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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Do you have enough time for...

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Author Topic: Do you have enough time for...
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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...really good sex, anyway?

Just wanting to see what y'all think about something.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion, when we're talking to users who can't seem to have a good time with sex, who can't get to orgasm, who want to shortcut to intercourse pretty quicky, etc. that there's one issue (of several) which may be at play sometimes.

Is this sometimes (or always) a matter of not having enough time and privacy or permission to have sex? In other words, it's going to be a real problem per having a lot of buildup to sexual activities, a range of sexual activities, and very intimate, extended exploration with partners if you guys are finding that you're having to shove sex into fifteen-minute increments because you're sneaking around trying not to get caught having sex at home.

(This wasn't really an issue for me in my later teens, personally. My one parent was okay with me being sexually active at home so long as I paid for and took full ownership of all the responsibilities involved, so long as my partners were respectful, and that was also the case w/a lot of my partners.)

Is this an issue for any of you? If it is, what do you think about how to resolve it? Do you just wait until you do have opportunities where you have more time and privacy, or do you accept lackluster sex instead for whatever reason? Is it something you've ever talked to your parents about or those of your partners? What if you're in a dorm?

[ 01-04-2007, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30315

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That's a bit of a problem for me. At my place, my parents are hard-set against any kind of sexual activity, making out, even just cuddling (we do that anyway though). As a result sexual tension kind of builds up, so when we get a couple minutes - at his house, always - the sex is actually pretty good. His parents never walk in on us; they're more of the opinion that as long as we're being safe, it's our own business. Occasionally we'll be interrupted by them yelling something upstairs, like "Dinner!" or something, but they generally know that if the door's closed, they don't bother us. That said, there's still pressure to be quick about it, so we don't get interrupted in the first place, and also just because it feels weird to be having sex when his family is in the house.

We make do with the time we have, which sometimes means partially-clothed sex or passing on intercourse altogether and doing manual sex through clothes, or whatever. Mostly we just can't wait until we graduate from college and get our own place.

In my dorm, it's generally accepted that if your roommate's significant other is staying the night, you find somewhere else to sleep. The only problem is noise, so we just have to remember to stay quiet.

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As someone told me lately
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Beach Girl
Member # 32103

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Even though my parents definitely allow me to have privacy at my house and have nothing against me having sex, I still think that the fact that there are other people in the house sometimes makes sex less enjoyable. Of course I don't want to make it obvious when I'm having sex, so we often do it late at night or when people are out, which can make things more rushed ad less spontaneous. For me it is not a huge problem, but I have friends whose parents are more strict about these things and I know for them it is a much bigger problem.
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Member # 30944

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This is without a doubt my biggest problem when it comes to sexual activity.

My parents refuse to accept that I am even thinking about sex - I am not even allowed to lay down with my boyfriend at my house because my parents think that you only lay down with people that you're having sex with, and that cuddling will somehow directly lead to sex. So at my house, he is allowed to be in my room provided that the door is open and that one of us is sitting in a chair next to the bed. Of course, we usually sneak into bed anyway, but when the door is wide open and you have parents that always seem to find a reason for walking past your room, even the littlest creak will interrupt any making out/sexual activity/cuddling because somebody has to scramble for the chair.

At his house, his parents aren't nearly as neurotic, but they still insist that we keep the door open. They don't interrupt very much, but enough to make any sexual activity rushed. (They're more of the "don't ask, don't tell" kind of people.) His house is really the only place where any sort of sexual activity can last for longer than 5 minutes, because at least we can be in the same bed and even under covers there. His parents also leave us alone from time to time, usually not for very long, but at least it's something. Still not as wonderful as it would be if we didn't have to worry about someone coming home, but it's something.

As for how we resolve this issue? I really don't know. We've only had 2 times in our 9 month relationship where we could actually take the luxury of undressing and relaxing a bit, both when his parents were out of town. I think it definitely affects our overall satisfaction (or at least mine), and it may also be affecting the "speed" at which we do things. Because we don't get to be alone with each other very often, I sometimes feel the urge to take things a little bit farther than I would usually be comfortable with, simply because I don't know when we will get such an opportunity again. For example, we've been talking a lot about intercourse lately, and I'm kind of on the edge about whether I'm ready or not. However, I do think I'll be ready within the next month or two. Anyway, on New Year's Eve we were alone for an hour or two and I was really tempted to do the deed then just because I have no idea when I will be alone with him next and I don't want my first time to be some rushed, frantic, "Quick, my mom will be home from the store in 5 minutes!" type of deal.

I know it's breen a crazy long post, but for those of you that read the whole thing, I'm curious as to what you think we could do to resolve this problem. ANY suggestions would be greatly appreciated [Smile] Thanks!

P.S. In case anyone was going to suggest sneaking around or something, I thought it would be relevant to add that I snuck him over to my house a few times at the very beginning of our relationship and we somehow got caught. Nobody came home, his car was never spotted, and I really have no idea how they found out. I suspect my neighbors ratted me out. But anyway, since I don't know what got us caught, I can't risk doing it again and being caught the same way. (I was grounded for a very loooong time.)

"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
- Henry David Thoreau

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Member # 27408

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Time (or lack thereof) is a HUGE problem for my boyfriend and I. My parents have a rule similar to the one LucysDiamonds mentioned (I got in trouble for allowing my BF to put his arm around me once), and he's not even allowed on the floor where the bedrooms are, and his parents won't let us be alone together in a room with doors that close. It isn't an issue when we're at school, as I have a single room (no roommate), so he can come over whenever, but, when we're home, any form of sex is rushed, and with the constant fear of someone coming home and catching us, which definitely makes it less enjoyable.

[ 01-04-2007, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: Alatariel ]

Posts: 128 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I've got my own place and my own life, now, but i remember how it feels. and I never understood why our parents were as against it as they are.

If i had children, i'm pretty sure i'd rather they were having sex in a comfortable and familar and safe environment... as opposed to having to sneak around and spend money on hotel rooms or even go out into the treehouse in the woods and get a tick on your butt (yes, it happened to me.)

"I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction."
~Ayn Rand

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I have the same issues with this, also. My mother is very religious & believes that sex before marriage is a "no-no." Somehow, though, my boyfriend & I manage to do the deed at my house, but it's usually quite rushed & I'm not in complete mindset of making love to him because I'm constantly listening for footsteps, or for someone waking up. It's quite distracting unnerving. But since my boyfriend lives about an hour away from me, & works full time during the week, the only chance we get to see each other are on weekends. So between phone conversations, & internet messages, the [sexual] tension really builds up, so that when I see him, we both can't keep our hands off of each other.

At first I thought that the reason I wasn't reaching my fullest potential in my love making was because of me & my self-confidence. But then I realized that it had everything to do with the time & place. We've gotten a hotel twice; once to go to a concert out of town & another time for him to come visit me. & of course, it was much more relaxed. We took our time & just enjoyed each other. It was nice. If we both could have that kind of comfort & security each time we made love, I'm pretty sure we would grow more in our sexual relationship. But right now, it's not very consistant. & sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't have sex at all because it's too restricting.

"...Our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds."

-- death cab for cutie.

Posts: 138 | From: Southern California, USA | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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...and that's one question I guess I'd pose.

Is sub-standard, rushed sex (especially when, let's be honest, more times than not that means, in an opposite-sex partnership, that the woman is the one who isn't getting off) better for those of you in this spot than no sex, or is holding off until you DO have opprtunities -- and thus, probably a lot less sex -- the better deal?

Whichever your response, why?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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My parents have never had a problem with us cuddleing. My boyfriend is allowed to sleep over, though we're not allowed to share a bed because it would make my younger brother uncomfortable. We're allowed upstairs with the doors closed and locked. I don't really want to have sex with him unless I can stay with him after, though.
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In my current relationship I've found that even though we are not having sex things are much more comfortable when we are at his house. His mother is much more the time to trust us alone in his room, door open or closed(and she knocks first either way) where as my parents constantly check on us when we're sitting in the living room or basement(the only places we're allowed to even be simi-alone) my mother scoffs at public hand holding, and his mother coughs loudly enough to seperate us if she sees us doing something she disapproves of(which is very little we do unless she walks in on us). Over all its just nicer to be at his home because things are so much more excepted.
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We live together so time and privacy towards sex hasn't been an issue for almost two years. But prior to us living together, sex was an issue at times. We seldom had sex at my parent's house (only twice when they were away for more than a day) even though they knew we were sexually active. Our sexual activities were very commonly held at his parents houses. We had privacy, but there would be times where it was short, or there would be interupted by dinner or something. His parents didn't care that we had sex whether they were home or not as long the door was closed, and that we weren't too loud. We knew that both set of parents were waiting for us to move out so that we could have more privacy and enjoyment to our sex life which has increased since we got our own place together. We're in an apartment, so there's still people that live in the same building, so we're looking forward to having our house, and our sex life will finally be completely satisfied. [Smile]


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