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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » spanking - please read

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Author Topic: spanking - please read
BSB*chica
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hey, I have kind of a strange question. You see, I have this weird fetish about spanking. It totally turns me on. I want my boyfriend to spanking me. I haven't exactly told him that, but I brought up the topic of if spanking is sexy or not and he thought I was crazy. he said not to expect that from him.
But I want him to spank me SO BAD. To me, being turned over onto a guys knee and having him beat my bare butt to where it's red and I'm crying is GREAT. AM I NORMAL?? Does anyone else feel this way?? How can I get him to spank me?
thanks.
Stacey

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devilishbrunette
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Actually,I have heard of this "fetish" several times. Everybody gets aroused by different things. However,I can understand why your b/f wouldn't want to spank you until it hurts. He wouldn't want to cause you any pain. But a little bit of spanking is fine,he should be willing to experiment a little!

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~*!*~D.B.~*!*~


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Heather
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Just a little terminology niggler. Spanking isn't techincally a "fetish," (because it is a practice, not an object) though coloquially, it's often called such.

And BSB, it is okay. There is a lot of diversity in ppeople and life experiences, and thus, a lot of diversity in sexuality and arousal!

But that also means that what gets your goat mmight not get someone else's. Pushing a partner to engage in a practice they aren't interested in really isn't okay, and it doesn't usually work out very well.

So, what I'd suggest is talking to him about it in earnest, and before you do, giving a read-over to this article: Working the Kinks Out. It should be of help with some basic terminology, as well as how to work with alternative sexual practices with a partner and some other related isues.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Olive
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of course it's normal. Havent you ever heard that "theres a fine line between pleasure and pain" ? I also like to be spanked and bitten but some people dont like the pain. so you shouldnt think its weird.
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Mary
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BSB, Madonna wrote a song about sadomasochism (what you were referring to) called "Erotica". Here are some lyrics:

I don't think you know what pain is / I don't think you've gone that way / I could bring you so much pleasure / I'll come to you when you say / I know you want me / I'm not gonna hurt you / Just close your eyes... Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better / Only the one that inflicts the pain can take it away

I just thought you'd take comfort in knowing that your love of pain is shared by others (and thought so spectacular it was turned into a song! )

[This message has been edited by Mary (edited 07-12-2002).]


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mistress_monkey
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oh, believe you me. you're NOT alone.

i thought you just might be comforted by another sadomasochist hullo!

spanking is a completely normal practice, and some people who are pretty conservitive in the bedroom still enjoy it. when you're aroused, your pain threshold goes to the ceiling.

what you're describing is pretty extreme spanking . not everyone may be comfortable with that at first, or even ever. however, your boyfriend's reaction seemed a bit harsh if he really thought you were crazy then totally dismissed the thought. i don't think it's totally fair to reject your ideas just because he's not familure with them. maybe you could print out "working the kinks out" for him, and sit and discuss. tell him it's important for you that he not think ill of you for what you find exciting, but also let him know that he's free to discuss his ideas with you. who knows, maybe HIS supressed thoughts may be even more wild than yours!

any way. from one mistress to the neophyte, i hope everything works out.

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Hail Eris! KaAAIXTI! All hail Discordia! 23 Skidoo!

"If you're going to be a non-conformist, you're going to have to wear the uniform."


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OoMEoO
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You should not feel ashamed at all! I'm definitely not shamed of my nibbling/biting/licking fetish! If anything, I flaunt it...
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la jaunty bohemian
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Just wanted to add...

As far as I understand it, there are kind of two parts to your pleasure with spanking. One is the sensation of being spanked [the red bottom] and the other is the emotional sensation of being spanked [the crying]. I just wanted to suggest a few practices/things to consider.

Have you ever been spanked [or done similarly kinky practices] with anyone else in a sexual situation? The reason I ask is that sometimes the reality can be very different from the fantasy.

Physical sensation [like spanking] can be great. But sometimes the actual administering of sensation can produce really different results. For instance, I used to have daydreams[?] of essentially being beaten up by friends of mine [a long and complex thing], but if it actually ever happened, I think I'd flip. Similarly, being put into bondage, even light bondage, can make you feel -very- restricted, maybe even to a degree of being uncomfortable or frightened, even though the idea is really exciting.

So, I would suggest taking it slow and easy -if- you and your partner decide to experiment. Especially with strong physical sensation, like the kind you are describing, you need to go slowly and softly at first to warm up and get the endorphins flowing. You should also go slowly to establish the degree of comfort for both you and your partner.

The second part of the appeal, it seems, is the emotional response, the crying. I don't know what feeling that symbolizes for you... punishment, humiliation, freedom, relief? Any of them are fine and valid emotions that can be very satisfying to explore and play with. But I would again suggest taking it slow and having a LOT of serious conversations about it first. Whenever you get into role-playing or emotional play, you can touch on some very deep issues for both the giver and the reciever, and if you haven't negotiated how to handle things if those issues come up [for instance, a safe word, a non-sexual work like "applesauce" that either of you could say to stop -everything- if something needs to be adjusted], suddenly having to deal with a breakdown or extreme fear or even just an unleashing of emotions or desired that neither of you knew existed can be really, really difficult.

The books suggested at the end of Heather's article, like SM 101, will have good ideas on how to plan out, talk about and execute whatever kinky thing you want. BDSM play can be powerful and rewarding, but it should also be safe, sane and consentual because it is so powerful.

Phew! That said, you might want to do some research, have some honest conversations with yourself and your partner and make some plans before you jump right in. Good luck!


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5.10Girl
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Just a request...I'm all for open sexual communication, and I understand that describing why being spanked turns you on might be exciting, but I don't think most people want to hear about "beating your bare butt till it's red and I'm crying". I mean, I've been spanked (as a child), I know what happens when it's done, and you could have just simply stated that you have a desire to be spanked without the graphic, unnessesary details. I totally respect that people have fetishes (I have one myself....), but I had sort of a negative reaction to your post just because of that. No biggie, but...
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sugar'n'spice
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You're not alone, I love it!!! But my bf totally hates it
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Seanld
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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Just a little terminology niggler. Spanking isn't techincally a "fetish," (because it is a practice, not an object) though coloquially, it's often called such.

This is not correct. A fetish is a sexual attraction to an object or a situation, spanking is most definitely a situation, so spanking would considered a "fetish". The defining characteristic of a fetish is, the object or situation has no inherent sexual meaning in an of itself, the only sexual meaning is that attached to it by the individual. Spanking is not sexual in and of itself, but it can have significant sexual meaning to some people, and therefore it is a fetish.

It should be noted that in the kink community the terms "fetish" and "kink" are often used a different way. In these circles the difference between a kink and a fetish is about the person's reliance on whatever object or situation turns them on. If a person must have that object or situation to engage in satisfying sex, that is considered a fetish. If the person can have satisfying sex without this object or situation, then it's considered a kink. Outside of the kink community, the terms aren't used in this way.

Therefore in the kink community if someone has a sexual attraction to spanking, but that person can have satisfying sex without it, they would not consider that a "fetish", it would be regarded as a "kink". Just a little FYI for ya.

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"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey Sean,

I would say the distinction heather made makes total sense here, especially given the worries of the original poster...

I think people can use whatever terms they like to describe what they're into, and although a very strict situation or ritual might fit into the idea of fetish, almost as rigidly as an object, that might make sense as a fetish for me, but I wouldn't say spanking describes a situation, I'd say it describes an act and a sensation.

It feels to me that to use fetish to mean the non-sexual thing made sexual, calls it abnormal or weird. Fetishes are about your relationship to that situation (which you add) or object, NOT about sexualizing the non-sexual. My relationship to objects, or situations that might be sexually meaningful to me are not an imitation of my relationship to the more common sources of pleasure (other people, their bodies, sex toys), it's it's own very specific entity... which in subtle forms is a part of lots of people's lives, only for some people more overtly and sexually.

I think in a situation like this where a user was asking about whether the source of their pleasure was deviant or abnormal that it was really important not to use the word fetish just to mean weird, which is the context she used, and it was upsetting her.

I don't think spanking is non-sexual either!

I could easily argue, that even the physical technicalities of super typical sexual situations can be completely non-sexual in plenty of cultures as rites-of passage, or unfortunately for victims of sexual-assault.

I don't think there was any case of misinformation here, possibly there's just a disagreement about what definitions should be used (you yourself mention that it can be subjective depending on what communities people are a part of), but for the poster of this question.

It's really important to read into the context here... we're not even about spreading information here but more helping people deal with their situations, if they're using a word that provides some sort of hurt for them

[ 04-17-2012, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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*just about
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Seanld
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Thanks for your response, but I'm afraid you've injected meaning into what I said that simply isn't there. I did not call spanking "abnormal" or "weird", in fact I didn't even use either of those words. However, fetishes are exactly about sexualizing the non-sexual. I appreciate the fact that you may not like that, but that is exactly what a fetish is defined as, it is the meaning of the word. A fetish is defined as an object or situation that is - in and of itself - non-sexual, that has sexual meaning attached to it by the individual. For example, a vibrator, which is an object, is not a fetish, because the object is specifically for sex, it is a sexual object. I encourage you to do the research and don't simply rely on your own opinion and ideas. Information based on fact and research is what is helpful, not yet another erroneous opinion. I am basing the information I gave here on information that is available on Wikipedia, the dictionary and the DSM-IV, not something I "feel". I don't understand why you think this site is not about "spreading information", but to me that is exactly what it is. People come with help for their situation (as you put it) surely, but they come here also for correct information. Helping someone with bogus information isn't helping, it just spreads ignorance.

I'm not really sure how you feel that spanking isn't a "situation"; perhaps you're unclear on the meaning of the word "situation", but Webster's defines "situation" as:

a : relative position or combination of circumstances at a certain moment

They give the following example:

"You may find yourself in a situation where you lose control of the vehicle."

People who are into spanking like to put themselves into circumstances at a certain moment where spanking will happen, that's a "situation".

I understand that you don't "think" (again, note this is purely subjective, not based on fact) that spanking is non-sexual, but spanking is not in and of itself sexual. Children are spanked all over the world everyday, and that activity is not sexual. Paddling as a form of corporal punishment is legal in some states to discipline kids and teens, it is not sexual. In some Asian and Muslim countries adults are caned as punishment not for sexual reasons.

The most disturbing thing you wrote was this:

"It feels to me that to use fetish to mean the non-sexual thing made sexual, calls it abnormal or weird".

It seems to me what you, and this website, should be doing is to combat that ignorance with healthy attitudes and information, not by denying that spanking is a fetish. Calling a fetish abnormal or weird is just wrong. Wikipedia states:

"Psychologists and medical practitioners regard fetishism as normal variations of human sexuality".

Fetishes, unless they cause the person distress or another person harm, are completely normal expressions of a person's sexuality. *That* is the message that should be spread here, not trying to pretend that spanking isn't a fetish, because what are you going to say to someone who has something that you would describe as a fetish, tell them they're abnormal or weird? I'd be careful using those terms here, it's the last thing a person coming for help wants to read. I think you would agree.

Lastly, I was confused by your argument about fetishes not being about sexualizing the nonsexual. I didn't say that a fetish was a "imitation" of "common sources of pleasure". A fetish is something that a person finds sexually arousing, but that thing isn't in and of itself sexual, for example, feet. Feet have no inherent sexual meaning, but some people find them very sexually arousing, hence they are a fetish for those individuals. From Wikipedia once again about foot fetishism:

"It is the most common form of sexual fetishism for otherwise non-sexual objects or body parts."

People can attach sexual meaning to any object or situation, but it wouldn't be a fetish if that object or situation was inherently sexual. The DSM-IV-TR, is quite clear that for an object to be a fetish, it cannot be made for that purpose, it can't be inherently sexual in nature. From Wikipedia again:

"According to the DSM-IV-TR, fetishism is the use of nonliving objects as a stimulus to achieve sexual arousal or satisfaction. (This only applies if the objects are not specifically designed for sexual stimulation (e.g., a vibrator)."

Fetishism is about attaching sexual meaning (becoming sexually aroused or satisfied) to a non-sexual object or situation. If the object was sexual, if it was a vibrator, it wouldn't be a fetish. If the situation was sexual, it wouldn't be a fetish. So, it's about attaching sexual meaning to the non-sexual. If the object was sexual, all people would consider it sexual. Most people do not find feet sexually arousing, most people do not consider spanking sexual. For whatever reason a sexual arousal has been formed in people that find these objects or situations sexually stimulating. Many psychologists believe that something occurs in one's childhood that causes a sexual association with an object or situation that isn't inherently sexual, i.e., sexual meaning is attached to non-sexual objects or situations. If all (or most) humans found an object or situation sexual, it would not be a fetish, it would be a sexual object or a sexual situation.

[ 04-18-2012, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Seanld ]

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"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus

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Seanld
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[ 04-18-2012, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Seanld ]

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"...nothing is left of me, each time I see her..." - Catullus

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Redskies
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Seanld, you said "I am basing the information I gave here on information that is available on Wikipedia, the dictionary and the DSM-IV". None of these three things are necessarily good sources for information about any aspect of sexuality; indeed, they all have considerable problems - Wikipedia is not guaranteed to be reliable, any linguist will tell you that the dictionary is very far from the final word on Anything, and any psychologist worth their salt would tell you that the DSM-any-number is an imperfect, disagreed-upon, subjective thing.

The information given by staff and volunteers on this site is given by people who, between them, have very considerable experience within sex education, sexology and sexual health - it is not, as you suggest, their "own opinion and ideas" or "another erroneous opinion". If you had not made yourself aware by reading around the site, you should know that the site is kink-accepting, that staff/volunteers have knowledge in the area, and some users have their own knowledge and experience. I think it was very clear that the staff/volunteer responses were non-judgemental and supportive - particularly to the original user, which is the most important point - and that they did not say that a fetish was abnormal or weird. I'm well aware of the misunderstanding and suspicion of kink in the world at large, but that is not something I've seen from the staff/volunteers here.

It doesn't seem to be appropriate to turn a thread that was about a user's personal concern into an in-depth examination of kink terminology; less appropriate still when there was no harmful misinformation given in the first place.

Frankly, it's wrong to say that spanking is a fetish. Spanking MAY be a fetish; it also may be used as part of a sexual interaction where, for example, the physical sensation adds to a person's enjoyment, but there is not a direct sexual desire or reaction to the spanking itself, OR in a non-sexual kink interaction where the motivation and enjoyment is not sexual. Because spanking may or may not be a fetish (even within kink) depending on the context, making a blanket statement that it Is is simply wrong.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Karybu
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Given that this thread is several years old and this discussion is a pretty inappropriate derailment of the original topic, I'm going to close it.

Seanld, this site is aimed at young people, specifically those ages 13-25 - as an adult, you have plenty of other avenues through which to have this conversation, and we make it very clear in the guidelines that the young people we serve need to be put first. If you have an issue you'd like to discuss with us, please use the "contact us" option in the menu bar at the very top of every page - the boards are not the place to have that discussion.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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