ive been sexually active for a while now, with who i hope is the love of my life.
when we first started getting into the idea of sharing eachothers bodies, i layed some rules on the table without negotiation. 1) it has to be protected. one of us will get a condom, we will both learn how to put it on, and we will use it no matter what.
2) it has to be special. i don't want it to be his penis coming outta his zipper and my pants down at my ankles in some nasty alley or whatever. wherever we do it, it has to be a quiet place, without ne one else and where we will definatly not have ne inturruptions.
3) foreplay before, cuddling after. quickies aren't big with me, not when im just first starting out.
just thought i'd share for people who are starting out. i must admit that recently, while we ALWAYS use a condom, rules 2&3 have somewhat been skipped out on because we dont have a lot of time with work and all. it does make you feel more comfortable, you'll know that your partner isn't just going to be, I WANT SEX! I GETTING SEX! I GOT SEX! ADIOS, SEE YA NEXT TIME IM HORNEY.
do ne of you have rules for sex? id like to hear them!
I have an absolute definite safer sex rule. I also have a rule that I don't have casual sex if I've been depressed recently, because I might be doing it for the wrong reasons, namely low self-esteem, and I can never tell at that point whether or not I really want to. Also, as much as I try to convince myself that virginity doesn't mean anything and is just a silly patriarchal construct, I still have a rule about when I will have intercourse for the first time. I'm not making the rule that I must be in a relationship for 3 months first, or that I must be in love. I'm sticking with the rule that I must care about, like, and respect the person. I'm adding the rule that I must have made the decision to have intercourse at least one day in advance. I don't want it to be a spur of the moment decision that I will regret. If I actually think things over first, I don't regret decisions that I make. But if it's not so much of a decision as something that just happens, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
Heres some stuff that you should check out. Its the sex readiness check list. These are most (or all) of the things that you should be prepared for when you *think* you are ready for sexual intercourse. You shouldnt just go by your rules, there are a lot of different factors that go along with being ready for sex. http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/readiness.html
------------------ *~*~12/3/99*~* *~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)
I'll add one to your list. Having a "What If" plan. Once my boyfriend and I sat down and really talked about the risk of getting pregnant even with contraceptives, we made a serious plan. Our plan is to go the adoption route-- we even have agency numbers. Before the plan, I wanted to have sex, but something didn't feel totally right. After we made the plan, I really feel ready to take this step. We both have already discussed the crisis that could happen, and already know how we want to deal with it. It's a great idea to make a plan, and I highly recommend discussing this with your partner!!
PS I will add that after sending my guy to the Sex Readiness site and talking a lot on our own about sex, he did somewhat roll his eyes when I said we still had one more thing to discuss (the What If plan). However, this is something I insisted on. You will feel much more at ease, and I think I've been able to relax more-- I'm really excited to just enjoy the moment when it comes up, and not have to worry about STDs and pregnancy.
My rules (well my partner and my's rules) go as follows.
1)Condom, Condom, Condom!!!! We both practiced putting them on him so we would know how when the time came.
2)We will not use sex as a resolution for our problems. If anything is bothering us, we will talk about it before anything sexual happens.
3)We also made it understood that if either him or I doesn't feel like having sex on a given day doesn't mean that we love the other any less or are mad or something. It just means that we don't want to have sex.
4)We also have a what if plan. We decided that if I were to become preggers before I gradutated from high school (he's 2 years older than me), we would go through an adoption. If it happened after I was done with high school, I would keep the baby.
5)I guess this isn't a rule, but we both got tested for STD's and STI's before we started having sexual relations AND we contine to get tested every 6 months.
I second the "What If" plan. My boyfriend and I have not had intercourse yet, and all the "what if's" are the reason why. We have had *many* discussions about sex, but in the past we always seemed to avoid the question of what we would do if I got pregnant. Sure, we talked about using protection to prevent pregnancy, but we never discussed what we would do if the protection failed.
When we finally DID bring that up, we realized we're just not ready to deal with all the possible consequences of intercourse.
I think my most basic rule when it comes to anything sexual is to talk about EVERYTHING. If one of us doesn't feel satisfied, we want to try something new, we don't feel comfortable with something, etc, we've come to the point where we're fully expected to communicate that to each other.
Of course this rule does get broken occasionally, but all in all I think it's helped us to be completely open and honest with each other, in other areas of our relationship as well.
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