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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » orgasmless sex is NO FUN

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Author Topic: orgasmless sex is NO FUN
Member # 1906

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ere is the predicament:
1. boyfriend who is very close, best friend, mature relationship based on respect yadda yadda yadda was very depressed and unfullfilled a year+half ago about not being able to get me off SO as i weighed my options i realized that it was less work and hassle for the both of us for me to just fake them.
after all this time it has gotten somewhat depressing and seeing as we are so honest with one another i feel just a wee bit terrible about it. but
2. i can't get off. he can't get me off. it just doesn't feel good enough. it takes me a while to do it even although i enjoy it more than when he does it. this is not good, i have told him things he could do that i like but nothing seems to work and it is depressing. i am wondering if i have desensitized my happy-spot by rough masturbation/sex (seeing as it used to be very easy but now i have to go for a while with lots of pressure). Sigh. i hate to make sex into something in which i'm just waiting for it to be over or in it just to please him because it's futile for me.
SAVE me at
please, thankyou.

Posts: 1 | From: Paris, France | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Yo. Here's the real deal, cookie: sex isn't about orgasm. If that IS all it is about for you, you are seriously missing out, AND you shouldn't be doing it with a partner.

Sex without orgasm can actually be plenty of fun, and depending on your mood, sometimes even more fun. But if you come to it expecting your mind and body to work like a machine that your partner learns the operating system for, you are never going to experience that. And that'd be a sad, sad thing.

You're doing just about everything in the book that is known to keep you from being sexually satisfied with, and without a partner: you have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, you're faking orgasm, and you're only seeing the process of sex as a means to an end (orgasm).

Stop doing all of those things. Really. Right now. Quit it.

If sex isn't fun or enjoyable for you right now because you can't orgasm, then take a break, from masturbation and sex with your partner. While you're doing that, having a heart-to-heart with your partner about why you need a break and what you've been doing can not only help your sexual life, it can help save your relationship which you're muddling up in your quest for orgasm. If you're lying to him, let me be the first to tell you that isn't a basis for respect. Snap out of it, girl.

Enjoy your break. Give yourself, say, a month. No sex with a partner, no masturbation. Sometimes, when we decentralize the sensations we are giving our bodies, and change our sexual routines, we find our whole sexual world opens up to us, plus, it allows you time to think about where your head is really at, which I think needs doing ASAP.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
j. iscariot
Member # 3656

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the vibrator blues eh? is this still a problem? it's been a while, but i've some advice.
Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 961

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J, if you've some good, useful advice that's appropriate for these boards, do tell. otherwise, don't offer, we really don't want people exchanging e-mail addresses here because of all the major risks that come with it. And may I make it clear now that using a vibrator, or having rough sex, or masturbating harshly won't hurt you at all, or desensitize you unless you're actually injuring yourself, in which case desensitization is the least of your problems. Stella, sometimes people are just more interested in sex or sexually responsive than at other times; it's just how things are. Miz S. gave you some advice worthy of serious consideration.
Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2176

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I have nevr had an orgasam, and i have never faked one, i don't really focus on it too much unless theres something else thats not satisfing me, and i think that will help. But really for me sex isn't too much about the physicality, it's about the emotional power that comes with it. Maybe you should focus on that, it might help you enjoy things more.
Posts: 162 | From: NYC | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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I used to do the same thing to spare my bf's pride. But then after I got onto zee wonderful Scarleteen, I realised that I didn't have to do that.

Sex is alot more than orgasms. I do orgasm when I have sex now and I got there through nothing more than communication and experimentation.

Tell your bf what turns you on and what doesn't. Experiment when you are having sex. That is half the fun isn't it?

Miz S is right. While I never used to orgasm when I had sex it never was "bad" sex. I did enjoy myself but I just thought that for sex to be good, I had to orgasm. I was very wrong there.

So sweetie. Good sex does not equals orgasms. They can be mutually exclusive and if you find that you are really dreading sex or you simply don't enjoy it anymore, do as Miz S said and take a break.

And I think your bf needs to learn also that being a good lover is not about giving his/her partner multiple orgasms. And when you both learn that, you will probably enjoy sex a whole lot more.

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3146

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EEK! Sounds like u dont know what sex is for. Sure having an orgasm is great fun, but thats not what sex should be used for. Its a conection between two people that should be an intimate thing. As for the orgasm thing, try to realax take deep breaths, and if that doesnt work DIY! Just masterbate!

Sometimes you have to kiss ass, before you can kick it

Watch out! I spell awful!

Posts: 60 | From: over the rainbow | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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