posted
i was a dancer for 16 years so i assume my hymed has been torn but im also a tiny girl so im really scared that losing my virginity will hurt. some people say it hurts really bad and some say it didnt at all. im also scared to bleed- do you always bleed? bc that would be emberassing
Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Just as you said, first time sex will hurt for some, and others will find that it simply didn't hurt at all. As I said in your other post, having a "tiny vagina" has nothing to do with whether or not it will hurt for you. No, people do not always bleed. However, if you are comfortable with your partner (which is key in a healthy sexual relationship), bleeding should not be embarassing.
Posts: 169 | From: Phoenix, AZ | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I was 17 when I lost my virginity, and it didn't hurt me at all. I am not athletic (unless you count marching band), and I don't masturbate. It wasn't the best experience I ever had, but that's usually the story when it's your first time.
Posts: 76 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I lost my virginity a few months ago actually, and I'm a small girl too. I was in dance for a few years before that, I was also sure my hymen was broken before too because I masturbated with toys. But still, when I first had sex, if you're scared, just ask them to be gentle It hurt when he first entered, but afterwards, you'll feel better. I didn't bleed when I first had sex, but I don't think it'll be like mensturating amount.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2003
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posted
I have been dancing for many years and I'm 5'2 and around 100 lbs. When I lost my virginity, it really didn't hurt me all that much. I think a lot of it has to do with your pain threshhold level and how big the guy you're having sex with is. Also, how relaxed you are. As all these people before me said... it all depends and varies from person to person. And not everyone bleeds. From what I know, most girls do bleed a little bit at some point. I didn't bleed much my first time. The second time, I bled a fair amount though. Bleeding isn't abnormal unless it's a large quantity.
------------------ .:*starlet
[This message has been edited by starlet (edited 11-04-2004).]
[This message has been edited by starlet (edited 11-04-2004).]
posted
I'm a runner and I do a lot of stretching, so I had assumed that my hymen would have been at least stretched some. When I had sex the first time, it hurt A LOT at first, but eventually the pain went away during the sex. I didn't bleed or hurt afterwards (that surprised me).
Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
don't worry about it. I am also very very tiny. And I have a boyfriend who has above average penis size. When we had sex for the first time, there was some pain, but no bleeding. All I can say, is just take your time. Make sure you are turned on. Because if you are not, it WILL hurt.
Posts: 3 | From: Tomah, WI, USA | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
i have not had sex, but i read somewhere, and have heard from others who have had sex, that you want to be well lubricated. the less friction, the less pain Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Hey, I just had sex for the first time about 3 weeks ago, and it sort of hurt at first but once it was in it was fine, it actually felt kind of good. I did not bleed. The main thing that you can do to make sure that it doesn't hurt so much is make sure that you are in to it and that you aren't too nervous, because when you are nervous you are tighter which makes it hurt more. The second time is even better!
Posts: 1 | From: Canada | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
My first time didn't hurt. My boyfriend was more worried about causing me pain than I was about feeling it.
I found that sex didn't really feel like ANYTHING until about a month or a month and a half after I started having sex. It didn't hurt, but I basically felt nothing.
If you're worried, use plenty of lubricant, go slow, and stop of you think it hurts too much. Pain is usually the body's way of telling us something is wrong. You can stop, relax, add some more lubricant, and try again.
Nothing about it should be that embarrassing if you're having sex with someone whom you're comfortable with, which is important anyway.
posted
I am very curious, and have to ask this; why has every dancer that has posted in this thread felt that just by being a dancer their hymen would somehow be stretched? Is it a sort of dancer mythology thing that being a dancer means the hymen is somehow affected?
In most cases, doing the splits all the way should have absolutely NO impact on the hymen. The only way the hymen gets stretched is by something stretching it directly, for example by putting something in the vagina.
I am not asking to be a pill, I am just curious why this seems to be a commonly held belief. Anyone remember where they got that idea?
posted
I'm not a dancer, at least not anymore, but I know that rigorous physical activity can sometimes help in the stretching of the hymen, however, I believe your workout would have to be EXTREMELY, and I use that term very literally, rigorous in order for it to have much impact on the hymen at all.
Posts: 3979 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Actually, Barbarosa, one of my cloesest friends and a longtime colleague is in the process of doing the first ever extensive history of virginity, and has read and found more current and historical information on hymens than anyone any of us know. It's pretty amazing, and exhaustive.
That said, general to very intense physical activity of various types CAN often make a difference with hymenal erosion (though it's hardly limited to dancers), which explains a lot of cultural history wherein peasants were more often, via hymen "tests," found NOT to be virgins by the state of their hymens, rather than sexual activity, and royalty were not.
In addition, puberty itself, and the rising estrogens, do slowly wear away the hymen in many women, so that plenty of women who've had no vaginal penetration can have hymens which are only partial or even completely "worn away" (to the degree they do).
But "stretching" really also isn't the right word to be used here, for a lot of reasons.
posted
There is an another reason losing virginity hurts for some - nerves and fear. I used to be pretty athletic and used tampons for some time so I asume that my hymen went bye bye when I was around 14, but I was shaking and I was really, really, I mean, REALLY scared when I lost it, especially in the 10 minutes before it, and naturally I tightened up. It hurt like hell for the first couple of seconds because of that. Not a good start, hey? I guess it hurts people that much not only because of the hymen but because they tighten up because they expect it to hurt. When one is relaxed and aroused, it shouldn't hurt as much. To me, it was more like oh-let's-get-this-whole-loss-of-virginity-thing-over-with -it-will-hurt-so-I-might-aswell-go-through-with-it-as-soon -as-possible. Don't be like me.
Posts: 105 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
And the truth is, Crimson, pain is much more likely to be for reasons like that -- lack of full arousal due to worry, anxiety, fear, etc. -- than it is because of an incredibly thin membrane, which in plenty of women, is patrial to begin with and flexible enough it often won't cause pain or discomfort.
Posts: 39745 | From: Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
i was 15 when i lost my virginity and for me it hurt quite a bit, actually, thats all i remember, was the pain. of course i was 5'3" and 110lbs at the time and he was about 6'2" and 180lbs and he was very um..well endowed. i didnt have sex for a long time after that because i was scared of the pain but when i did start having sex again with my boyfriend, it only hurt the first time and then it didn't so i think it depends on how big the guy is and how many times youve had sex before it stops hurting. i have a friend whos had sex with her boyfriend alot, but it just stopped hurting her.
Posts: 31 | From: White Rock, BC, Canada | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
(Actually, size often has little to do with it. Body size makes no difference, because a 4'10 man can have a larger penis and a 6'4 man a smaller one, and women of ANY body size's vaginal openings and canals are bascially just as flexible when aroused and able to comfortably accomodate *most *penis sizes when theire partners are slow and folks are communicating about depth, etc.
Again, a lot of this comes down to things like arousal, lubrication, feelings of safety, patience, and so forth.)
posted
I had sex for the first time last week. I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't hurt - because it did. My hymen was already broken through horseriding and gymnastics and wearing a tampon. I was really worried about how much it would hurt. My boyfriend is quite big, and it was the stretching of my pc muscles that caused the pain. We had to keep stopping coz it hurt to much, my boyf was really good about it. Bled a little after it too, wasn't embarrassing tho, just said to him "You made me bleed, you git", he was apologetic but didnt mind.
Was sore for a couple of days after. Looking back tho, the pain wasn't completely unbearable, and i'm sure everyone is different.
And from this experience i have learnt that even with the pain it can be an enjoyable experience if your with the right guy. Don't worry about first time sex, if your having doubts- you shouldnt do it, your not ready. When you are ready, youll just know, it will feel right. Don't let yourself be pressured into sex, because he want you to, or coz all your friends are doing it. Having sex with a guy wont cement your relationship, or make you stronger. Make sure you do it the first time with a guy who is with you because he simply wants to be with you, be around you, not coz he's horny any wants sex.
Posts: 1 | From: Exeter, uk | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
The above advice might seem commonsense,but common sense is not very common. Extra advice: Everything above applied to me, but I was afraid that I would never be the same again after I did it, and I was shaking, and so was he, because I was shaking, and I made him sad because I was scared. I was the one to make the first step, and I never seen him naked before that, and he hasn't seen me naked, and I wasn't even comfortable with the idea of touhing someone else's genitalia with my hands(not talking about oral sex). He comforted me and left the room for some time to give me space to think, but we ended up doing it anyway. Don't be like me. If you're scared or uncomfortable, say no straight away. If you start feeling like a cocktease and think that you're obligated to finish what you started (like me), slap yourself on the face mentally and say what you feel like saying. DO NOT BE LIKE ME.
------------------ OH NO! THE CRIMINAL IN CRIMSON IS OUT ON THE LOOSE! Warning: The said individual dresses in a bright red tuxedo and carries a cartoonishly large red pencil. Upon sighting a frowning person the said individual corners them and doodles all over their face. Beware.
Posts: 105 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
(Crimson, it takes serious ovaries to post something so personal about one's mistakes or errors, especially about something so personal. I've no doubt others benefit from it: that was very selfless of you.)
Posts: 39745 | From: Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
my first time was amazing it was the biggest emotional ride i've ever been on... i did bleed a lil and it did hurt but once it got goin it was okay. (it's like that everytime. always hurts a lil at first. just accomidating!) i find that i actually think the pain is sweet... i am deeply in love with my boyfriend, and i could never have given it up to anyone else nor will i ever be with anyone else. it's more of a sensual way of thinking about the pain. making it seem sweet.. or maybe i'm insane but that's how i see it. we both cried our first time (his first first as well) and it just really meant alot. when done with the right person the pain doesn't even matter. Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Well, when I first had intercourse, i had not pain at all (and I am definitely not an athlete). It's different for every woman. My friend said that it did hurt her when she had sex for the first time.
But, oh well. LUCKY ME !
The only pain i have ever experienced was when my cervix kept getting bumped. It's not really painful than uncomfy, but a little communication and acrobatal adjustment remedied the problem.
[This message has been edited by Shann2002 (edited 11-20-2004).]
Posts: 127 | From: Da Dirty South | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
Just like the rest of the people said sometimes it hurts and for some it does not. For me my first time did hurt to the point which brought tears. It hurts when the guy is trying to open you up as a saying but as soon as he is in the pain seem to go away. It may hurt even after the first time it hurt for me until the third time then i relaxed and he relaxed and everything went up hill from that. But my advice to you is don't do anything until you are sure you are ready because haveing sex is a very big step.
Posts: 63 | From: SouthCarolina | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
First of all: are you fully aroused and relaxed before trying penetration, and are you using lots of lube? Those are essentials.
If you are, and you're still getting this amount of pain, then it's time to consult a gyno (which you should be doing regularly anyway). It may be that you have an unusually tough hymen which needs to be snipped under local anaesthetic, or that there's some othet physical problem that needs to be dealt with.
posted
It didnt hurt me. And you can trust me on that. I lost it yesterday. I always heard it had hurt and it didn't hurt me at all. It all depends on the person.
And oh yea to the chick that started this topic. I've been a dancer for all my life too. So who knows? That could have something to do with it.
------------------ ~I'll Never Get Tired Of The Taste Of Your Mouth~
-Allyson!!
Posts: 5 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Hi, I'm a guy who is fairly experienced sexually. However, my current girlfriend, who I have plans to marry, is a virgin. We've tried sex but she winces in pain and says it hurts too badly. Also, her legs are involuntarily pushing me out as a reflex to the pain. Please give me some advice as you seem to have a great wealth of information on this subject.
Posts: 2 | From: Montgomery, AL, USA | Registered: Jan 2005
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get BOTH water-based lube and condoms. the lube eases penetration. Astroglide is great. KY liquid is easy to find. drug stores stock lube next to the condoms. also, spend plenty of time making her comfortable and sexually aroused, otherwise, she's just going to tense up again.
posted
Me & my boyfiend spent all of last friday night & saturday morning together and it was the closed I'd been to a guy before and vise versa, and we really felt comfortable with each other and got really turned on. And since then we've decided to lose it to each other next time we're alone like that. But I'm really scared incase it'll hurt and I'll bleed, he's not like presurising me into it or anything because hes sayin that it might hurt me and he doesnt want to hurt me so I've got to be sure I want to do it, which I do but is there anyways I can stop it hurtin as much?
Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
i lost my virginity when i was 15 (now 21) and to be honest, it didnt exactly hurt, it just felt like a burning sensation.
all my mates told me that i would bleed but i didnt at all
the first few times me and my partner did it it did sting a little but after that it didnt hurt at all.
i think it hurt so much the first time because i was tensing up alot and that didnt help and also the fact that we didnt use any lubricant (which you shouldnt have to use anyway) because if your aroused enough it should be okay
hope this info helps
Posts: 1 | From: nottinghamshire, england | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
My first time did hurt, but it wasn't a whole lot. Getting a bad scratch hurts more. I thought it would be a lot worse for me, as I've been told I am very small down there and I still had alot of physoclogical hang ups about sex. The pain was more just uncomfortable, but it was enough so that we had to keep trying for a little while before having full on intercourse, but once I overcame it was pretty much gone for good. And sex proved to be well worth the work I'd put into overcoming the pain...both in pleasure and in intamcy.
Most of the pain just comes from being nervous about it, and not being aroused enough.
Oddly enough I didn't bleed until almost three months after I first started having sex. Not sure why that was, I'd never heard of that before, but we didn't think much on it.
quote:Originally posted by kmarie: i think it hurt so much the first time because i was tensing up alot and that didnt help and also the fact that we didnt use any lubricant (which you shouldnt have to use anyway) because if your aroused enough it should be okay
While the vagina can produce enough lubrication to facilitate painless intercourse, it does not produce enough to use a condom safely, without significant risk of tearing. As condoms are an important part of STD protection, lube is absolutely necessary even when a woman is fully aroused. Furthermore, the amount of lubrication that a woman produces varies all the time, depending on the woman, the time in her cycle etc. It is possible for a woman to feel very aroused, but to still want a little lube to make any sort of penetration more comfortable.
posted
I lost my virginity about a week ago to my wonderful boyfriend. We have been dating for about 7 months and we know how each other respond to certain things, which makes sex a lot easier. Communication is a very good thing. My first time hurt because I was not turned on enough. We had to stop and go the whole time. After discovering on this site that being turned on helped, my second time was A WHOLE LOT BETTER. It was amazing. I also bled a little too, which was not embarassing because my boyfriend understood. In fact, I think he kinda wanted to "pop my cherry." I guess the main thing is being fully aroused, for me having an orgasm before helps even more.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
it didnt hurt that bad for me. there was some moderate pain for about 5 seconds, then i was ok
Posts: 74 | From: New York | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I was not that worried about my first time until I read this thread, and now I'm starting to be very worried. I was planning to do it on Tuesday, however now I'm having second thoughts if there is much pain that goes along with it. Also, I didn't buy lube and it sounds like that is pretty necessary to limit the pain, so I should probably get that first, right?
Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Check this out, it'll be of help to you in knowing what you need to be prepared, and what you should evaluate to really determine your own preparedness: Ready or Not? The Readiness Checklist.
And remember: you always get to change your mind. If getting more in touch with the reality of this stuff makes you feel like maybe Tuesday is too soon for you, or like you'd like more time to consider evrything, that should NEVER be a problem with a partner.
posted
I'm of small build, and trust me, that has virtually no effect on sex. Well, unless you're with somebody who's 7ft tall and 400 pounds, but I think that would be awkward for most people..(Big differences in height tend to make even kissing awkward, don't they?)
Anyway, if you're actually ready(calm, aroused, etc) it doesn't really hurt. It may feel strange or a little uncomfortable, but pain shouldn't really be a problem.
I only felt a little discomfort, and I didn't bleed at all.
I've always been physically active (climbing trees, dancing, playing Dance Dance Revolution, running, etc) , so I'm partially convinced that being in shape and healthy helps out when it comes to sex.
posted
I waited until just a couple months ago to lose my virginity [I'm 18], and it didn't hurt at all. My boyfriend is pretty well-endowed also. However, I did bleed quite a bit, and it stung the first time I peed afterwards. Trust me, though, I had the same worry you did, and everything turned out perfectly fine.
Posts: 6 | From: Onalaska, Wisconsin, US | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Just relax...don't be nervous just take it REALLY Slow. If you are nervous about any other components of having sex and losing your virginity go to sexetc.org and ask other people what it was like for them...SO MANY people will talk to yoU!
quote:Originally posted by ana: i was a dancer for 16 years so i assume my hymed has been torn but im also a tiny girl so im really scared that losing my virginity will hurt. some people say it hurts really bad and some say it didnt at all. im also scared to bleed- do you always bleed? bc that would be emberassing
posted
Well, I suppose I must say the same as everyone else - it'll hurt for some people, but not for others.
The first time I had sex it hurt quite a bit, but I mostly chalk it up to nerves - even though I was certainly in the mood, I was still nervous about it. I bled a bit the first time, and a bit more after the second, though I had been expecting that so I wasn't worried.
posted
I think that the only reason I had a "good" first time is because my boyfriend and I didn't let every little thing be a big deal. There were a lot of things that could have made it a bad experience had we allowed them.
I didn't have any pain...at least not the kind of pain you are thinking of. My boyfriend has pretty bony hips and the next day there were a couple painful bruises on my inner thighs. Boy needs to eat more I tell ya. I still get those bruises sometimes if I don't watch what he's doing with those pointy little hips.
I actually think my boyfriend was in more pain than I was though. You see at that point in his life he was sleeping on an air matress on the floor, not having a real bed or frame. If you have ever slept on an air matress you will know of course that if it loses even a small amount of air then when you roll too close to the edge the side you are on will deflate a little and the other side will take the extra air and you will make a sort of ramp out of the thing. Well, I'm sure you can guess that what I just described happened and he was closest to the edge, and he rolled right off that thing and smacked his head on the edge of his dresser which was next to the "bed". (he would never admit that any such thing happened)
But thankfully we are both a little too light hearted to allow a silly thing like that to bother us. I think that bleeding a little is in the same catagory.
Posts: 50 | From: Alberta Canada | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Although I have not lost my virginity, I don't really see the point in worrying about it. I intend to do lots of foreplay, use lots of lubrication, take it slow and steady and laugh at myself!
Posts: 6 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Im afraid to lose my virginity. Does it hurt? will i bleed ? will it burn? How does it feel? What do i need to know?
Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
For me it took 3 seperate attempts but once you get over the shock that it may hurt you just go through with it then the pain subsides as he rows in and out of you. And like most others it really feels like nothing. But actually the bigger the guy's penis is the more painful I find it so I dunno what this whole huge penis craze is about
Posts: 6 | From: P.G. County, Maryland, USA | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I lost my virginity a month ago. I was really nervous the first time but it only hurt a little bit going in. My b/f is not very big, 5", so maybe that made it better. Posts: 7 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
When I lost my virginity, I didn't have a hymen to speak of, but I've always been hypersensitive. I don't use tampons because they hurt me too much. But I'd been sexually involved with my boy for almost two years, and we'd done most other things. We toook it really slow, with lots of foreplay.
It did hurt at first, and it was also sort of shocking. I'd never felt anything like it before. It helped me for him to not move for a little while, so that I could get used to the feeling.
Nerves make it worse--you get all clenched up. relax, and lose it to someone you feel safe with. It's not that big of a deal, really.
Posts: 31 | From: Illinois | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
ive tried several times with my boyfriend... but it REALLY hurts and I cant handle it for very long. it doesnt seem to matter how aroused or relaxed i am or how much lube we use. it just hurts. we've decided just to give it up for now and do other things instead.
Posts: 69 | From: NC, US | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
ax, that's a good idea. but don't think of it as "giving up" - just trying something else.
me and my guy had to try three times before we got anywhere, and it was very uncomfortable for me. the first time we were able to have sex, it didn't hurt so much as i thought it would... because i wasn't tense, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
it helps when your partner (people have these worries regardless of orientation) knows that you feel nervous. my bf was very supportive, patient, and when i said it wasn't important for me to have an orgasm, he said, "No, that really is important! you don't need to have them all the time, but you do need to be enjoying yourself."
you might feel aroused and relaxed physically, but if your brain (and some people would say your heart) don't kick in, it won't feel good. for me, it took almost 2 months until sex actually started feeling good. i didn't know that i wasn't fully relaxed/aroused until my mind & thoughts got put on hold. it was almost like being in a meditative state. and that was cool.
Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
The first time i had sex i was so convinced it was going to hurt, i was shaking like crazy. Then in fact it turned out not to hurt me at all. no pain, no discomfort, no bleeding, nothing what so ever. all i can say is that when they used to hang the bed sheets out as proof a marriage had been consumated, no one would have believed me if i'd told them i'd slept with my husband. I suppose though mine didnt hurt because of all the karate training i used to do.i know i broke my hymen during fighting one time and i'm super flexible because of all the kicking and splits etc so i was well stretched out. i suppose it also helped that i was very relaxed with him when we had sex. Yet my friend was in so much pain the first time she had sex she had to stop and she bled quite a bit afterwards as well and she's a dancer. so it definitely shows how it varies from woman to woman.
-------------------- 'There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.' Posts: 228 | From: united kingdom | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I have been told I'm very 'tight' down there. I was wondering if anyone also is and has any experiences they can tell me, to put me at peace of mind for losing my virginity very soon with my great boyfriend. Thanks
Posts: 3 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Read Miz Scarlet's article, "Is that all there is?" and "From ow to wow" for starters. You should read the "are you ready" checklist, and you might want to take it with your boyfriend.
I was also 'tight' - still am somewhat. As other posters have said, communicate with your guy so that he knows you might be nervous/tense. You don't have to go from no sex to intercourse right away either. It's totally fine to "try" having sex for the first time in stages.
Be patient. Sex isn't a goal; there's no reason to do it very soon, immediately, by the time you're 18, or whenever. You should only have sex when you're totally ready.
Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
hey...im 16 and im still a virgin...i admit that yes im a little scared to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time but i love hm with all my heart and we have a great relationship and i know he'll take care of me... im just worried about it hurting alot!! being my first time and all but also he has a BIG penis...how much will it hurt and how could i keep it from not hurting so much?
Posts: 13 | From: Trenton On | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Penis size actually doesn't make much of a difference. What you can do to reduce any discomfort you might feel is make sure you're fully aroused and relaxed before attempting any sort of penetration (maybe even have an orgasm first), and use plenty of lube. And take it slow. There's no rush, and if it turns out that you need to do it in stages, that's totally fine. Communicate with your partner, and if you're feeling uncomfortable about anything, don't hesitate to slow down or stop.
-------------------- "Every time we liberate a woman, we liberate a man." ~Margaret Mead Posts: 2277 | From: Townsville, QLD, Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I lost my virginity at 15, and I was beyond nervous. The first attempt it hurt really bad because I was shaking uncontrollably but the second attempt was a success. It did hurt a little because I was nervous, but I was aroused at the same time, and I had no bleeding.
It is different for everyone, it may hurt a little for some people, while others feel no pain at all, it just depends on how aroused you are. You need to make sure that if and when you have sex, you use lots of lubrication and a condom
-------------------- Yesterday is history Tomorrow is mystery Today is a gift
Like a lot of people have said, it really depends. For some it will hurt, and for others it won't.
I'm 18 and I lost my virginity last month. It did hurt, but really not as much as I thought it would. It was more of a stretching pain. At least, that's how I would describe it.
I think the most important thing to having a good experience the first time is to completely trust your partner, and feel comfortable with everything. If you don't feel comfortable, say so. Communication is extremely important.
During my first time, it hurt, and I asked my bf to not move for a little bit until I got used to the feelings. He did what I asked, and we held each other until I felt ready. It was really sweet.
Plus, I didn't bleed at all.
So, despite some pain, I have very fond memories of my first time.
-edited because I thought of something else to say ----> Use lots of lube! My first time wouldn't have been nearly so enjoyable without that!
posted
Gosh this brought it all back, but I'm going to be honest about what my first time was like so no-one makes the mistakes I did.
Firstly, it didn't hurt at all. I'm small (5ft 4), but I have a very high pain threshold and I was very aroused.
Secondly, I had my hymen broken manually beforehand. That took a while since it was quite tough, but again, I have a high pain threshold. It did bleed quite a lot, but it came out in one big gush rather than over time. I think popping the hymen first is a good strategy, I wouldn't have liked to have it broken by a penis.
Thirdly, although it didn't hurt, it was emotionally the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced to date. Here are the reasons, my bf didn't really want to do it and we both quite drunk. I tried to do it on top of him at first, but due to drunken clumsiness, I gave up and did it missionary instead. Big mistake. My bf is much bigger than me (about 6ft 4) and I felt crushed.
He tried to go down on me at first, but I foolishly told him he didn't have to, because of two reasons:
1) I thought I could get off with just penetration. 2) I didn't much like the thought that I might have to give him a bj to "compensate" for him going down on me. I still had this stupid idea in my head that men found oral sex degrading and only did it as a chore, and that if he did it to me I would HAVE to return the favour. Again, I now believe it's important to orgasm before penetrative sex, because a woman's needs are just as important.
I didn't use any lube, because I thought I wouldn't need it. I didn't really because it didn't hurt. I produce a LOT of natural fluid. But if I was using a condom, I would use lube too, because I wouldn't want it to tear.
There was no communication, it was silent and sad. I should have told him what do do to make the penetration more enjoyable, because I definitely had my own ideas about what would turn me on - but you know the whole atmosphere just made it uncomfortable and I wasn't used to talking about sex explicitly (I'm British and come from a religious background).
He actually aplogised for cumming, which made me want to slap him - because the whole idea of it, I thought, was for us to enjoy ourselves. Immediately afterwards, he said it was the stupidest thing that he'd ever done and didn't even want to talk to me or make eye contact, because he was so "disappointed in himself" or something to that effect.
I was on birth control pills but didn't use a condom - I think that's what freaked him out. We were both still virgins so I figgered the risk from infection wouldn't be that great (I was stupid), but he was totally freaked out and worried. He pretty much ignored me for days afterwards - I only got one hug from him on the train home afterwards.
It broke my heart - we were very much in love. He has Asperger's Syndrome, so the only way he can deal with stressful situations is by withdrawing himself. I had to pretend I was totally okay with it and then wait for him to fall asleep so I could cry. I didn't want to look like the weak little woman. We hadn't really talked about sex before, it was a spur of the moment thing.
The one good thing that came out of it is that although our relationships did eventually break up (we got back to together and tried again to make it work, but there was just too much bad vibes there), is that I'm still close friends with him and we still love each other in a Platonic sense. I talk about sex with him a lot more now that we've broken up, funnily enough.
It really, really hurt me emotionally - but I'm so glad that he's still such a good friend to me these days.
quote:I think popping the hymen first is a good strategy, I wouldn't have liked to have it broken by a penis.
Except that it's pretty rare a hymen is "popped" or "broken" at all.
The hymen generally erodes, in stages, over time. And not just from any form of vaginal penetration: estrogens, menses, vaginal discharges and general physical activity are all contributors.
If, by the time someone is well into their teens, their hymen does NOT appear to be sloughing off at all, the small holes in it not widening, that suggests a more resilient hymen. That's not what you'd call rare, but it's not exactly common either. However, in those cases -- when it is really painful, even with just a finger, even with lots of arousal and lubrication, it's generally best to see a GYN about it, because there's just no need for that process.
And if you had a lot of bleeding, that suggests that may have been the boat you were in. But for most women well into or past puberty, their experience will not/need not mimic yours: it's even possible your bleeding was only due in part to hymenal issues, especially if, as you say, you weren't using lubricant as needed.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • S.E.X: Get my book! Knowledge is power. Information is power. The secreting or hoarding of knowledge or information may be an act of tyranny camouflaged as humility. - Robin Morgan Posts: 39745 | From: Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I lost my viginity to my now husband a little more than four years ago. Living in the country I actually lost my virginty on a big goose neck trailer in a barn. It took two times for me. The first time I made him stop after about two thrusts it just hurt real bad I didn't have a hymen so I didn't bleed but the second time we went all the way. I guess the best advice I can give is make sure you know enough about sex and the risks involved because where I grew up nobody talks about sex and I knew nothing about it. I had never even seen a penis or even a picture of one before I saw my then boyfriend's. So as long as you read all the replies here you should be fine and please remember to us protection I didn't even know there was a such thing as protection. Research anything you have questions about because the best thing you can do is be knowledgeable about what you are fixing to do.
Posts: 6 | From: Texas | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:I think popping the hymen first is a good strategy, I wouldn't have liked to have it broken by a penis.
Except that it's pretty rare a hymen is "popped" or "broken" at all.
The hymen generally erodes, in stages, over time. And not just from any form of vaginal penetration: estrogens, menses, vaginal discharges and general physical activity are all contributors.
If, by the time someone is well into their teens, their hymen does NOT appear to be sloughing off at all, the small holes in it not widening, that suggests a more resilient hymen. That's not what you'd call rare, but it's not exactly common either. However, in those cases -- when it is really painful, even with just a finger, even with lots of arousal and lubrication, it's generally best to see a GYN about it, because there's just no need for that process.
And if you had a lot of bleeding, that suggests that may have been the boat you were in. But for most women well into or past puberty, their experience will not/need not mimic yours: it's even possible your bleeding was only due in part to hymenal issues, especially if, as you say, you weren't using lubricant as needed.
I wasn't putting forward my experience as something other girls should or will have - quite the opposite! I know for most girls, the hymen erodes over time, but mine didn't.
Having my hymen broke was really no big deal though, so I'm just suggesting that if a girl still has a lot of hymen intact at the time she wants to first have sex - perhaps doing it with pentrative sex isn't the best idea?
I couldn't have waited for my hymen to break, that would probably take the best part of decades! I could've got it done by a doctor, but having it done manually wasn't so bad.
I didn't bleed after sex, just after my hymen was popped, so it probably was my hymen.
posted
Hi, well I am 18 and my girlfriend is 16. We have been going out for almost a year now. We are both virgins and though i have had the chance to many times before i have always turned it down because i want it to be special. Well i have finally found someone who i want to be "the one". I am EXTREMELY worried about causing her pain. We have experimented and done alot of oral sex, and i would stay with only that if it is going to hurt alot. I read this forum and lik 30 other sites and have read responses anywhere from "omg it hurt so bad and i was sore for the next 2 days" to "didnt hurt at all" and alot of in between. My girlfriend and I are very open and I know she masturbates with a vibrator, and her hymen is not intact anymore. And though i've always been proud of it, being quite on the large side im really scared of hurting her. We had talked about it alot and once i decided i wanted to (after her surprisingly?), i got really worried about hurting her. She has said that "some one will eventually hurt her and she would rather it be me than anyone else" so im here for ANY advice to make it the absolutely least painful for her. I will buy lube and condoms. But is there anything else? Are certain positions better for making it less painful (like if she has to lower herself down onto it she can stop when it gets painful right? thank you in advance.
Posts: 1 | From: middle of nowhere | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Hey, Fuse (nifty handle, btw) it's great to hear that you're so concerned about your girlfriend's well-being. The first thing you can do is sit down with her and read the following:
The thing is, is that first intercourse is going to be a bit different for everyone. Whether or not your girlfriend experiences much pain will depend on whether or not she's 100% aroused and relaxed, her pain tolerance, and the amount of lube being used. Size doesn't actually have much to do with it, as the vaginal canal can expand to fit a baby through, so any size penis is going to fit just fine.
It might also be a good idea to help her shed the mindset that intercourse is absolutely going to be horribly painful the first time. Being in that sort of headspace will only add to any tension she's feeling, which will likely increase any pain she might experience.
So, start with that information, read the article, and if you have any more questions, come on back and fire away.
-------------------- "Every time we liberate a woman, we liberate a man." ~Margaret Mead Posts: 2277 | From: Townsville, QLD, Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
"It might also be a good idea to help her shed the mindset that intercourse is absolutely going to be horribly painful the first time." "
Oh gosh, that sounds like me :S.
I've tried having intercourse with my boyfriend 5 times. Everytime, it hasn't worked, it's been too painful for me! The first time, I really thought, well, I know its going to hurt, whatever. Then when it actually did, I got freaked out. I think the rest of the times I've just remembered that experience and gotten scared. I went to a gynecologist to see if my hymen was semi-imperforate or something of the sotr, but it's not. Then I was really scared that it was a repercusion of the sexual abuse I endured when I was little. But my psychologist said that since I've been able to have orgasms, she highly doubts that that's the reason.
Honestly, I'm not scared of getting pregnant, or of regretting it. I'm scared of the actual pain . I know this sounds silly, but until recently, I really didn't understand what intercourse implied. I had NO idea that there was that much space inside of me! That's it, really. I'm in disbelief, and I anticipate pain. I can't even use a tampon. Because of this, everytime we've tried, I constantly worry that I won't be arroused enough. It doesn't help that my boyfriend really worries and you can see it on his face.
I know, I know, my vagina is big enough to fit a baby through. But I didn't know that there was that much space and I have trouble getting that into my head! I'm really not dying to have intercourse, I figure I can wait, but I would like to try and get these fears out of my head. Maybe I should ask him to try to use his fingers first to see if they can go in at all?
-------------------- "Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera Posts: 410 | From: Costa Rica | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
So I was searching through all these questions and I came across yours. Sorry I took so long, but anyways. I lost my virginity when I was 15, and I am now 16. But anyways, it didn't hurt me at all for the first time, and times after that as well. The main key is to be relaxed and all will go well. I was kind of sore the day after though. I was scared as well! =)
Posts: 10 | From: Wheeling WV | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
I just lost mine a few weeks ago. (im 18). & I can say I was 100% ready for it. It didn't hurt except for the fact when Lube kinda ran out. Every time he pulled out it kinda burned and hurt pretty bad. So all I can say is, LUBE IT UP! it really really helps. I thought my vagina was quite "small" for how large he is but it really didnt hurt. As long as you're ready and relaxed you should be pretty good.
I read someones earlier post about getting fed up because she was trying and trying and just couldnt do it. LOL I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM! Just loosen up, try to relax, and make sure you're actually aroused. I used to try it just to get it over with. It was like a project. "You wanna try to get in there tonight?" "yeah, lets give it a go". if you go in there with a mission, thats all youre going to focus on. lol trust me. Just take it easy, relax, and try to enjoy. =)
-------------------- <3 What's the matter with me! Posts: 13 | From: Central FL | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Nailo: "It might also be a good idea to help her shed the mindset that intercourse is absolutely going to be horribly painful the first time." "
Oh gosh, that sounds like me :S.
I've tried having intercourse with my boyfriend 5 times. Everytime, it hasn't worked, it's been too painful for me! The first time, I really thought, well, I know its going to hurt, whatever. Then when it actually did, I got freaked out. I think the rest of the times I've just remembered that experience and gotten scared. I went to a gynecologist to see if my hymen was semi-imperforate or something of the sotr, but it's not. Then I was really scared that it was a repercusion of the sexual abuse I endured when I was little. But my psychologist said that since I've been able to have orgasms, she highly doubts that that's the reason.
Honestly, I'm not scared of getting pregnant, or of regretting it. I'm scared of the actual pain . I know this sounds silly, but until recently, I really didn't understand what intercourse implied. I had NO idea that there was that much space inside of me! That's it, really. I'm in disbelief, and I anticipate pain. I can't even use a tampon. Because of this, everytime we've tried, I constantly worry that I won't be arroused enough. It doesn't help that my boyfriend really worries and you can see it on his face.
I know, I know, my vagina is big enough to fit a baby through. But I didn't know that there was that much space and I have trouble getting that into my head! I'm really not dying to have intercourse, I figure I can wait, but I would like to try and get these fears out of my head. Maybe I should ask him to try to use his fingers first to see if they can go in at all?
-------------------- Tamika Posts: 7 | From: mountain state | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
I have a question for anyone that might have or have had a similar situation.
My botfriend is 20 and I am 17, we have been together for 3 and 1/2 years. We've done it all, it seems, except vaginal sex. I am extremely afraid of the pain. I know that some people feel pain and others do not, but after trying it with him twice, I just cannot get past it. Everything else feels right. I love him truly, and i believe with all of my heart that he feels the same. I want him to understand that it has nothing to do with him, because he is very patient and caring. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me. I have read a lot of message boards, and I have been to many websites to research a solution, but I don't know what to do. My biggest problem is that I can't get relaxed. When we start to kiss, touch, and rub eachother, I get deeply aroused, but when he puts his penis near my vagina I get mixed feelings. I want to make love with him so badly, but I don't want the pain. What should I do?
-------------------- Tamika Posts: 7 | From: mountain state | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
Well as you said, not all women will experience pain the first time they have sex. If you do make sure you are ready for intercourse, if you engage in plenty of foreplays to get you really aroused before attempting intercourse, if you have a great caring partner who is willing to go slow and readjust or stop if you feel any pain/discomfort, if you are relaxed and not worried or tensed, if you are using lubricant, chances are you are far less likely to experience pain or discomfort.
But, really, from what you've told us here, in part because you said you were extremely afraid of the pain, it seems you might not be quite 100 % for intercourse yet and you know, that's alright. There's no rush, intercourse isn't all there is. If you have any doubt you might be ready, then it might be best to wait.
I'd suggest having a talk with your partner, telling him that you not having intercourse with him is not about him but more about you simply not being quite ready for it yet. A great caring partner should understand that and be willing to wait for you until you're 100 % ready.
posted
Obviously, from the responses on this thread, pain levels are different from woman to woman. For me, first-time sex was definitely uncomfortable, but not exactly painful. Honestly, I was a little disappointed in how unexciting it was for me, both physically and emotionally. It was neither terrible and painful nor amazing and pleasurable. It was just kind of....blah. And emotionally, I expected to feel...different somehow. More mature, like I'd gone through some rite of passage, closer to the guy I'd slept with, or even feel dirty, slutty, or regretful. I didn't feel any of that. I was just kind of like "Is that it? I don't see the big deal." Now that I've had better sex, both on the physical and emotional level, I do understand what the "big deal" is, but at the time, sex seemed so...anti-climactic, no pun intended.
Granted, I never put much importance on my virginity and when I lost it, I did so just because I kind of wanted to get it over and done with. I know that people often warn against that, but I have no regrets.
-------------------- "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -Oscar Wilde Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
I was MUCH like you, BNT041404, in the way that you say it "doesn't work" each time you try, and that you're afriad of the pain, cannot use tampons, etc. [Although as of recently, I can finally use tampons...hooray! ]
Finally after about 5 billion attempts it felt like...I don't know. It just worked. I bled a lot...A LOT...the first time and it hurt pretty badly. Plus I cried and was shaking...yada ya ya...
Now we are able to have sex comfortably, although we always have to start off slowly. We use lots of artificial lube [Astro Glide is by far our favorite!] And sometimes, I just gotta talk my way through it. I'm not uncomfortable with him by any means. I love him more than anything in the world, and I'm sure he's "the one." I'm just terribly afraid of the PAIN, regardless of the fact that I have lost my virginity already.
It's just different for everyone, like all these other girls have said. But I'm a lot like you, it sounds like to me, so I promise it won't always be that way. Good luck.
Posts: 104 | From: College | Registered: Oct 2007
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