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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Too Kinky?

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Author Topic: Too Kinky?
tehisian_beauty
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I like to do things more rough and can't get into sex much if it isn't kind of rough, but my boyfriend is kind of scared of it or of doing it... I'm not too sure of which. Is what I want too much?
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Heather
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It is if your partner isn't okay with it.

Part of healthy, respectful sexual partnership is BOTH partners only doing what they're comfortable with. Certainly, sometimes some middle ground can be found when one partner doesn't want to do something and the other does, but sometimes, too, one may just have to either accept certain activites aren't going to happen with a given partner.

So, sounds like you two can either seek out a good middle ground for the both of you, OR you can make some choices if you feel you're just sexually incompatible OR, given what kind of roughness we're talking about here, you can spend some time examining why you feel this way, and if there might not also be other things in play keeping you form feeling fully aroused with this partner or with any partner who isn't "orugh."

Sex tends to be pretty varied, even in the day-to-day with one given partner, so if only one specific style of sex 'works," it can be worth looking at why, thinking about how to expand your horizons more to make room for the wide array of human variation in sexual expression.


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tehisian_beauty
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Well the times we didn't we really didn't do it too long because it was my first, but I didn't really get any pleasure out of it and he thinks I should have and is freaking out. When I masterbate I always think rough, like holding my hands back, and just stuff like that. There might be something psychology wrong, but I don't know. He's just getting mad because he pleasures me better w/ his tongue.

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Heather
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No, that doesn't mean there is anything psychologically wrong. Mind you, I don't know exactly what you mean by rough, Let's put it this way, if you effectively feel like you want to feel raped all the time, then yeah: that's something you'll want to examine and deal with and try and get past. If it means someone using coarse language, maybe restraining you a little, general sensation play stuff, or just being very intense, that's a simple preference most of the time that's nothing to fret about or in need of correction.

But here's the thing: masturbation is masturbation. Partnered sex is partnered sex. We can bring masturbation INTO partnered sex, but partnered sex shouldn't be mastrubation, nor should we expect it to mimic masturbation. There's another person there. Our behaviour and desires need to make allowances for them (for both partners), and our solo sexuality and partnered sex are not going to be the same thing if we're not treating someone like an object. Sexual fantasy is also just that: fantasy. It's unrealistic to expect it to translate into reality, all the time, or even ever, in some cases or with some partners. Follow?

Your partner -- given all your posts thus far -- REALLY sounds in need of some basic sex education. For instance, him getting mad about that when your anatomy is BUILT in such a way that you've more sensory nerve endings in your clitoris than your vagina -- more than in his penis, for that matter -- is just senseless. This is how women are built, and given, a majority of women WILL experience greater physical sensation from stimulus that is more clitoral than vaginal. Even the part of the vagina that is sensitve is connected to the clitoris, after all.

And depending on how a partner is approaching intercourse, women may also have preferences there, too.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 01-02-2006).]


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tehisian_beauty
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Miz... thank you so much for your answers... I just wish there was a way I could have a convo w/ you. I feel so inexperienced asking you all these questions, but I guess I am... I have tons more but I just feel bad for bothering you. I appreciate everything you've done so far... and lol your right my boyfriend does need to get his facts straight!
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Heather
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Hey: I'm right here, and this is what I'm here for. Ask away!
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tehisian_beauty
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I really would like to put off sex right now because I'm so scared of getting pregent... I don't even trust condoms, and having sex w/ my boyfriend really isn't long, because I'm too scared. But sometimes it just seems perfect and I want it... what can I do when things start heating up?
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Heather
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Well, you can start by setting that boundary with your partner, with making clear that you're just not comfortable with intercourse right now because you don't feel able to take a risk of pregnnacy at all, even a rediuced risk.

You can then talk about what you ARE comfortable with, which doesn't pose pregnancy risks, like mutual masturbation, manual sex, oral sex (just remember STI risks are still present, and STIs are something you should be just as concewrned with), massage, hugging, phone sex, what have you.


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tehisian_beauty
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I think you mentioned Lubricant... my boyfriend wants to know how to put it on and are some better then others?
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Heather
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Well, I'm a little confused. Unless he wants to use it for masturbation? I'm confused because you just said you aren't comfortable having intercourse right now, and that's what lube would usually be used for, unless you're asking about manual sex.

How you use lube depends on what you're using it for, on whom and where. But it's pretty simple, really: one puts the lube on the genitals, or if fingers are being used, on the hands as well.


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tehisian_beauty
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Well I did talk to him and we decided if it happens it happens but we aren't going to push it... he just wanted me to ask some questions for him. He also wants to know what the prenancy rate is if he wears a condom and pulls out in time... like what are the chances of getting me pregant?
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Heather
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He can also register for his own account and ask himself. Might be a nice step for him to take so you aren't the only person doing the legwork, eh?

Withdrawal isn't advisable to use with a condom. Why? Because when one is in a hurry to "pull out" in the midst of impending orgasm, when logical thinking tends to get tricky, it's common to space holding the base as one withdraws, which means the condom could easily slip off, creating a pregnancy risk.

If you're going to use condoms alone, the trick is to use them properly: always leaving room in the tip, always using enough lubricant with them, using wquality condoms which have been stored properly, holding the base when withdrawaing. If condoms are used properly -- and consistently, that means always using them, they're very effective with that perfect use, around 92% or higher. But if you're very worried about pregnancy as you say you are, I'd advise using an extra method with your condoms.

(You know, though, I get concerned when a partner syas she strongly doesn't want to do something then mere hours later, has, after talking to a partner who wants otherwise, totally changes her mind. All I can say is that if you are not comfortable doing something, don't. Sex doesn't "happen," it's something we choose to do... or choose not to do. if you are not comfortable doing it, don't: worry is going to inhibit your arousal anyway, making sex pretty unenjoyable for you and any partner interested in you being just as comfortable and pleasured as they are. And that's the only kind of partner to be with.)


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tehisian_beauty
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Okay your right... heres the deal on my sexual view... it's something I really want to do honestly... but your right I have problems enjoying it because I'm afraid to get pregent... I'm very active, I'm in dance, and 3 sports, I'm also top student of my class, but I really want this... all the stuff im in I feel like i'm being pushed to do by my parents... My boyfriend honestly doesn't care whether we have sex, but I want it and I show it in my body language so it makes him want it, but once we start I get scared of getting pregent. I really don't know what to do... I just want the sincerity knowing I won't get pregent... tons of girls i know do have sex and don't but I don't want to be the onne who is unlucky. But I want it and feel like since we have such a great relationship almost a year... its something else we can share... we are pretty serious and we believe in a future together. Sorry if I'm confusing .... I just glad your here.
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Heather
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I need to call something out before I address the rest of this.

quote:
I show it in my body language so it makes him want it

Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh to even if you, your body, how you move it arouses him, you having ANY responsibility for those desires. Your boyfriend is evolved well past Neanderthal level, and people can become aroused in a day by SO many random things, that sort of statement is just nonsensical.

To boot? Intercourse is only one KIND of sex. And if you want a 100% guarantee you will not become pregnant, and still want to be sexually active? There IS an easy answer: only engage in all the other kinds of sex which cannot create pregnancy. Which, bonus, is most of them.

Sexual intimacy between people is not dependent on one sort of sexual activity. And sexual desire with a partner can be met with any number of sexual activities. Yes, this is one extra thing you can share together for that sexual intimacy, but hey: so are a few sexual activities I'm willing to bet he has boundaries with, or doesn't want to participate in, too. And hey: same-sex couples? Can have just as much sexual intimacy as straight couples (and sometimes more: intercourse is so loaded for so many people, for couples of any gender combo, sometimes it actually gets in the WAY of developing intimacy), even with NO intercourse.

From what you're posted since you started posting here, you haven't even enjoyed intercourse: why not do the things you DO enjoy and which ALSO cannot create pregnancy? Mind you, that doesn't have to be for always: there will be times in most of our lives as women when pregnancy risks, at all, are just too much to deal with. And since we're the only ones who can get pregnant, our partners should be down with that, and we should be able to accept that in ourselves when it happens. It's a normal aspect of having a life that's very full, that's about more than babymaking.

Mind you, if you really DO enjoy intercourse, and can see the sort of big picture I'm presenting here and do want to engage in that with LESS fear of pregnancy -- but not none -- then take the time to wait until you find a second reliable method of birth control to use with the condoms that works for you, a hormonal method like the pill, or something also effective but non-chemical, like a diaphragm.

But, you know, just think about this stuff, about your expectations, about your midset with this. take the time to really give room to figure out what is the very best choice for YOU right now, what you are most comfortable with, and how to make whatever that is work.


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