My boyfriend and I recently had sex for the first time. It was the first time for both of us. At first everything was going smoothly until he was having trouble getting off, no matter how much he tried, he couldn't orgasm. I was just wondering why it happened or what it means. Thanx.
Posts: 2 | From: Miami, FL, USA | Registered: Jul 2000
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Here's the thing: sex isn't about orgasm. A lot of us have this idea that it is, that orgasm is the goal of sex. But it really shouldn't be.
Sex should be about intimacy, and about pleasure. We can have those things whether we orgasm or not, and, conversely, we can orgasm but still not have those things.
Somehow, a lot of people got the idea that sex guarantees orgasm for men. While a lot of men have an easier time getting to orgasm than many women do, there are still no guarantees. When we don't orgasm, it doesn't mean anyone is doing anything wrong. It's simply that our bodies aren't interested in doing it right then, for any number of reasons: stress, overstimulation or a lack of stimulation, sleep patterns, emotional or intellectual preoccupation, etc. And first time intercourse is certainly stressful, even when it is wonderful.
In the future, it may be helpful if you both come to sex understanding that it isn't just about getting off. That's what masturbation is for. It's about lots of things, ALL of which are valuable and wonderful. And sometimes, simply getting rid of that kind of expectation makes all the difference.
I think one of the most important things to keep in mind about first times and orgasms is that the ability to have an orgasm can vary an awful lot depending on a bunch of factors, and one of the biggies is self-consciousness... and another of the biggies is nervousness... and yet a third big reason someone might not orgasm is that they're tense or scared.
First-time sex is pretty much guaranteed to include a hefty dose of all of those things. Happens to guys as well as girls, and like Scarlet said, sex is not a one-way path to having an orgasm for anyone, male or female.
Truth is, many people don't have orgasms during their first sexual experiences, and that's perfectly okay and normal. Usually, with a little more trust and familiarity, things will fall into place as far as having orgasms is concerned.
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