posted
We've had a surge of late of users dealing with strongly homophobic family and friends: something that is incredibly hard, especially when you've no choice but to live at home, or when your social circle is very limited.
So, here's a space to connect with others dealing with the same things you are at home, where you can get some support and community.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think this is a wonderful idea. I know there are a lot of other GLBT members with the similar situation I'm in. I hope this support group works.
+ X
Posts: 3 | From: Wherever I stand | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
I've told three people now. My sister, a close guy friend, and a bisexual friend whom is also hiding it from her parents. Since then, my friends have noticed how much more happy and "alive" my personality has been. I guess it's because I've been carrying the load with me for so long, telling at least some people relieved some of the pressure. I also just think it's nice to be able to talk freely about who I think is attractive and normal things like that to at least two of my friends. My sister and I don't talk about it anymore but that's because I begged her not to bring it up. It's just too uncomfortable for me to talk about to anyone in my family yet, even though my sister took it pretty well.
-------------------- Escape to collect my thoughts, As true as it may be; It never has the same effect, It once did have on me. Posts: 14 | From: Southeast | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
My family was pretty homophobic when I first came out to them as bisexual. They pressured me to get with a guy and everything. So I was terrified to tell them I was in a fact a lesbian.
The reason I was terrified? They always made homophobic remarks and would ridicule my sexuality. I couldn't really do anything because I have to live with them while attending college. My parents live about 200 miles away and are completely supportive of my sexuality. So that helped a bit.
After a while it became too much to wear they always made me cry or something. So I told my mom and she called my aunts and had a talk with each of them. After that the whole family had a heart to heart talk with me. I told them how hard and scary it was at times to be a lesbian in a closed minded city. How I feared for my safety and how they made things worse for me. I told them I could never be straight. That it wasn't me. And I was sorry. They seemed to be disappointed at themselves. They didn't realize their jokes and remarks hurt me that much. I think they felt really bad because I'm like their favorite neice.
They completely changed their attitude after that. I guess they never knew how much they really hurt me. They now accept me as I am. They are trying to learn about GLBT causes and even my grandma seems to accept me. They don't make any more remarks. They talk to me about my sexuality and stuff.
I think I was pretty lucky in this case. They even said they are ready for me to bring a girlfriend home.
So I hope everyone here can get the help they need because it can be done. It takes awhile but it's worth it.
posted
Darkfire, we hadn't heard back from you after your last posts, so I had no idea you did finally wind up asking your Mom for help (yay!) and that DID make a big difference (double-yay!).
That's fantastic.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
-------------------- Escape to collect my thoughts, As true as it may be; It never has the same effect, It once did have on me. Posts: 14 | From: Southeast | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yeah i did in fact wind up telling my mom about everything. She talked to my aunts cuz she knew I wouldn't be able to do something like that.
But after everything came out in the open it has been great. I have helped my family become more open minded about this subject. And they defend me now whenever someone says something to me.
I mean there are times when they can be hard headed but at least they are trying and improving. I have to give them props for that. I still probably have a long way to go though but I'm not letting that hold me back.
But I want to thank you Heather for giving me advice and courage to make a difference. I can't thank you enough.
Posts: 8 | From: waco, texas | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Please! Anyone feeling more able to be who they really are, love and accept themselves, and help diminish homophobia in any family, group or community hardly needs to thank ME, gal.
The props go to YOU!
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hi. I just registered so I could post to this thread. =3 Because I definitely know what you people mean about homophobic families. My mother is deep into the box of anti-gay and doesn't seem to want to come out of her deep dark box of hatred anytime soon. It makes me half-glad that she doesn't know I'm bi. Although we did have a rather terrifying discussion a couple months back. She looked up some internet history on her computer and I'd been looking up some GLBT group sites so she started asking questions. I tried to weasel my way around it, but it didn't work, so I tried to muttled around my side of the argument, feeling scared and defensive knowing her opinion. She asked me if I was a lesbian and I ended up saying no, because I'm actually bi.... and explaining that was not working out... =\ In the end, she asked me a few things like, "What did I do wrong?" and said, "I feel like this is my fault." All the while, flabbergasted that "I would even consider being sexually attracted to another girl". I mostly told her that it was no one's fault, that I loved her, and that I didn't want to upset her. We haven't talked about it one bit since and she hasn't said a word. It's kind of eerie and it leave me just a little creeped out. I've had a million questions- like, Did she tell Dad? Does she even think anything of it? Did she just forget about it all? Is she just just ignoring it?
I'm very thankful that it didn't go as badly as it could have.
On the more cheerful note, I've come out to one of my friends, ironically, because he came out to me... =3 And now my girlfriend and I hang out with he and his boyfriend (when his bf comes to visit) and we go riding in the amazing "gay car". =D (which is my nick-name for his bf's car... ^^)
And to everyone else out there--
I know how you feel. I know how much it sucks having the people you love and care about most think the least of a big part of you. I know what it's like hurting with every homophobic comment and playing along. And I want to just hug you all because it's hard but it's got to get better, and even if it doesn't, at least we have each other. =)
[ 08-01-2007, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: gaydar_luv ]
Posts: 4 | From: On the Edge of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm heterosexual, but I live in a highly homophobic household (which consists of me and a parent, and I'm not the one who's homophobic). I don't know, maybe it's out of place of me to post this here, but it just tears me up inside to hear what this person says about some of my girl friends (who are not gay but there's no changing the parental's mind), and it's really even worse when the parental comes down on me for (zomg o noez) speaking up about how I feel about what is being said.
It goes without happening for extended periods of time, but each arguments gets more and more heated, and... well. It's just really ugly. And I have to stay here. And it burns me up inside. If my parent knew I had gay girl friends (for I am a girl), said parental would ... probably make it a huge deal. I'm being penalized as it is just because I've never had a boyfriend (crushes? yes; boyfriends? no) and I'm a senior in college.
I can't help but feeling that this is a little out of place in this thread, because I'm not gay and all (and I'm sorry if it isn't, I can delete it -_-), but it just hurts that some people can't even live with the fact that a heterosexual raised in a considerably conservative manner can be so relaxed with the fact that people near you may or may not be gay. (Heck, sometimes I kind of wish I were gay, just so I could say that I am and get disowned already.)
Anyway, I've read the stories in the thread, and I'm glad for those coming out worked out well for, and I hope it gets better for everyone, everywhere.
-------------------- "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction." "We live in a spaceship, dear." "So?" Posts: 4 | From: Upstate NY and western PR | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
La Soldier, I think it's more than fine for you to be posting here.
Just like sexism and racism harm\ everyone, but harm the most oppressed more, such is the case with homophobia: any sort of bigotry or bias really is harmful to everyone, even those who aren't directly in the line of fire.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I just wanted to say thanks for everything that you've done for me. I haven't been able to tell my parents (no surprise there), but I've told my sister and two friends and I'm already much, much, much happier as a person. I also don't feel bad about checking girls out, (which I do a lot, haha, if I may say so, ahem.) It just feels good to be not held down.
I have a question though, as I've noticed this while I was walking about the city and on television. Why do most lesbians have short hair and have numerous piercings and seem to be really.. kind of creepy? I know there shouldn't be a standard or like stereotype but this is what I've been seeing around, (like I saw a lesbian couple holding hands in the elevator et cetera), and it's kind of I dunno. So why do you think that is the case?
-------------------- Escape to collect my thoughts, As true as it may be; It never has the same effect, It once did have on me. Posts: 14 | From: Southeast | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
That's a hard question to answer, because to be honest, I've never found lesbians as a whole group to be any more or less creepy than anyone else. But even if all the lesbian women I knew were pierced and short-haired, I don't know why I'd find that creepy, myself: I came of age in the punk scene in the eighties, and very few people of any orientation or strip I see walking around with piercings and short cuts look as out there as we all did then (and even then, I didn't think how we looked made us seem creepy).
Mind, I'm sitting here with a couple piercings in my own face, and I'd have short hair myself if I didn't look like such a dope with it and/or could be sure I could afford regular haircuts to keep it looking decent.
But I don't think we can say that most lesbians look any one way: I know an awful lot of queer women without any piercings, and plenty with long hair. I also know some WITH percings and plenty with short hair (though the short hair issue often is going to have more to do with gender identity rather than sexual orientation, as well as with how sometimes our appearance and how we express our appearance can differ when we have less to do with beauty standards set by men). Too, everyone tends to have their fads: certainly twenty years ago, it'd be unusual to see most folks, lesbian or otherwise, with facial piercings, and certainly, even just fifty years ago, women of every type were strongly discouraged to have short hair, even when that's what they wanted.
So, I'm hoping you can see why this isn't really an answerable question, since while certainly, stereotypes do now and then come from somewhere, plenty of people don't fit them. Like anyone else, lesbian women differ in how they present, groom and behave, and our percpetion of any person or group of people often has as much to do with ourselves as it does with that other.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hahaha. Thanks. Yeah, I didn't think it was very answerable, or if it wasn't even really a solid question in the first place. I just noticed. I guess it is just slightly creepy to me because I've been brought up so tight knittly, and am not used to the look, but oddly enough all these impacts I'm having from my upbringing doesn't seem to be affecting my sister at all. She has plenty of piercings and tattoos, but that stuff just doesn't tickle my fancy. I love having short hair. I had short hair for years until I got tired of women (literally) kicking me out of the women's bathroom for not believing that I was a girl. But I dunno, I'm just going to stop talking/typing, haha.
-------------------- Escape to collect my thoughts, As true as it may be; It never has the same effect, It once did have on me. Posts: 14 | From: Southeast | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I, too, have something of a homophobic environment. I don't know my parent's opinions, having never asked them, and not being directly related to the issue (for all intents and purposes, I seem to be heterosexual), but my grandfather is an extreme homophobe. He and I have actually gotten into a heated arguement about them, and if you knew my grandfather, being otherwise one of the nicest, most gentle men I've ever known, you'd understand exactly how much that argument rattled me. I think he's bitter, because his brother turned out to be gay.
Gramp's also a bit of a racist, too, but that's a story for a different time. Truth told, Gramps isn't unique where I live. In fact, pretty much everybody in his age bracket holds the exact same views on a damn-lot of topics. And it disseminates down through the generations. I was spared from it due to my mother's influence on the family (I believe Dad was, too), and am the most liberal one of the entire family, which makes me something of a pariah in my province. PEI has to be the most backward corner of North America, I swear... In no more than two years, come hell or high water, I'm leaving it, though. I suppose that's something to look forward to.
-------------------- "And you're really asking me if I prefer injury to embarrassment? That's not even a choice. I don't know anybody who's literally died of embarrassment."
People are annoying sometimes. Posts: 78 | From: Summerside, PEI, Canada | Registered: Jan 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well my story is a bit stagnant but I relate to you all. My dad is aggressively homophobic... one doesn't instantly feel an urge to jump into his line of fire when seeing the scary way he shouts at camp-male tv personalities (he doesn't distinguish mannerisms from sexuality). If I were to tell him what I really thought he probably wouldn't understand, and wouldn't believe me, he'd probably think I was in his words "warped"; I don't know what kind of relationship I could have with him, if the indicators for how he would react are any thing to go by.
I said it was stagnant, because well, there's no major breakthroughs, no struggles; There's no point unless they would (at the moment they wouldn't) yield a happy ending. But the more I get to know myself, the less I will ever need his approval. The compromises I may have to make are the worst part, but I don't have to worry about them for quite a while and things may change or I may eventually be able to accept them. One thing that will always be good is that I've learnt from his mistakes, If I ever have kids, they'll definitely be accepted.
posted
My parents are homophobic, although my mom is like your dad, PenguinBoy; terribly aggresively homophobic.
We just had a huge fight, where she started out by saying that she's expecting Jacob(my best guy friend) to be her future son-in-law. I don't know why that bugged me so much, but it did. I decided to officially come out to her. I started by saying "that's gross, mom, I'm not attracted to Jacob 'that way', ew." to saying "I don't even like guys... I don't want a boyfriend or anything..." Just trying to drop hints here and there.
She ended up blowing up at me saying that I need a boyfriend, why don't I have a boyfriend, it's a little weird that a girl my age hasn't found a guy yet. (I'm 16.)
The fight escalated with her making incredibly homophobic remarks and me getting mad. I never actually officially came out to her, because I just couldn't get enough courage to say "I'M A LESBIAN, MOM!"
She disowned me anyway. I didn't even come out to her, but sticking up for gays was enough for her to hate me. She told me she hates me, she wishes I was never born, and that I am no longer her daughter. And she kicked me out of her house.
I live at my dad's anyway, so it's not like it's a shock to be away from her. It's kind of nice, actually, to get a break from her. And no, I don't think I'll be officially coming out to her anytime soon...
My dad, he's homophobic in the sense that he's Christian and he dislikes gays just because the Bible tells him to, but he isn't entirely sure WHY he dislikes them. He is not NEARLY as bad as my mom, but I am too afraid to come out to him right now in case he kicks me out too, though I doubt that is going to happen.
My dad is honestly a really nice guy. I think he will be shocked if/when I come out to him, but get over it after a little while.
I know that's not a success story or anything, but it's just nice to get things off my chest and have a place to go where I know I will be accepted for who I am.
-------------------- "think outside the box, collapse the box, and take a f***ing sharp knife to it." - banksy Posts: 58 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
I know it's likely of little comfort right now, and it may not (validly) even matter to you right now, but it's pretty likely that some time in the future, even if it's in the not-at-all-near-future, your mother is very likely to feel absolutely terrible for how she reacted and what she said to you.
Too -- and again, I know it's likely of little comfort -- in a pretty short time, you'll be in the position where who your family is will be entirely up to you: like many of us have for many reasons, you can make a family of friends. Family doesn't just have to be people we're related to, and sadly, sometimes, those people end up not to be our "real" family at all. But oo, in that relatively short time, you'll have a choice of where to live and situate yourself so that you can make that family and be in however supportive a community you want to be in. Sometimes, where we live makes a HUGE difference: in one area, it can be all but impossible to find queer and queer-accepting community, while in another, it can be incredibly easy.
In the meantime, big hugs your way, gal.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I know exactly what you mean, Heather. My family right now are my two best friends, Jacob and Amanda. I love my dad and I love my sisters.. but my friends are sooo important to me, I don't know what I'd do without them.
-------------------- "think outside the box, collapse the box, and take a f***ing sharp knife to it." - banksy Posts: 58 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Sometimes, it's a come-back-around thing, too. For instance, with myself, both due to issues of homophobia as well as abuse and other issues, I am really just NOW, at the tender age of 37, starting to slowly let my "real" family back into my life in stages.
And things ARE different. In fact, for the first time ever when I was visiting home the week before last, my mother and I got to talk about how useless it was for her to only talk to me about sex when it came to boys, and just assume -- because lord knows I wasn't going to come out there -- that that's who or only who I was dating. In fact, quite subconsciously, my mother found a way to separate me from EVERY girl I deeply loved, stating we were bad influences on each other. I think some of that was just cluelessness, but that that, and a lot of other behaviours towards me, were deeply internalized homophobia as well. Back in the day then (as is still sometimes the case now), it;d have been thought that I was even more of a bad child or slut then I was thought to be if I was dating same-sex, and when it did come out after I left that house (I left home young), the reactions validated every fear I had about coming out.
But sometimes, people do change. Not always, alas, and if there is REALLY awful bigotry on your mother's part, it very well might not change. But then again, it might, and that's really a ball that's in her court, not yours. In the meantime, you find your family where you find them.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
My parents are kinda homophobic, thinking that gays and lesbians are strange and not normal...not right. I feel like a coward not coming out to my family =[
I've 'come out' to some of my friends, and all of them have been fine with it which is a great relief.
Oh and also, I've got a crush on a girl I met a few weeks ago, and I'm working up the courage to tell her I like her. Thing is, I think she's straight...and it seems to be that every girl I like is actually straight, and every guy I like doesn't return the feeling. So sometimes I feel a bit hopeless really =[
Posts: 18 | From: U.K | Registered: Oct 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I guess I have kind of a weird situation. My parents aren't really homophobic, but my mother recently left my father for another woman...in some ways, it probably sounds like an GLBT kid's dream come true...but the fact is, at the moment, I'm harbouring quite a bit of anger for my mother (not because she fell in love with another woman, but more because I don't think she could have handled the situation in a more selfish, hurtful way) and while I love her a great deal, I don't really want her to think that I'll be more forgiving of her bad behaviour just because I'm not heterosexual either. And knowing her, that likely is what would go through her head if/when I come out to her anytime in the near future.
My dad...isn't really homophobic, and on a purely ideological and political level, is very pro-gay rights and liberal and all that, which is cool. But, like a lot of people of his generation (he's in his 60's), homosexuality makes him uncomfortable on a more personal level. Like, he would never vote to deny any kind of GLBT rights, and he's not weird about being around gay people per se, but it's not the kind of thing he really likes to see or think about. Not to mention, the whole fiasco with him and my mother has, understandably, left kind of a bad taste in his mouth regarding the whole gay thing.
I actually posted a thread about this whole dilema a while back, and thanks to some of Heather's thoughts on the matter, I've sort of decided that at least for now, I don't ave any real reason to come out to my parents. I identify as pansexual, and as far as gender-identity, I don't really identify as male or female...I still live as my birth sex, and for the time being am reasonably happy to do so, but have struggled with some degree of gender dysphoria throughout my life. So, the way I see it, until/unless I end up in a serious same-sex/same-gender relationship where I want to bring my partner home to meet the folks and/or decide to no longer live as my birth sex, I don't exactly find it a priority to come out to my parents. And hopefully, if that time comes, it will be after I've forgiven my mother completely (which I think I will eventually) and my father has recovered from his rather severe emotional blow.
-------------------- "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -Oscar Wilde Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
my parent's are christians and are traditional/conservative when it comes to sexuality too (not sex - they are pretty open in that regard).
They make homophobic comments all the time; Only recently did I start sticking up for lgbt people as an "ally" The first time was the worst. After a few months, I came out to them as bisexual (this summer).
Surprisingly, they acted better than I expected. My mom, who I told first, said what I thought she would...'you know we can't accept your choice to be that way,' 'you know that's a sin,right', 'it breaks my heart that you are deciding to live that lifestyle. I don't want to you to go to hell.' Not great, but at least she didn't yell at me or berate me for the rest of the time I was there. (college was begginning again).
I told my sisters (who are 13 and 15)afterwards...when they started to talk about my transgendered cousin. They grabbed the bible and me made promise to God that I was telling the truth. Then, they ran to my dad and told him (thankfully...I didn't plan on telling him myself). Surprisingly, my dad choose to give me the 'silent treatment', which I didn't mind at all. He's a LOUD man and is very vocal. So, I was happy with his silence. In fact, I don't feel like talking to them about any of my personal life anytime soon.
What surprised me and hurt me the most...was my younger sisters' reactions. They condemned me and told me it was wrong. They have given me disgusting looks when I talk about a girl I like. They have called me the 'f' word several times - which almost made me cry(I decided not to give them Xmas presents b/c of that...not productive, but I couldn't be the nice older sister who spoiled her sisters this year.)
I hope my sisters won't remain this way - since they are young; I hope they will grow to accept me for me and not judge me. If not, I'll survive.
-------------------- ============================ A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step Posts: 5 | From: Lexington, Ky | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I wouldn't consider myself homophobic (I've worked with gays, they make great friends and frankly, I've never really cared about anyones sexual orientation) but I've recently found myself at a crossroad. Please allow me to explain.
I am the eldest sister of four to a single, wonderful parent. My younger brother and I are only one year apart and we've always been a tight-nit family. Last year, I moved away from home for University and we've lost a little touch. My brother has always been a little "femine", attributed to him growing up so close to his sister. This summer he chopped off his long curly locks, "has been tispy" (when he's never had any interest in drinking), and yesterday he told me he is Bisexual. I didn't think I had a problem with this.
Unfortunately what I feel and how I think I should feel aren't matching up. I've always joked about him looking/ acting "gay" but he dated girls all through high school so I never thought much of it. Now, don't get me wrong, I am happy for him and I feel he should tell the rest of the family on his own time (he's asked me not to say anything to our parents) but I feel like everything I've ever known about my little brother has been thrown out the window; Almost like a part of him, or what I knew of him, has died. And yet I feel like I'm being ridiculous because he really is he same person as he was a week ago.
That's when I came upon this site, that I thought might help me. When I'm at a loss, I do research. I'm his sister, I love him, I support him and everything he does. So what's the next step? For me I mean. I've been asking him question incessantly: How long have you felt bisexual?, Why are you, after so long, telling me?. To the point of being annoying and yet I feel I deserve the answers to my questions because I'm his older sister.
To conclude, my questions are as follows; I am part of the "homophobic family" that my brother, and from the looks of this threat, most GLBTs are afraid to open up too? Is their anything around to help me "cope" with this new development? Is their anything I should, as an older sister, be doing?
posted
I think it might help to look at what you've said in opening this: that you've never cared about anyone's sexual orientation.
And that makes sense, especially when we're talking about someone who you aren't sleeping with, you know? Your brother is the same brother you have always had, save that he's been finding out more about himself as he grows, as most of us tend to. If you presumed to know his sexual orientation more than he did, that was a false presumption: you can't, couldn't have, never will be able to know that about someone else better than they do. You also don't "deserve" any answers: again, you're not sleeping with him, so why is his orientation relevant to you? What would you gain if he could answer those questions? What do you think that would change?
I don't hear you being nonsupportive or homophobic here to him (though I would suggest taking a look at making those of us who are queer "they" in your head), but what I do hear is you feeling betrayed by something that isn't a betrayal. In so many ways, someone realizing or finding out more about what their orientation is is no different than someone realizing or finding out about what they feel called to do in their lives as far as their occupation. Does that make sense? If our little brother tells us at the age of five he wants to be a firefighter, then later tells us at 20 he wants to be a banker, would it make sense to feel betrayed or lied to?
What you can do is just be accepting and supportive to him, and it sounds like you are. What's going on in your own head is yours, and if you aren't voicing it, it's not harming him, and you can take all the time you need to work your own feelings out.
Do you want to talk more about why you're feeling upset about this, or what you feel like would help YOU cope?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm jillian I have grown up in a christian home well i guess my parents consider themselves independent baptists. well i am a lesbian and my family are all homophobes. My first girlfreind was when i was 16. I worked at a pizza place and she liked me but i did not know i was a lesbian at the time. I had been really sheltered and pretty much believed what i had been told my whole life. That being gay is wrong bc of what it says in the bible. Well i fell hard for this girl and we eneded up getting together it was great i was so happy but it was hard sneaking around. well one time we went to the mall together and my dad picked me up early for work.He saw us kissing well when i got off work it all went down it was awful. Thye did not let me out of their sight and i cuouldnt do anything. The worst part is they tried to get my gf fired and even tried to use her age against her bc she was 19 and i was 17. It was really bad.My mom called me a filthy slut and they said i was their worst child and i always messed up everything.and a bunch of other bull**** I was heart broken bc i did not eve get to say good bye to my gf or any one. The next day my parents sent me away to this christian group home for kids in florida. I had to tell them that i was not a lesbian and that it was just a phase and that i would never do that again. Well i was really sad and missed my gf alot and i finally tried to forget about her. I only told one other girl at the home about my gf. well after two years of being there i ended up back at my parents.We never talked about my gf again after all that. I have finally moved out and me and my ex gf are just friends right now. It feels great not to be lviving with them any more! I am free to be who i am and life is alot less stressful! I dont have to sneak out any more! I know that if i told my family they would never talk to me any more. I guess i dnt care as much if my rents did not speak to me bc we have never had a relationship at all but i love my brother and sister alot and it would kill me to have our relationship broken! idk if they would completly exclude from their lives but ik things would be different between us forvever. They believe what the bible says is true and the bible talks about how same sex relationtions is wrong. I wish i could tell my family and not have to keep this secret the rest of my life. I dnt even have any relatives that i am close to that i could tell or even know of any that would be accepting of it. it sucks having to live like this but it would kill me to think that i would not have the sam relationship with my brother or sister. My brother has always been there for me he has been the only one in my life to protect me n help me i dnt want them to think i am trying to hurt them either I told my best friend from florida ands she does not speak to me anymore:( I told my other really good freind also from the home in florida and he was really mean about it at first calling me the f word and stuff and saying i was a liar the whole time. he is starting to be a lil more accepting about it though and coming around a lil but still does not lik it. I only have a few freinds that know and are kool about it.
-------------------- live and let live Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
Welcome to Scarleteen (and what a neat username!) Thank you for posting... I'm so sorry to hear how your parents reacted. To me, what they did is just over the top and wrong. But you know that and you've worked hard to be yourself and live your life as you choose (or should I say, rightfully DESERVE!) and that is something to be majorly proud of! Maybe with time your parents will come around, maybe not, but I know you're definitely doing the right things here. I'm glad your brother is there for you. And I'm sorry your best friend was not so supportive at first but I'm so glad he's coming around; sometimes people need some more time but they get there.
There are many Christians who are *not* opposed to homosexuality (or bisexuality, etc. etc.) And a lot of Christian scholars who interpret the Bible differently than your parents do. Here are some links you may be interested in:
- Here's a list of gay-friendly churches around the world. The list of churches in Minnesota is long and certainly not all-inclusive. If you're interested in practicing your faith (if you also ID this way) with welcoming and accepting people, you could check out one of those places.
- Soulforce is a neat organization founded by Jerry Falwell's former ghostwriter that works to "end spiritual violence" against LGBT people of all religions and backgrounds. They also have an informative brochure entitled What the Bible Says - And Doesn't Say - About Homosexuality, which you can download for free at the site. If you're feeling bold, you could send a copy of that home to your parents.
Are you looking for any specific type of support or resources? If so, please let us know and we'll help as best we can. (I see you've posted about something else here for one.)
posted
thank you lena for the advice and the information! I deffinatly like to read other things about the Bible and what others ahve to say about it and what is true and what is not true. I would someday like to find out for myself the truth instead of people just telling me what i should believe. I have been surrounded by close minded christians my whole life right now i am not going to church at all or anything bc i was always forced to before, but mayb someday i could find a church full of people that are not judgemental or hypocrytical towards people and will love and accept all people as i believe what God would do. Thank you for the list of churches and the brochure was very intersting maybe i will email it to my mom I just recently moved to another area in minnesota and i dont really know many people at all espcially from being in florida all of high school. I would love to find some kind ofsupport group or community group i could get involved in and meet more people.I really want to make more friends and even try to get to know people around my area. I live in burnsville minnesota right now.i live pretty close to all the major cities though like minneapolis. Thank you for your help and advice!
-------------------- live and let live Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hey jilly bean13, it's good to hear from you and I'm glad you like those links-- you're welcome. It sounds like you're doing a really good job balancing all this! I've asked someone who knows your area better for any personal suggestions, and we should be getting back to you with those soon.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
I'm back with some resources I found online. While I can't vouch for them personally, they all look really good!
Here's a queer-friendly support group located right in Burnsville called BE Proud. It looks like a cool way to meet a lot of nice local people. It looks like they're even having a potluck and screening of Rent this Wednesday at 5 p.m (gee, I wish I could go! )
Here's what the site link says:
quote:BE Proud is a GLBT Friendly Support Group based out of THE GARAGE here in Burnsville, MN. We host meetings every Tuesday of the month, unless promoted otherwise. All meetings start around 6pm. Every third Tuesday are movie nights with food and just time to hang out! Every other week are meeting nights to discuss various topics of interest. Meeting nights end around 7pm. Movie/hangout nights end concluding the movie.
We plan on taking group field trips and also attending events ALSO we plan on playing host to many events! So if you are interested in that or just looking for safe supportive transportation to events. THE GARAGE can provide that with a permission slip.
We are open to anyone and welcome everybody. No matter who you are, come and hang out! THE GARAGE is a safe place free of discrimination, so no worries there. If you are new to the group or new to The Garage we have the nicest staff in town! We would love to have you (and your friends) come down and check us out Who I'd like to meet: We would love to meet you!
The Garage is located @ 75 Civic Center Parkway, Burnsville MN 55337.
Additionally, the following site has a lot of various LGBT-related resources, from health centers to other support, outreach and social orgs: Pride Alive (MN) Queer Health Resources.
Please do check those out, attend or contact groups that look interesting, and let us know how it goes!
posted
Thank you for the info I looked up the place it is like less then 10 mins from my apartment buildings! I am going to try to make to their meeting/ movie thing this wednesday I get off work at like 6 though so I will get there late but hopefully not too late. I am a lil nervous about going by myself but i don't know any one who can go with me I will suck it up and go it alone. I don't consider myself shy but only when I am new to something or don't know any one I can be at first. I called them sounds like they have weekly meetings and activities and music and such so sounds like alot of fun. And I am 19 and they said that was tottally fine I don't have to be in high school. I will let you know how it all goes though thanks for the info!
-------------------- live and let live Posts: 26 | From: minnesota | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
My parents split, but they're still friends. My mom came out as bisexual this past January, which I had kinda guessed. My little sister (age 12) took it hard, though, acting as if it was some epic betrayal or something. She's gotten over that, mostly, and even looks forward to having dinner with mom and her girlfriend.
Dad is straight, but has a bunch of gay friends that he hangs out with. Dad's parents don't know that my mom is dating other women. They are very Catholic, but try and be tolerant and open, although there's little telling how they'd react if they knew about my mom.
My grandpa would probably take it okay, but my grandmother would probably use mom's "differentness" as another reason why she doesn't understand me. I'm probably bi, I've liked boys and girls, but I haven't felt ready for partnered stuff, even dating, so I don't know for sure which way I lean. My grandmother is pretty sure I'm autistic, which I've had evaluations for (I'm not). She also (supposedly) blames every period I have when I'm visiting on my mom, even though my she's the one who likes to schedule 10-20 day trips with my sister and I.
Posts: 8 | From: NC | Registered: Aug 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've been pretty lucky as far as accepting friends and relatives go... I've only come out to my sister and three of my friends, but I know that my parents and other friends will be accepting. The people I'm most worried about are my grandmother and one of my uncles.
My grandmother (Mom's mother) lives on PEI and seems old-fashioned in her ways. As James the Dark said earlier in the thread, PEI IS a pretty backwards place - but I think it's mostly because everyone knows everyone else. I get along with my grandmother for the most part, but she always saying things like, "Why is your hair so short? You shouldn't cut it that short," and always asking me if I have a boyfriend. I mean, I'm bisexual, so it's not like it's impossible for me to get a boyfriend, but she makes it seem like it's a huge dilemma if I don't have one at 15 (she got married at 16, so I guess her point of view is understandable in this case). As I mentioned before, everyone knows everyone else on the island, so I'm afraid she'll gossip and not only will she disapprove, but all of her friends and our family friends will as well.
And as for my uncle, I'm not exactly looking for his approval, as, quite frankly, I dislike him. He's selfish and seems... I don't know, small-minded? The problem is, I see him a lot during the summer, so if he disapproves, it'll poison a lot of conversations.
But these are just little worries, in the end. My situation cannot be compared to some of the ones already posted here and I'm not trying to make it seem as such.
Posts: 19 | From: Canada | Registered: Sep 2010
| IP: Logged |
How do you think your brother might react if you told him you were gay? What does he think about gay people in general?
(If you trust him enough to go to him for advice, do you think he would be a good person to talk to about your partner hitting you? Just read your other post also.)
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
posted
Sometimes i feel like my family doesnt love me b4 i told them i was gay... I feel kicked to the sided because i choice not to change.. It does hurt a lot
Posts: 63 | From: Fort Myers, FL | Registered: Feb 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, you could even choose to try and change your orientation, save that you'd fail. We have an awful lot of data and study that makes clear it's not somethings anyone can change by force of will.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way, Dee. You're right, it is incredibly hurtful and painful.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I just want them to see that im the same loveable girl i was b4 they found out... Because truly i am i just love different and thats it
Posts: 63 | From: Fort Myers, FL | Registered: Feb 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Here's the thing it may help to know, even though it won't make their nonacceptance not hurt: right now, you are more wise than they are.
In other words, someone with even a smidgen of wisdom know full well that what someone's orientation is can't change a person, because it's part of the person we are. If they love us, whether they recognize it or not, it's part of who they love because, again, it's part of us.
In time, some folks will gain that wisdom, realize they were being biased, bigoted, uneducated, scared or just plain stupid. When they do, some of them are going to apologize to you for their nonacceptance and they're going to really mean it.
Others won't apologize because they will be too proud.
And others still will never gain that wisdom. It stinks, it always does, especially when those folks are the people who matter to us the most, but we'll usually be able to live with that because more and more, we'll be able to see and feel that it's them who's the problem, not us, and their attitudes limit their lives far more than they have the power to limit ours. And we'll have other people, more and more, usually, the older we get and the more we seek them out, who aren't like that. People who accepted us right from the start, or people who didn't, but came around. And we'll usually find those people matter a lot more and have the bigger impact on our lives and feelings.
We'll also usually BE those people for others, and that makes up for a whole lot, too.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
my family is homophobic. my father is a jamaican immigrant and my mother is jamaican (daughter of immigrants). my mom is ok with homosexuality in the as-long-as-it-isn't-my-daughter kind of way but my dad is so against it its not even funny. like i cant even bring it up with him even if it has nothing to do with me. not to mention my brother calls me a lesbian in a horribly mocking tone (i am bi but lean more towards women) and it gets really damn annoying. i want to be able to tell my parents everything but it sucks that i have to keep this from them. also i am financially dependent on them so im not sure what to do.
Posts: 2 | From: boston | Registered: Mar 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
My best friend's mom assumed I was a lesbian, without asking, and then asked teachers if we spent a lot of time together (naturally, being best friends, we did) and the teachers said yes and several know I'm bisexual and told her mom without knowing she was homophobic and obsessed with image and cared completely about what people thought. So, after hearing that I liked girls, even a little bit, she completely forbid my friend from spending any time with me or even being seen near me.
Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hey there, artmusicfoodlove11! Welcome to the boards!
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do you want to talk some more about how your friend's mother's behavior might have made you feel?
Too, this sounds pretty inappropriate on the part of your teacher - am I reading it right when I get the impression your teacher told your friend's mother you're bisexual? That's absolutely not OK, and if you want we can talk about the things you have the right to do to ensure your privacy is respected at school some more.
-------------------- “In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I had a conversation with the teacher about how I didn't come out of the closet to her mom, because of how she would react, and the teacher said that, since I'm dating someone else, my friend and I obviously aren't dating. And then her mom freaked out and said, "I'm 95% sure that she's gay, she has short hair, wears pants and button ups, is a vegetarian (even though both my friend and her mom are vegans because of their religion), and is interested in cooking. Gay people are people too, just not people to associate with" and my friend and I have been secretly talking and most of the teachers are on our side and have mentioned to the principal that I was "outed" by another teacher, so they don't tell her parents that we've been talking and are trying to talk to her about how she can't control her daughter's life, and that I'm really not a "bad influence" (also, my friend is a lesbian, so the situation is a bit more complicated, because we have to convince her mom that I didn't "recruit" her, because the main reason we got so close was because of coming out of the closet drama, and talking to parents about not being straight)
Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged |
quote:Gay people are people too, just not people to associate with.
I don't think I need to explain how angry and upset I am for you about that comment. Maybe you don't need me to say it, but I'll say it anyway: you're definitely people to associate with. If you ask me, the world could do with plenty more short-haired, pants-and-button-ups-wearing, vegetarian, queer women who are interested in cooking.
Since when was being interested in cooking a sign of homosexuality, I might add? The last time I checked, straight folks eat. They do it most every day.
I'm glad that you have the support of your other teachers and your principal, though. That's beyond awesome. If you're out to parents, have you been able to discuss this with them? Have they offered any kind of support here?
-------------------- “In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
My parents know and just finally came to terms with it a few months ago, so we've talked and they want to get involved, but I think that'd only make it worse (very protective parents who are extremely liberal and open minded) because they would make it so it's the only thing we think about.
Part of my friend's mom's homophobia is because she's from India and was the daughter of a politician, so she grew up hearing that anything but straight is terrible and wrong. All I've said to her mom is that we're not dating, and we just want to be friends right now (I make no "for sure" statements unless they are). She hates me now and called me several "choice words"
Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'm glad that your parents are wanting to be supportive when it's wanted. That's awesome.
How are you feeling in this whole situation at the moment? Do you feel that more support is something that you could use?
-------------------- “In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I feel like everyone involved needs some space and time so it can cool off and then we can fix it, my friend is considering coming out to her mom, because it can't get that much worse at this point. She already can't go out with most of her friends (her mom is now paranoid and won't let her go out at all) and her parents already are as mad as they can ever be. My parents, being the cool people they are, have offered to let her stay at our place if she gets disowned and kicked out of her house and wait it out.
Posts: 9 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: May 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Space and time to cool off - I think that's very wise.
Does your friend have access to any resources she might need at the minute with a mom this vocally homophobic, other than being lucky enough to have you and your parents in her corner if needed?
-------------------- “In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
) 
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic