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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

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Author Topic: Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me
ladylady
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I've only ever been sexually active with one person. I don't know if we'll always be together but it's likely that we'll be with each other for some time. If this is so, I'll have had sex with only one person, and I'm worried that people will think that I'm a prude and/or undesirable. I know everyone has to find what works for them and I shouldn't care what other people think, but I guess I do. I've never considered myself prudish at all, but when I hear people talking about how many sexual conquests they've had I feel so inferior. Having a lot of partners seems to be a sign that you're liberated and highly sexual. I haven't had a lot of partners so what does that make me? I'd like to feel better about this, but I can't think of any way short of sleeping with a bunch of people, which I'd rather not do now.
Posts: 32 | From: Canada | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SnailShells
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People who care that much, who are going to judge your 'desirability' based soley on your number of sexual partners, whether it's 0 or 100, aren't worth your time.

Who are 'people'? Even if you were walking around with a shirt that had a '1' on it, with everyone else wearing shirts with their sexual partner number, how many people do you think would have '1's, '0's, or other 'inferior' numbers? And how many do you think actually consider fewer sexual partners a bonus? Having a lot of partners isn't a sign of anything. In fact, as I'm sure you know, more sexual partners can be taken as promiscuity, and I'm sure you're aware of the terrible double standard for women in that regard.

Seriously, you're still young. Not having a lot of partners makes you just that--someone who hasn't had a lot of partners.

[ 01-21-2009, 10:25 PM: Message edited by: SnailShells ]

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ladylady
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quote:
In fact, as I'm sure you know, more sexual partners can be taken as promiscuity, and I'm sure you're aware of the terrible double standard for women in that regard.
I'm very aware of that, but somehow I'm able to brush off the opinion of someone who thinks less of me for being sexually active outside of marriage more easily than someone who thinks I'm a prude for only having one partner.
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SnailShells
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Just wondering, has anyone actually communicated such an opinion to you?

I know I would be pretty offended if someone actually said that they don't respect me as a person because of my sex life, whether or not I had one or one hundred partners. And again, this person wouldn't be worth my time. People worth my time don't care that much about something like that.

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Too, I think some of why it may seems like someone having a poor opinion about your having had many sexual partners would be no big whoop may be due to that merely being an abstract to you, not something actual.

quote:
Having a lot of partners seems to be a sign that you're liberated and highly sexual
Maybe...or maybe not. It really depends. People have many (whatever "many" means) partners for any number of reasons, but there are some people who have had many partners without ever having enjoyed sex once, because they simply cannot say no or because they have a compulsion.

I'd also add that even for people who are "highly sexual," and a high sex drive has been the primary driver of having had more than one or many partners that people differ in their level of desire for sex. There is no one right libido, but a bunch of variety, not just from person to person, but even for a given person at different phases in life.

In addition, I'd say that anyone viewing sex as conquest is quite the opposite of sexually liberated.

[ 01-22-2009, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ladylady
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quote:
Just wondering, has anyone actually communicated such an opinion to you?
Nobody's ever said anything to my face...it's more of an impression I've gotten, when people talk about how they'd never sleep with a virgin, or imply that anyone who hasn't had a lot of experience is automatically clueless and naive.

I'm very sorry if I made it sound like women who have lots of partners don't have to deal with negative reactions. I guess you always want what you haven't got.

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Liia
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These 'people' sound not too nice to be perfectly honest. You are who you are, you have respect for yourself, which people shoudl respect back. You love your partner and that is all that matters.

Surely having loads of sexual partners is worse than having just one? Have respect for yourself.

Liia [Smile]
x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You don't have to be sorry, I'm just guessing that were the shoe on the other foot, you'd probably feel just as hurt or insulted as you do from the opposite supposition, you know? It's a lot easier to say a criticism wouldn't hurt us when we haven't walked that mile is all.

I think it might help to recognize that the idea that being new to something is a bad thing often comes from people who are in a phase of life where they, too, feel new to everything and are dissing others who are MORE new to try and make themselves feel more experienced. But what we do or don't learn from one partner, three partners or fifty partners is often less about the number of partners we have and more about what we bring to the table with those we do, however few or many that is. So, someone with four partners may or may not know more than you do or have a broader view and experiences than you do or have.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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By the way, Liia?

In order for everyone to kind of get over affixing status to ANY number of partners, we have to let go of value judgments on anyone no matter WHAT their experiences have been. In other words, I feel like this kind of response is the problem, not to solution.

I would NOT say that "surely having loads of sexual partners is worse than having just one," nor that having just one is worse than having more than one. Again, experiences are so subjective, and what's right for one person may not be for someone else. There's no "right" number of partners for anyone. As well, whatever number of partners a person chooses to be sexual with may or may not be related to self-respect in any way, nor does having more than one partner mean someone respects themselves less than someone who has chosen one.

[ 01-23-2009, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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