Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » never had an orgasm

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: never had an orgasm
moonlitwindy
Neophyte
Member # 42355

Icon 9 posted      Profile for moonlitwindy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi folks.

I've neeever had an orgasm. This is starting to concern me. :/ I'm a 20 year old female with a fantastic boyfriend of like.. a year and a bit. We've not been having sex lately, partially cos he won't always take time before touching me, so I get even more turned off, or any number of things. But he's still my best friend and we still will make out, sooo, what to do? Take a 'break' or something?

Posts: 2 | From: Portland, OR | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
Activist
Member # 41657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jill2000Plus     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
First, it tends to be that worrying about reaching orgasm can make it less likely to happen, it's a kind of pressure that most don't do very well under. In particular, don't think you have to have an orgasm for your partner's benefit, as your orgasms are for your enjoyment and not to validate their prowess.

I would advise that you try masturbating, if you haven't already, it's how most everyone discovers what they like sexually and has their first orgasms. Try exploring all over to see what feels good for you.

Your partner shouldn't be touching you when you don't want them to. It's not going to be easy to get turned on if they try and rush things or start them when you don't want to. Think about what kind of sexual contact you do want (if any), it doesn't have to be intercourse, which I mention partially because it's true and also because it is, contrary to popular mythology, not likely to lead to orgasm for most women unless accompanied by additional clitoral stimulation. Much like if you are being sexual by yourself, focusing on all the kinds of touch that you enjoy (hand holding, backrubs, having your thighs stroked, whatever works for you) makes sexual activity more enjoyable, and if you do want intercourse, being very aroused first is important, as your whole body will become much more receptive to penetration when you are fully aroused. Also, use lube, lube is always good. Once again, if you'd prefer to, say, masturbate together, or have oral sex, or just make out, that's fine too.

The break thing, that is up to you. I think the important thing is for them to understand that they shouldn't touch you if you haven't said you want them to (if they don't get this, then I don't advise sticking with them). But maybe a break would also be a good idea, I cannot really offer a view based on what you said.

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meg91
Neophyte
Member # 42338

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Meg91     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I can totally relate to what you'e saying, as until recently I had some similar issues. Although I'm a virgin in the old-fashioned sense, the only people I'd been with sexually had been totally opposite types of guys; one who was self-involved and merely asked for handjobs on demand (nice) and the other who got extremely frustrated that I couldn't orgasm and would literally obsess over trying to give me one. As you can imagine, neither of these guys helped me, as from one I got no attention and from the other I got so MUCH attention that it made me feel uncomfortable. My mistake was expecting to have an orgasm with a partner when never having had one myself. I don't think you can reasonably expect that, so, after a year of being single and being quite non-sexual (the pressures of my previous relationships caused this) I began masturbating for an hour a day. I literally set aside an hour in the evening, when I was listening to music or in the bath, and for the first time, I ALLOWED myself to explore myself sexually, without pressures from a man. I let myself have fantasies about girls, about all kinds of stuff, stuff that I'd been suppressing before.
So my advice would be:
1) If you need to take a break, fine -- but don't let the orgasm thing be a reason for that. Continue to enjoy your partner in other ways and focus on masturbating for your OWN singular pleasure before you even think about trying to have an orgasm with him.
2) Although you shouldn't obsess over having an orgasm, some people do need to set aside time to allow themselves to explore their body. I think you should do this. An orgasm won't happen by magic.
3) When you're masturbating focus on your fantasy/sexual thoughts and how nice it feels, don't let any worries enter your mind, just enjoy it.

Posts: 6 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
EVivian
Activist
Member # 38998

Icon 1 posted      Profile for EVivian     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just a quick suggestion: A vibrator may be helpful in allowing you to reach orgasm. It's just one option, but if you are quite interested in having an orgasm and haven't tried a vibrator yet, it's worth looking into. If you aren't really interested in masturbating, you could always ask your partner to use it on you.
Posts: 71 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Talltwentysomething
Neophyte
Member # 42409

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Talltwentysomething     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I actually had a similar question, except from the other side of the coin. I'm a 23 year old guy and I recently had sex for the first time, but even after over an hour of going at it I didn't orgasm. In fact, I was no where near it. Could it be cause the condom was too tight or something?
Posts: 1 | From: Connecticut | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bananaghost
Neophyte
Member # 42427

Icon 1 posted      Profile for bananaghost     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm having a similar problem myself.
I can give myself an orgasm but my boyfriend who ive been with for a while cant.
ive actually never had an orgasm during sexual activity with someone other than myself...and i do have plenty sexual experience..with plenty(i mean..i can count it on two hands.)of people.
i know that makes me sound slutty but, whatever.

and its just really weird.
because although sex feels great for me still, it doesnt produce the same feeling i get when i have my "alone time".
during sex, i never even get close and i know that im never going to get close.
because its not the same feeling..at all.
we dont obcess over it though.
it bothers him a lot but its not really a big deal to me...sorta?

maybe it has something to do with my age?
im 18.
Also, sorry i didnt have any advice.

Posts: 1 | From: San Diego, Ca | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Talltwentysomething: it's pretty common for people not to reach orgasm their first time having sex. Nerves can definitely interfere, and it is very likely that as you get used to sexual activity you'll have an easier time. Not being used to wearing a condom can also be a factor - if you haven't already, try masturbating with one on so you get used to the sensation. (It may also be worth experimenting with different brands of condoms, if you're finding them too tight. Not every single brand is going to be fantastically comfortable for everyone.)

bananaghost: What you're experiencing is also perfectly normal. Have you tried showing your partner how you like to be touched/how you masturbate? Are you comfortable communicating how something is feeling? It's impossible for a partner to just know these things - sex requires a lot of communication so that it's enjoyable for everyone.

Too, if your partner is uber focused on getting you to orgasm, that can put a pretty big damper on enjoyment. It's a lot more likely to happen when everyone just goes with the flow rather than setting orgasm up as a huge important goal that must be reached at any cost.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5728 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kamille
Activist
Member # 42270

Icon 1 posted      Profile for kamille         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm a female and experiencing the same problem as the 1st poster above. I just can't seem to orgasm, although I think I've almost had one several times. When I finally reach the point of what I think is an orgasm, my bf finishes! I have never touched myself and I wouldn't know where to begin...any suggestions? I realize that sex can't be amazingly mind blowing all the time, but I would really like a WOW from time to time. Sometimes the lower abdominal pain really is annoying - it could be the position though...unfortunately, it's the only one that I usually actually feel something!
Posts: 125 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3