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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Talking about sex with your partner (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Talking about sex with your partner
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How are you guys doing with that? In terms of talking about birth control and safer sex, or in terms of talking about your sexual wants, needs or limts, how is that going for you?

It certainly isn't always easy, especially when the whole thing is new to you, and it can feel a little bit awkward at first, or with a new partner.

Any serious woes about it, ar any helpful hints for your fellow posters?

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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i talk to my husbadn about everything. anything i think i say to him. it has always been like that since i met him. he is my best friend. he knows that he can talk to me about anything too. we are really open with each other. i love our relationship becasue we are best friends and we get along really well now. we found that if we are going to be together we might as well not be afraid to talk to the other person about the way we feel. if we dont communicate our relationship wont last. we wont have a relationship. so dont be afraid to talk to your partners about anything. if you cant talk to them and they cant talk to you, what kind of relationship do you have? how long will it last without communicating?


Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hmm. Admission time. When I started having sex with my bf, we weren't very big on contraception.

In fact I had no idea one used condoms for oral sex. We never used condoms when we had sex becuase he didn't like it. And by God's will, I never got pregnant or got an STD. We are talking 1 and a half years of unprotected sex here.

I would get scared sometimes especially if my period was late but I never did tell him about my fears or syggest contraception. Since I've been on the boards, I've been pretty much abstaining. We have only done it a handful of times. Protected. Relax.

I spoke to him about it and I'm going to see the gynae nect week for a thorough check up as well as to get myself on the pill.

He found it quite weird that I felt uncomfortable talking to him and has since ordered me nicely to tell him everything from now on.

When it comes to what I want during sex, he is very very open about everything. And I feel very comfortable talking to him about things that would have made me blush and cover my face.

Money Saver Tip:Don't waste money on expensive, tawdry wiglets. Collect all the hair you shave off your legs, armpits and eyebrows for 6 months and glue carefully onto an Alice band. Voila Instant luxurious tresses - Kaz Cooke

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For a while I was really worried about talking to my boyfriend about sex. Until I got with my current boyfriend. We are completely open with each other. We've talked about when we're going to have sex (we are both virgins) and we've also decided we are going to use protection. He's told me that he does want to have sex, but he doesn't want to push me into anything. He said he'll wait as long as he has to for me to be ready. Everything has stayed really open between us. If I need to know something about him, I'll just ask. It's great!

I'm really glad I have such an open relationship, especialy about things like sex. For any of you girls (or guys) who don't talk about it, I really hope you can sit your partner down and try to talk about it. Two people can have very different expectations and it is much easier if you know what those are.


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I can remember a point in my life where I literally couldn't talk about sex with a partner -- I would have the thoughts in my head, but my throat would close over and I couldn't get them out. Fortunately, my partners at the time were very patient with me.

Why was I like this? Well, I had some serious guilt and fear issues going on with regard to sex, as well as being afraid that my body was so unacceptable that talking about it would be a disaster. I was afraid that if I asked for what I wanted, or talked about what was good, that my partners would decided that they couldn't do that for me and leave.

So I had to work on that, and now I'm at a point where I can talk to my partners about anything, and that's a good thing. But yeah, I've made a lot of mistakes on the way and I'll probably make some more.

Go to bed, Miz S!

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Talking about sex with your partner is difficult! It just is! We aren't given many chances to practice that sort of thing... it's hard enough just to get some basic information about sex... and yet it's crucially important that you do talk about it, and talk about it well. I think more sex-positive people should admit that it's a hard thing to do as a young teen or someone in a new relationship or both. And believe it or not, I think it takes practice, too. That's no excuse not to have The Conversation before becoming sexually active, I'm just kind of making a call for honesty. Talking about sex for the first time with someone you want to have sex with is HARD!

That said, it's a great deal of fun too. It's empowering to be able to talk about important things that you usually can't. It's a big rush to say things that you're usually not supposed to. It's a delight to admit things about yourself that you might not have told anyone before, and find that you're accepted and loved for it. It's a good way to build intimacy. And of course, it's just vastly important.

I knew all this, and I still kinda screwed it up. (The first time, I mean. Not really bad, or anything... I think I'm pretty good at it now!)

If you're really shy, I'd recommend maybe starting off the conversation with an outside source. A book or a website (hmmmm, can you think of one?) or even one of those stupid radio shows or something. "The Cartoon Guide to Sex," as I mentioned in the literature section, seems very well suited to this. It's best to be very well-educated before hand. The more research you do, the better, because your partner might just not know some things--good condom brands, that it's not effective to not use a condom and "pull out," that most women don't orgasm from intercourse... (and of course, s/he won't know anything about you or your personal preferences) So it's good to have some friendly outside references and be very clear and very solid on your facts.

Much less seriously, the other difficult thing is vocabulary. What words do you use? What's the line between cute and degrading? Clinical and straightforward? Maybe a topic for another thread...

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Talking about sex happens frequently in my relationship, but its kind of hard to talk about. I dont really have an embarrasment issue, and neither does he (at least none that i can see or that he has expressed). Its just that I enjoy certain activities that dont suit his personality. Like i wish he would be more dominate but he just cant do that for me, so it makes it difficult to tell him these things because i know it makes him feel bad that he cant do that for me. But he knows i love him no matter what.

Safer sex was never really an issue. Before i met him in person (we started as an online thing) and before i ever came to this site he was the one pushing the use of condoms, not me.

And there is only one more problem, when we do talk about sex.. he doesnt give much feedback. He doesnt like to talk that much so its ussually one sided. But i have learned to handle that.

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We are very open when we talk about sex. But I think he's alittle to open thou. He has no problem telling my about his past sex life. Such as he didn't mind telling me he got semen in a girls hair. It's kinda like, 'Oh really...', I try not to let it get to me.

We talk about masturbation, fantasies, and we even had phone sex a couple times. We ask each other what we were thinking when we were having manual and oral sex.

I've never been this open with anyone at all. It makes me feel good to know that I can trust someone so much.

~*~Buff Chick~*~
*kiss*kiss* to my Karamel Kid! :)

"No one can stop you from who you love and the one love is who you love."

"Never frown because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile."

Watch out! I'm a awful speller. *hehe*

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Gumdrop Girl
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I plan on being a physician later on down the line, and with that, I'll have to dispense safer sex, pregnancy and STD advice as a professional. It would be hypocritical of me not to follow that advice in my own life.

When I started being sexually active, I made it clear to my boyfriend that I will only practice safer sex techniques. He was perfectly fine with this condition.

I'm perfectly comfortable talking about sex to my boyfriend, and random strangers (try me, just walk up to me and ask me about safe sex and I'll give you an earful). They're just words. (hehehe, I just said "condom." say it with me "[/b]condom[/b].")And in the right combination, they can save lives. It's important advice. It's important in practice.

Inspected by Number 26

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Me and my boyfriend both agreed that if we couldn't even talk about sex with each other then we def weren't ready. So we waited a couple more months until we felt comfortable talking about condoms and sex. We gradually got more intimate and when we did have sex for the first time, it was with a condom and I was on the pill. I'm glad we waited until we were both ready to talk about it first.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseats cause kids! (So be careful!) Luvs to Jeremy!

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My partner and I have little trouble communicating about sex. The only part that we seem to be not so good at (but we're working on...) is actually talking to one another while we're being intimate. You know, we just have trouble telling each other exactly what we want.

"No, a little to the right, and softer..." -- that sort of thing.

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I never ever had a problem with communicating with my boyfriend, we tell eachother flat out what we like an what we dont like!

Its great, so we know that we arent keeping anything from eachother!

Its the best feeling in the world to know that somebody loves you more then anything in the world! *~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

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My partner and I, we talk about sex and everything connected (birth control, wants and needs, ideas, STD's and whatnot) sort of all the time. - We have reached a point in our relationship when it's just another topic between us, - we've been together for over a year now and hence had all the basic negotiations a while back and are still happy with them. In the beginning, it was a little difficult to talk about sex - I am very open (yeah Gumdrop guess we're pretty similar, I always talk about Safer Sex and whatnot as well - to anyone) and I guess he needed some time to get used to it. These days, we're so open, that I still sometimes can't believe it.

Anyway. In general, I think Sex should be a topic just like all others. I mean - let's get rid of embarrasing "We gotta talk" situations and just TALK. SO much easier.

Just a regular lunatic.
Go inside Alaska's head...

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I am VERYYYY lucky with my boyfriend. We are so comfortable with eachother. He's my best friend, literally. If we have an akward question to ask we always prepare eachother and then spill. We're usually on the same track with what eachother is thinking. I say just be comfortable. We talked about birth control and he offered to go with me to get it, but I wanted to do it myself. I'm also lucky to have a mom that I can talk to. She got me a gyno and loves my boyfriend. So everybody else needs to just get comfortable with the people in their lives.
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I've always been good at talking about sex, STD's, condoms, birth control, with all my partners.

My current boyfriend and I talked about sex and safer sex before we were together. He talked to me about it because me and my ex boyfriend never used condoms and I was going in for an STD screen and was pretty nervous. So we talked about condoms, birth control, what would happen if I got pregnant, got an STD or STI. He lectured me about how I shouldn't put myself in the position of getting any kind of disease or getting pregnant before I'm done with school. It was a very interesting conversation. I like talking about sex!

}{*Starry Ali*}{
"D'you get scared to feel so much? To let somebody touch you? So hot, so cold, so far, so out of control. Hard to come by, and harder to hold."

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This is kind of a bad area for my boyfriend and me. We haven't had sex yet but have talked about it and the short version is that I want it, he doesn't, and it puts a strain on our relationship sometimes. I know we haven't really discussed what this all means to us... I haven't told him everything that's on my mind, and I'm sure he hasn't told me everything either. Bright side is that when it does happen we're definitely going to be ready.

On the highway of life,
avoid roadkilled skunks

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Starry Night
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Great topic, Miz Scarlet!
I've been really lucky in that my current boyfriend of 4 months has been my best friend for the past 2 years. We can and have talked about everything and we haven't had sex yet. But it helps to know that when we do decide to have sex in the future, we'll be ready.

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I have little trouble talking about sexual basics or safety with my partner or anyone else, but talking about personal stuff can be tricky, as I get shy. I also think I've embarassed my partner at times by giving other people advice plainly and openly, but the recipients always seemed glad for it, so I'm not going to stop any time soon.
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since i'm currently pregnant, discussion about sex/birth control has obviously been at the forefront of my relationship. my boyfriend and i have always done pretty well at it. he's my best friend in addition to being my boyfriend, so that makes things easier.

i must admit, when we first started out, it was much harder for me. i do think that having my boyfriend come to my yearly exam, and most recently my pregnancy test & prenatal appointment have helped loosen things up a bit as far as communication goes.

"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead

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well i think we do pretty well, with birth control and stuff, i'm like "this is what i need to do so i won't ever have to get an abortion or have an unwanted child" and he says "sounds good to me, any side effects?" and i tell him.

as far as wants and needs, he doesn't seem very i dunno, needing anything, i think, i dunno, but i'm trying to get a reserved weekend to explore both of our wants and needs, because we really talk about everything, but theres somethings that you can't really say, you can just show, or instruct, and we don't get much privet time. I guess mainly i organize most of the stuff that needs to be done, he's more easy going, and i'm more kinda, damanding, and anal.

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Sex has never been an issue before, mainly because I'd never been in a relationship before this. But now I'm in a relationship, and it is an issue. I think that we've been very mature about it really. And honestly I think that me being involved at Scarleteen has had a big part in how well it all has gone.

At first, we didn't really discuss it much because we weren't sure how the physical dynamic of our relationship (long distance relationship which began on the internet) would work out. Basically the only real discussion of it was that we weren't going to have sex (read 'intercourse'), and that other than that, we'd go as far as I felt comfortable with. And of course, things between us were better than we'd ever expected, thus things moved faster than we'd expected (no intercourse, but more than either of us had ever imagined I think). So that meant that a serious discussion about sex and limits and all that was very necessary all of a sudden.

And that discussion went really really well. For me at least, it wasn't uncomfortable at all. We were both very open about where our limits are, and what precautions needed to be taken inside those limits. I know he found it refreshing to discuss it so openly. I really think it's been a good thing in our relationship, it's made us that much more open with each other.


the kittenblog

"What is the odds so long as the fire of soul is kindled..."
~Charles Dickens

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So, on another online forum, I was enagaged in a condom brand comparison with some people there.

My partner Allan read it and told me "You know, seeing you compare condom brands is a real turn-on."

He thinks talking about safer sex is sexy. Woohoo.


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*Leans forward and sighs deeply. Speaks, in breathy voice* I'm not too fond of the spermicide on these ones, but the lube on the coloured ones is sooo nice . . . And ohhh, the flavours . . .

Oh, Erin, what an image!

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Actually, I think it's more "Oh, if she's talking about buying condoms, that means that I might get to use them with her!" I hope.


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Lisa D
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I admit, i've always been very comfortable talking about birth control and safer sex (we are talking about lives here!) but when I was younger, I wasn't always very good at articulating what I wanted as far as my sexual encounters. I mean, I wasn't even sure *I* knew what I wanted, let alone telling someone else. Ah, the beauty of self-discovery. Now that I'm more experienced, I'm totally comfortable with it!

My partner and i have been together for over 5 years, so we can easily talk about any aspect of our sexuality. 'tis a wonderful thing.

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I am a sexual and reproductive health activist. That's what my mom has labled me as ... teehee

Hmm ... But yeah, anything to do w/ health and medicine has always been really easy for me to get interested in and talk about.

My partner and i talk about it openly as well. He's just as outspoken as i am (about everything ... hehe) so it works out wonderfully

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My boyfriend and I are pretty open with each other, considering we've only been together a little over a month. We were best friends before we started going out, and we've both had previous long-term relationships, so I think that's helping us- we're not 'newbies' to relationships and sex, and we knew each other while we were both with other people, and talked about our sex lives to some extent then, also.

Basically, most of the important things, we got over very quickly- we agreed that since we don't want to risk my getting pregnant, until I can get on the pill, we're quite simply not going to have sex. Both of us have had condoms break and such in the past, and neither of us want to risk our future together, or my education (I'm just about to start college, this fall). We have too much going for us now to screw it up, and we decided that within just a couple of weeks. We do other stuff, sure, but we're both looking out for each other, so neither of us lets the other one get too carried away.

It's good on an emotional level too- I know how much he really does care about me, and our relationship, since he's willing to really put that ahead of sex, despite the fact that he does want to do it. If anything, he's the more controlled one, and he knows it, but he doesn't abuse that situation in the least- quite the opposite. Plus, we're totally open about our pasts, as far as relationships, whether sexual or emotional, and that helps a lot. We don't get needlessly jealous over each others' past sex lives, we know we've both learnt from the past, and it's just left us better prepared for the relationship we're in now.

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I talk to everyone about sex, I've been called a Nympho a couple times... so I don't really have any problem discussing this topic with my boyfriend, although I doubt I'm going to have sex with him anytime soon.
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My boyfriend and i are so open about everything. we've been going out since april of 2000, and have been talking about having sex since May or so... he kept bringing it up, asking for my thoughts on things so much that i had to ask him to tone it down for a little while because i was so stressed about finals. but now we're on the right track. we talk about everything and we're so close.
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OK, here's a horror story for you people. I'm 17 and I've now been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months and we talk about sex...alot. but it wasn't easy at first. i had always told myself i would wait until i knew i loved someone to have sex, and well, when i found myself falling in love with him and wanting to have sex, it scared me really bad. on our 6th month anniversary we both said the big *L* word for the first time. This is quite embarrassing, but i look back and laugh, so i hope it amuses all of you. we were fooling around and he was about to go down on me and i just started bawling my eyes out. needless to say he FREAKED out. (wouldn't you?) he had no idea what to do or what was wrong. he told me maybe it would be a good idea to get dressed and spent about an hour trying to calm me down before i actually told him what i was thinking about. i can't really say why at that moment i lost it, but i did. ive never been good at expressing how i feel outloud, esp. with the topic of sex. once i finally confessed my fears and how i was feeling and everything we had a long talk, until my curfew practically. turns out he had been meaning to talk to me about it as well and we have many of the same views about when to have sex and being safe and such. now its really easy to talk about. had i just been open in the first place i know everything would have been ok too. so basically, the moral of the story is, just talk about it. if you can't talk to someone about having sex, you shouldn't be doing it.
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i remember the 1st time i ever talked about sex with my (now ex...)bf. it was a few wks into the relationship... i think that to talk about things like what your limits are and what you are comfortable with is best if you are not in a place where you are likely to get all over each other. i told him we needed to talk, so we went to a park that is by my school... he met me after school... we sat down in the grass and talked a little bit. at the time i was really uncomfortable with going past 1st. i told him how i felt, and my worries and yadda yadda yadda.

we talked also at night on the phone. also my father had walked in on us making out once and my father took it upon himself to tell my (now ex)bf about how hes not allowed to have sex with me... thats another story... but it kinda helped us to talk about it a little. we both knew we were not ready for sex, or anything past what we were doing at the moment.

at night we used to have these ask anything questions, that was usually when we would find out about each others turn-ons... things of that nature. or if we masterbated... anything like that.

i think if ur like me and really shy about talking about things like that you should do those ask anything and everything conversations. we would talk until around 3 in the morning and if anything i could blame it on sleep depravation. lol

i was never good talking face to face about sex or anything to do with sex... and it hasnt seemed to have gotten easier. =\

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My boyfriend's parents repeatedly tell him how they'll have me arrested if they catch us having sex. They also tend to drop in every...well, ten minutes, to check up on us. We live in different states, though, and when he visits me this summer, we'll at least have the privacy to cuddle without being stared at!

We've always been open about sex. Since we met online, we started playing around and having sort-of cyber sex (not actual cyber-sex, which seems pretty dull to us, just role-playing and whatever made it seem less lonely) before we'd ever met, we were much more comfortable. We must have spent easily weeks worth of time on the phone, as well, and naturally, we had phone sex.

We're very open, because we're best friends, too. He knows when I get my period, he makes sure that I remember my pills, and we've never had any problem with discussing safe sex. We have sex because we're in love, not just because we're horny, so of course we don't want to cause each other any problems! Both of us find condoms very uncomfortable (I'm mildly allergic to latex and a veggie, so I can't use lambskin), but we've used them up until I started on the pill. We've both been tested and have never slept with anyone else, and I can honestly say that there isn't anything that both of us don't feel comfortable doing together. We also know what the other enjoys; frankly, I don't think I'd want a sexual relationship with someone who I couldn't tell what I liked. What's the fun in that?

In fact, as irritating as some parts of our relationship can be (we can't live together and his parents are vultures!), I'm very grateful that I know that both of our needs can be met, and that both of us are far more comfortable, safe, educated, and loving than any of our respective parents are ever going to acknowledge. But it's too our benefit, I suppose-- they can think what they like.

Posts: 14 | From: Williamsport, PA, USA | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Well, I have both good and bad experiences with talking to my sex partners about sex.

In my first relationship, my girlfriend and I would be talking about oral sex (and incorporating it into our relationship) and I mentioned that we should use protection. She laughed. So, that never really went anywhere. And I'm glad it didn't.

Later, a male friend and I talked very openly about sex and practises of sex extremely comfortabley. It got to a point of discussing what we like sexually which sort of sparked our friendship to have a physical aspect, also. We became sexually involved with each other outside of the confines of a relationship (basically friends with benefits) and ultimately had sex. Everything was both emotionally and physically safe, protection was used, and we're still awesome friends.

So far, talking about things sexually has been going well for me. Everyone that I've had sexual contact with, barring my ex-girlfriend, has been very mature about it which made everything easier on both parties.

Posts: 290 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I guess, especially from reading some replies, that I am fairly lucky in this respect. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year (friends for two before that) and have been sexually active for a couple of months now. I was his first, but he had a couple of partners before me. I'm really shy by nature, and not completely comfortable talking about personal things such as that, but he's completely open and "makes" me be, too. He made sure that I was completely ready to take our relationship to that next step, and every time we're together, he makes sure that we only do what I want to do, and such. When the time came, we discussed all of our options, and decided together that I would start taking the BC pill and that we would use condoms. He has made the whole experience quite nice, by encouraging me to communicate with him. I know that had we not, which we wouldn't have had he not made it an important factor - we wouldn't be as close as we are, and our sexual relationship wouldn't have been nearly as satisfying. So, as someone who isn't 'all about' talking, I really encourage everyone to be with someone who they are friends with and comfortable with, so that when the time comes to discuss important sexual issues, it will come quite naturally.
Posts: 39 | From: Canton, Tx, USA | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Originally posted by Aileen_Asphodel:
Both of us find condoms very uncomfortable (I'm mildly allergic to latex and a veggie, so I can't use lambskin), but we've used them up until I started on the pill.

Don't let those things stop you from using condoms! Durex makes a condom called Avanti, which is made out of polyurethane instead of latex, and can be used by latex-sensitive people. The female condom is also made from polyurethane, and can be used by latex-sensitive people as well. Just FYI!

Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

"Take a little time for sunshine/Take a whole lot of time for love/...Take your life as it may come, 'cause boy, it'll be gone soon/Take a little time for howlin' at the moon..." - Sam Bush, "Howlin' at the Moon"

Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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