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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » sleeping at his house means sex

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Author Topic: sleeping at his house means sex
cool87
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When a guy asks you if you want to go sleep at his house tonight to spend more time with you, does he wants to have sex ? If I say yes will that mean I am willing to have sex with him ? I don't want to go at his house and have him pressuring me or trying to get into my pants . Do you think he will do that ?

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KittenGoddess
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Well, nobody can speak for what EVERY guy (or girl for that matter) has in mind when he invites you to sleep at his house.

Your best bet would be to talk to the person in question. Ask what they have in mind and then state very assertively that you are NOT interested in having sex right now and that if you feel pressured at any point, you will be leaving. Or simply don't go at all if you have ANY question in your mind that you might be putting yourself at risk.

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Heather
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Is this the same guy?

Again, cool, I have to be frank: even though you're of legal age, a guy over ten years your senior is not someone who you can have any semblance of healthy, balanced relationship with if you can't very frankly say things, easily, like,

"When you ask me to sleep over, are you asking me for sex, or are you JUST talking about sleeping, because that's all I'minterested in and ready for right now."

Again, a 30-year-old man likely is NOT asking for a slumber party. It is a normal expectation at that age, for many, that if a romantic interest comes to sleep over, some aspect of sex will probably be involved, and is likely wanted.

From everything you've posted thus far about this and where YOU are at, this is just not sounding like a good fit in a relationship for you, or like someone who is likely to be at the same level you are in most, if not all, respects.

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Heather
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quote:
If I say yes will that mean I am willing to have sex with him
By the by? NOTHING obligates you to have sex with someone else. Even if you agreed to HAVE sex, you still are not obligated to do so.

So, in this sitution or any other, agreeing to sleep over at someone's house, if that is all that is said, does not obligate you to sex, even if that person was THINKING or planning that as a route to sex.

(Still don't think you should sleep over there, anyway, given that thus far, you haven't reported being able to talk with this guy about any of this stuff, but I wanted to be sure you understood that, per obligations, regardless.)

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cool87
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Thanks your advice is appreciated. But I tought about it and I'm gonna go anyway and talk things out with him. I will tell him that I'm a virgin and bla bla bla. But should I tell him I'm scared that he will pressure me into having sex and that I'm scared of not being great enough and that it will hurt on our first sexual intercourse ?

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cool87
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I fantasied on having sex with him. I would really like to have sex with him because he's well experienced and will take great care of me but at the same time I'm a little scared about the pain and my boyfriend not fitting in because I'm not even able to put two finger in my vagina. I think that his penis will be big (he's 30 years-old going on 31 )and how will it be able to fit in when two fingers don't. Feels like my vagina entrance will tear.Once I will take things out with him and about sex how will I know if I'm ready to have sex with him ?Do you have any advice ? Please answer this early because tomorrow night will be the night when I will go sleep at his house. I don't know if I am ready to have sex then after talking to him.

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LilBlueSmurf
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I think spending the night with this guy right now is a very bad idea. I think deciding whether or not you're ready for a sexual relationship with this person based on one conversation is also a very bad idea.

I don't know what you hope to accomplish by having a discussion with this man when you dont even know where you stand, regarding a sexually relationship. Going into a relationship and setting your boundaries is super important; if you're even a little unsure of what is acceptable/unacceptable to you, you stand to have someone else setting your boundaries for you (NOT that this is okay, but this is what happens when you're not clear and firm on what is okay/not okay).

Again, i feel the need to stress this ... I think you are making a BIG mistake in spending the night with this man if you have any doubts whatsoever as to what your boundaries are and what his intentions are. I don't know how else to stress that to you ...

And not only do you not have the basics of the relationship panned out, you have none of the sexual stuff panned out. How many partners has he had? Did he use protection? When was his last STI screen? Does he plan on using protection with you? If so, what? If not, what are you planning on doing about it? What if a pregnancy/STI resulted from this?

As for your other questions ... Not everyone experiences pain when they first have intercourse. We have a few articles here that should answer all your questions.

Ready or Not? The Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101
Safe, Sound & Sexy : A Safer Sex How-To
From OW! to Wow: Identify the causes of Painful Vaginal Sex and Kick the Pain to the Curb
Does Abstinence make the Heart Grow Fonder?
Is that all there is? A memoir of first time sex 17 years in the making
A Quickie STD/STI Risk Assessment
Testing, Testing…

... It's a lot, i know, but it's important. Usually i like to slowly introduce users to the articles, but i am worried that you will run off and have intercourse unprepared.

I really do hope you read this articles and seriously consider what has been said to you.

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cool87
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what about the penis thing will he be able to enter my vagina when two fingers don't fit ?That's what I'm scared most.

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LilBlueSmurf
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You're not listening.

You have bigger problems than whether or not his penis will fit in your vagina or not.

You also have not read the articles i linked for you (namely First Intercourse 101 and From OW! to Wow) ...

His penis should be able to fit in your vagina provided you're aroused, using lubrication and going slow.

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wobblyheadedjane
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Have you read the articles Smurf posted for you? Because they really do cover a lot of these bases in pretty good detail (for example, From Ow to Wow would explain causes of potentially painful sex.)

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cool87
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I didn't had time to read those but I will do it.

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cool87
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He told me a little bit of things about him. He had sex at 13 and have had about 25 relationships with woman some were only about sex while others were not. He told me that it was always protected sex with condoms. I do know that I need to talk to him more about me and he needs to talk about him more. I understand that we need to talk prior to having sex. Not right before it. After what you two said, I'm scared of going to sleep at his house, so I will call him and basically tell him that I would like to get to know him better before we sleep in the same bed and spend the night together and that I hope it's okay for him. Does that seem alright ?

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JamsessionVT
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If your scared, it's not necessarily even a matter of giving it more time. We've already told you that a guy who is that much older than you isn't likely to be looking for just a little sleepover. There isn't any "hoping that's OK with him". You need to tell him that you are NOT comfortable with sleeping with him at this time, and that you won't be doing it. You NEED NEED NEED to be assertive about this, so don't give him a choice; you won't be doing what he has asked b/c you aren't comfortable. End of story.

I am worried about the things that he is telling you. It sounds like he's trying to make it seem like it'll be OK, that he'll use condoms just like he did for his bazillion other relationships, that nothing will go wrong. C'mon girl! Think about what he's saying, and then listen to your own gut feelings. You're scared, that should tell you something.

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cool87
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Well thanks I tought about it and didn't sleep at his house. Instead we went for a walk to talk about sex. We told us everything.I told him I was a virgin and he was ok with him. He seems like more in love with me. He was so gentle, he was holding my hands while walking and kissing me almost all the time and cuddling, more than he is used to. As for the first time, he said that he will go slow in order of not hurting me and it will be wonderful. And he asked me if I wanted to spend the night at his house only to watch movies and spend time together. He also said that we were not obligated to have sex if I didn't want to. That's so sweet of him. I'm not that scared anymore, I don't think I am anymore. I'm actually thinking about going. I got to go with my feelings right ?And he said we didn't have to have sex. We can just cuddle in bed and kiss and sleep close to each other.

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Heather
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Well, you've got to go with your feelings AND with your head. Heart and head tend to work best when we put them together.

Can I ask how long you've been dating him?

Let me be frank: I wouldn't go to sleep over at anyone's house I'm dating, with the idea that just sleeping was all someone had on the agenda, until we'd been together a good, long time. Why not? Because early in the game, if I hadn't had sex with that person, I could be pretty sure that no matter what was said or intended, it was going to be pretty likely that they'd be hoping some form of sex would happen, and it just would seem a bit...eh, silly to set ourselves up for a scenario like that if that is not what one or both of us actually wanted.

If you haven't been dating for a few months, I'd say go on more dates. Plain old dates: you know, dinner, movies, concerts, walks, out with both your sets of friends, what have you. dates that don't end in bed. You know you're not there yet (and from the sorts of questions you've asked here at Scarleteen, it's pretty clear that the whole arena of your sexuality, even by yourself, is very new to you, so it's pretty obvious from our perspective you're not there yet), so why go there?

I think it's great he responded so positively, I do. (And I think it's even more fantastic you spoke up for yourself.) But I think that the proof is in the pudding, as it were: his actions, over time, will speak a lot more clearly.

[ 06-10-2006, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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cool87
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We have been dating for three months. And would really like to begin doing something sexual with him. I just don't want to go all the way (penetration, just don't think I'm yet ready). With our clothes on or at least underwear can we get each other aroused and excited ? Like him rubbing his penis around my vagina without being naked, in underwears for example ? And have oral sex ? I would tell him that I want to be intimate with him without having a penetration or anal sex.

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Heather
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What any given two people like and dislike, do or don't find exciting, really varies a lot from person to person and couple to couple.

But absolutely, things can be and are exciting other than intercourse or anal sex. In fact, most people find those other things more exciting.

(Actually, you can see that in a poll of our users right here at the site, if you're interested: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=35;t=000012)

But again, these are things to talk to a partner about: conversations like this -- "What do you like best? What's exciting for you? Know what's exciting to me?" -- are normative between couples who communicate openly and with maturity. This is part of an adult sexual relationship.

And so are limits and boundaries: everyone has them, and the ones you have right now and not only valid, they're smart, sane and safe. Just also do yourself a favor as you're evalutating all of this, and spend some time here or elsewhere educating yourself on what you need to fill in your gaps so that you can really make the best choices for you in situations like this, and communicate those choices in such a way so as any partner can hear and understand them, and respond with equal maturity and sanity.

I'm going to toss you some links here I think you might find helpful with all of this while you figure it all out. Take a little time and read them, if you will, I earnestly think they can help you figure things out like this without feeling so in over your head, or ending UP in over your head:

• Ten of the Best Things You Can Do For Your Sexual Self (at any age)
• Ready or Not? The Readiness Checklist
• Sexual Negotiations for the Long Haul
• Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide
• A Quickie STD/STI Risk Assessment
• Does Abstinence make the Heart Grow Fonder?

I'd just say with any of this to make sure that you are giving yourself as much time as you want and need to figure all this out without feeling in any way rushed, or like you need to do something NOW, lest you lose some opportunity. And with a mature partner, choosing to take that time not only shouldn't be a problem, they should seriously have extra respect for you for it.

[ 06-11-2006, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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cool87
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I don't want to tell you about my entire life but I really like your help. If I can't tell you what's happening in my live and ask questions just tell me but I think the site is for that. Well I went to his house today (I just visited him) and we ended up having sex without penetration. ( you know oral and things like that ( no fingering and anything like that because I've had a bad experience) with protection of course). I was in underwears. But I have to ask you something. He was rubbing you know what against my vagina with my clothes on, he was excited and sometimes it kinda wanna go into my vagina (because he was sometimes going fast)and it hurts, it didn't go inside though just where the hymen is located, where the entrance is. It was kind of sensible out there. WHY DID IT HURTS ? AND ALSO WHY WAS HE HOLDING MY HANDS UP THERE WHILE HE WAS DOING IT ?, you know the way rapers do, I'm not insinuating he is a raper, really not because I agreed to have sex with him. He was kind of pushy in the end,he asked me many times if I was sure I didn't want to do it, if I wanted to go all the way and have penetration, he kept insisting that this was the next level in the relationship but I said him I was sure and he stopped. But he said that next time will be the time. Sorry for the capital letters it is just because

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cool87
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I wanted the answers to those questions if you have the answer of course ? (sorry I posted my writing before finishing it)

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Rayn
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plz plz plz, listen to the wise voices of women who have been there before you.

they know what they are talking about, and this man is not a good match. next time, if you say no, and he rapes you... you will hate urself. and i am just saying he might/will from the what you said he said that "next time will be the time" i dont actually know him, but please... listen to urself. listen to the little voice in ur head, that has been cautioning you all along.

please listen to those who know... they would never wish anything bad upon you.


and it probably hurt because you were scared, and you werent ready.

[ 06-11-2006, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Rayn ]

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LilBlueSmurf
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You don't have to tell us about your entire life, but the more we know about you and your relationship, the better we can help you. I don't really see where anyones asked you any personal questions though, only asked that you speak to your partner about certain topics before engaging in any sort of sexual relationship.

Your post was a little hard for me to understand. From what i got of it, you and your partner had dry sex and when he pushed his penis toward your vagina (but not into it, as you were wearing underwear), you had pain.

The answer? I have no idea. Maybe he was pushing too hard? It's not like his penis is going to go far with underwear on, so pushing and pushing with nowhere to go can be uncomfortable/painful. Did you ask him to stop? Readjust? Did your partner know this was painful for you?

I also don't know why he was holding your hands like that. Did you ask him? This is much of what we've been talking to you about ... The need to communicate with your partner! Did you tell him this was making you uncomfortable? How can you expect anything different from your partner if you're unwilling to let them know what your needs/wants are?

I would be VERY weary of any sort of further sexual relationship with this person ... You set your limits (ie, no penetration) and he ignored them. Sure he didn't do anything you didn't want him to, but he tried to pressure you (asking over and over again) into doing something he knew darn well you were not ready to do. This says to me that he does not respect you or the boundaries you have set. Why in the world would you want to even be friends with this person, nevermind having a sexual/intimate relationship with them?

And 'next time will be the time'? What does that mean to you? How does it make you feel knowing that someone who supposedly loves and cares for you is so ready for this to happen, they really don't give a crap about what you want/need?

Come on now. PLEASE, listen to what you're saying here. Everything in me is SCREAMING that this guy is bad news. I would not be spending any alone time with this guy, and i would let him know in no uncertain terms that what he did and what he's said is unacceptable.

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Heather
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Let me add a little bit to this.

Really, any given sexual acitivity isn't a "next level" to a relationship. Relationships, and intimacy, progress with trust, with getting to know one another, with two people connecting emotionally. While absoluetely, when that's happening, sex can sometimes commemorate that, represent that, it can't make that happen. And that whole "this is the next level" stiff is a LINE, a line this guy fed you because he clearly thought you were stupid enought to fall for it. That's not how someone treats who you respects you and cares for you. While certainly, someone who holds a partners hands over their head can do so because both like it, not because they're raping them, your gut instinct that he was behaving "like a raper," is a smart instinct to listen to, because what I'm hearing here is that yes, various parts of his behaviour DO indicate that.

And someone pressuring you, again and again, to do something you'bve made clear is part your limits and boundaries not only doesn't do that, it IMPEDES that.

"Next time will be the time" says, very clearly, to me that he is very clearly expecting even more than this from you, with no care for your consent, your enjoyment, your trust or your limits. I'd even go so far as to say he's told you he's taking what he wants at his next opportunity, period. In case you didn't already see the discrepancy, already, in a 24-hour period, this guy has told you one thing, and done another. Observe:

quote:
As for the first time, he said that he will go slow in order of not hurting me and it will be wonderful. And he asked me if I wanted to spend the night at his house only to watch movies and spend time together. He also said that we were not obligated to have sex if I didn't want to. That's so sweet of him.
Clearly, that is NOT all he wanted to do. Clearly, he was not considerate of you being uncomfortable, of your pleasure, of the pace you needed. Clearly, that you didn't want to didn't matter all that much: if it had, he'd have asked ONE time, and one time only. heck, given you just had said to him you didn't the day before, a considerate "sweet" guy wouldn't have hasked at ALL, because you already gave him the answer.

He is NOT someone to trust or who is safe to be around, clearly. He's feeding you lines. Unfortunately, you're falling for them.

Get out of this. It's been clear enough from when you first starting posting about this that this was probably not a good thing, but it's very clear now that it is a BAD thing. Please please, do yourself a favor and don't see this guy again. This dynamic is not how good things go: it just isn't.

[ 06-12-2006, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Heather
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As an additional thought, your brother (in a misguided way, sure) expressed concern about this guy, too.

Did he meet him? Has anyone you're close to and trust spent any real time around him, friends or family? If so, what have they thought of him, what vibe did they get? Pay attention to what they have to say: after all, your family and friends don't want to get into your pants, so you can put more trust in them, generally, than in a new partner, especially one like this.

Has HE expressed any interest in getting to know the other people in your life you are for and who care for you? If not, right there, again, you've got another big clue as to what his motives here really are.

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cool87
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Well thanks for your advice. I recently broke up with the guy because he wasn't respecting my choices and my limits. This boy didn't deserve my virginity I guess. It wouldn't have been great to lose it to him when he doesn't even want to stop when you ask him to. Plus, he was putting to much pressure on me and I pretty much think I would have gave it up to him soon and without being ready to. So thanks.

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Heather
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I don't think I can express how much better this made me and some of the other volunteers feel.

Personally, I yelped very audibly when I came home the other night to read you'd gone over there anyway, and scared the bejeezus out of my housemate.

I'm so glad, cool87, you made this decision, and I hope it's one you feel really good about making in the interest of your best interests. Good for you!

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cool87
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This guy is so wrong. He is now bragging about having taken my virginity to all his friends which he totally didn't. He says that I'm a really easy girl and he seems so proud of that. But I just choose to ignore him. He didn't want to break up so maybe that's kind of his revange.

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wobblyheadedjane
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It seems like this guy is showing his true colours now that he's not trying to convince you what a stand-up dude he is. All it ends up doing is reinforcing that you made the right decision, eh? I think it's wonderful that you're just ignoring it, because it's certainly not worth your time.

Way to go, cool87! [Big Grin]

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