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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Asking to eat her out...

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Author Topic: Asking to eat her out...
Talented_Tongue
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Ok, i have a very good female friend. We're not dating and probably never will date because a) we've both been lousy in past relationships and b) we're too close and the risk is just not worth it.

However, that has not stopped us from becoming "cuddle buddies." We never do anything beyond spooning, cuddling, or casual kissing while watching a movie or sumthin. She means the world to me and is always there when I need her. I feel like I owe her so much.

I wanna eat her out. I wanna give her the ultimate gift, an orgasm. We both believe that fooling around is ok but sex should be saved for marriage. I really know what I'm doing and I certainly do not expect her to return the favor. **** diving is kinda my speciality. I just don't know how to approach her about this. I really don't know how to tell her that I wanna do this and why. I really don't know how to ask her if it's ok. I don't plan on this leading to anything else. It is simply my gift to her and i hope it will make our undying even stronger. How do I convince her of my intentions? how do I get into her pants for simply her own benefit? What do I say?

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If you're against Oral Sex than quite simply keep your mouth shut!

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cool87
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Hey, welcome to Scarleteen ! [Smile]

I'm not so sure what you're asking here to be honest.

You said you want to perform oral sex on her and bring her to orgasm but yet said that sex should be something saved for marriage. Oral sex is sex so unless you meant intercourse by sex I gotta say I'm confused.

[ 04-28-2007, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Talented_Tongue
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Sorry, i should've specified. I did mean sexual intercourse. Like I said, I believe fooling around is ok. Sorry, didn't mean to pull a Bill Clinton there.

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If you're against Oral Sex than quite simply keep your mouth shut!

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cool87
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No problem really. You're forgiven. [Smile]

Honesty is the way to go really when it comes to relationship particularly. So I suggest you are honest with her and that you therefore tell her how you feel or ask her how she feels about that.

For example you can ask her something like : ''Hey. Have you ever thought about us two engaging in oral sex ? Is that something you'd be interested in ?'' or you can be more upfront and simply tell her that lately you've been thinking that performing oral sex on her could be cool and ask her if that's something she'd also be interested in.

(Just as a tiny little note if I may for next time. It's totally okay for this time, no worries. It is just easier to post a thread at only ONE place on the board, not multiple places. It won't make you get help any faster and is just more confusing for all people here on the board. [Smile] )

[ 04-28-2007, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Cashmere
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I'm trying not to get stuck on the phrase 'for her own benefit' since it sounds kind of condescending—if you *are* going to propose this to her I would avoid using that kind of language 'cause it makes it sound like you know best and she has no say. Some people don't see sex as such a platonic thing, and I know I sometimes have trouble orgasming if I don't have feelings for that person. I don't know if it's a good idea in the first place, but you probably know her better than I. I just think that it may freak her out more than it will flatter her, because it may make her think that "oh no, he wants a sexual relationship" and feel pressured either way. If you're going through with asking, I'd say to emphasize that you don't want or need reciprocation, and be ready to take no for an answer. She may associate sex (and messing around) with romantic feelings and not want to complicate what you have now.
I think the best way to go about it is to outline (in your head, on paper, whatever) why you want to do this for her, and how you don't want your relationship to change/your expectations and lack thereof. Edit, think it over, and say it. Remember to include the fact that if she's uncomfortable, you will back off and it won't come up again. 'Cause otherwise you run the risk of her being freaked out and changing the dynamic of your friendship.

(Sorry if this is discombobulated, I'm not thinking very well today.)

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Heather
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Also?

quote:
how do I get into her pants for simply her own benefit?
This very clearly is NOT just for her, since it's you who has a vested interest in doing it, you know? Look even at that language, babe: it's all but wearing Napoleon's hat. [Razz]

That's by no means to say there is anything wrong with you ALSO wanting to do this, but it is disengenious to make it appear to be all about her when for right now, it's apparently all about you, and also pretty sketchy to try and think of ways to get her to "let" you do something that YOU want to do, rather than to instead, come to something like this simply knowing you have interest in it, with the idea of finding out if she shares that interest.

One other comment? Really, none of us can be experts at any given activity, since every partner we have will have different preferences, different areas of sensitivity and respond in different ways. So, often, coming to any sexual activity with that "my speciality" approach can be a real buzzkill for one or both partners.

(I recall very well, too, one of the last times I had a partner who came to a given activity having invested a lot of self-worth in being an "expert" at that activity and then had this minor wig-put when, lo and behold, not only did I not respond with elation to a certain aspect of that because it did nada for me, I even asked that he please not do that particular set of movements again, since it felt THAT not-good. Boy, was that a not-fun romp.)

So, rather than come to this wanting to do X activity, since it seems clearly that it would mean a bit of a change in your existing relationship, why not instead start talking about if she wants to change the relationship to include more sexual activities, and take it from there?

And yeah: oral sex is sex. But I think you know that. [Smile]

[ 04-28-2007, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Talented_Tongue
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It's become obvious with the past couple replies that I need to reword a few things.

Ok, maybe instead of "benefit" I should say "pleasure." That's a better way to say what I really meant. As far as benefit does go, yes I do have a bit of a self-satisfying motive. Seeing her so pleased would mean the world to me! If I can do it right, I just know it will bring us closer. So, if you wanna get technical, I guess there is a lot in it for me. But is it really so long to wanna give a gift to someone I love so much? (yes, I do LOVE her. I don't throw words around like that lightly.) Even if that gift is a sexual favor?

I'm not an expert. I don't claim to be an expert. However, I do feel confident. if nothing else, I know how to listen. we're close enough that she would tell me anything I was doing right or wrong. I plan on having her talk through it cause I really do want it to be as enjoyable as possible. Like I said, I know what to do once we get to that point, I just don't know how to get to that point. I just need to know how to ask...


Sorry, i don't mean to sound arrogant or self-serving in any of these posts. I really assure you that I have the best intentions!

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If you're against Oral Sex than quite simply keep your mouth shut!

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cool87
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quote:
If I can do it right, I just know it will bring us closer.
It's something I think you can't be 100 % sure of in advance. Sex doesn't always bring people closer. I think it just add you even more pressure here to ''perform'' right, don't you think so ?

And if she is not interested in oral sex or a sexual relationship right now, then for sure it is even less likely to bring you both closer.

[ 04-28-2007, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Like I said, there is hardly anything WRONG with mutual pleasure: I guess where I'm getting confused here is that it's sounding like you're feeling the need to deny your OWN pleasure in this, and that every sexual activity both partners engage in IS mutual, not a "gift" one gives to the other without personal benefit.

And that kind of denial of that mutuality and of your own personal wants to do this, and what you want from it, does tend to always send up flags, because a lot of the time when you hear strong denials like that, it indicates that the "giver" not only isn't thinking mutually, but IS only or solely thinking of themselves (or, conversely, is dissociating themselves from sex in some way).

So, can we agree that this isn't a "gift" you want to give, but something you want to be HALF of? Rather than this somehow being some oddly selfless act? It'd help.

That said, my last advice stands: rather than having your heart set right now on some specific activity she may not even have interest in doing, or doing with you, why not take smaller steps by first opening the door to just discuss if both of you wants what you have now to be more than friendship and cuddling?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Talented_Tongue
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hmm,,,I see what you mean. I guess my next question should be, is it even worth an ask than?

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If you're against Oral Sex than quite simply keep your mouth shut!

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Heather
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And ditto to cool87's remark: we can NEVER predict what result or impact engaging in a given sexual activity -- or any kind of sex -- will bring with another person.

In some relationships, for various reasons -- even when someone is technically "doing" things right -- sex can put a wedge between two people, or make one or both want more space apart.

So, in having this discussion about expanding the relationship, it's sage to be sure to also talk about both expectations, and about how both of you think you might deal if it doesn't result in closeness, or in the opposite, because otherwise, you're being unrealistic.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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Why wouldn't it be worth an ask ? You said you were really interested in your relationship including sexual activities such as oral sex, so I don't know why it wouldn't be a subject worth discussing with her and ask her opinion about.

If you want something, then you gotta do something about it right ? It's YOU right now who seems interested in having some changes in your relationship, so I think it would be worth YOU take the first steps unless you prefer waiting and don't mind not knowing right now how she feels about that.

It's all about asking yourself whether or not this is something you really want.

[ 04-28-2007, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Talented_Tongue
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Ok, lemme see if I can sum it all up based on what Heather and cool87 are saying:

-I should approach her with my interest and we should discuss it.

-During said discussion i should NOT deny my own desires and expectations make it seem like I'm doing it strictly for her.

-Disuss the possible risks of expanding into such territory.

-Discuss all possible outcomes including the possibility of neither of us getting turned on or oral sex just making things too complicated.

That seems to be my overall interpretation of the past few posts from you two. Am I anywhere near right or did I misinterpret something? Did I miss any important points?

Thanks for all your help.

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If you're against Oral Sex than quite simply keep your mouth shut!

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Heather
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Yeah, I think you have missed something.

Mainly, that I think it'd be a good idea for both of you if you weren't so stuck on this ONE activity, and instead, on the bigger picture: does she want to yet discuss doing ANYTHING beyond cuddling and friendship right now, or not?

Otherwise? yeah, I think you've got it. I just think it might be worth your while to fixate on this particular activity less (and we'd say that no matter the given sexual activity someone seemed to be hyperfocused on) and on the more general issue, and whatever you BOTH might have mutual interests in pursuing/doing, if you do.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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I don't have anything to add to what Heather said. Pretty much resume how I felt about this too. I think that being more general at first and not getting straight to that particular sex activity is a great idea. [Smile]

And I think it could be something easier to bring up to her too. It's less straightfoward than asking her about oral sex right at first no ?

[ 04-28-2007, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Talented_Tongue
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Alrighty, well thanks for all your help!

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If you're against Oral Sex than quite simply keep your mouth shut!

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cool87
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No problem ! De nada (credits go to Heather for those two words btw [Wink] )!
Hope everything works fine for you both.

[ 04-28-2007, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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