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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Discouraged Boyfriend

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Author Topic: Discouraged Boyfriend
StarHallie
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I'm one of the many women who can't orgasm from vaginal sex. For this reason, oral sex has always been important in my sexual relationships.

I haven't had any problems with any of my other partners, but I can't orgasm from oral from my new partner (bless his heart). I told him that I didn't care if I could orgasm, and that it still feels fantastic, but I think he got discouraged because now he very rarely initiates oral sex with me (not even in the 69 position), while I really enjoy giving it to him.

When I asked him why, he said that, if he could have an orgasm from oral sex from other girls before me, but I couldn't make him orgasm, that I'd be less inclined to want to give him oral sex, too.

Is he just discouraged, or is he being selfish and insecure, too? I'm not quite sure what to say to him.

Thanks, all!

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

Posts: 231 | From: California, USA | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Okay, just to make sure I got that right, is your partner the one not being able to orgasm from oral sex or is this is about YOU not being able to orgasm through oral sex ?

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
StarHallie
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Sorry if I was unclear. [Smile] I can't orgasm when my new partner gives me oral sex. I've been able to orgasm from all my previous partners.

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

Posts: 231 | From: California, USA | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Okay, thanks.

How long have you been with this partner for ? I ask that because not being able to orgasm through any kind of sex can sometimes happen in the beginning of a sexual relationship with a new partner that we might not necessarily be yet totally comfortable with.

That said, have you ever asked your partner if he likes to perform oral sex, if this is a sexual activity that he is really interested in ? I ask that because you already seem to have made clear to him that you really enjoy receiving oral sex even though you are not able to orgasm from it at this point with your partner but yet he seems to be resilient in continuing performing oral sex on you even though.

So it's possible that this is just about him not being interested in this particular sexual activity and has nothing to do with you not being able to orgasm from it. How's the communication in your relationship, are you both totally comfortable stating your own limits and boundaries ?

I'd also try once again to tell him that you do enjoy oral sex a lot even though you are not yet able to orgasm from it with him. And that this isn't about him, but rather about you. It is very possible that he might think you are simply not enjoying oral sex if you don't orgasm from it, which isn't always the case at all.

[ 01-04-2009, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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September
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Have you noticed any change in your libido on the whole? What you're noticing may not have anything to do with your partner at all. You may simply be going through a time where your libido is less active. We go through phases where we're more or less interested, and that's perfectly normal.

Another reason may simply be that this is still new. How long have you been with this new partner? You may simply need a bit more time to get used to him and for your bodies to adjust to each other.

Either way, it's nothing to get discouraged about, and it sounds like you understand that. Have you tried talking to your partner about it? Let him know that you don't mind things the way they are and that you enjoy being with him regardless of whether or not you achieve climax?

Thanks to popular media, there's a lot of status and self-esteem mixed up with being able to bring a partner to climax, so you may be spot on with suspecting that he's a bit insecure. Especially because it seems like he is comparing himself to your past partners and feeling like he comes up short. The key to solving this, as always, is to communicate about this.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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StarHallie
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I've been with him for 9 months, and he's wonderful!

I've asked him if he likes giving oral sex and he said that he does in a committed relationship.

I am fortunate that he is very good about openly talking about sex, and that I feel very comfortable talking to him.

I have told him many times that I really enjoy oral when he feels like doing it, whether or not I have an orgasm from it.

I talked to him a bit more about it and I think he just feels like: if my previous partners made me orgasm, why can't he?

I told him that all we can do is relax and try and have fun and make the bedroom expectation-free. I told him I need a lot of time and patience and forplay. I also appologized to him for accidentally making him feel less than adequate.

I think the important thing is that we seemed to come to an understanding about how we both feel. He told me he's been witholding the fact that he feels insecure about it from me until now. Maybe the fact that it's all out in the open will help us in the bedroom.

Thanks for all of your help, guys!

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
-Woody Allen

Posts: 231 | From: California, USA | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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