Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » When sex doesn't go as planned

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: When sex doesn't go as planned
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
At times, each one of us who are sexually active will pretty much all going to have non-enjoyable, ackward sex, be it because you just get turn off by something your partner does or says, because you're just not in the mood for sexual activity or your partner isn't, because sex is painful, because you or your partner have problems getting aroused, because you feel your partner is being too passive, being your sexual interests differs a lot from your partner's, because you or your partner doesn't reach orgasm, etc.

When that happens, how do you and your partner generally deal with it ?

Is this a dealbreaker for you, especially when that happens with a new partner ?

What about relationships who are primarily sexual in nature, does that lead to you generally ending the sexual relationship when first time sex doesn't as right as you would have liked it to be ?

[ 05-22-2009, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
Personnally, when that happens, I generally get frustrated but do not blame my partner for it. I sometimes tend to blame myself instead.

What I think would be a deal breaker for me would be a partner absolutly wanting to engage in a sexual activity I have no interest in or a partner having an interest that I just don't feel comfortable with, like BSMD, even though we don't engage in it, I don't think I'd still be comfortable being with a partner having that or some other things as sexual interests.

What would also constitute a deal breaker for me would be a partner who is too much passive or taking too much control during sex.

I wouldn't break up with a partner because I don't reach orgasm with him nor because sex is painful, because I don't think it would be due to him.

I don't think I'd mind a partner not being able to get aroused because intercourse isn't all there is to me and as long as it's pleasurable for him, it's alright.

I think it'd be really different were I in a primarily sexual relationship, but that's not the case right now.

[ 05-22-2009, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think it's just a given that sex is awkward now and then, and sometimes even more often than now and then. Much in the same way that dancing with someone is often awkward or less than Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers perfect. But that's just human: real-life sex isn't like sex in the movies, and thank goodness, because it'd be a lot less interesting and real.

As well, I consider it a given that with partnered sex, people are not always going to reach orgasm, and a given that someone's turn-on may be someone else's turn-off.

More to the point, with newer partners, or sexual partnerships that haven't gone on for a while, I'd tend to expect all of this stuff happens more frequently.

I don't think there's any reason for anyone to toss blame around, and that this kind of stuff is just part of the sexual learning curve with partners. Too? I don't think we can ever "plan" for how sex goes, really. We can certainly communicate and negotiate so that no one is ever doing anything they don't want to, and limits and boundaries are understood and can be respected, but having some sort of plan for how sex will go tends to be an exercise in futility.

[ 05-22-2009, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
I admit my wrong choice of word, I didn't mean planned as much as how we'd like sex to go.

But yes, I get what you mean.

[ 05-22-2009, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
But that's still something I'd look at.

Let me try and be more clear: how sex goes is something that, in many respects, is really unpredictable, and based on a very unique alchemy of the people involved, where those people are at themselves in a given day, how the people are or are not connecting together, the whole works. If anyone comes to sex with very specific expectations, they're pretty unlikely to have them met a lot of the time.

It's just one of those things in life where enjoying it has a lot to do with enjoying going with the flow. If someone isn't down with a lot of unpredictability, or being surprised in any number of ways, sex is probably not going to be something that feels right or feels particularly beneficial.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
Then this means that even people who have been dating for years can have as much ackward sex as somebody who is new to dating ?

[ 05-22-2009, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
By all means, a lot of clear communication around sex can be something that can make things less awkward, and let people have a better idea of what to expect.

However, by all means, people who have been together for years can still have times when sex is awkward, and no matter how much people communicate or how long people have been together, surprises can be in store. Having sex tends to be transformative in some respects for many people, and what anyone feels, likes or wants can surprise even them often enough. In other words, we can all communicate, sure, but we can't always predict even what we, ourselves, will want or like or how we will respond.

Plus, we're always learning, evolving, finding new things out about ourselves a lot of the time with sexual experiences. Very few people will walk into their sexual life liking and disliking the same things as they will through their whole lives, and what people like and dislike also isn't the same with every day or year, nor with every partner.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, I'd be inclined to think that when somebody doesn't like a given sexual activity, that most of the time it doesn't really matter with whom she does it with, albeit if a partner is really uncaring.

It's hard for me to think that my likes and dislikes might change over time. I think for that to be more likely to happen you have to be opened to trying out new things.

[ 05-22-2009, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
I think for that to be more likely to happen you have to be opened to trying out new things.
And that is pretty much what happens with sex and sexuality over time. When you connect with people, are having sex with more than just yourself, you tend to be exposed to and try new things.

We know from sexuality studies that it's actually far less common for someone's likes and dislikes, or personal preferences, to be static and unchanging through a lifetime than it is for them to shift and grow. And the variances of different partners and different partnerships absolutely tend to impact that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
I just think that you have to be very very comfortable with a partner to be willing to try out new things that you fear and even in that case I'm still not sure that this would happen.

Some partners have said that this makes me ''boring'' in bed and I think I know why they've said that now. Maybe I'm just not there yet and haven't really reached that point where I've felt totally comfortable with a given partner.

[ 05-22-2009, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
By all means, comfort and time with a trusted partner tends to be pretty key to people becoming more flexible and fluid about trying things.

And if someone is telling you you are boring in bed? I think you know right then and there that's not likely to be someone you're going to be able to get comfortable with, and quite validly.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
I just think they said that to manipulate me, by saying that I think they thought I was going to give in and try the new sexual activities that they wanted to engage with me in. I just think this was some sort of coercion from their part.

If really I was boring in bed, they would have stopped having sex with me which they didn't.

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think continuing to have sex with someone who says those kinds of things to you is a bad call, to be plain. They just told you, in talking like that, that they're not going to be a good sexual partner or someone interested in your comfort.

I agree, part of that very well may have been a manipulation to be sure, but it's also a clear signal to you to stop being intimate with that person if you've interest in being with a decent partner who is decent to you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cool87         Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, I get that but thanks for making sure I understand that.

--------------------
Sustain Scarleteen by donating
http://www.scarleteen.com/donate.html

Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3