Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » question for all

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: question for all
NobodySaidItWasEasy
Activist
Member # 24765

Icon 1 posted      Profile for NobodySaidItWasEasy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey, I'm not really sure how to phrase this but here goes..

How many of you would be happy to have your partner masturabate you while you were sleeping? Without your prior permission? Would you think it was ok for them to do, would you need to have discussed it first to agree the boundaries you're comfortable with, would you see it as violation if they did it to you?

I know it's thought of as a sexy thing to do to your partner but I would certainly be uncomfortable in myself.

I once had a partner who said he couldn't wait for me to fall asleep so that he could "change my dreams" - he thought that masturbating me while I slept would give me erotic dreams. But his assumption that he could do this freaked me out.

So I guess my question to you all is whether you would think this was a normal thing for a partner to engage in, or whether you have specific things that need to be discussed/laid in law about your own body??

Replies/comments appreciated

[This message has been edited by NobodySaidItWasEasy (edited 08-09-2005).]


Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22471

Icon 1 posted      Profile for dailicious     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No. Masturbating someone while they are asleep is walking a thin line between what is okay and what is non-consensual and therefore rape.

I could possibly see if you discussed it thoroughly beforehand and understand what the other person was comfortable with; but still, no two situations are ever going to be the same. What if one night happened to be especially bad and that night wouldn't have been a night the partner wanted to do anything sexual even when awake?

I think it's just out of line in a relationship.


Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NobodySaidItWasEasy
Activist
Member # 24765

Icon 1 posted      Profile for NobodySaidItWasEasy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I guess my question is whether everyone feels like dailicious? is it something that would even occur to people to discuss, and, if so, what would they say?
Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I was molested in my sleep by an ex BF, so i may be a little biased, but ...

I would totally NOT be okay with this. It would be very different if i was okay with it and we'd talked about it prior to it happening ... Permission is needed, as far as i'm concerned. And even then ... I'm not that comfortable w/ it. You can't consent when you're not concious.

I understand that some people like it ... To each their own. It's not okay w/ me. My partner knows that, and understand that, and so we don't have a problem w/ this.

Is this an issue your relationship now?


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NobodySaidItWasEasy
Activist
Member # 24765

Icon 1 posted      Profile for NobodySaidItWasEasy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
no, i'm not currently in a relationship. In fact it's exactly because of this that i've lately had a lot of time to think about things and life and what one might or might not expect from a relationship.
Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Liam
Neophyte
Member # 24724

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Liam     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Frankly it would creep me out, there is a fine line between being touched in you sleep and being touched while saying no.
Posts: 17 | From: TX USA | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NobodySaidItWasEasy
Activist
Member # 24765

Icon 1 posted      Profile for NobodySaidItWasEasy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
i wonder where people would say the line should be drawn?

for example, most people would probably say that it's ok to give your sleeping partner a cuddle. But would it be alright to, say, touch a woman's breasts in such a cuddle? (i apologise to couples where there is no woman....i am just giving a very generalised example). and if it is alright to touch your partner's breasts while she is sleeping, is it alright to touch her bare skin? all over? should the line be drawn when it comes to entering the knickers?

i guess it's hard to define what kind of cuddle you can give.

[This message has been edited by NobodySaidItWasEasy (edited 08-09-2005).]


Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Gumdrop Girl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
this is one of those things you have to clear with your partner first. you can try for a blanket consent, but it's so much better to go on a case by case basis.

without explicit consent ahead of time, you really are treading molestation territory.

and personally, when i'm asleep, i like to stay asleep. i'm really cranky if i'm awakened, and it could result in some swinging of errant limbs.

------------------
LA County STD Hotline 1.800.758.0880
Toll free STD and clinic information, and condoms sent to your door for Los Angeles County residents.
1 in 3 sexually active people will be exposed to a STD by the time they turn 24.


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kisses Me Pink
Activist
Member # 24198

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kisses Me Pink     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Am I the only one who thinks that'd be kinda kinky? I'd love it. Maybe it's simply because I am in a relationship, one where there are almost no boundaries by now because we're so comfortable with each other and discuss almost everything. He knows what I like, and I know what he likes.

Although truthfully, it'd probobly never happen like that, because he's so considerate of my feelings and afraid for me to get mad at him. I highly doubt he'd do anything without my permission, and even if he did, I couldn't imagine me being mad about it anyway.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CEC523
Activist
Member # 23120

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CEC523     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As long as my partner and I had discussed it beforehand and it wasn't an every night thing, I don't really see anything wrong with it. I guess it would have to depend on how tired I was.. I think it would wake me up.

------------------
"Talking about music is like talking about sex. Can you describe it?"
-Bruce Springsteen


Posts: 124 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gubblebum
Activist
Member # 15249

Icon 1 posted      Profile for gubblebum     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think this is a real depends-on-the-circumstances case. In my opinion though, I think I would only touch my partner sexually while he was sleeping with the intent of waking him up so we could be together. And on the flip side, I'm fairly certain I would wake up if someone caressed me in my sleep.
Posts: 213 | From: Spain | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
morganlh85
Activist
Member # 785

Icon 1 posted      Profile for morganlh85     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My boyfriend does that sometimes, and I love it. I usually wake up after he starts, I'm not a really heavy sleeper or anything, and then we usually have sex. That's totally fine with me. I know that if he started doing that I told him to quit he would, so that's not a problem.
Posts: 304 | From: Pittsburgh PA | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
love_lust
Neophyte
Member # 22642

Icon 1 posted      Profile for love_lust     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think i would be a bit freaked out if my bf started doing that without ever talking to me about it first. If we had spoken about it beforehand and i agreed to it then i see no problem but your right in saying its hard to know where to draw the line. I suppose it depends on you as a couple and what you are both comfortable with.
Posts: 34 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ceresbaistat
Activist
Member # 23736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ceresbaistat     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
That is one of my favorite things to do to my boyfriend (and vice versa). It's never altered any of my dreams that I know of, but it's very nice to wake up to it.
Posts: 52 | From: Seabrook, TX | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NobodySaidItWasEasy
Activist
Member # 24765

Icon 1 posted      Profile for NobodySaidItWasEasy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
tinyrebel, do you do that every night? Cos that could get seriously aggravating? Or is it a more occasional thing when you just feel like a nice cuddle?
Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kisses_goodbye
Neophyte
Member # 24848

Icon 1 posted      Profile for kisses_goodbye     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I wouldent like it personally but if you talked to your partner before you went to sleep i think it would be ok otherwise no thats like rape.
Posts: 10 | From: Ventura CA United States | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ceresbaistat
Activist
Member # 23736

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ceresbaistat     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by NobodySaidItWasEasy:
tinyrebel, do you do that every night? Cos that could get seriously aggravating? Or is it a more occasional thing when you just feel like a nice cuddle?

Lol. No, it would get old fast for both of us if it was all the time. It's a favorite as an occasional surprise.


Posts: 52 | From: Seabrook, TX | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LadyLeila
Neophyte
Member # 25000

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LadyLeila     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
if you discuss this with your partner, i think as long as youre both happy it should be fine..

my boyfriend and i find it can be a bit of fun.. although we dont get the chance to sleep together often so the night ends up being more focussed on that sort of thing than sleeping anyway so its a bit different, and if we both just want to SLEEP then we sleep, its something you need to talk over

------------------
you are your own you, in everything you do


Posts: 1 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
summergoddess
Activist
Member # 11352

Icon 1 posted      Profile for summergoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It's definitely a situation that needs to be discussed together before it even happens at all. It has to have a mutual okayed for it to happen at all.

My fiance and I always wake up each other during the night if we want to have sex or do other sexual things. This is what we agreed on... waking up your partner before doing anything. It's more enjoyable when your partner is alert in knowing this is happening.

We don't really masterbate for the other a lot. It's really more of a occasional thing and it usually leads to sex anyway.

------------------
~Jules


Posts: 369 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kandy
Neophyte
Member # 24493

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kandy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As long as it's discussed beforehand I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe it's because my boyfriend and I have been together a long time and we're so comfortable but we do this occasionally and it's fun, although it's with the intent of the pleasure waking the other person up.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dani Rage
Neophyte
Member # 22203

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Dani Rage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As long as it's talked about and agreed with completely on both parts it's fine. That's not for me though. That would creep me out a bit if I woke up to that.

------------------
'Just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else'
www.danirage.com


Posts: 8 | From: New York City, NY, USA | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
latoya14
Neophyte
Member # 25161

Icon 1 posted      Profile for latoya14     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am new but i do have a response to your situation and i do believe that it is however very uncomfortable and you should talk to your partner and explain to him that thats not something you enjoy and he has to respect your body whether your sleep or awake. I personally would tell him upfront how i felt and if he didn't like it then thats something that he just would have to eal with because its all about respecting one anothers feelings or space.

------------------
{the purpose of having a username is so that you can keep your real name private, so change your sig line, ok?}

[This message has been edited by Gumdrop Girl (edited 08-31-2005).]


Posts: 4 | From: brooklyn newyork | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
*spacebag*
Neophyte
Member # 25188

Icon 1 posted      Profile for *spacebag*     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I think that if you had talked about it before hand then yes it is ok, but if you havn't then in a way it is a bit like rape
Posts: 29 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3