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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Penetration issues.

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Author Topic: Penetration issues.
LondonBlue
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Hello again [Smile]

I've been reading all the FAQ info and articles about this topic, and I know it's a pretty common problem, but I still don't feel totally reassured, so I thought maybe I could get some help with my specific situation. So I'm sorry if this is something you've read before. [Smile]

Basically, I'm having first-time sex problems with my boyfriend of >3 years (he's almost 2 years younger than I am; I'm in college). We're both each other's firsts.

I've been masturbating (w/ orgasm) for 3 years now, so I'm comfortable with my body and I recognize arousal, etc. When my boyfriend and I try having sex, I always make sure I'm completely aroused and really want it. We also use lube (I've been on the ring for a few months, and we're clean re: STDs, so we don't use condoms).

The issue is that he can't get past my opening. I am unusually small in every way, including down there (at my one and only pap test, the doctor almost had to stop because the speculum was too big, and he said he'd get a pediatric size one for next time), and he's relatively large, so there is a bit of a size issue. I know my vagina should be able to stretch to accomodate him, and it feels like it can inside, but the muscles/tissues right at the opening won't let him in (because of both horrible pain and physical impossibility). We literally can't even get his head in, and we're going really slow, using lots of lube, etc.

When I'm aroused, I can easily get 2 of my own fingers in (almost the width of his penis, although I can NEVER get 3 in, even stacked up into a kind of cylinder shape), and I've never had any problem with tampons. So I don't really know what the problem is.

One final issue is that since I'm away at college, we only get to try sex every 2 weeks or so, so our progress is extremely slow. We've been experimenting with oral and manual stimulation for ~2 years, so we're well-acquainted with each other's bodies, and he's extremely patient with this pain issue of mine.

It seems like some kind of dilation would work, but the Internet says that's really only for women with vaginismus and other afflictions like that. Is it possible that I could have that, even though tampons/fingers are okay? It really feels like the inside of my vagina wants to be penetrated and can accomodate him, but there's this unhelpful ring of muscle at the entrance which is keeping him out.

Sorry for the massive post again...any thoughts? [Frown]

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DemeterA
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First of all, let me applaud you for masturbating. I wish more females would! It really bothers me to hear girls complain about sexual issues when they won't even take the time to get to know themselves.

Anyways, the only advice I can recommend is that you should gradually increase the size of what your are using to masturbate with. That should stretch a little at a time.
I also read online that you have the guy insert you while he is soft and then it will stretch as it gets bigger, but I think that would be pretty difficult to do.

When I was younger I would try using bigger things and it paid off because there was no pain when I lost my virginity. Good luck!

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smokey
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Can I ask what sort of things anyone would recommend? I generally don't insert fingers into my vagina when I masturbate. I know I should really start a new topic but I have been having similar problems to LondonBlue and everytime I go to use 3 fingers it just doesn't work.
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LondonBlue
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Thanks, TehGrrl! [Smile] Actually, like smokey, I usually don't insert my fingers when I masturbate, but just recently I found my G-spot and learned how enjoyable vaginal stimulation can be...so maybe I should try to do that every time, instead of just once in a while, and add more fingers as I get used to it.

PS: If anyone else has ideas, they'll be greatly appreciated! I don't think there's one single solution to this problem...thanks [Smile]

[ 10-19-2008, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: LondonBlue ]

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September
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This article offers a good overview over all the possible reasons for painful penetration:
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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LondonBlue
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Thank you--I have read that article before and it's been quite helpful, but I'm already plenty aroused and using plenty of lube, my boyfriend is very gentle and communicative, and I don't have any psychological reservations about sex. So I was hoping for some advice for when the "use more lube" type answer doesn't seem to help. [Smile]
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-Lauren-
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I'm kinda a self-proclaimed non-degree "expert" in this area, as I have a sexual pain disorder and went through pretty much the whole shebang.

You say tampons/fingers don't burn. How about touching the area? Any sensitivity from pressure around the vaginal opening, without penetration?

I promise, promise, promise you; you're no smaller than anyone else down there. All women's bodies are built to birth babies, which are roughly the same size. If a doctor gave that as a "diagnosis".. well, I'm stunned.

Since you've gotten a physical exam, I assume the hymen is no problem. Would you describe the entrance as feeling like a "wall" when you hit a set limit, no matter how lax and lubricated you feel?

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LondonBlue
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No, touching around it doesn't hurt at all, and I've started to enjoy fingering myself as part of masturbation, so as long as it's only 1 or 2 of my (skinny) fingers, it's totally fine.

And no, it doesn't feel like a "wall," but a lot of websites seem to think it should. I didn't really ask if my boyfriend felt a "wall," so maybe he did, but it's more like there's an unyielding ring of muscle right at the entrance, while the inner canal part is totally loosened up and excited for penis.

Also, thanks for the reassurance on the size; I'm pretty sure I'm totally normal, except that maybe that outer muscle is too tight or something. I doubt it's my hymen, because when I got my exam down there, that part didn't really hurt as much as the inside (I guess because I was definitely not aroused, lol).

[Smile]

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-Lauren-
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Okie doke. [Smile]

Sounds like there's nothing really wrong. Not to invalidate you, I know it sucks, but you don't really have any signs of anything that would make avoiding intercourse/being treated imperative.

I would suggest, though, backing up from intercourse. Maybe try masturbating more on your own, and gradually increasing the size of (safe!) objects as you're comfortable, as suggested above. You can also practice kegel exercises, which teach you to control those muscles. One helpful tip from me is to push "out" like you're urinating when you insert something, and keep deep steady breaths. Urination naturally relaxes the PC muscle, so that should help with the tenseness.

I'd also suggest, if you haven't already, moving on to receptive manual sex from your partner before attempting intercourse, once you're comfortable and feel you can control your PC muscles better. It could be you're so used to you prodding around, that all the sudden a penis/other person wielding it is a bit much at first. [Smile]

Don't try dilators unless you've been diagnosed with something requiring them. They're expensive, and IMO way too uncomfortable (yay, unwieldingly hard plastic!) to provide the goal of teaching the vaginal muscles to not expect pain.

[ 10-20-2008, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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LondonBlue
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Thanks so much for your advice. I really don't think I have a serious medical problem, but I feel better hearing somebody else reaffirm that. I will try all your suggestions and hopefully it'll get better! [Smile]
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photographychic
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Hello. Um.. i wasnt too sure which catagorie to put this topic under, but can some one tell me , where the "cherry" or hymen, is located inside the vagina.
I think my boyfriend may have "popped" mine. All signs from this site point to yes. Im just not positive as to where in my vagina it is, and i would like to know, if not what else could it be?
An injruy? I doubt it, we werent going very hard, Ive had harder, and rougher.
An infection? Unlikely. Im clean and he was a virgin before me, and we wore a condom.
I did however just get off my period, yeasturday, and this happened this morning. And through the whole day Ive been bleeding, VERY VERY VERY VERY slowly, things are kinda of sore, and its not old menstruation blood(ive seen it enough to know), its fresh blood :S.
So.. im confused as to whether or not its my cherry, because i didnt really feel anything. Except it hurt/was tough when he was going in, so.. I need to know where it is/was located.
Thanks a bunch. Tata, xo

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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(Can I just say it's okay for girls not to be interested in masturbating, just as much as it's okay for the opposite?)

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xgoldenaire
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I'm not sure if this issue has been solved or not for the OP, and I'm hoping it is but I thought I'd just put my own personal experiences in.

I actually went through most of the trouble the OP went through, and it took me and the BF several tries before we could actually successfully have sex. You might want to try being on top? I found I had much better control and I could figure out how far I wanted to go.

And I feel you on the pediatric speculum, my doctor had to use one on me too.

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LondonBlue
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Thanks [Smile] yeah, we're still trying...we've managed to get him in about 1.5 inches now, but the angle was wrong, so he kind of abraded me and I bled. ow.

The angle is actually really difficult, because he has trouble bending his penis too far away from his stomach, and my vagina has a pretty awkward angle of entry, so we're trying some pretty interesting things, but nothing works so far...sigh. Still trying, though!

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girld89
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LondonBlue you could actually BE me, im in the exact same situation! Even went to the doc there bout 2 weeks ago to make sure everything was 'normal' down there and it is, embarressing and all as it is her finger was the first thing that was ever n my vagina as I could never even use tampons! since then my bf has been able to put one (bt ONLY one!) finger inside and it feels good and like you said it feels like theres room inside my vagina bt not at the opening! He's very wide and im unnaturally small...gotta keep tryin too I guess!

Anything you find works for you would be greatly appreciated if you could post it here!!

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LondonBlue
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I will be sure to post if I figure anything out...but let me say that lube is so my friend. I never really noticed it before, because I never tried to put anything too huge in there, but I can tell immediately if he doesn't have enough lube on his fingers or whatever, because it burns (I had never felt that "burning" before). So if it feels like it burns, definitely try more and more lube...way more than you think you need. You can always back off on the lube once you're more used to everything. [Razz]

Anyway, yeah...again, I didn't realize it before we started trying to have sex, but he is actually pretty large. He was always complaining that he wasn't big enough, but he's about 6.5" long and quite girthy (we don't have a flexy measuring tape, so I don't know his circumference, but from what I've seen in pictures, he's on the above-average side there). Now he definitely doesn't complain about that anymore, because his size has made this all the more difficult, haha.

At least it's fun to keep trying, even when it doesn't work. Thanks for the renewed interest in this thread [Smile]

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