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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » $5,000

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Author Topic: $5,000
*heavens_daughter*
Neophyte
Member # 10681

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My mom made a bet i guess you would call it iwth me. I can't have sex, do drugs, drink, or smoke by teh tiem I am 21 and I get $5,000. But lately my boyfriend and I are getting really close and we don't want to have sex right now but I want to have sex with him eventually. We have done everything but sex we even have dry sex. Could I do this without my mom finding out or should i just wait?? Please help me!
Posts: 9 | From: Rocklin,CA,USA | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I recognize I'm making a value judgement, but in all honesty, I don't think your mother's proposition is anything close to ethical, nor you idea of responding to it by lying to net money.

I'd suggest you both drop the craziness and sit down and talk about this: about her putting a dollar value on your person, and about your wishing to make other choices and being tempted to lie for the price she's put on your (maiden)head.

Talk, both of you, please.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Member # 568

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If you sneak around, you're breaching/cheating on the agreement you and your mother made, and you don't deserve the money.

So you gotta make a choice, hon. you can choose the money, or you can choose to back out of the deal and have sex. what's more important? The money? or love and lust? Don't get me wrong, they're both important things, and i'm not trying to steer you to one or the other.

But understand this, you can't have both the sex and the money, and still be a person with integrity. imho, integrity is a very important part of a person's character, and i really don't like people who lack it, but there are already plenty of them about. If you try to cheat this deal, it'll only teach your mother that your word is no good.

Be fair. If you choose to love him and have sex with him, then admit that you can't keep up the bet and you mother "wins" (but you're not really losing since you get to enjoy a loving relationship in a way that is right for you).

But if you decide to go through with the deal, tell your boyfriend what's up and hope he udnerstands. If you're still together when you're 21, it's definitely a "win/win' wistuation 'cause you can do whatever you want AND you get the money and you didn't have to deceive anybody at all.

Personally, i'd hold off and go for the money. After all, you're really not missing anything by abstaining from alcohol and drugs, in fact you're doing your body a huge favor. And by abstaining from sex, you get to avoid the worres and difficulties sexual activity can bring. btw, did your mother define "sex" for this deal? by the time you're 21, you're probably much better equipped to deal with accidental pregnancy and diseases in terms of finances and education than you are now.

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Summertime, and the living's easy...


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bettie
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One thing to think about is that what your mother is doing is bribing you. I can see how that can be used to keep your bedroom tidy and even for getting good grades. I personally I am not comfortable with it being used with regards to issues likes sex, alcohol and drugs.

Behaviour and choices involving such things involves judgement -analyzing the costs and the benefits of your actions. Putting a monatary price on saying yes or no to something doesn't encourage that kind of thinking. perhaps you and your mother can work towards talking about a more comprehensive way of making decisions.

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-Scarleteen Sexpert

"Glad to have a friend like you,
And glad to just be me"
-Carol Hall


Posts: 1060 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Funny thing, I just saw a Travel Channel show that profiled the story of Ben Way, a teen entrepreneur in England. He sold his company for many millions of m but part of the contract was that he could not drink alcohol, do drugs, engage in sexual relations (and a laundry list of other stuff) until his 21st birthday. He signed on, and has been under constant supervision (has he turned 21? i don't know).

While I think these wagers are unusual, I think they're fair. If a person is old enough to decide to have sex, then I think they are old enough to enter such an agreement. As long as all parties play by the rules, heaven's_daughter can choose whether she wants to see her mom's conditions, or she can choose to go her own way. If love and lust are worth more than $5000 to her, then it should be for her to decide so and follow through.

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Summertime, and the living's easy...


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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Well, it's "fair" in the sense that no-one's forced *heavens_daughter* into the agreement, certainly. She doesn't have to play her mother's game if she doesn't want to. But I share a lot of Miz S's discomfort with this.

I'm not sure I can see any moral difference between this (being paid to not-have-sex) and being paid to have sex: prostitution. Either way, you're taking money for your sexual behaviour.

Now, I personally believe that there's nothing wrong with consenting adults engaging in sex work, if they know what they're doing and are not being exploited or pressured.

But I'm really not sure that it should be the relationship between a mother and daughter, especially if *heavens_daughter* is a young teenager.

And I really don't think that money should be the determining factor in when someone becomes sexually active with others.

I'd imagine that *heavens_daughter*'s mom is doing this out of concern, because she's worried that her daughter will have sex before she's ready to handle it. But the money just confuses that: it makes *heavens_daughter*'s sex life into something that can be bought.

After all, the implication of the deal seems to be that if a guy came along and offered her $6000 to have sex for the first time with him, her mom would expect her to say yes right away.

And the result seems to be that *heavens_daughter* is thinking about first-time sex in terms of whether she can get the money anyway, instead of thinking about readiness and what she actually wants.


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd agree with everything you've just said, logic.

The clear message in an agreement like this is that sex (and by extention w/the drug stuff, health) is a commodity, and one akin to drugs, sold -- in its presence or absence -- to the highest bidder.

And I just cannot see any way that that creates a healthy environment for sound sexual choices, relationships or healthy sexuality, especially with this in the context of a parental relationship.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
platzapS
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Member # 13130

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I don't think this "bet" is putting a price on sex. I think it is rather just encouraging abstinence utnil you might be a little more prepared to make decisions that affect your life.

I would go for if I were you, of course I wasn't really planning on having sex for a while. A previous post brought up the good point: what is considered "sex".

I know this is unlikely, but see if you can negotiate the deal for a lesser amount of money for only the drugs and smoking. That would still probably help you a lot.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Why should someone need to negotiate a sum of money to do good things or make the right choices for themselves?

Why should they need to get paid to take care of themselves at all?

How do those who don't get cash rewards for doing so learn to do so? And how much better might they really be learning how without financial incentive? Think about it.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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