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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Normal Concern or Valid Fear?

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Author Topic: Normal Concern or Valid Fear?
Member # 3771

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I should really be in bed, but my boyfriend and I had the sex talk again tonight. We're very open about this; I sent him an e-mail about all my "requirements", if you wil, for having sex. If we do, that is.
I'm worried about getting pregnant. I'm on the Pill. He'll use a condom correctly. It's a 6 in 10,000 chance, but I'm still worried. I want to be an oral surgeon and I was recently accepted into a program that could get me through dental school in 6 years; my boyfriend is very smart and is going into pre-med. We obviously have a lot at stake here. I know I want to have sex with him. We've been to the readiness checklist, talked about "what ifs?" countless times, and discussed, dissected and poured over the pregnancy issue. He's going with the reasons to have sex outweigh the consequences. I'm still on the fence.
It would help a lot to know if my anxiety over this is a normal concern you should have going into sex, or if this is a valid fear, and I should listen to my intution. It's not whether we can handle it; I think it's the entire situation that frightens me. We both want to make the right decision regarding this; we don't ever want to regret this, so has anyone else had these fears? If so; what did you do? Thank you so so so so much!!

Take Care,

Posts: 60 | From: Michigan, US | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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My personal feeling about this is that if you are anxious/worried/frightened/nervous about the consequences of your having sex, and about your sexual encounter, you are not ready.

Are you ready for a pregnancy? If not, you aren't ready for sex. No birth control method is perfect.

Really, honey, go with your gut on this. If you don't feel ready, you aren't ready. Sex is going to be there tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Wait till you are absolutely ready - emotionally, physically, financially.

~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

want to know the inner lemming? read her diary at
"Is love like the sweet, bitter taste of marmalade on burnt toast?"

Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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You know honey, it really is both.

Alot of males and females are very concerned about pregnancy and for good reason as well but at the same time, abstinence is the only way you can be 100% sure you won't get pregnanct so it is also a valid fear.

You have done all the things you are supposed to do but you are still worried. None of us here, no matter how protected we are during sex, is absolutely sure we won't get pregnant as well. We are one of the greatest purchasers of pregnancy test kits as well.

What I suggest is that if you are really worried, wait. You do not need to have sex now or even two months later. You have to understand that you could get pregnant and you also need to know if that happens, what you are going to do. If you want to keep the child, can you bring a child up? Do you have the resources to bring a child up. If you want to abort, do you have enough money to go through an abortion? Can you deal with the emotional pain, if any?

If you are genuinely frightened,wait. Move into a sexually active relationship only when you are absolutely sure you are ready. No one is saying that you should go in when you have no fears about pregnancy. You should always know that pregnancy can and will occur when you have sexual intercourse, however safe you think you might be. But if you are almost paralysed by the thought of being pregnant, take a deep breath and reconsider if you want to go through with this.

I had unprotected sex for 2 freaking years and every month, I was paralysed at the thought that I would get pregnant. Yes, I was stupid at that time. No excuse. Now, I am on the Pill and I still get worried but I know that should the situation arise, I can deal with it.

So hon, besides doing all the reading and the preparation I think you should also sit down by yourself and really think this through. Good luck dearie.

[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 05-21-2001).]

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Member # 568

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If you are having reservations about the matter, then it really is in your best interest to wait it out. i'm sure your boyfriend won't love you any less -- if he does, then he's not worth it, that's for sure.

in either case, i think it's good to listen to thatnagging voice in your head -- she's looking out for you

and good luck with the pre-dent. i'm pre-med and i know how crazy it can get.

i use angst

Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 406

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Numero uno: mad props to you guys. It's so awesome that you guys are preparing for this and talking about it and being open about it. It shows that you're obviously mature enough to have sex and that you and your boy respect and love each other

Numero dos: yeah, you could get pregnant. Yeah, you could get hit by a bus, but you still cross the street. I'm not telling you to have sex, I'm telling you to think about it, think about the chances, think abotu the consequenses and how you'd handle it. It seems like you already have, and you're still anxious about it. Of course it's okay to be anxious, but if you're not ready, then don't do it.

Like everyone else said, sex will always be there, and you gotta decide what you want to do, because *you* know yourself and yoru relationship best.

Scarleteen Advocate

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1950

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something you may want to think about, which is one of my requirements as it were: make sure you both know, and agree, on what do do if you get pregnant. if you would have an abortion, who's paying? where would you have it? if you would put the child up for adoption, what kind of adoption agency would you like to use? do you know the number for one? if you would keep the baby, how would you manage, who would take time off school? before the first time i had sex i knew the number of an adoption agency that covered prenatal care in my area, and i'd called them to see what their policies were like. i had also informed my guy that that was my "what if" plan and made SURE that he would be ok with it. then i stopped being scared. i still wouldn't be happy if i got pregnant, but i know what i'd do. the number to call is in my purse, and my guy and i talk about it again every so often to make sure we're still on the same page (he was adopted so he's totally ok with the idea). i dunno if it would work for you, but making darn sure i knew what i'd do was what made me ready for sex.

"-and i hope i'm not shooting my mouth off...again...and i pray i'm not tempting the fates....."
-james, off millionaires

Posts: 219 | From: lost in yonkers | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3771

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I think what you said is really important. One thing we haven't done is decided on a definite "what if" plan. My boyfriend has said numerous times he "could handle it", but I think that we need a plan. It would also be helpful, because I think, even if we decide we're ready and can handle the consequences, we'd be devastated. One of the things that kind of made me think was when I asked my bf what would happen if I got pregnant, and he said, "I would be devastated, but I'd stick by you. I'd feel horrible because it would ruin your dreams of becoming an oral surgeon..." And my post-initial reaction was "And what will *you* give up?" I don't think its too much to ask. I really appreciate all of the advice-- I feel very confident about whatever decision I make.

If other people are reading this, I think my most important piece of advice so far is that this is the first decision you make in your relationship that will truly affect you as a couple. Nothing else so far has cemented you (probably not, at least) like this will-- and you can't just think about that night. You need to think about the future. That is really how we are looking at this.

I think making a definite "what if" plan is a great idea-- I'll definately do that. Thanks again so much to all of you! I so appreaciate your help!

Take Care,

Posts: 60 | From: Michigan, US | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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