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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Important Question: Long Story

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Author Topic: Important Question: Long Story
SoLongThursday
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Member # 14494

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I've recently been having really horrible nightmares, nothing specific but just really weird. One of them had something to do with cutting my eyes. Very strange. So, like a weido, I looked eyes up in an online dreambook:

"To dream that your eyes are injured or closed, suggests your refusal to see the truth about something or the avoidance of intimacy. You may be expressing feelings of hurt, pain or sympathy."

So I remember back to a time when I was 14 to my first little boyfriend, who I unfortunately lost my virginity too. I must have blocked this out for years, but I think I was raped. I was definately conned into having sex with him, with alot of begging and "you dont love me's."


Not to mention being to young to have sex, I definately wasnt ready. I was reluctant to lose my virginity but I guess I really could've stopped it. I dont know. I'm just really confused. We also had anal sex, which I was also reluctant to do.

Nothing was really "forced" but I feel like I was manipulated. Is that considered rape? I've never talked to anyone about this so I feel odd.

Later I found out that this boy was bipolar and was molested when he was younger. I know this might have some bearing on how he treated me. I guess I just feel bad for him now.

Unfortunately I lost my first love (another boy years later) by lying to him, saying I was a virgin. I know it was VERY wrong to lie, but I guess I felt it would have made his feelings for me vanish or maybe I was ashamed at what happened.

I think I'm okay now, but I just dont know. I've been through alot in my life and I guess this just added to the pile up. My father was physically abusive when I was little, my parents got divorced, and 2 years ago my mother passed away from cancer, when I was only 15. Now I live with my grandparents and I have an amazing life.

I've talked to friends and some family about everything throughout my life except this. I kind of feel ashamed. I'm really just looking for some insight because I'm afraid to talk to anyone right now.

[This message has been edited by SoLongThursday (edited 12-31-2005).]


Posts: 13 | From: Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Consensual sex isn't coercive. So, yeah: guilt-tripping someone into having sex with you is one form of rape. It isn't forcible rape, but it isn't consensual, nor is it healthy. With sex that isn't rape, ALL parties involved are 100% willing and intrerested in doing what they're doing.

And having been traumatized oneself doesn't give anyone a free pass to do the same to anyone else. There isn't any reason to feel bad for anyone who tricked you into sex.

Sounds like you've had a lot on your plate: have you ever had any sort of counseling?


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SoLongThursday
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No I havent but I might. I've always thought I was fine without couseling. Like I'm not suicidal nor do I go through any bouts of depression. But I think it would have its benefits of just even getting alot off my chest.
Posts: 13 | From: Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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A good counselor/therapist really can be a godsend.

Even if we aren't depressed or suicidal, that doesn't mean we're not struggling or can't benefit from being able to have objective help looking at our struggles, burdens and the way we do (or don't) cope with them.

A lot of people think of counseling as something only needed for big crises, but really, for a lot of people -- especially those without a wide, close support circle they can talk openly with -- it's basic maintenence.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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