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Author Topic: Between orientations
Burdened with glorious booty
Member # 93241

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So, my orientation is really confusing to explain (although it feels pretty normal to me) - I'm demisexual, so I only get sexual attraction after a certain level of trust and/or affection is there, and on a romantic kinsey scale I'd score a 1 or a 2 (1.5?). I've kind of gotten to grips with this, and I've come out as demisexual to people before, and people have accepted that. That isn't what my problem is.

My problem is that no matter how much I want to, no matter how bad I feel for feeling like I have to keep it a secret, I've never come out as saying that I can be aesthetically and romantically attracted to girls, even though it's a really rare occurrence for me. I feel like a liar for identifying as heteroromantic, because it's not entirely true, but I don't feel comfortable calling myself bi because while I've definitely crushed on girls before, these crushes weren't as strong as my crushes on boys and nowhere near as frequent. It's not something that massively impacts my behaviour, and while people have assumed I'm a lesbian because of how tomboyish I am, no one's ever picked up on the times when I HAVE fancied girls, nor have I ever been in a relationship with a girl (being honest, I don't know how likely it'll be for me to get into a lesbian relationship - time will tell?). It shouldn't matter, it really shouldn't, and I know that my close friends would accept it - but I just can't bring myself to say it, because what can I say? "I'm not bi, but I'm not totally straight"? I want to say something to someone, though, because every time I mention that another girl looks attractive in an aesthetic way, I can't help but try and justify myself - like "Okay, I know I'm straight, but I'm not blind - that girl looks fine!" or "if a girl looks good, there's nothing lesbian about saying she looks good." I hate that I keep making these justifications, since I genuinely have nothing against LGBT people, with several of my friends being LGBT (including my own sister, who's bi herself). Hell, if I were completely biromantic, then I'd be a lot more comfortable coming out with it. But I'm not, so I don't want to come out as such...but I still feel like a liar every time I call myself straight. I've come to refer to my overall orientation as "ambiguous" just because it's easier to explain than "demisexual who's not straight but not quite bi either". I'm not questioning either, so I can't tell people that. I know WHAT I am, just not how to say it.

So, my general question is, should I mention this to anyone? Am I somehow being unfair or a liar for not coming out to people? And what can I actually call myself - I mean, would the term "queer" actually suit me, or would people be offended if I used that term when I'm not bi or gay (there's been a big debate as to whether asexuality counts as being queer, but I won't go into that)?


Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Whether or not someone chooses to be out -- in general, or to any given person -- is a personal choice, and it's not information anyone owes someone else. Telling someone you're one orientation when you know you're another isn't being honest, but a) it doesn't seem like that's what's going on here and b) even if it was, that's often not a cut-and-dried issue. It can be complicated.

When it comes to what words you use (or don't) to describe yourself in this regard or any other, if a word or term feels like one that is true to/for you, and one you feel comfortable using, it's all good. No one has a monopoly on these terms, and there's no queer secret police or anything. [Razz]

So, you get to call yourself what you want to call yourself, to whom you want to disclose these things to.

But one thing I'd mention is that really, based on what we know, people being exclusively heterosexual or exclusively homosexual, especially for whole lifetimes, is actually really rare. What most people mean who use those two terms, and how they're also most commonly defined in sexology, isn't as exclusive attraction. Rather, as either an exclusive or primary -- in others words, mostly or firstly -- attraction. And it sounds like you have the sense that all bisexual people have a sort of 50/50 attraction, or an equal attraction in every way to all genders, when that's not so. That's true for some people who are bi/pansexual, but for far more, it's a bit more all over the place.

This piece might help you with that:

Too, though, it might help to apply the same kinds of frameworks and standards you do in experiencing demisexuality to gender attraction. You obviously get how that works, and how black and white that isn't, and this can be just the same way, with things being varied and conditional depending on unique relationships, the development of various kinds of feelings, etc. Know what I mean?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Just Ace
Member # 95560

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Oh my Gosh! Another Demisexual =D!!!!

Now, I am one of those rare rare exclusively hetero-romantic people that Heather said. So I can't give you too much help with that. But Heather said everything, so ^^;

But you know I've always been able to look at a girl and be like: "Wow she is very beautiful." But I have never been sexually attracted to nor fancied a girl. But you can call yourself strait even if you fancy a female time to time if you feel that those feelings arent very strong.

You can even say you aren't sure right now!

Posts: 10 | From: USA - East Coast | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Burdened with glorious booty
Member # 93241

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Yay for demis! [Big Grin]

Thing is, the girls I HAVE fancied are people who I really shouldn't fancy - they've been either female teachers or older friends. Because of that, and because I know logically that it'd never work out, those crushes tend to fade really quickly, which is why I say my feelings aren't as strong. I realise, once I notice that I fancy them, that my feelings are pretty strong - they just tend to go away because I logically know I have no chance of them being reciprocated. I focus my mind on other things, and poof. Gone. I do kind of feel that it wouldn't be impossible for me to be in a relationship with a woman, but I know it'd still be quite rare for me.

Still some really good advice, though. I think calling myself straight would work for now, yeah. [Big Grin]


Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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