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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » WHY CANT I ORGASM??

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Author Topic: WHY CANT I ORGASM??
koolaid007
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i dont really expect anyone to be able to give me a straight answer to this, but i'd really appreciate some advice.

i've been in several relationships in the past where during sex i've found myself faking lots of orgasms and pretending to be enjoying lots of things i actually didnt. now i'm in a serious relationship and i've decided to try to change what i'm used to and actually try to HAVE an orgasm. it's not working so well.

my boyfriend hasn't been able to make me orgasm [so far no one has but myself] , and i explained the situation to him so he isn't taking it personal. i think he'd do about anything so i could have one.

the main problem i'm dealing with right now is that even though i try to relax and enjoy whatever it is we're doing i can't quite get into it enough for it to feel great. and to me it feels like i'm letting my boyfriend down if i cant show him that he's doing a good job. because of all that i try to push myself even harder to have an orgasm, which OF COURSE makes it impossible. this has happened every time, and we've tried tons of things.

it's really starting to get to me. i don't want to have to keep disappointing him after he works so hard just to make me feel good. sometimes i feel like i'm almost there after close to an hour of oral...but then it just kind of goes away. and yeah, i know thats an obscenely long time to keep someone down there.

hopefully some of you can understand my frustration and give me some feedback on this. any suggestions or comments or personal experiences...anything like that would help me out. thanks


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Heather
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Well, here are a few places to start.

1) No more faking. Seriously, just stop cold turkey. Faking really sets everyone up badly. When you fake it, your partner reads that as what he or she is doing is something that's great for you, so they're likely to keep repeating what, in fact, didn't work for you at all. Plus, one can't really develop sexual relationships with quality communication when one is lying in bed in that way.

2) Try and switch your headspace on this. if you feel you have to deliver an orgasm to make a partner feel good, you are indeed making it impossiblef for yourself, on top of really sapping a lot of the joy and pleasure out of acts that are supposed to be about process, not product. Your partner "doing a good job" in bed isn't about orgasm. It's about trust and intimacy, it's about both of you enjoying each other, experiencing comfort and pleasure.

3) Bring your own masturbation habits to the table. Do you and yours mutually masturbate, for instance, or do you ever masturbate during, say intercourse? Might be a fine place to start.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
koolaid007
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thanks for the quick reply!

about the faking: i promised myself from the beginning of this relationship there would be no more of that. i felt horrible about doing it in the first place.

about the second thing you said: that's pretty much what he said when i talked it all over with him. no matter how many times i hear all that though, as soon as i get back under the covers the same thing ends up happening. i'll really try to remind myself of all that more often, and hopefully it'll help some.

about the masturbation: that sounds like a great idea but i'm not sure if i can pull it off. it seems like it would be sort of hard to do


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Heather
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Per the third?

It's really not, I assure you: during pretty much any partnered sex activity you can conceive of, moving one's hand to one's clitoris is easy as pie. And a lot of couples find it very exciting and arousing, as well as something that increases intimacy, so there ya go.


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sixela
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i had the same problem, i think the problem was me being a little too self conscious during sex. Dont know how old you are, but liquor helps; it sort of helps let your inhibitions go. Also watching porn before hand helps you get into it more, if you and him watch together. When you see something that arouses you it helps you be closer to orgasm when you do start to have sex.

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LilBlueSmurf
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No one should require liquor for sex. If you do, you probably shouldn't be doing it.
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Gumdrop Girl
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Liquor makes you temporarily stupider. Liquor doesn't solve the emotional and psychological hangups you have about sex or your body. Liquor just makes you dumb enough for a few hours not to remember them.

Moreover, liquor actually suppresses sexual response. Your body becomes too slow and your senses too dulled to fully enjoy sex. Liquor has been shown to REDUCE vagina lubrication. Liquor also makes it harder for men to become erect or to orgasm. Yes, orgasm is inhibited when you're drunk, too.

Smurf's right. if oyu think you need booze to have sex, then there are probably a lot of issues that you need to work through (while sober). working through these issues can be as simple as opening up and talking about them with your partner, us, or a sex therapist

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sixela
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just saying that there were times when i wanted to have sex, i knew i was feeling uptight about my body, and having a drink helped. its not required, not something to do all the time, but for me it served its purpose.

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dipset


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LilBlueSmurf
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Liquoring up is a temporary solution though. You'd have been much better off dealing with the body issues, don't you think?
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Erin xx
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I've been having the same problem, actually. The only thing that really feels good for me is when I'm being fingered, and even then I can't orgasm. My boyfriend went down on me the other night, and it didn't feel like ANYTHING. I was surprised, I thought it was going to feel really good. But thanks for making this post, I think I'll try some of the things that Miz Scarlet mentioned...

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sixela
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absolutely smurf, very temporary. I'm still working on it.


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Michelle Ravel
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I would highly recomment NOT drinking before sex to everyone. Chances are, it will dull sensation in your genital area, which doesn't really help at all.

What I WOULD recommend is having a "no orgasm party." Why don't you block out some time with your boyfriend--a few party sessions--where you pleasure each other but absolutely no orgasms are allowed? It might take the pressure off for a bit, and then, after a few parties, your hang-up might be a lot smaller, and you might have discovered what sensations you like.

Just a thought.


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Humor_Me
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let go of your inhibitions.

guide him on areas that you want to be touched, kissed or licked.


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LilBlueSmurf
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You have to remember that inhibitions are not always a bad thing. Sometimes it's just your body's way of telling you something's wrong or you're not ready ... and that's OKAY!! You have to listen to and trust your instincts, or you will learn to regret it.
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