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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Had sex, now boyfriend is depressed

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Author Topic: Had sex, now boyfriend is depressed
Clueless~Girl
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I'm in a weird situation...

My boyfriend and I have been together over 16 months but never had sexual intercourse until yesterday. We had done other things (oral, manual, etc. but not actual intercourse until then). We decided to wait until we were both fully ready to do it.

He had been ready to have intercourse for about 8 or 9 months, but I was hesitant. I just "felt" like I wasn't ready but couldn't really explain why. Well, about a week ago, I finally realized what I was really afraid of was him being too rough and it being very painful for me. Well, I talked to him about this and he assured me he would be as gentle as possible. So we arranged that we would have sex yesterday (since my mom was in town and rented us a motel room, which we couldn't do on our own due to both of us being until the age they rent rooms to).

Oh, and my boyfriend had been concerned that after we first had sex, I would say then that I wasn't ready. Well, I told him that wouldn't happen because I wouldn't do it unless I was sure I was ready.

Well, yesterday, like I said, we had sex. I was on top and I did it very slow (as far as guiding him into me). Then most of the movements, I told him to just lay still (because otherwise he would be rough, although not on purpose). It was a bit painful for me, but mainly in the respect that I felt very "full" (for lack of a better term). For a bit, he did control things, and I could tell he was having a "good time." The whole experience for me wasn't "spectacular," but it was pretty much as I expected, and I don't regret it at all.

The thing is that my boyfriend (yes he was wearing a condom) didn't ejaculate. That really frustrated him. After we experimented with intercourse a few times, he ended up just masturbating to finish. He felt bad because he hadn't ejaculated while inside of me. I told him not to worry (it really wasn't a huge deal to me) and I said that maybe he was just nervous. Well, he was inststent he had not been nervous. The rest of the day (once we left the motel, after cuddling a bit), he seemed very "whiney." He kept apologizing and said that it wasn't exactly what he had expected, he didn't mean to "hurt" me, etc.

He kept saying those things all the way through today when i talked to him on the phone. He says that now he doesn't feel like ever having sex again and he feels bad. Also, I didn't bleed (although I had never had sexual intercourse before). I think that had to do with the fact we were very slow and also, I was quite sure my hymen was already pretty much gone (due to things like the time I was about 5 or 6 and fell on a jungle gym and ended up stratling a board, where I ended up bleeding, ow). But today he was saying how he must have been really "small" and must not have even "broken my hymen." There is no way that's possible; it just doesn't make sense.

But anyway, he seems really depressed now and I don't know what I should do. OH! and he said today that he thinks that after what we did, HE had not really been ready to do it. I certainly do not regret anything we did, even if it did hurt a bit. Yet he qon't quit apologizing for "everything." It is really getting on my nerves. I try to talk to him about it but he keeps saying, "You don't understand."

Okay, now I'm done with my novel-length post. This situation just confuses me. My boyfriend said he was "ready" for sooo long, then once I finally get ready, he's excited to have sex, but then, he's depressed. Any responses of any kind would be gretly appreciated.


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Gumdrop Girl
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hmm, i could be wrong, but from what you describe, it sounds like your boyfriend might have either felt disappointed by the experience (which is not your fault at all!) or he realized that he really wasn't 100% ready to have sex. it happens. after all, hindsight is 20/20.

don't let this get you down. you did all the right things. you talked it over with you boyfriend. you waited till you both said you were ready. you even talked it over with your mom, so it seems (big thumbs up!). but one thing you should consider is that the first time is almost never perfect. neither is the second or third. it take patience and practice. your boyfriend might feel anxious because your first time together wasn't everything the movies said it'd be. but is that so bad? not necessarily.

what you need to do is talk to your boyfriend. maybe suggest that the two of you hold off on further sexual intercourse for the time being until you get everything sorted out. if you weren't disappointed by the sex you had, let him know so he doesn't get performance anxiety or feel like a wuss for not pleasuring you.

check out our article on first-time stuff http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/firsttime.html

good luck

------------------
straddle the fine line between profundity and profanity...


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarlingBri
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My first thought is that seemed like you guys spent a lot of time talking about the negative things you anticipated, but not the positive.

After you made the choice to go ahead, did you talk about what your mutual expectations were? Because, you see, there's this often-unspoken expectation that it's either going to be pain and suffering or moonlight and rockts, and in reality, it's often flat dead in the boring middle.

People often don't seem to anticipate that it can be a stressful situation. Few people perfom to expectations - their own or anyone else's under pressure.

Maybe you should tell him that you actually had no expectation that he would climax, that you're glad it was something the two of you started learning about together, and that you enjoyed being close to him.

At the end of the day, that's the stuff that really matters - your first time or you 10,00th

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Hope this helps,
--Bri


Posts: 848 | From: London, UK | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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In addition to the excellent advice above, allow me to point you at the Readiness Checklist. It may be something helpful for you and your boyfriend to read over together and use as a starting point to discuss this.

It sounds like you are really thinking this through and taking care of things so I'm sure you'll get through it.


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cute Katie
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Hi, I can relate to part of your situation. The first and second times my boyfriend and I had sex (we were virgins prior to this), he didn't ejaculate. We were a little worried about that, but we attributed it to nerves. The third time (and just about every time thereafter), he ejaculated. So, hopefully once (and if) you guys have sex again, he'll feel more ready and less nervous, and it will happen. :-)

I don't mean to lecture or anything, and I know this isn't the issue at hand, but I totally disagree with your mother renting you a motel room. I think that's incredibly irresponsible parenting, and I look down upon that. Sure, you'd probably have sex with or without a motel room, but she was encouraging it by helping you out.

Now, don't think I'm like, 45 or anything. I'm 19, and I'm not super-conservative or whatever. But that's just my opinion and I wanted to express it.


Posts: 59 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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Katie, it's time to review the Guidelines.

quote:
From the Guidelines:
When posting, you are expected to be respectful of your fellow posters and our staff, and to use language which is unlikely to offend anyone...[snip]...and which encourages intelligent, safe and mature discussion of the issues at hand.

quote:
Originally posted by Cute Katie:
I don't mean to lecture or anything, and I know this isn't the issue at hand, but I totally disagree with your mother renting you a motel room. I think that's incredibly irresponsible parenting, and I look down upon that. [snip] But that's just my opinion and I wanted to express it.

You are certainly entitled to your own opinions but they do not need to be expressed in such a disrespectful and judgemental manner here.

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 02-25-2002).]


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Confused boy
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And that is some pretty faulty logic as well Katie. I mean how exactly is it so irresponsible for a parent to do that. Is there anything wrong with allowing her daughter to have sex in strict privacy? Are you assuming there is something necessarily morally wrong with the sex (it at least seems fairly well thought out)?
Posts: 711 | From: England | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Clueless~Girl
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Thanks for the responses. I'm surprised so many people actually took the time to read my "novel" lol.

Things seemed a little better today when I talked to my boyfriend (that was the first time I had seen him in person since we had sex). We talked about it a bit. He's still in the apologetic mentality, but I figure that he should move past that soon and me telling him to "not apologize" may make the situation worse (since I already mentioned it to him before and he took offense to it).

I don't foresee us having sex again any time soon. I think we have some issues that need to come to the surface and be talked about/resolved before that happens. That way, maybe he won't be "depressed" afterward again.

He said he hadn't really had any expectations for sex, but one thing he did say is that he thought he would have a problem ejaculating too soon, so when he didn't at all, that threw him off. I, personally, had done research and talked to a lot of people so I had a fair guess of what it would be like. For me, it pretty much ended up being how I thought it would be (nothing weird or unexpected).

And before we had sex, I looked all over this site and read the readiness, checklist, first-time, etc. articles I could find. Maybe one difference between my boyfriend and I is that I did so much research. I think that besides what I have told him on the issue, his only source is his friends.

Anyway, thanks again for the replies.

And Katie, regarding the motel issue and my mom renting it for us... I do agree that overall my mom does not have good judgment. I'd actually say she has very poor judgment. However, I do not see how her renting us a room is "bad." From your post, you are sexually active and don't seem to see a problem with it, so I was just wondering why it would be wrong for my boyfriend and I to engage in sex as well (when we are "ready," which includes having a LEGAL place to do it). That's not meant to be rude, it was an honest question on my part.


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Cute Katie
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quote:
Originally posted by ookuotoe:
Katie, it's time to review the [b]Guidelines.

You are certainly entitled to your own opinions but they do not need to be expressed in such a disrespectful and judgemental manner here.

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 02-25-2002).][/B]


I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, I didn't think I was being disrespectful. Opinions can be judgemental, and yes, I am entitled to share mine.


Posts: 59 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Cute Katie
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Clueless, I don't think it's wrong for your boyfriend and you to have sex. Personally, I didn't want to have sex before I was 18 (and I didn't), but everyone is different, and I'm glad you waited until you were ready, at whatever age that is.

I just disagree with your mom's decision to help you along with it and pretty much encourage it. I know that if I had gone to my parents when I was under 18 and said I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend and asked if they could get a hotel room for me, they wouldn't even think twice before saying no. My parents aren't incredibly strict or conservative; they just have good judgment and don't encourage things they disagree with.

I hope that answered your question. :-)


Posts: 59 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Clueless~Girl
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Katie, I am 19, and so is my boyfriend.

Does that make the situation any different from your perspective? *thinks it might*

(Motels here will not rent to anyone under 21 for some reason.)


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erinpinkhair
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during my boyfriends first time having sex he didn't ejacualte either.. he said it took him like a really really really really long time.. and then he just ended up faking it cause it was taking so long. That was is first and only time till me.

When we had sex he did ejaculate. It takes a few times.. I didn't have an orgasim the first time we had sex.. but the second or third time I did. Tell him not to worry about it.. that the more you practice the better it will become and he will cum.


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Cute Katie
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quote:
Originally posted by Clueless~Girl:
Katie, I am 19, and so is my boyfriend.

Does that make the situation any different from your perspective? *thinks it might*

(Motels here will not rent to anyone under 21 for some reason.)


Actually, I'm going to have to admit it does change my perspective. I automatically assumed you were under 18 and in high school, since around here (Michigan, USA) 18 year olds and up can rent hotel rooms. Well, I lost my virginity at 18, and you obviously did at 19, so I really can't look down on that, now can I? :-P

Where are you from? Some hotels say you have to be 21 here, but everyone knows you just need to be 18. To use priceline.com you're supposed to be 21, and I just used it the other week for a group of friends of mine, and I'm only 19.

Anyway, I hope you and your boyfriend's sex life improves... :-)


Posts: 59 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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