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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » trying again

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Author Topic: trying again
Nailo
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My boyfriend and I haven't even talked about trying intercourse again in a long time, but we decided that we'd like to, *very slowly*, work our way to trying again. He suggested we could just try again, but I said that we'd better work with smaller things for now and work our way up. I've tried sticking my fingers in my vagina, but I can't really seem to get more than half a finger in. He seems to think that since my hymen is still there that it would be practically impossible to get anything in more than a couple of centimeters, but I think he's missinformed, since women who still have their hymens can use tampons.

As a side note, if anyone is wondering, I went to the gynecologist a while ago to get my hymen checked out, and it's a perfectly normal, run of the mill hymen with a hole about the size of a q-tip head in it. My boyfriend thinks that maybe since the hole is so small that he'll hurt me if he tries sticking his fingers in (and he's very worried about hurting me).

I don't know if there's any evidence to back up this concern? If there isn't, does what I suggested sound like a not so crazy idea? Keep in mind that really, the reason we've had trouble with intercourse is my fear of pain, not anything else.

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fille_francaise
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With my own experience, I can say that it did hurt, but also, I think it was all in my head, too.

What I mean, is that since I was anticipating the pain & discomfort, it just magnified the experience 10x. The pain varies in women; I know I've spoken to my friends about their first time & some of them said that it was awful because it hurt so bad, & other have said that it hurt a little, but they really didn't feel much pain. I just know that if you're anticipating it to painful & not so pleasant, chances are it won't be.

I would just suggest to do everything you can to relax, make sure you're fully aroused & comfortable before making the attempt to have sex. =]

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"...Our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

-- death cab for cutie.

Posts: 138 | From: Southern California, USA | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Nailo, did you ask your gynecologist what he or she thought in terms of your hymenal opening size?

I ask because at your age, I'd expect a bit more of an opening than that, and so I'm wondering if he or she had any comments per the thickness of your hymen: did they say it was normal in that respect, or comment on any thickness issues you might have?

Gradual steps with anything like this is always best, and so, by all means, when you and he are hot and heavy, and you're engaging in manual sex for you with clitoral stimulus -- maybe even after you've reached orgasm, ideally -- then is the time to experiment with a finger or two per vaginal entry, because that's when it's most likely to feel best. Really, the only way to find out if it's going to feel good or not (remember, this is about feeling good, not just avoiding pain) is to try at a good time like that and find out.

And if you're interested in this, the best thing to say to your partner per his concerns is that you're okay with something maybe hurting when you try, and that if it does, by all means, you'll both try something else so you're not in pain and he doesn't feel like he's causing you pain.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nailo
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Thanks a lot [Smile] .

Heather: You know, I hadn't even thought of the possibility that the opening in my hymen might have really been too small. When I went to see him, he was very nice and even put a camera so I could see my hymen for myself. He said it was completely normal; it was a light pink in colour, and he kind of poked around it with a q-tip (which felt uncomfortable). But now that you mention it, I didn't see any other holes besides the one that was the size of a q-tip. I always supposed that the gynecologist couldn't really tell the thickness of it unless he tested it himself, and that's a BIG no no here. When he was examining my hymen, it was compulsory to have a female nurse in the room to make sure he wasn't damaging my "virginity". Is there any way for him to tell me if it's really too thick? What he meant by normal, I guess, was that it wasn't septated, or anything of the sort. But do you think that it really is a possibility that my opening is really too small, and that's why I can't use tampons and any kind of penetration has been nigh impossible?

He did say I had vaginismus, because as he was poking around he said "well, I'm going to try to stick this q-tip in, if I may..." and I freaked out. He asked me if it hurt and I said yes, but really, I panicked but didn't feel anything. He didn't say anything about prescribing stents though...

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Oh, wow. I didn't realize that down there you had THAT much archaic virginity stuff to the degree that it hindred sexual healthcare. Is it possible that that might be better with a different doctor: how about with a female doctor? Is there anyone you can see who is a little more progressive?

If you have a hymen which is so thich and resilent it's not really eroding by itself, then yes, that could be an issue. if you've got vaginismus on top of that, that absolutely will be an issue, and it is NOT a good idea to try intercourse if you know it is.

I'm willing to bet, though, that if a proper exam can't even happen for susperstitious fears about "damaging virginity," that you're also not going to get help offered for making intercourse or other vaginal entry workable for you unless you're married: would that be your take? I'd gather that's likely why there wasn't any discussion about treating the vaginismus.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nailo
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Well, the doctor didn't say that it was compulsory to have a female nurse observing to make sure he wasn't damaging my virginity, but to have a witness that he didn't damage my hymen. I guess it all amounts to the same thing in the end. And that's not something that's going to change with my doctor; it's a compulsory practice here, that even the doctor was kind of annoyed at. I told him that if it was necessary, I didn't mind him purposefully erroding my hymen, but he gave me an answer that clearly said he would probably get sued or a bad reputation if he did that.

As for not being offered to treat vaginismus, I think it has less to do with me not being married and more to do with me being a minor with an adult boyfriend. When we started dating, we were both minors; we've just been together long enough that that changed [Razz] . As for psychological treatment, I've told my psychologist about it, but she really didn't seem too interested in helping me get over it. I don't know whether it's because there are other, more important issues at hand, or because people here really aren't trained to do so.

I definitely agree with you that I shouldn't go ahead and try intercourse again in the near future. My boyfriend and I have felt in no way hindered by not having done so, anyway. Even still, we want to try to build our way up to it eventually- my vaginismus isn't going to go away by just burrying it, is it? I'll definitely go back to the gynecologist one of these days and see if my hymen is still that thick and if he can give me something to treat my vaginismus(and to why my breasts keep itching like crazy! X_X).

[ 01-14-2007, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: Nailo ]

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"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Nailo, have you visited http://www.vaginismus.com/ ?

While the information there should be taken with a grain of salt since they ARE looking to sell a treatment program, I actually ordered a set of dilators from them for relatively little cost. They're of decent quality, and have been of help to me, being a vet of ignorant GYN's myself.

Just wanted you to know that there is self-treatment as an option, if you can't get medical treatment. There are also exercises to use in conjunction with the devices for free via a quick Google.

[ 01-15-2007, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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