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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » classic - canīt orgasm with gf

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Author Topic: classic - canīt orgasm with gf
4.exe
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well, i once asked here the same question but they have passed two months and i still have the same problem so...
i canīt have orgasms with my gf. we have great sex oral and manual sex, but when she do something to confort me (masturbates me, for example)i just canīt reach the point when "i know that i will have an orgasm".
I know itīs more than probably psychological, but i donīt know what to do.
I readed some technique that involved masturbating myself with my partner watching, then slowly she will start helping me until she masturbates me completely.
We tried once, i masturbated me ītil the end while she watched and caressed me, and it was ok. But the problem is that i canīt make any strong therapy with my gf cuz i only can have sex with her each month or less (itīs really hard to find a way to be completely alone).
Any tips?

salu2


Posts: 53 | From: Montevideo, Uruguay | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Sorriez, my bf has the same problem you do, so i know exactly what you're going through. I don't have any tips (i'm not really supposed to give you any anyway ... by way of technique at least) but try to think about these q's ...

1) Are you rushed at all? It's a good idea to set maybe an hour aside, minus distractions and whatever, cuz that could have something to do w/ it

2) Do you REALLY want to be doing what you're doing at the time, or does it just happen b/c that's the only time you can? There's a difference b/w becoming sexually aroused because you really are, or becoming sexually aroused b/c you think this is the only time you'll be w/ her ... Kinda puts undue pressure on both of you, right?

3) Is your head in it? You're 100% right, the biggest part of orgasms are psychological. Other factors like how you're feeling overall, who your partner is and stuff like that play a part in it too ...

Lastly, remember ... sex isn't a race. Don't think about orgasming being the only thing you're going for, cuz it really shouldn't be. If you think about it all the time, then it won't happen ... Like watching a kettle boil ; The more you watch it, the longer it will take. Just relax and it will come (no pun intended .. really lol)

(And kudo's for being comfortable enough to masturbate in front of your gf!! This way she can see what you like best *AND* it shows you really trust her and are comfortable enough to do that around her ... good stuff )


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
4.exe
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quote:
Originally posted by LilBlueSmurf:

1) Are you rushed at all? It's a good idea to set maybe an hour aside, minus distractions and whatever, cuz that could have something to do w/ it

>When Iīm REALLY rushed (and that means 20 minutes or less time to have sex) obviously i donīt try to have an orgasm myself, cuz i know i wouldnīt. We only try when we have 2 or 3 hours. Generally we even try to sleep together 15 minutes to relax, and try to do everything slowly.

2) Do you REALLY want to be doing what you're doing at the time, or does it just happen b/c that's the only time you can? There's a difference b/w becoming sexually aroused because you really are, or becoming sexually aroused b/c you think this is the only time you'll be w/ her ... Kinda puts undue pressure on both of you, right?

yup, generally... i admit that sometimes iīm not really soooo excited, but most of the time iīm dying to have an orgasm. But some times yrīe right.

3) Is your head in it? You're 100% right, the biggest part of orgasms are psychological. Other factors like how you're feeling overall, who your partner is and stuff like that play a part in it too ...

I think my biggie problem is self-esteem. But what i can do to solute that? =(

Lastly, remember ... sex isn't a race. Don't think about orgasming being the only thing you're going for, cuz it really shouldn't be. If you think about it all the time, then it won't happen ... Like watching a kettle boil ; The more you watch it, the longer it will take. Just relax and it will come (no pun intended .. really lol)

>heh, trust me, after five months of playing and foreplay without having and orgasm and playing with milk cream, and lots of stuff without coming. But, itīs in fact, not only me, but my gf that feels that sheīs unable to make me reach and orgasm, and feels like crap for that =(

(And kudo's for being comfortable enough to masturbate in front of your gf!! This way she can see what you like best *AND* it shows you really trust her and are comfortable enough to do that around her ... good stuff )


thx!


Posts: 53 | From: Montevideo, Uruguay | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Aw crap ... i'm so sorry guys, i didn't realize it posted 3x
Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hanne
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No problem, Miss Smurf, I got rid of the extras.

I think the advice you gave was spot on, too. Good show!

I think that where your head and your thoughts are -- and how you feel about yourself and about what you are doing -- is the most important thing.

As for your girlfriend feeling like a failure if you don't orgasm, 4.exe, it is up to YOU to tell her that she's not. It's not up to you to convince her, but you do need to at least tell her.

One of the things about sex that a lot of people go their whole lives withotu understanding is that sex needs to be fun! If it isn't fun, it's not going to feel all that good, it isn't going to be as easy to stay in the mood, and it isn't going to be nearly so likely to make everybody happy.

I think that maybe, just maybe, part of the solution to your problems here is to ask yourself: "Hey, am I having fun?" If the answer is yes, you're much more likely not to have your mind wander (you know how when you're doing something really fun, you never get bored or distracted?), you're more likely to feel good about yourself (you ever notice how you rarely feel that low-self-esteem feeling when you're doing something you really enjoy?), and you're more likely to be relaxed and enthusiastic. Sounds like a recipe for sexual success to me.

Often, people approach sex as this "oh my god, everything has to be right and I have to do everything right and I have to be a total sexual superstar or my life is OVER" sort of affair. Nothing could be further from the truth. Just play around with it. Have fun. Laugh. Experiment. If you're not having fun, and not sharing that joy with your partner, see if you can't find ways for that to happen. It really makes a huge difference.

------------------
Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheneB
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this might sound silly, but i think some guys will back, but try to tense all your muscles when your trying to orgasm. Its its a phsycological thing or really anything but physical this won't help, but if it is physical, it should.
Posts: 69 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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That's kinda interesting Thene ... cuz my bf does the same thing. But that's technique isn't it? Hush hush! Be careful ... wouldn't wanna get yourself in trouble now would ya
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TheneB
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Well i think the idea behind the no technique is to keep this pg13. I dont think saying " tense all your muscles" in any makes it R so i THINK its alright. If my post disappears, i guess that means im wrong : )
Posts: 69 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Actually ... it hasn't disappeared yet so i guess it's alright ... hehe But i think the reason for not discussing technique would be due to the fact that everyone is different ... including sexual preferences and what works and what doesn't. Suggesting that someone "flex their muscles" is still pg13, but it's still kinda boarderline i guess. Just a reminder ...
Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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