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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Selfish?

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Author Topic: Selfish?
Duff
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Okay, so My boyfriend and i have started having sex, and i seem to be more sexually motivated then he is, i always want to be touching or something. But the thing is I have never ever had an orgasam from anything in my life. I really want to, and recently i have been getting kinda upset afer he's ejaculated, just kinda feeling like i got a bad deal. I feel bad for being so angry, but everytime we get into stuff, he gets he's peice of pie and i just get to watch him eat it. i really like to make him happy but i'd like to be happy too! I really don't know what to do, but it's extremely frustrating!

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Ask away....


Posts: 162 | From: NYC | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SlowCookie
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Whoa, hold on a sec. It is not your boyfriend's fault that you don't orgasm. If you want to orgasm, masturbate. Besides, sex shouldn't be all about orgasms either. But before I get mad, I'll give you these links and I'll just hush up. Please, please read them.

Sexual Response, Orgasm and Popular Mechanics -- A Users Guide
First Sexual Intercourse Readiness Check
Masturbation
The Miracle of Masturbation

Also, I highly suggest communicating with your boyfriend.



Posts: 681 | From: Florida, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Duff, that isn't selfish on your part at all. Sounds to me like your sexual relationship right now is HIGHLY imbalanced.

It's time to have a good, long talk with your guy. You need to gently remind him that partnered sex is about TWO people being pleasured, not one. If either of you only wanted yourselves to have pleasure, you've got your own two hands, and they do quite nicely for that purpose.

Talk about that -- if he isn't ready to really handle the give and take, he just may not be ready for a bonafide sexual relationship with you yet, cookie. And you have some work of your own to do -- we can't expect a partner to "deliver" an orgasm. They don't know how things feel in our bodies, only we do. So some of that equality requires you telling him how you like to be touched, and what feels good to you. In addition, becoming orgasmic is really something that needs to happen with *you.* While our partners can certainly help, and we should all be experiencing pleasure, they can't usually make it happen FOR us, either.

You make it sound a bit like you have no choices here, and that isn't so. If you aren't getting anything out of this, don't do it, or don't do it in the way you are now. Set some limits and stick to them; voice your needs and be clear. If you don't, no one can know they aren't being met. And if you don't act on your own behalf, then he really isn't responsible for not acting accordingly.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 67115 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Duff
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I'm not saying that it's his responsibility, i'm not angry at him, i'm just upset about the situtaion. But no we do talk, we talk in the middle of sex we talk ALL THE TIME we'd be walking down the street talking about how hopefully he'll be able to help me have an orgasam. I feel bad for him, because he really wants me to feel that kind of pleasure, and he doesn't know what to do. I guess we just need to experiment more...
i love making love to him, but i hate not being able to be on the same level that he's on. I have tried masturbation! It just doesn't work, really not at all for me, it gives me more pleasure to be in my boyfriends arms then to be trying to masturbate. I guess practice will make perfect eh? But you guy's seem to think we don't communicate, and we totally do.

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SlowCookie
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Don't try to have an orgasm. If you make that your only goal, you'll probably never get one. Take your mind totally off of it. Just relax and enjoy the moment for what it is (I know you said that you do). Stressing about an orgasm isn't going to make it come any sooner.

If you haven't read the Sexual Response article yet, go check it out.


Posts: 681 | From: Florida, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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There is far too much emphasis today put on orgasm. Having an orgasm, and getting sexual pleasure out of something are two totally different things. Yeah, everybody else suggested masturbating, it's a good idea, it'll help you learn exactly what you like. And if you get more pleasure out of being with your boyfriend than with just masturbating, how about trying it with your boyfriend? But beyond that, I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself here. You said that you enjoy making love with your boyfriend...well then just enjoy it. If you're so foucused on how you have to have an orgasm, you're going to psych yourself right out of it. So just relax and tell yourself that you're going to enjoy the feelings you're experiencing, and maybe getting rid of all that "must have orgasm!" pressure will help.

~KittenGoddess

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"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
~Joan Crawford


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Lin
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Oh dearie I know exactly how you are feeling. But for me it's kinda the oppsosite. I used to get so upset that my bf took a long time to ejaculate and I felt so angry. Not at me or him. just at the situation.

I would say the advice given is good advice. Just go with the flow and tell yourself that what's important is that you are enjoying each other's company the intimacy that comes with it.

An Orgasm is really no earth shattering wonder. Really, it isn't. So just enjoy your time with your guy and masturbating is a really good way to find out what turns you on. And after you find out, tell that to your guy. Experiment, relax and have fun. That's really what sex is about.


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Milke
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But if your partner really is concerned about this problem, and wants to actively find a solution, rather than waiting for it to get better, there might be a few things you can do. My partner and I have noticed that sometimes sex seems to be more about one of us than the other. Nothing wrong with that, only, it can't be that way consistently. It might help to sometimes devote your love-making totally to him, and not worry about yourself at all -- and to have him at other times do the same. It may help get rid of some of the worry about feeling selfish -- or neglected. On occasions where everything's about you, ask for a backrub, or whatever else might help you relax (it truly does help), and then don't be afraid to ask for anything else, so long as it's nothing that truly bothers him (maybe going without condoms might be his desire, but it just ain't a negotiable thing). Same goes for him. Sounds a bit odd, but it can sometimes be helpful.
Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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