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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » How you told mom you want to have sex...

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Author Topic: How you told mom you want to have sex...
Member # 22361

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I just was wondering about how I should tell my mom I want to have sex. She and I have both had some funny conversations about and both end with her telling me "no sex b/c i'm not ready for you to have sex yet" it's pretty comical for the most part but I would love to know how you girls or guys have handled that special conversation to tell your mom you're ready...all advice/stories are welcome!
Posts: 9 | From: cs, PA, usa | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Queer Power
Member # 22292

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I'm not sure where your mom would come into the picture on this issue. By the time you feel emotionally/physically ready to have sex, I would think you could make personal decisions without your mom's approval?

Then again, it'd be awesome if you had a healthy and open enough relationship with your mom that you could talk to her and be honest about being sexually active.

Or did I misunderstand your question?

Posts: 52 | From: Kentucky | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 19043

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when my boyfriend and i decided to have sex, i didn't tell my mother about it. shes not the easiest person to talk to about stuff like that, we don;t have a very close relationship when it comes to sharing feelings, etc...

but one day she was rooting through my room (cleaning, she claims), and happened to find my stash of condoms. she told me she was very disappointed in me, and that i was taking a huge risk and making an important commitment to mike. all i said was that i'm old enough to make my own descions, and i know the consequences of my actions. i also added that it was better for her to find some than to not, at least we're taking all the precautions that we can (since im also on birth control)

she's never quite treated me the same after that, and doesn't really like my boyfriend much anymore, but that can't really be helped.

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Member # 22361

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Well mom just comes into the picture because i'm 17 and i can't quite go the the gyno without having that 'parental' factored in. Quite honestly i've told her that i will have sex if i want to becuase it's my decision and I can make it because i'm old enough and mature enough. i'm just not sure how to ask to have birth control, because i do want to be happy and healthy in my sex life and take all the precautions because otherwise it's just a bunch of worrying and not as much fun. So i was just wanting some stories or opinions to give me some ideas etc..but thanks!
Posts: 9 | From: cs, PA, usa | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22090

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Buahah. The day after it happened, I phoned her. I was like, "mooommm.... guess what happened?" We can't keep anything from each other. I have told her about my sex life ever since, and she thinks it is generally pretty funny. I love my mom.
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Member # 8636

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my parents are really not open about the sex thing. the one time I meantioned going on birth control (because my cramps are AWFUL) she was like "no way." and once I was like "mom, aren't u supposed to go to the gyno when you turn 16" so glared at me and said "your to young to go to a woman's doctor and walked away. luckily I have planned parenthood, and then I turn 18 in like 4 months. so it's not so bad. but its really not so fun to sneak around and hide birth control. I'd say just be blunt and DO talk to her if she wont kill you because not leting them know is no fun
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Member # 22486

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My mom basically had a talk with me the other day in which she asked if my boyfriend and I are having sex, and I told her no, because we aren't. I can see it happening in the near future, though, and my mom proposed the idea of going on birth control, and I'm considering it. Though it was a little embarassing to talk about that stuff, it's nice to know that she knows I'm human and that I don't have to go behind her back.

I think the most problems with teen pregnancy/STIs are from teens who have to hide their sex lives from their parents. Let's face it--we all have extremely active hormones and if given the opportunity, we are going to act on them. I wish more parents would take on the role of being responsible and informed and encouraging their children to do the same. I think there would be a lot less problems.

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Scarleteen Volunteer
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darlinglylovely, I think it is very brave of you and a good decision if you can talk to your mom and be open about your sex life and health. But, if there ever is anything you want to do without her knowing, go to a planned parenthood or similar clinic, because their services are almost 100% confidential (obviously not 100% for harmful behavior, but you get what I mean)

As for me, I haven't told my mom about my having sex with my boyfriend...

The largest reason I haven't is that she has told me she doesn't believe I'm old enough to make that kind of emotionally commitment. Her reasons are pushed more from the fact that she's been recently divorced from my dad and was in a relationship with him starting when she was 19. She feels she was not emotionally ready and that's why she was so hurt throughout the relationship, and just doesn't want the same thing happening to me. So for me, it's hard to talk to her, because I don't want her to feel disappointed in me or to worry.

Luckily I have her support with birth control because I've been taking it since I was 15 due to a condition that happens to some women during ovulation.

Now I'm rambling, but anyway, I hope everything goes well talking to your mom.

Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 21650

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I think it's great that you seek your mother's approval and wish to initiate this conversation. However, it is ultimately your decision and if you believe you're old enough to take the appropriate precautions and feel good about your decision then I don't think you should necessarily wait for your mother's okay. I mean, I don't know many parents who ever welcome the idea of their kids being sexually active with open arms. They may come to a point where they accept it and appreciate your honesty but I think it depends on what you're looking for as far as a response from your mother.

My mother unfortunately found out I was sexuall active when I told her I was pregnant at 17. She was so shocked, she still asked how it happened. Heh, that was definitely an ice breaker. I miscarried and after that, she just wanted to make sure I was using protection and would ask about it from time to time but I could tell she never came to a good point with it. More of a radical acceptance.

Good luck.

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Michelle Ravel
Member # 21100

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Here's what I did: I sort of prepared my mom for me having sex gradually.

About a month before I had sex, I started talking about sex in general with her a lot more. I sort of introduced the topic into the realm of comfort for us. We began having more sex discussions, and gradually I brought it around the the topic of me having sex, but keeping it all hypothetical and in the future tense. Then, one she was comfortable with that idea, I sprung the "I am going to have sex now," thing on her.

So it was all a very gradual and painless easing into the topic for my poor mother. If you have the courage, I would suggest everyone do this.

Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 21893

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With me, my mom one day asked why I hadn't been asking about birth control. She figured that since I'm older, going out with a boyfriend more often, and probably doing stuff that maybe I should be on the pill "just in case". I had actually considered it but was too afraid to ask about it. My mom and I discussed a few times me having sex. Needless to say, my mom helped me get an appointment and now I'm on the pill so she knows that I'm sexually active. We keep things open so it's easy for me to talk to her if I need to.
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confuzed bunny
Member # 22589

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im not that close with my mum, and she still treats me like im a little girly, and in a way thats the way i like it. if she found out that me and my bf had done it she wouldnt have that image of me being all innocent. not telling her isnt lieing. if you relly want 2 tell her, before you do just think of how it will change the way she sees you.

live each day like its your last

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Michelle Ravel
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That's true, bunny--but remember that it's not a bad thing for your parents to see you as an adult if you are acting like one. Unless there are real reasons to hide your sexual activity with your parents, it's much more beneficial for them to know about it. Even though it can be an uncomfortable discussion, it's a useful one.
Posts: 51 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 11352

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The first sex talk had happened when I was 15, and I was like no, i'm not having sex now which was the truth back then. I didn't have sex until I was almost 18. She assumed I was going to wait until marriage which in reality, I was NOT.

I didn't tell my mom that I had sex with my ex until she figured out three months later that I was already not a virgin but i had already broken up with my ex and I was on to my new boyfriend who is now my fiance. I had already turned 18 when she figured out/found out. So when thant happened, I explained to her that it's my choice, my body and my life. She wasn't happy at first, but she eventually accepted it and that there is nothing she can do about it. It's been 4 years since I lost my virginity (it was 2001) and i'm getting married to my fiance next year (May 2006). I'm moving out in almost a month from now (May 1st).

I want to say that when I was starting out with having sex, it was *just* condoms and then just about 2 months shy of my *sex* anniversary, I went on the pill and was it on it for almost a year and half before i switch to Depo (been on it for just about 2 years now).


[This message has been edited by summergoddess (edited 03-23-2005).]

Posts: 369 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22649

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My mum told me when i started goin out with my bf to go on the pill when we are ready and to tell her when I do,then 2months later she asked again.then about month later I told her that I was going on the took guts!but she just said ok thats im just waitin for my period so i can start the pill
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Member # 17368

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I wish my mom was like some of yours on here!!! my mom is COMPLETELY the opposite of most of your moms! Well, im still a virgin, and im 19 years old. (which is good I hear!) and well, im the only girl in my house, I have 2 older brothers. My mom says that since me being the only girl in the family, and all, she wou;d like me to stay a virgin until I get married. She wants me to do it the right way because she says that theres some guys that just want that (sex) and thats it. I tell her that there are SOME guys like that, thats' why its good to get to know the person well before any type of intercourse. My mom tells me that if she EVER finds out that I had sex or something that she would be really dissapointed and im sure she might even kick me out from my house! So when I do end up doing it, I think I wouldnt tell her! I dont know how I would keep it from her though because we are very close! but I dont think she'd ever be ready to hear that im having sex or anything! I dont know what im gonna do with her when I do start having sex!
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Member # 22696

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I was with this guy at his fraternity house, he wanted to, I said okay, and it just kind of happened. I was a little blindsided, but not really upset by the whole thing. I called my mom a few days later and said, "Mom, I think it's time for me to go on birth control, because I had sex four days ago." She was pretty shaken by my little announcement, so I took care of birth control by myself on my college campus. It bothers her that I'm not in a serious relationship and still have sex, but it would bother her more if I got pregnant or caught something. The bottom line is that my mom, like most mothers, would rather I be safe than sorry, and that includes birth control and condoms.
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Member # 22740

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i totally don't know how to tell my mom, cuz she doesn't even know i'm dating the guy! me and him dated before, then we took a break cuz i wasn't sure if i was ready for commitment(this was about 9 months into the relationship) and then after a month we got back together. but she hasn't liked him since she, uh, saw a hickey on my neck lol. so anyways she 'forbid' me to go out with him again, even tho i told her it was just a break. so tonight was the night i lost my virginity, and i'm now waiting for her to come home in about an hour, dunno if i'll be able to look at her... any suggestions for me?

ThE ((WorLd)) is GoiNg TO GiVe Us A [MiLLioN] reAsoNs wHy -*-ThiS-*- woN'T WoRk. aLL wE NeeD iS ~!oNe!~ GoOd ReAsoN pRovinG tHem ThAt It WiLL.
LoVe is FrienDshiP.. SeT oN FiRe.
Blessed Be!

[This message has been edited by faeriechild (edited 03-31-2005).]

Posts: 2 | From: Wingham, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22744

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My boyfriend and I were engaged in intercourse one afternoon and in my rush to catch a ride to class, we left the baggie we had put the condom in (to be later disposed of outside in the dumpster) on the counter.
My mom called me at class... She said she had thought it was a bag of lemons?!?

Yellow was her favorite color. She'd once said, "Yellow is the only color that can freeze-frame time. You don't even know if you're allowed to stop or go on. But it's the color that hurts my head the most too."

Posts: 5 | From: Chicago, Illinois | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22361

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HEy! Just an update! I told mom about wanting the exam and birthcontrol and, she took a few days to think it over and we came to the conclusion that it was my decison and I understood the health risks and i would hopefully be smart about it all. I make my dr. appointment tomorrow! she was just happy that i told her to begin with. Thanks to everyone who shared their stories!
Posts: 9 | From: cs, PA, usa | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22833

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Thats Great that everything went well!
I have no idea how it would go with my mom if I told her when I had sex. I am a virgin, I am 16 and I just haven't found "the one", anyway, My mom has always said "be open and honest, I won't be mad" but I have a feeling that If I told he she would flip. I have jokingly said "mom, when should I go to the gyno?" and the reaction was... interesting. She is kinda skiddish just talking about sex in general. We have an on going sex talk lol, but it is just the basics... nothing about oral sex, anal sex, Condoms, the pill... nothing like that. So I am not sure how that one will go with her. As for my dad, He would be very very upset.

Posts: 3 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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