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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Is there really a right age 4 sex...?

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Author Topic: Is there really a right age 4 sex...?
Member # 8489

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OK. im new and i hav a few questions.

1) is there really a right age 4 sex, i mean if 2 ppl love + respect each other, understand the risks, know what they're doing and use protection there can't b that much wrong can there?

2) if i told my mother i wanted to be put on the pill so i could have safer sex with lower risks ( of course always wit a condom ) she would call me a slut, and i refuse to have sex if im not on the pill. Also if she found condoms or lube etc in my room she would send me on a complete guilt trip. Has ne1 had similar things happen 2 them?

3) what age did u first have sex.

ive searched for the answers to these questions so im sorry if they've come up b4. Thnx 2 ne1 who reads/answers.


* Kat *

[This message has been edited by PinkLemonade (edited 06-05-2002).]

Posts: 1 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Welcome to the boards!

I think we've had discussions about most of those issues before. You can probably find them by running a search. The search function is just underneath the "post reply" link at the top of most pages.

Personally, I don't think there's a 'right' age for sex. Everyone matures at different rates, and even people who are very mature might still not be comfortable with sex. And by 'sex' you probably mean 'sex with another person' right? (Around here, we think that masturbation is a form of sex, as well.) People might be ready to have sex, want to have sex, and have nothing in their way... except that they don't have a partner for it.

That was me, maybe. I first had sex when I was 19.

By the way, I don't know that this thread was really put in the right place. It might be more appropriate in sex basics, or parents, adults and teens, say. I think I'm going to send it over to sex basics and health. You'll probably get more replies over that way.

"...the airport's always almost empty this time of the year, so let's go play on a baggage carousel. Set our watches forward like we're just arriving here from a past we left in a place we knew too well."
-The Weakerthans

Posts: 1515 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5036

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Hey, welcome to ST.

Please use real words, it just makes your posts easier to understand.

1) If you love and respect each other, understand the risks, use protection, have a plan for what to do if that protection fails, have access to appropriate medical care, and neither of you is below the age of consent in your location (16 for heterosexual sex, 18 for homosexual sex), then nope, there's nothing wrong with that.

But you have to think it through. If, for example, you fell pregnant and wanted a termination, what would you do? It's not so easy to get an abortion on the NHS; many, many women have to go private. Do you have 350 tucked away somewhere?

2) Good for you for wanting to be on the pill before you have intercourse. If your mother is going to be unsupportive of your choice to have intercourse, then you need to take that into account. Get one of those lockable bank box things with a key; chuck your pills, condoms, lube and some change in there and make it sound like a savings stash.

But she may figure it out. Mothers have super radar or something.

3) I was 16 when I first chose to have sex.

Hope this helps,

Posts: 848 | From: London, UK | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Miss Thang
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I'm on the same boat, PinkLemonade. My mom watches me like a hawk, and is very much against premarital sex. I had 1 condom, 1 little condom tucked away in my room in a very good hiding space, and she found it! The cash box idea is very clever though. I didn't think of that.

Wait, you people in England don't have Planned Parenthood? Do you have something similiar?

Posts: 211 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8317

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1)I really don't think there is a certain age when you are ready for sex. Everyone matures at different rates, and if you're ready, and you're taking appropriate precautions, then there is no right or wrong age.
2)Oh man, I just got on the pill, and I told my mother that I want to go on it, just in case...and that I'd rather be safe than sorry, and she freaked. So I went to my youth clinic, and got it from there, completely confidential.
3)I was 17 when I decided the time was right. It was with the right guy too..

Posts: 99 | From: Vancouver, BC, CANADA | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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well, i suppose there is no set age where ppl hit and immediately become "ready." but i'm of the opinion that there's no harm in waiting. Sex is not something to rush into.

Parents don't want their children growing up too soon, and that's understandable. a lot of times, imho, they're right. We're so in a hurry to be "grown-ups," we really don't see that we're not ready to go. take your parents into consideration with a big step like sex. Are you going to get into trouble for it? imho, a more mature individiaul would realize that going behind their parent's backs, lying, and being deceptive is neither mature nor responsible.

I was 19, in college and out of the house when I started having sex. Many colleges are pretty aware that a lot of their students are sexually active and they provide the health care we *really need* (STD screens, contraception, pelvic exams, counseling, etc) for free or cheap.

Color is for crayons, not for people.

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1515

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Well I think if you are READY and know how to handle the consequences then that is the right time to have sex.

My parents were disapointed in me to. I had sexual intercourse at age 16 with the same person I am with, and now I am 18 (turning 19 soon) and until just recently I got permission from my mother to start having sex. My dad still doesnt condone it. I dont think that he will ever condone it, even when I turn 45 he wont want me to have sex . I am his little girl and he wants to keep it that wway FOREVER. I didnt stop having sex, I just wasnt having sex as often. I did more oral and manuel sex than intercourse.

Now that my mom is a little more at ease with the fact that I am having sex, its easier on me. So now I have sex anytime I want without really worry about my parents. Sex is actually more enjoyable now that I dont have to worry about disapointing anyone.

Bobaroony & Erica Bearica
<3 love forever!

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*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

One ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Heather Corinna

[This message has been edited by glitter695 (edited 06-05-2002).]

Posts: 1978 | From: NY:) | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Miss Thang
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For me, going behind my parents backs isn't immature, it's what I have to do.

I like sex and there's nothing wrong with that. And I won't have unprotected sex, I just won't. I am not rushing into adulthood. I am ready for sex. Some people my age aren't.

Nevertheless, my parents are religious zealots. I try to respect their wishes as much as I can, but it's not easy to do. They have these standards and ideals for me that I can't ever, and don't WANT to ever live up to. So I've got to do what's good for me. I've spent my whole life trying to make them happy, and it's proven to be a futile effort. My father is abusive and even small infractions of his "laws" set him off. These aren't normal parents. I really wish I could have honest communication with my parents. I want it more than anything. I wish I could tell them that yes, I'm sexually active, and no, I don't have a problem with it, and I wish they'd be ok with that. They're far from ok with it. I honestly believe I'd end up in intensive care if they knew.

So no, I don't feel that wanting to have sex behind my parents backs is immature. And I'm not lying to them; if they ask me if I'm sexually active, I'll tell them the truth. I'm sure they're too afraid to ask. And I'm not doing anything sexual in their house.

I'm doing the best I can here with what I've got. And it's not fair to say that that's immature. Sorry.

[This message has been edited by Miss Thang (edited 06-05-2002).]

Posts: 211 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5594

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I agree with Miss Thang.

I don't think that having sex behind you parents backs is immature.
I mean, sure, it's cool if you are very close to your parent/s, and you can share things like that, that's great, but some teens really aren't close to their parents and can't share things like that with their parents, because some parents think it's wrong, say if their religious, or they think it's just too young to be having sex.

I'm not sexually active yet, but I have talked to my mom about sex, and I told her that I'm not having sex, but she can't stop me from doing it, because it's my life, and the best advice she can give me is "make sure your having safer sex", she didn't get mad but she still thinks that I'm too young to be having sex, but she also said to me, if I ever wanted to go on the Pill to tell her, so that she can take me to our family doctor etc..

But I don't think that I would go to my mom for the pill, or tell her that I was sexually active, because honestly, I don't think my sex life is any of her business.
I mean sure, I'm her daughter, but I'm not aware of her sex life (not that I would want to be )

But still, I think somebodys sex life is a very private thing, and if they don't want to share it with their parents, then they shouldn't have to.
And that does result to sneaking behind your parents backs to have sex, and I don't feel that it is immature or childish.

I think as long as your ready to be having sex, and you're performing Safer Sex, and you know all the risks, that you should be able to have sex without your parents knowing about it.

And to answer PinkLemonade's question, I don't think there is a set age to be ready to have sex, it's something that you have to be comfortable with, and if you are more comfortable with it at an earlier age than other teens, then what should be stopping you? Other peoples bodies develop at young ages, peoples minds develop at young ages, so why can't peoples sexual desire/sex life develop at a young age.
So yeah, I personally don't think there is a set age for sex, like I said before as long as its safer sex, and you know all the risks etc...

BUT there are laws at whate age to have sex, so my advice is to check to see what the age of consent is in your location.

[This message has been edited by celery (edited 06-05-2002).]

Posts: 1000 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6026

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To me, there is no specific age for first-time sex. I'm 14 and I recently had sex for the first time and I feel it was with the right person...I have no regrets..
Posts: 118 | From: California | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just some brief comments on being honest with your parents about your sex life or not. relationship issues and integrity aside, I think the most important thing to ask yourself is this: In a worst-case scenario, who is going to be responsible, in full or in part, for the consequences?

In other words, if you become pregnant or contract an STD or STI, are you going to take care of that completely on your own, or will your parents end up having to legally, fiscally, or emotionally (or all three of those things) shoulder that burden? Because if they will, to be blunt, you DO need to inform them of what you are doing out of sheer fairness. In my mind, that actually is a consent issue.

If they aren't, and you're fully prepared in every sense to manage your sex life entirely on your own (right down to paying for your own regular sexual healthcare and being legally able to be fully autonomous in your actions), then it is indeed your business as to whather or not you let them in on that aspect of your life.

I can tell you being an adult, and having worked with many, many parents over the years in many settings, in much diversity, that most parents will NOT kill you or harm you if informed you are sexually active. With some, it may be uncomfortable, and they may not agree with your choices. But with most, it truly isn't the great drama it often seems like it will be. Really. And it can be really beneficial to have a parents, family member or some supportive adult around to keep perspective in check. In fact, most studies show that sexually active teens with adult mentors fare far, far better when it comes to sexual health and safety than those who do not have them.

But those things aside, I do think it's fair and important to consider talking to your parents especially if they already do (via paying allowances, say, that fund birth control or sexual health, or by being legally responsible for the consequences of your actions) or will take part in it in some way, in the same way you'd let your sexual partner in on issues that directly effect him or her.

To add to the end-line on most of these posts, I became willingly sexually active at a very early age (around13-14). And both of my parents were informed (it was fine with one, and very much not fine with the other), but I also worked jobs to pay for my own healthcare and birth control, and it was very much understood that these things were my responsibility was I going to make those choices. To boot, I became an emancipated minor at 16 so no one was legally responsible for me but me.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 06-07-2002).]

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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1. Like everyone else said. It's a maturity issue. For a long time I didn't think I was mature enough to handle sex. But over the past year, that's changed for me.

2. When I informed my mom (which was today!)that I started having sex, she asked if I was on the pill. She didn't know if I had gone to Family Planning before or not. My mom is definitely cool about it.

3. I am 18 and one half. I chose to have sex at 18 and one half. Just a few nights ago.

" Life move pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

Posts: 183 | From: ohio, usa | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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