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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » guy up for wearing a condom during oral sex ?

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Author Topic: guy up for wearing a condom during oral sex ?
cool87
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I just wanna know something. The lasts guys I've been with, they were kinda not so much for wearing a condom during oral sex. They told me they would like it better without a condom since it decreases sensations.

But I felt safer with them wearing a condom so I asked for one, but they just seemed to think I was coming from another planet or so because I asked that from them. Some were tested for STDs, but I felt safer with them wearing a condom even though.

So I don't really know how to act when faced with that situation. It happened with almost every guy I dated, so it's not just one only. I try to explain to them but they don't seem to get me.

[ 04-20-2007, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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One of the best tips I can give anyone when it comes to safer sex, especially with new partners, is that you simply don't make it a question. Ever.

For instance, if you're about to engage in fellatio, you just take a condom out of your bag or whatever, open it up, and start rolling it on. I can guarantee you that nine times out of ten, no one will even ASK you about it: really -- they don't. If they DO, a simple, "I'm putting a condom on so we can do oral sex -- you're not latex allergic, are you? I think I have a polyurethane condom here handy if you are..." combined with a "well, DUH!" expression on your face will take care of that.

And don't put yourself in the position of having to ask for condoms: if you know you're likely to be sexually active, keep some condoms with you at all times: don't let it be up to someone else: take responsibility for it yourself, and that's one more way to be assertive.

Ten bucks says these guys had never even HAD oral sex with a condom before and said what they did, completely convinced you'd say okay. Some of that is likely just about them wanting to be the ones in control, some of it may well be due to them just not knowing any better.

But in either case, you know it isn't a question for you, you know it's non-negotiable, so there's no sense in approaching it like it is.

Obviously, when all else fails, the simple answer is "it's this or nothing," but truthfully, if you have some guy arguing with you about condom use for what you want it for at any point, that's probably not a good person to be in bed with, period.

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LFH
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Exactly what Heather said. If he's not willing to wear a condom, then no oral sex for him. When faced with an ultimatum like that, I don't know a single guy who would refuse oral.

This is also where flavoured condoms/lube can be fun (for you, I mean). Latex doesn't have the best taste in the world, so having something that tastes better is always nice.

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cool87
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quote:
"I'm putting a condom on so we can do oral sex -- you're not latex allergic, are you? I think I have a polyurethane condom here handy if you are..." combined with a "well, DUH!" expression on your face will take care of that.
But just something I'm wondering, I just fear they'll think I'm like this so-experienced-girl-who-knows-lots-of-things-when-it-comes-to-sex and expects more from me sexually ? I just hate it when people associate people who have some knowledges like that sexually with the fact that they are necessarily experienced--as in have had lots of sex-- in that field. It's not like the only way to have sexual knowledge is to actually get it through experience. I just am tired of that. So if you have another trick for that Heather too, can you pass it to me please ? It could be highly useful. You seem to have really good tricks. [Smile]

Generally, I am not the girl in control so it's a bit weird to act like that. But at the same time it's for my own good and maybe it will make me more at ease with time too to reverse the roles for a bit.

(Some guys just weren't cool at all. They were marchanding me and telling me that if I made them wear a condom, then they'll make me wear a dental dam : as if I would be bothered by that [Smile] They just tried to make me change my mind I guess.)

[ 04-20-2007, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Well, sugar, if you're going to healthfully, happily be having any kind of sex with other people, then you have GOT to be the girl in control.

That isn't the same as The Girl In Control of Everything and Everyone, mind -- but you at least have to be in control of your own stuff, driving the car just as much as the other person, and being assertive per what you know your limits and boundaries are is a big part of that.

So again, if you don't feel able to be assertive in that way yet, that's okay, but it also means it's probably a good idea to hold off on sex until that does feel comfortable.

And you know, anyone who is going to assume things about you rather than, you know, asking you, since you're right there isn't someone to be having sex with. might people assume that? yes. Might they not? Equally yes. But most of the time, you just can't control people's assumptions, and they're not based on anything but them.

Again, if you're being assertive about your limits and boundaries and your wants, it doesn't much matter what people assume you MIGHT want, because you're going to be letting them know what you DO.

But let's look even just at what I know about your own history here: you've most often been seriously UNassertive, and your partners have pushed their wants on you, and decided their wants rule all regardless. So, setting aside the fact that it'd be darn silly not to do what works to be safe, no matter what someone thought about it, what you've been doing up until now hasn't netted desired results, either, eh?

(And yeah: if you had some guys trying to play weird manipulative games because you asked to be safe, those are the guys where you pack up your bag, put on your coat, walk out the door and you don't see them again, period.)

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I may as well add, in the spirit of frankness, that when I have been the sort of assertive about safer sex that I am telling you about, I have literally, never ONCE -- not once, in lord knows how many years and partners -- had someone balk. Ever.

Mind, I do tend to read as authoritative to people, and my body language is generally pretty loud and clear about the fact that I am not about to let anyone walk over my boundaries or bypass what I need to be safe. And I also am really comfortable with this stuff, so the spirit it's done in is the same spirit in which I'm giving someone a kiss or pursuing their orgasm: to me, safer sex isn't a business negotiation, isn't unsexy, isn't any big deal, at all. You pull out a condom, you smile (because if you're excited to be having any sort of sex with someone, you're usually smiling, not because you're performing), you rip open the package, you slide the condom (or dam, or glove, what have you) on them and make it part of the sex you're having, you go to whatever it is you were about to do.

It's probably also worth qualifying that over most of the years, I am a sex-on-the-first-sate sort of girl, and so I am literally starying with minute one with this approach, and we may as well be honest: a lot of people looking to get lucky right at bat are pretty darn flexible if they think they're going to hit a home run. I also tend to screen out partners likely to be dopes in this department pretty easily (I'm hardly perfect at it, I've certainly called people wrong in this way, but not often, and when I have, I usually find out I have before safer sex is an issue.)

Those caveats: not once that I can think of in around the past 20 years, even when it was considered pretty darn weird to be brigning safer sex to the table because there wasn't half as much awareness.

Not once. Really.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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Well that helps.

As for me, I am not really read as authoritive--so that's why it's important for me to be assertive about what I want and my limits right at the start of a relationship so I don't let them time to do anything to me that I didn't want. Cause if I don't say anything, they'll just go with their perceptions and if they happen to see me as vulnerable, then they'll try things. Or maybe they perceive me as vulnerable because I just don't state my limits right at the start ? Anyway..That's a big mistake I make to not having done that. We all gotta learn somewhere.

I don't know, but just seeing the perspective of someone as assertive as yourself (do you mind me saying that ? That's just how I perceive you.)really helps. Don't quite know how to explain it...guess you understand right ?

Thanks for the answers and thank you for sharing too. [Smile]

[ 04-20-2007, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Sorry, I'm prattling on here.

but I just realized that I should probably have mentioned that it's sounding like you think your being more assertive will result in your being MORE pressured for sex.

And if that's so, that's a flase assumption: it's usually the opposite. I suspect that some of the pressuring you have been dealing with has been because the guys you have hooked up with have been reading/seeing/suspecting a clear LACK of assertiveness (which is not to say it's your fault people have been jerks: it's so not).

People who are of a mind to pressure someone generally seek out the people they suspect they can get away doing it to: and even if the assumption based on being assertive is that you've slept with half of Canada, you're going to be LESS likely to get pressured, not more.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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Ok thanks. I just replied before your post though if you want to see.

And don't be sorry. [Smile]

[ 04-20-2007, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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