Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Sex : asking too much? Finding a balance?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Sex : asking too much? Finding a balance?
Joey_buffyrocks
Neophyte
Member # 16531

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Joey_buffyrocks     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year, but because we have a long-distance relationship, we've only been physically together for about 2 months. Very quickly, we both realized we didn't need the same amount of sex : I'd be happy with doing it once a day, whereas she would probably go for no more than 2 or 3 times a week. It's been a situation that got a little tense because I end up feeling very frustrated sometimes. I try not to ask for too much and so try not to ask for sex more than once every two days (even though it still feels frustrating for me).
The other week, we didn't have sex for 4 days. It's happened before and it makes me feel awful... I've tried to talk to her about it, and she knows how I feel, but she's basically told me she can't do anything about it.
Am I asking for too much of her? I've done my best to not act on how my desires and not request too much of her, but I almost have this feeling she's not trying on her end. I mean I know she enjoys the sex, and that she's in love with me. It's like - she'd rather do other stuff.

Plus, she's not at all into physical contact like holding hands, cuddling and all, which hurts me almost more. She's been working on that so that's a start, but the sex thing really makes me feel bad.

What could we do to work this out? Is there any way we could solve this issue in a way that's fine with both of us? Anyone has had this problem before? I don't want to think about breaking up just for that.

(PS: i don't think it matters, but we're both girls?)


Posts: 7 | From: Andover, MA , USA or France | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Londongirl
Activist
Member # 18235

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Londongirl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
do you ever try to manage this by masturbating when you want sex and she doesn't?

------------------
Londongirl
Mature Student in Psychology(About to graduate - what do I do now??) Read about me here


Posts: 352 | From: UK | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Joey_buffyrocks
Neophyte
Member # 16531

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Joey_buffyrocks     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've thought about it - but she left before I could mention it to her. The thing, we sorta talked about it (indirectly) one day and she didn't seem too crazy about the idea because to her it meant that one member of the couple could not give the other "what she/he needed". And in an long, angsty talk we had not too long ago (before she went back home - she lives far away), she reached the point where she just said "I can't give you what you needed", which seemed like it had to mean the end of the relationship ultimately. So I'm kinda scared of bringing it up. I probably will eventually, though.
So I do live in my own fantasy world to think like, just like I'm able to make an effort and refrain from asking too much, there might be a way she could just make an effort in my direction? As I said, it's not like she doesn't really enjoy it once we've started... I'm at a loss.

Posts: 7 | From: Andover, MA , USA or France | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Once a day, for the record, is well over the norm for most couples, especially those who have been together a while. A four-day span without sex in the grand scheme of things is actually quite small.

Also, it is NORMAL for people with partners to still masturbate. It's not a replacement for sex with them, it's different. If normative solo sex isn't okay with her (and not just for you, for herself as well), she's going to have to work that out, flatly. You don't need her permission for that, and how much you and she talk about it is up to the both of you.

But asking someone to essentially raise their libido from what it is is asking too much, because you're putting them in a position to feel obligated to provide you sexual services, essentially, and that's not positive for anyone, especially long-term.

Asking for more general physical affection IS something that's fair to ask for, but you also need to recognize that sometimes, people are just different: she simply may not be someone who likes as much contact as you or someone else does. And if that's the case, you two just need to decide if that's workable for you.

(But it is worth nothing that you're unlikely to meet anyone who, in a long-term relationship, wants or has time for sex daily.)


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Joey_buffyrocks
Neophyte
Member # 16531

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Joey_buffyrocks     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was never hoping for sex daily anyway, and I do think I wouldn't have time for it, either (right now is slightly different since it's vacation time, but - in the grand scheme of things). I guess it's also why I understood fairly quickly I had to adapt myself... the thing is, I also feel pressure here because she's leaving the country in a few weeks and - I just know I'm going to miss her really badly.
Anyway. Thanks all for your advice.

Posts: 7 | From: Andover, MA , USA or France | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Londongirl
Activist
Member # 18235

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Londongirl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I sounds to me like this needs some give on both sides, and some thought from both of you. I agree with the issues Miz Scarlet raised.

You said you don't want to break up with her over this, have you told her that? Maybe she needs to hear that? I think you need to find out if you both want to work on these issues.

Reading around the articles on this site may help you both in thinking about the issues, particularly masturbation whilst in a relationship, and about other people not being obligated to meet your sexual needs (that doesn't imply that your partner shouldn't care, just that they don't have to have sex with you).

To get you started, the Orgasm and Sexual Response article has some relevance - it mentions masturbation within a relationship, and talks about sexual needs.
------------------
Londongirl
Mature Student in Psychology(About to graduate - what do I do now??) Read about me here

[This message has been edited by Londongirl (edited 07-25-2004).]


Posts: 352 | From: UK | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3