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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Asexual and Aromantic? How do you know it?

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Author Topic: Asexual and Aromantic? How do you know it?
Member # 79841

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I know I should give it some more time and I've tried a few months but now I feel extremely confused and hopeless. I just need to have a name for myself! I can't stand it anymore.

It's so confusing because I've always thought I'm the romantic type of girl, dreaming of getting married and wearing a wedding dress, but now I realized all these feeling have been forced in my teenage years because that's how I thought things are supposed to be. Now I can't even stand the thought of kissing or hugging someone, not to mention sharing my whole life with a PERSON - a person with different hopes, dreams, ambitions and bad stuff than mine. It just freaks me out!

I used to tell this kind of stuff when I was a child because I thought it's natural to say it (like "I don't want to marry a man. I like dogs better") and people told me to shut up. Now I've tried to openly talk with my mother and tell her I really don't think marriage will ever be a good thing for me, but she thinks I say this kind of things because I desperately want a boyfriend. Which it's annoying because she doesn't take my words for serious. All my friends want to get married or look after boys. So sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me. But other times I tell myself it's OK to have different needs and I want to accept myself for what I am - problem is I DON'T KNOW what I am. And I feel an urgent need to know it because I'm sick and tired of pushing myself to do or feel things that doesn't seem natural and healthy to me.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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It actually sounds like you have a pretty clear concept of what you want and that the stress or anxiety that you are feeling about this are cause by external factors such as your mother's disbelief when you express the fact that you don't think that you'll ever want to get married and the societal pressure to grow up, get married and have 2.2 kids. Does this sound right?

And I definantly understand why this would get to you because anytime someone deviates from the norm even slightly there are people who do not accept them.

As per "knowing what you are", you are whatever you want to call yourself, if even you wish to call yourself anything. You don't need a label unless you want one. How do you feel about "asexual aromantic" like you titled this thread?


I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 79841

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"Asexual Aromantic"
In a way it sounds like it fits me and I feel relieved. On the other way I kinda feel guilty because I can't seem to understand exactly what I want or what I need, so I'm not sure it fits me 100%.

My worry is that I'm not one of those people that could honestly say out loud that they've never experienced arousal or they've never been interested/curious about sex/masturbation. Some people JUST KNOW they're asexual or aromantic! Period!

Well, I'm not completely free of these things, I guess... It's just that I can't see what parts of my feelings are true and what parts are forced; because I forced myself to act in a certain way most of my life and I thought I like certain things; and only later I found out those things gross me out and don't seem natural at all - at least for me, cause I don't care what other people do in their private lives.

Also, I'm wondering, could someone become asexual/aromantic in their early adulthood? Because I don't know if I've always been like this. And I also don't know if I will still be like this in 20 years. So I don't want to use in a wrong way a definition that helps a lot of other people to figure them out.

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Identity is always a process of discovery, and that process can take a while. For some people, that process is a matter of uncovering something that stays static, for others it's a matter of opening up to new feelings and new responses as what's going on inside you shifts.

If "asexual aromantic" is a identity that fits you now, if it's a way of understanding yourself that you find helpful, then embrace it. It doesn't mean you have to rewrite your past to make it fit, and it doesn't mean you're promising that what fits will never change.

Taking slow steps is okay. And figuring out where you're at now before spending a lot of time worrying about where you used to be or where you might be going seems like a good way to go.

Posts: 21 | From: New York | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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