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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Did he abuse me?

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Author Topic: Did he abuse me?
7XXAshleyXX7
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Hi everyone. So, me and my boyfriend were having anal sex, and it started hurting a little bit, so I asked him to stop. But he wouldnt. I kept asking him, and after like another minute and a half, after he came in me, then he stopped. I kept asking him to stop, but he didn't. Did he abuse me?
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Heather
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When you say no to sex at ANY point with a partner, they need to stop.

When they hear you, know they need to stop and choose not to because they want to tend to their own pleasure and needs and ignore your pain and needs, that is rape.

And rape is absolutely an abuse.

Just to make clear, too, someone who rapes is NOT a safe person to be around, even if they were safe as far as you could tell before this. You do not want to put yourself in a sexual situation with this person again.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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7XXAshleyXX7
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So that is really considered rape? I just thought it was abuse....or just a guy being a guy...or something like that.
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7XXAshleyXX7
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I think he does deserve to feel good though.
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Heather
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Not at someone else's expense and through someone else's pain he doesn't.

Rape is a criminal act, and it has very tangible emotional and physical consequences for those victimized by it. Sexual abuse in a relationship causes pretty deep wounds over time.

There's a reason it's a crime: it harms the people being raped. And if someone cannot find a way to feel good that is not at someone's else's expense, that peron need to not be in those situations with other people until they figure out how to do that, as plenty of people do.

Do you think he would say that YOU would deserve to feel good if it was YOU giving him anal sex, which was hurting him, and when he said to stop, you kept on? Doubtful.

And no, this is NOT "just being a guy." It is not somehow male to do people harm or to not give a damn about the pain someone is in when you're having sex with them. Are most rapists male? Yes. Are most men rapists? No, and a great many would really resent the implication that to be male or masculine, to "be a guy" raping a partner -- and yes, that's what that was -- is part of their sex or gender.

It is considered BOTH rape and abuse: rape is the abuse at hand here. And there is no "just" abuse: abuses are serious infractions, and they're called what they are because they're not okay and do people very real harm.

(Even to the dgree that someday, even just this tiny moment here of you saying he deserves to feel good may make you feel really crummy about yourself: it's very normal for victimized people to defend those who abuse them at first, but later on, when they start to get it, to even feel crummy just about doing that, about saying that it is or was somehow okay for someone else to abuse you.)

So, what can we do for you here in terms of this? Let us know: we'll do our best.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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7XXAshleyXX7
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I talked to him about it and he said it wont happen again and that he was sorry and that I dont need to tell anyone about it. Should i?

[ 07-17-2007, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: 7XXAshleyXX7 ]

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Gwaihir
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I highly doubt he is sorry. That bit about him telling you that you "don't need to tell anyone about it" sends up a huge red flag here. He obviously knew he did something wrong, has no intention of fixing it and doesn't want to get in trouble for it. I would strongly recommend reporting the rape, or at the least kicking this guy to the curb.
YOU deserve much better than him and he doesn't deserve any woman.

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7XXAshleyXX7
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Well...I broke up with him. It didn't go well. I told him we were breaking up....then he started "crying". So I gave him a hug...but when I hugged him he grabbed my breast and then put his other hand down my skirt and into my vagina. I screamed and he pulled my skirt off, and then I ran away. Now ive sat in my room for an hour crying, and im going to call the police. I feel so bad now...and now im scared of him. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?!
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KittenGoddess
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Call the police, immediately. They'll be able to help you and provide you with protection.

I know this is scary, but you did the right thing by breaking this off. Do you have a close friend or someone that you can call to help you get through this?

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Sarah Liz

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7XXAshleyXX7
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yes
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KittenGoddess
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*hugs*

Call someone who can help you and call the police. The sooner you can talk to someone, the sooner they can help you get into a safe situation.

I'll be online for another hour or so too, ok? So if there's anything you want to talk about here, we'll help you as best we can. I'll also toss out a note to the other staff to keep an eye out too.

[ 07-17-2007, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

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Sarah Liz

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7XXAshleyXX7
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this. Am I going to be okay? I feel llike crap.... I am going to run over to my friends house to talk to her.
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-Lauren-
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You'll be okay, Ashley. Just focus on getting yourself safe and rallying some support, and it'll make this a whole lot easier.

Good for you for making the decision to call the police! Hopefully, your bravery will discourage him from doing this to others.

*offers hugs as well*

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KittenGoddess
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While I know that it probably doesn't feel like it right now, things are going to get better. You've done the right thing, without a doubt.

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Sarah Liz

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Gwaihir
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Ack! Frankly I'm not surprised he pulled something like that, but that's a horrible thing to have happen to you. Good on you for breaking things off with him and calling the police!
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7XXAshleyXX7
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I'm really scared to go to sleep tongight....what do i do!??!?!? i'm so scared..
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Gwaihir
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Is there a family member or a friend you can stay the night with? That's probably the best option, but if worse comes to worse, I think you can call the police and ask for help in finding a shelter if you're feeling scared.
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Beppie
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Also, if you need someone to talk to you, you could call the National Sexual Assualt hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

This is free and confidential, and it might just help to have a sympathetic voice in your ear.

You've done really well Ashley.

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KittenGoddess
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Ashley,

Hope things are looking up this morning. Know that we're all here and are thinking of you and sending lots of positive energy your direction!

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Sarah Liz

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7XXAshleyXX7
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I slept over at one of my guy friends house. I've known him since 3rd grade, so I trust him completely. I felt a lot better sleeping next to him than at my house, thanks for the suggestion. [Frown] I still feel like crap.
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September
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I'm glad to hear that you found a safe place to stay.

It's normal to feel pretty crappy, with what you've been through. But you've done a very brave thing, and you're doing what you can to injure your safety. Have you looked into your options for counseling? Have you talked to the police yet? If so, have they offered counseling services to you? You should really find someone to talk to about this, either way. The sooner you get help, the sooner you'll start to process this and feel better.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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