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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » The big "V"

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Author Topic: The big "V"
Mary
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"Virginity". That's right: I said it, and I have it. And I'm dern proud of it, too!

With so many pressures from friends and society, it can be hard to feel good about your virginity. Because sex is "so cool, and it makes you a woman, and it feels so good every time, and if you do it you'll be popular". Of course none of those things are true, but when you hear them so many times it can make you feel a little down if you're saving yourself.

But I truly think that saving yourself for the right person and when when you're ready is the best way to go. And if that time happens to come when you're 30, then so be it! Would you rather lose your virginity to a guy names Billy-Bob in a station wagon just for the sake of losing it, or would you rather wait and spend a night with someone you love?

So what do you guys think about your virginity? Are you glad you still have it? Are you glad you lost it when you did? And do you feel the pressures to have sex?

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Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

"Well, I use fertilizer and a new product I got at The Home Depot."


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justagirl04
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I want to lose my virginity when I am in a steady, loving relationship. Losing it is a very big deal to me... I want it to be special and well- planned.

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When all else fails... look up!!!


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Please bear in mind that not all of us gget or got to choose when we had first intercourse or when we "lost our virginity." For those of us who were molested or raped, it was a mute issue. And in a society which puts such a massive amount of value on a woman's "chaste" body, it can be REALLY disempowering and hurtful to even represent sexual interchanges in this way, especially for those who didn't have choices.

That said, my first consensual sexual experiences (since flatly, the difference between manual/oral sex and penis/vagina intercourse was/is a bit like the difference between eating apples or bananas with your cereral -- you're eating cereal regardless, it just tastes a bit different) were not at all formal, were highly casual, and were very friendly and warm. They were not with people who I felt were "the one" but with people who I really liked, loved or cared for a lot at the time, who I felt comfortable with both physically and emotionally.

And that was just perfect for me. Flatly, having been a rape victim, a huge amount of fanfare would have made me very uncomfortable, as would have been makinng something out to be some sort of sacrificial rite.

Honestly, our meek attempts at such presentation either did make me uncomfortable or made me laugh outright.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Mary
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Sorry, Miz S. I guess I didn't take that into acount when I was typing up the post... My apologies to everyone. I really didn't mean to impose anything.

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Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

"Well, I use fertilizer and a new product I got at The Home Depot."


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Heather
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No need to be -- it can be hard to remember experiences or perspectives one has never had, eh?

Just felt a reminder was a good idea.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Milke
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I never cared too much either way, and then the 'True Love Waits' movement got media attention, and I got sort of embarassed by the whole thing. I was a virgin because I'd never had sex; it wasn't a statement, or at all political, but a lot of people seemed to assume it must mean something. I've been a vegetarian since I was thirteen, I'm politically active and informed . . . and people decide virginity's actually important? It's not enough of a cause to me. Safer sex and prevention of abuse and help for its victims are both worthwhile causes, but one that wasn't even original enough not to steal it's name from a dead rock star wasn't worth it for me.
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Lin
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Yep, yep. Like Milke, my virginity never meant alot to me. Losing my virginity meant having penis-in-vagina intercourse.

When I finally did it, it was like "okay, so what did I lose?" The emphasis that was put on a girl and her virginity was amazing.

But I believe now that if I had the Readiness Checklist with me at that point of time, i would definitely have waited because geez, reading the checklist now has showed me that I so wasn't ready for sex then.



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Rizzo
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When I was a virgin, I was happy to be a virgin. Now that I am not, I am happy not to be a virgin.

I was lucky enough that my "first time" was with someone I loved, and still do. I often think of the first time, because I'm sentimental, but realistically, it was no better than any other time. It didn't make me feel profoundly different, because I'd been doing other very intimate things with my partner for months. When I told my friend I'd lost my virginity, her response was "Wow, you're exactly the same!"

So basically, I think losing your virginity does change on you (for better or worse), but for me, "losing it" was a gradual process which involved just as much thinking and soul searching as it did physical actions.


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Country Girl
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I still possess my virginity at 19, almost 20 and am quite thrilled that I have waited. I am in a very steady relationship with a wonderful 26 year old man and we both are glad that we have waited for the full year and a half that we have been together. He has had a few sexual relationships previously but none that have lasted so long. I have always felt proud about it but I feel that when we decide to have sex, it will be done right- condom, pill, and all. I must say that I am much more comfortable with the idea now than I was over a year ago. We have come to trust each other tremendously and our boundaries. I know his intentions and we both feel that sex is NOT going to make or break our relationship... it shouldn't and it won't.

I chose to keep my virginity my means of my OWN personal doing... not what my friends thought was "cool" and I will only have sex when I feel totally prepared, both mentally and physically. No regrets is a good thing. My guy is an amazing person and the fact that we communicate about it and other things has created a very open and understanding relationship.

So... to answer your questions, I am thrilled to still possess my virginity... to not have lost it to some "Joe Schmoe", passing through town... and the pressures are there but it is all a matter of doing what you truly feel is right in your heart AND your head.

For those who have already lost it due to some incriminating circumstances (rape or such), I don't have a clue what that must be like. But I can, however, only hope that you find someone that can treat you the way that you truly deserve...with all the respect and dignity the world possesses.

In closing, I must say that Scarlteen has opened my eyes. My guy and I were having another "sex talk" the other day and I blurted out that I'd like him to get tested beforehand. He said Sure! Phew! Before I came upon this site, I was chatting with an old friend of mine who was talking all about her sex life and telling me to get on the pill. I agree whole-heartedly now but was a skeptic until I found this site. I am still learning but I feel much more able to make a responsible decision and know of the risks. Thanks for keeping me informed!


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Gumdrop Girl
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glad you're sharing scarleteen info with your guy, country girl.

hmm, i am a sexually active 20-year-old. i think abstinance is a great thing, but under the circumstances, abstinance just wasn't right for me anymore. i'm in a loving, monogamous, long-term relationship at the moment. i am extremely attracted to my partner. so for us, sex is the right thing. i'm sure there will be other times in my life when abstinance and celibacy will fit my lifestyle better. when that time comes, that's what i'll do.

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i use angst


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short stuff
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i am a virgin. i am proud of myself too. but i do love my boyfriend and i do want to have sex with hum BUT i know i am not ready for the emotional and physical stuff that comes along with sex. i feel that when i am ready and am 110% ready for both (the emotional and physical feelings) i will find someone that i love and that loves me.

i also love is a very important part of sex to me. if i do not love my partner then i will not share something so intimate with them because that will be something i will regret.

i do feel pressure from my boyfriend about sex i wont deny that but he does respect my choice to wait. i am very thankful for that. all people should always have a right to sex and if they are being pressured, do something about it.

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(heart) always, torrance

*so you stole my world, now i'm just a phony*
*i need to know if you were real, i'd hate to think that i've been fooled again*


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Daniel
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Well, I lost mine at 18. I didn't give a damn about external pressure, I did what I thought was right, and the only other person that I even considered when I made my choice was my girlfriend, whom I have loved very much for the last year or so.

But was I waiting for the one I love? No, not really. I was waiting for someone I wanted to have sex with. It may have been a bit mroe special as I was so in love with the girl, but please, don't give me any credit for that.


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Mary
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It sounds like everyone is happy about their first time having sex in a relationship where the act and decision was mutual. That's great . I'm learning a lot about the decision to have sex from your posts... They're really widening my perspective on this subject. And it's interesting to read about the individual choices to substain from intercourse (when the choice is theirs and their partners). I hope I'm getting my thoughts out correctly as to not hurt or forget anyone who DIDN'T have a choice.

I choose to remain a virgin, because having sex (not just sexual intercourse) is very important and special to me. I want my first time to be with someone that I love in celebration of our love, relationship, and intimacy. But that's just what I want, and I now realize how many other views and reasons other people have.

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Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

"Well, I use fertilizer and a new product I got at The Home Depot."


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alaska
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The concept of “saving myself” was nothing that ever came to my mind when I first became sexually active and that I can –honestly- hardly understand.

For me personally, this concept carries with it the ancient, middle aged notion that a woman is worthless/spoiled/impure once she has had sex (in the wide Scarleteen sense), and just as Heather said, this is a very hurtful and dis-empowering thing.

For me, sexuality is something that can –over a life span- be shared with many people, not just “THE ONE AND ONLY™”. IMO, being sexual with someone can be many things, too - an expression of love and intimacy just as well as of lust or friendship or desire or something purely physical or a whole bunch of other things or a mixture of them all.

I have had a few partners, some I was deeply in love with, some whoe were friends, some who were people I was simply attracted to for a night. With each of my partners, being sexual was different and “a first time” in a way, too.
It wasn't always "the epitome of love". But it was always different, and always special.

My “Virginity” never mattered to me. It was never something that defined me. Never something that said anything about me apart from the fact that there had never been a penis in my vagina.

Just as Lin, when I first had sexual intercourse, I had sexual intercourse. A penis I my vagina. So what?! A zillion things had happened before that (and have since happened) that were no less intimate or no less worthy or no less sexual or no less loving or intimate (if I wanted that encounter to be that). So what.

I deeply loved that person, yes, yet I never believed he was “The One™”, and that really wasn’t necessary anyway. I remember him fondly, but then I do that with most of my partners.
In my opinion, it’s not important to wait for “The One™” but a lot more important to be ready in the sense of our lovely readiness checklist.

Who dares to judge that you can’t have a wonderful first intercourse experience with the guy who travels through town just to never be seen afterwards? What might not be right for you might be right for someone else. – Not everyone wants or needs a stable/monogamous/lasting relationship to experience first intercourse - it can be just a good an experience with someone you just met. I personally chose a relatively uncommon relationship scenario, and for me, that was right, even though I wasn’t truly “ready” in the Scarleteen sense, which of course wasn't the best thing ever. It was still a good experience.

In any way, I believe everyone has to define for him and herself whether virginity is or isn’t important for him or her.

If someone decides -on his or her own, without outside presure- to see virginity and The First Time™as something important and special that needs to be preserved and celebrated, then fine. But let's not forget that it's just as fine if someone does not regard it as important and can't understand the fuss some people make about it.

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"We must become the change we want to see."
Mahatma Gandhi

[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 05-25-2001).]


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CallMeBuffChick
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Well, let me think. This whole "non-virgin" thing is new to me

Wednesday night was a special night for me and my partner. He was my first, and I was very happy to be with him.

He was the right guy. He was very gentle and careing. Just what I wanted. Of course it hurt for me, so when I said 'owe' he pulled out and made sure I was ok. That made me feel good inside. But if I could have choose a differant place I would have but that was the last thing on my mine.

So your answer to the question Mary is yes, I'm glad I lost it when I did and with who. Oh and there was no pressures at all.

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~*~.~*~.~*~.~*~
.:.Christine.:.
~*~.~*~.~*~.~*~


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KittenGoddess
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I do think virginity is a very subjective concept. I mean, what makes you a virgin anyway, right? I sometimes find it odd now that I consider myself to be both a "virgin" and sexually active at the same time. But to me, it's more honest to call what happens between my boyfriend and I what it really is...sex. And yet, I still do consider myself to be a virgin. Confused yet? lol

~KittenGoddess

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the kittenblog

"Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys!"
~from 'Bring It On'


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Siren
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I never placed a big emphasis on "virginity". To me, sex was something that happened when you got older. When I told people I was a virgin, it meant only that I had never had sexual intercourse. It wasn't something I felt I had to be in love to do, or something I had to save myself for. It was just a wonderful way to express affection to someone in a physical way, or just something fun.

I had sex for the first time when I was 14. Yes, there was pressure from people to have sex. I was the only "virgin" in my group of friends. So, when the opportunity to have sex arose, and my boyfriend asked, I decided to do it. And I really don't have any regrets about it.

Now I'm 20, and I feel absolutely no pressure to have sex. My current boyfriend and I have sex because we want to. We are responsible about it, and we like that aspect of our relationship.

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Lil Siren
-Scarleteen Advocate
"Those are some BIG ice cubes...."


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