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Author Topic: question for all..
Live_Laugh_Love
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I know I just posted something similar to this, but I was curious as to what others think on the matter...

Are there any girls out there (with boyfriends) who sometimes don't feel any sexual desire toward them? Maybe not all the time, but some times. Does it bother you to feel nothing or do you consider it normal?

Just curious...thanks!

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:)

Posts: 49 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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do you mean that we're either not horny all the time? or that we just aren't attracted to them in general?

i've dated a few guys who were really great. nice, funny, witty, cute, sweet, smart, had money and drove nice cars. they sounded great when i described them, and i liked to be around them, but when it came to attraction, i wasn't feeling it. it happens. you move on till you find someone you actually are into.

as for the other clause, no, I don't feel hot and bothered for my partners (past and present) all the time. if I did, we'd probably never have time to do things like watch movies or go to restaurants. we'd just be rolling around in bed all day. while that may sound fun, it's really MORE fun to have other stuff to base your relationship on.

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Live_Laugh_Love
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Yeah I mean that you don't feel all "hot and bothered" all the time. I mean I know it's good and normal to do things other than fool around, but I seem to go through phases where I have no desire at all, almost like a married couple losing the "passion" after a while (we have been together 5 and a half years, after all)...

I've sometimes considered that maybe the chemistry just isn't there anymore, but it's hard for me to know for sure because he's really my first and only serious relationship..which was probably a mistake from the beginning..

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:)

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gubblebum
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quote:
Originally posted by Live_Laugh_Love:
I've sometimes considered that maybe the chemistry just isn't there anymore, but it's hard for me to know for sure because he's really my first and only serious relationship..which was probably a mistake from the beginning..

Since you mention that you're thinking that it might be a mistake, maybe you're not feeling into him because mentally you're not sure how much you are into him. Desire isn't only physical, it's also mental.
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orca
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I actually had the same thing going on with my exboyfriend. I spoke to a counselor about it and she asked me a really good question: Do I feel unattracted to other people too, or do I feel attracted to other people at all? She said that if I was attracted or had any sexual or other thoughts about another person, then the problem wasn't with me having a low sex drive or no sex drive, but the problem was with the relationship and how I felt in it, that if I truly had a low sex drive or no sex drive then I wouldn't think about anyone sexually or otherwise at all. Does this ring true at all for you?

Although, there certainly are periods in relationships and even just in ourselves when we aren't desiring any kind of sexual activity. That can be normal and just a part of your emotional cycle. Since you hint about the relationship being a mistake though, perhaps you should look into why you don't feel any desire towards him. How does he treat you? Are you stressed out at work or school? Is there anything going on that could cause you to be unhappy? How is your self esteem? If your self esteem is low, what is contributing to this, outside forces or internal forces? When you have sex with him, how does it feel to you? Are you always willingly having sex with him? Sorry if I'm way off base here.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Live_Laugh_Love
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Well, I should probably restate what I said about the relationship being a mistake...it might have come out wrong. I love him and he's great to me. The only concern I have is that he is my first and only real relationship, and as great as it's been, I haven't had many experiences with relationships, and therefore, don't really know what I should be feeling or "doing."
In response to the question about being attracted to others...I wouldn't say that I'm attracted to anyone else, but I have seen random guys out and about and thought they were cute. But I think everyone does that. Nothing beyond that though.
Lastly, we aren't having sex. But, it's my decision for myself and not because I don't want to have sex with him. If I were with anyone else I would still not be having sex. (I'm going to wait until I get the HPV vaccine series). He treats me great; he's my best friend and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me...as a matter of fact we've never even had one serious argument in over 5 years of being together..I do feel stressed a lot, especially recently since I jsut had to move away for college and I'm in a completely different atmosphere than what I was in in my hometown. I have also been recently going through phases of low self-esteem regarding my looks...I do this occasionally. So it's an internal force...
Thanks for your input..I'm just really confused as to what's going on.

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:)

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orca
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Sorry about all the sex questions then. [Smile]
It does sound like a lot of changes are going on in your life right now and that you've been pretty busy lately. Honestly, when I'm really busy, I just don't have time to think about sex or whether I'm attracted to my SO or whatever. I think it's definitely a good idea to explore these feelings though and why you are having them or not having them. You may just come to the conclusion that everything is ok and you've just had other things on your mind.

I definitely understand the low self-esteem part (hey, we've all been there at some point! [Smile] ), especially when you are just starting college and are out of your old atmosphere, everything feels so new and it's hard to be sure of yourself and your looks. I think that's pretty normal when you are going into a new environment. If it becomes a major issue for you, though, you might want to visit your college's counselors. It's free to see them and I've found that they can really help.

In regards to not knowing what you should be feeling or doing in the relationship, just remember that every relationship is going to be different. If you ask other people what's normal in their relationships, you're probably going to end up with a lot of different answers, and, unless they reflect an abusive dynamic, none of them are going to be wrong answers, just ones that work for them but maybe not you and your relationship. Also, having many relationships doesn't always mean you know what to do and not do in a relationship, just as having few relationships doesn't mean you don't know what to do or not do in a relationship or that you are doing anything wrong.
Does that help any?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Live_Laugh_Love
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Yeah that does help..thank you!
I feel better. While I still don't know yet if I can definitely say it's lack of chemistry, I can at least see that there are lots of things going on in my life right now that might be distracting me. I do think it has something to do with all the changes that have been going on lately..and are probably really affecting me since I tend not to adjust to "negative" changes very well...

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:)

Posts: 49 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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