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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Telling my mother

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Author Topic: Telling my mother
silvergumwrapper
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My boyfriend and I have been discussing having sex for a while now (we've been dating well over a year and half), and have decided we're ready. However, practicalities remain, specifically prescription birth control. (Simply condoms won't cut it for me.) After a lot of discussion, I've decided I'm more comfortable telling my mother and getting her help in procuring said contraceptives than going to Planned Parenthood or the like. I'm fully expecting this to be an awkward conversation, but I would like to segue into it as gracefully as possible.

(My boyfriend said he'd be there during the conversation if I like, but I'm not sure that that would make it better... it's quite nice he offered, though.)

How should I go about doing this? If other users have been in my situation, I would really value your stories. Otherwise, just some suggestions for starting the topic would be great.

A brief background: my mother and I are fairly close, but she was raised in a very conservative (sexuality-wise) atmosphere. However, I suspect she may already assume my boyfriend and I are having sex, which makes my nervousness about talking to her somewhat unnecessary. Ah, well.

Advice, please!

Posts: 3 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
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Hi silvergumwrapper! Welcome to Scarleteen.

First off, good on you for being so proactive about safe sex! That's really good to see. [Smile]

Depending how comfortable you are, you could be very blunt and just say something like: Mom, you know that ___ and I have been going out for a while now, and we think we're ready to have sex. I want everything to be very safe, and would like your help in getting birth control.

Or, if you're nervous about doing this face to face, you could write her a note or an e-mail instead.

Regardless, she will probably be happy that you're being so responsible, and that you're trusting her enough to be honest and come to her for help.

Good luck!

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Vero
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lightmyfire
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I was in a really similar situation a little while ago.

Basically what I said was, "Hey mom, I was wondering if you could set me up a GYN appointment soon. It's beyond time that I should have gone, and I've also been thinking that maybe I should get started on birth control. I'm not having sex yet, and might not for some time, but I'd rather be prepared in case something happened."

Of course, talking about this with my mom might've been a little bit easier because she got pregnant at 17 and has the attitude that she knows she can't expect me to be completely celibate, but she wants me to be smart and responsible about what I do.

In any case, if you haven't gone to the GYN yet, start off by asking if she could set up an appointment for you, since that's always a good idea anyway before being sexually active. =D

Posts: 25 | From: VA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergumwrapper
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Thanks for your help everyone.

I talked to her earlier today. It was... I'm actually not sure at this point how it went. She did agree to help me get birth control, and also agreed that I should have been going to a gynecologist before in any case. She just seemed... disappointed. She thinks that it's a big step that I'm not ready to take. I really and truly believe it's a step I am ready to take, or at the very least am ready to be prepared to take. She kept insisting that my boyfriend and I are just too young. (He's 18 and I'm 17.)

I guess the main problem is that in many ways, she's naive. She waited until she was in her late 20s to have sex, and it was with someone she thought she was going to marry. In fact, she kept saying, "If I thought you were going to marry him, it would be different... not that I think you should wait until marriage, but... I don't know how I feel." She was raised in such a sexually conservative environment, and I don't believe she's aware of how young many people who have sex are.

(Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend and I are not planning to have sex because we think we "should" due to our age. We think it's because our relationship has matured to the point that this is something we want.)

What can I do to make her feel better? I know that the moment I walk out of that clinic protected, she will feel uncomfortable about my relationship. I asked her specifically that. "If this happens, will you feel uncomfortable whenever he and I are alone together?" and she replied, "I certainly won't feel good about it." What can I say? I just wish she were more supportive of my decision, in a deeper way than just purchasing the BC.

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lightmyfire
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=/

I'm sorry about that.

I think maybe you shouldn't push the issue right now. It's probably a lot for her to take in and she'll need to process it a bit.

But maybe you should let her know that you'd like to talk to her about it more if she would like to, because it's important that she understands how you feel and that this isn't a point at which to stop trusting you, but to trust you more because you took the initiative and responsibility to come to her instead of doing things behind her back and putting yourself at risk for pregnancy and STIs.

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lightmyfire
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I also think you should stress that you and your boyfriend have been together for a long time and have discussed it extensively, that it isn't just a decision that was made on a whim or because you're so hormonal you can't stand it or something.
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-Firefly-
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Just to add to that, maybe you and your mother could go over our Sex Readiness Checklist together. It may show her that you take this seriously, and you're not just having sex for the heck of it.

Also, it may be that your mother isn't actually disappointed. She may just need a little bit of time to get used to the idea that you're growing up, and that you're not her baby anymore.

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Vero
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Geek in the Pink
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odd, I'm in the exact same situation. I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and we're the same ages as you guys are. I brought up birth control with my mom today and she seems a little disappointed in me too. She didn't even have sex until she was married. She agreed to get it for me but I feel bad about upsetting her and doubt she'll start letting my boyfriend and I stay home alone. I don't really have any pointers but I wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat.

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<3

Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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