I'm 24, female. And here's the thing. I like women a lot. No doubt about that whatsoever. I had a girlfriend some years ago who broke my heart something wicked (my only real "relationship", as it were, thus far), and I've had several female sexual partners since. I'm still kind of hung up on one of them, but we were never going to be in a relationship for various reasons (from her point of view more than mine), and I'm now on the other side of the world, so it seems rather silly to even be thinking about her still. And yet I do. Pine for her, even.
I've only ever had casual sex with men, which I've enjoyed - to a degree. I find some men sexually attractive. I often - perhaps more often than not - think about penetrative sex with men when masturbating. When I've had penetrative sex with men, I've found it exciting. Other sexual activities with men I don't enjoy so much - less from a physical point of view than a mental one (that is, my body likes it, but my mind finds it less than satisfying, so my body can't respond to the degree it otherwise might).
There's a guy in my life at the moment, who's the loveliest guy I've met in some time, and whose company I enjoy very much. A while back we got drunk and he admitted to finding me attractive. I think I would probably enjoy having sex with him, but I'd hate to hurt him, and so probably wouldn't go there for that reason. But his presence in my life has just brought so many issues to the forefront, not the least my continued, ridiculous attachment to my previous female lover.
I suppose all the ranting is because I'm sick of feeling guilty about my attractions to people. I feel guilty when I'm attracted to women, because most of the women I've been interested in have turned me down; I feel guilty when I'm attracted to men, because even though I know it won't ultimately be satisfying and I know that only certain sexual activities with them will do it for me, I nonetheless feel that attraction at some level. I've no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship with a man.
I know that categories of sexual identity are constricting and arbitrary (I study sexuality in history, so I know this perhaps all too well). Yet, in my own life, I can't get over these feelings of guilt no matter whatever and whomever I want. And I'm not sure what to do about them. I'd love to have a girlfriend, but socialising enough to do so just isn't possible in my present situation (I'm in grad school in a very demanding programme). Until then, this guy is in my social circle already, which makes me even more awash with confusion - I'm afraid I'll end up getting drunk and doing stuff with him, and ultimately end up hurting him because - my god - I just want a woman, and I just feel like I will never be able to have a girlfriend again. The poor, lovely guy would always be second best, and I don't feel like I can do that to him. I'm also having trouble letting go of past relationships.
I guess I just feel all mixed up and wanted to talk to someone. I don't feel that there are many people I can talk to about these things, especially now I've moved a long way away from home and am still establishing new social networks.
In conclusion, sigh. How does one get rid of the guilt?
Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005
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Maybe you can explain a little more for me what exactly you are feeling guilty about. You say you feel guilty when you are attracted to women because most of them turn you down - are you feeling that is your fault in some way? Or that it's wrong to be attracted to someone who isn't attracted back? And you're saying you feel guilty when attracted to men because you don't want a relationship with them. Do you think that is wrong, or again, somehow you're fault?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with some people and not wanting a further kind of relationship with them. As long as you are upfront about what you are looking for you can often find other people who are interested in the same thing. And there is nothing wrong with being into other people who aren't into you back. It often takes many tries to find someone to date, and even more to find someone you "click" with.
-------------------- ~Kat Scarleteen Volunteer
I never am really satisfied that I understand anything; because, understand it well as I may, my comprehension can only be an infinitesimal fraction of all I want to understand. - Ada Lovelace Posts: 819 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009
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