I've recently been having really horrible nightmares, nothing specific but just really weird. One of them had something to do with cutting my eyes. Very strange. So, like a weido, I looked eyes up in an online dreambook:
"To dream that your eyes are injured or closed, suggests your refusal to see the truth about something or the avoidance of intimacy. You may be expressing feelings of hurt, pain or sympathy."
So I remember back to a time when I was 14 to my first little boyfriend, who I unfortunately lost my virginity too. I must have blocked this out for years, but I think I was raped. I was definately conned into having sex with him, with alot of begging and "you dont love me's."
Not to mention being to young to have sex, I definately wasnt ready. I was reluctant to lose my virginity but I guess I really could've stopped it. I dont know. I'm just really confused. We also had anal sex, which I was also reluctant to do.
Nothing was really "forced" but I feel like I was manipulated. Is that considered rape? I've never talked to anyone about this so I feel odd.
Later I found out that this boy was bipolar and was molested when he was younger. I know this might have some bearing on how he treated me. I guess I just feel bad for him now.
Unfortunately I lost my first love (another boy years later) by lying to him, saying I was a virgin. I know it was VERY wrong to lie, but I guess I felt it would have made his feelings for me vanish or maybe I was ashamed at what happened.
I think I'm okay now, but I just dont know. I've been through alot in my life and I guess this just added to the pile up. My father was physically abusive when I was little, my parents got divorced, and 2 years ago my mother passed away from cancer, when I was only 15. Now I live with my grandparents and I have an amazing life.
I've talked to friends and some family about everything throughout my life except this. I kind of feel ashamed. I'm really just looking for some insight because I'm afraid to talk to anyone right now.
[This message has been edited by SoLongThursday (edited 12-31-2005).]