I have a problem with sex, but I'm not sure where it stems from or how to change it. Right now, I am in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend of two years. In the beginning of our relationship, we had a very healthy sex life, however, it has been a while since I've had sex with him (or want to have sex in general) and we haven't done anything for close to 6 months now. Fortunately for me, he's very patient about the whole thing, although I can tell he's frustrated sometimes. Whenever we start getting intimate with each other, I end up feeling self-conscious and afraid of showing my body or becoming aware of my surroundings instead of paying attention to the moment, and I never seem to be able to get in the mood for anything. This is unusual because our sex life has regressed instead of progressing or even continuing. At first, I just assumed it was the stress of school and work and moving back in with my parents, but now that I am on break from school, my feeling towards sex hasn't changed. My boyfriend and I have talked it over several times, but we still don't know how to go about fixing things. I know it's mostly psychological than anything because I want to have sex again, the desire is there, but there is just something that is mentally stopping me from doing so. I've moved back home after transferring schools, and our lack of sex began right after. Everytime we begin something, this feeling of shame and guilt just comes over me like I'm doing something bad, and I end up thinking about what my parents know or what they could possibly know about my sexual experience. At first, I thought moving out might make this problem go away, because I was sexually active and comfortable about it when I wasn't living at home, but financially, it isn't really an option I could do right now. So if anyone can help me right now, that would be great because I don't really know who to turn to for this problem, and I desperately need help on how to approach this problem so it can be fixed.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2004
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Thank you very much for helping out. I didn't know who else to turn to about this kind of problem.
My parents are pretty conservative when it comes to sex. They don't believe in sex before marriage, and I'm pretty sure they know my boyfriend and I are sexually active, but I just don't know how to confirm their assumptions.
Also there was a point in time during our little celebate stage where I found myself being attracted to other guys, and considered dating others just to get that new butterfly feelings that happen in the early stages of a relationship, but other than that my boyfriend and I have had an honest, close relationship. He's the person I've felt closest to in a long time, and someone I can completely be honest with without feeling judged. Sometimes he seems like he's hurt that I call him my best friend, because it implies that he's more of a friend than a boyfriend. We've also talked about that, but never really done anything about it. I don't think I'd see any other problems though, because I'm too close to the situation to see it any differently.
Well then, from the sounds of things -- especially given the timing -- it sounds like your dishonesty with your parents, your your knowing their disapproval, is likely the big factor here.
So, it seems that your options are to talk to them about it, and get it out in the open and/or to live elsewhere.
If you're looking for ways to talk to them about this some things I'd suggest addressing in the conversations are: - your being a legal adult - your knowing how they feel, and feeling bad about your values not matching up with theirs, but wanting to be honest all the same - your commitment to your relationship and your partner's care for you and vice-versa - your commitment to things like sexual health and birth control - and again, your strong desire not to have this be a dirty secret.
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