can't handle and where you are likely to have your boundaries pushed, knowing you are without the skillset to demand they be honored and respected.

And you can also start with, or support therapy with, some of the kinds of books I suggested. You and I both know you can find French versions if you put in the effort to actually look.

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cool87
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Sure, if I can't find the French version of those books you suggested, I can at least find others that deal with the same subject.

Thanks a whole lot. I promise you I'll never be in the same kind of relationship again, it's over. I've had enough.

If I find myself in one again, then I just don't deserve any help with it.

[ 05-25-2009, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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How about this? I don't have to be in those situations, you do. the only person you owe vows or promises to when it comes to this stuff is yourself.

So, if you want to make a vow about this, make one to you. [Smile]

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cool87
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Alright, but I needed somebody to hear this.

We can close that thread now.

[ 05-25-2009, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Just FYI? I saw what you added about "just not deserving" any help if this happens again.

I don't think that that is true: I think everyone who needs help deserves help. Mind, at a certain point, people are going to have limits of their own and may not continue to be willing or able to provide a person help, especially for someone unwilling to help themselves.

But that doesn't mean anyone isn't deserving, nor that that person cannot get the help they need. They may simply need to explore new venues for help now and then, or seek out different help than they have been.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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