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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Reciprocity.. backwards?

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Author Topic: Reciprocity.. backwards?
Member # 38761

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My boyfriend wanted to have oral sex, so I gave it to him, I was curious about it too. But when he wanted to give it to me, I wasn't interested. I don't know why this is. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with him putting his mouth down there. What can I tell him so that he doesn't think there's something wrong with him?

The garden was a poem with a broken frame.

Posts: 9 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38774

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just tell him that you would be give it to him, but you just arent ready for him to give it to you. he should understand. [Smile]
Posts: 8 | From: california | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38279

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It's ok, it's taken me a long time to be comfortable with someone giving me oral, and even sometimes I get skitty about it and have to tell my boyfriend 'look, just not tonight'.

You need to talk to him about it, and explain that you're just not ready. Explain that this is just not something you're comefortable with, and that maybe in the future you will be.

If he tries to force you into letting him, then you need to stabnd your ground, remember you shouldn't be pressured into anything.

Take care =D

Chin up darling - knock yourself out!

Posts: 26 | From: London, UK | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 33665

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Also keep in mind that reciprocity doesn't necessarily mean "I perform x sexual act on you so you perform that same act on me in return" (unless that's what both of you want). Say one night I give my (imaginary) partner a handjob and he orgasms from it, so he wants to do something for me to bring me to orgasm. Well, maybe that night I just don't feel like being fingered, but instead would prefer to just kiss for an extended period of time. Let's even suppose that I enjoy giving my partner a handjob so much that I orgasm just from giving that activity. So we both end up satisfied.

Also, it's not so great to think about sex as being something that's performed on one person by another and that then has to be returned somehow to the original person. Sex should be a shared experience that both (or more) people enjoy and find rewarding, not that one person hates or is only doing because they want the same done to them. The whole "do unto others as you wish to be done to yourself" (or however it goes; I barely passed my bible class) really doesn't apply with sex. All people involved should only be doing what they enjoy and are comfortable with, not what they think will bring them bargaining chips (because sex is not something that you should use to barter with or bargain with; it should be something which you enjoy and which brings physical and emotional satisfaction to all parties involved). It might also help to take a look at the following really great article we have on reciprocity.
Reciprocity, Reloaded

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35773

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Just explain to him that the idea of receiving oral sex just isn't that appealing to you at this point in time, and that while you may change your mind in the future, you're perfectly happy just giving him oral sex right now. And also perhaps mention some other sexual things that you do enjoy and/or would like to try and talk to him about that.

Sex shouldn't really be a "if you do it to me, I'll do it to you" kind of thing. Any sexual activity should only be done because both people want to do it, and you giving your boyfriend a blowjob shouldn't mean that he feels he needs to "pay you back" by performing oral sex on you. He should only perform oral sex on you if he wants to because it's something he wants to experience, and if you want him to.

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
-Oscar Wilde

Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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