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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » So scared and confused - think I might be bisexual but I don't know??

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Author Topic: So scared and confused - think I might be bisexual but I don't know??
sleepinglessons
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Hi,
So I'll just give a brief background to explain my situation. I'm 16 and in the past year I've been going through some issues with depression and anxiety which I've been seeing a counsellor for, and I'm so much better than I was last year. The main thing we talk about is how my becoming independent from my parents as a teenager is causing me mild depression and stuff (if that makes sense).

So in my weird rollercoaster of depression/anxiety I've always gotten obsessive thoughts, and one of them was about my sexuality. The first time I had that thought, it did not come out of liking a girl. I've always liked boys. It came out of one of my obsessive thought thingies. But unfortunately the obsession never disappeared - it comes and goes all the time!

Then, recently, I've been having loads of friendship issues - my best friend moved schools, so I became friends with a bunch of people who I know I have nothing in common with, so I've been really unhappy cos I feel like I'm not close with anyone who I really connect with. THEN, recently, I've become really close with a girl in my school who I suddenly thought - omg! I connect with this girl! I could have an amazing friendship with her! She's amazing! So for a couple of months we've been talking loads and I finally feel like I've found someone who matches my personality, which is rare for me cuz often I feel like I'm too mature/different than loads of girls in my school personality-wise (I go to an all girls school). BUT suddenly something changed - I realised I valued her maybe a little too much to be just friends? I've always felt "different" around her, but I thought maybe that's just because she really is the only person I can currently connect with in my life so I am desperately trying to hold onto that. I feel SOME of the things with her that I feel with boys I like - wanting to be around her, for example, but I don't THINK that I am sexually attracted to her.

All my life I've been attracted to boys and boys only, so this is confusing and scaring me so so so much. I don't want to be bisexual, I don't want to ruin this amazing friendship that was forming between us! What makes it even more complicated is that the reason I wanted to be friends with her in the first place is because I liked her (male) cousin who goes to a nearby school, but when I discovered her amazing personality, I realised I did actually want to be friends with her!

So my issue (sorry for the ridiculous novel length of this question)...I don't know where I stand, and if I am straight/bi. I know that sexuality is fluid and you're not 100% anything, but obviously the majority of people do not know this - I did not realise it until I read it on Scarleteen like last year. People are prejudiced and not understanding. Being anything other than straight, I feel, would ruin my life for now at least. I'm so confused.

And when I told my counsellor, she said I should stop immediately pushing away any feelings/thoughts I may get about my sexuality/girls in general and just let them come. I feel like if she hadn't said that, I wouldn't have let myself properly consider liking this girl and I wouldnt be so confused! I just don't know what to do, I feel really alone and scared in all of this, and I don't know, just needed to write it out I guess..sorry for the length....

Posts: 6 | From: London | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Being bisexual doesn't mean ruining a friendship. We can feel attracted to people -- if and when we do -- and still be friends and still be only friends. After all, no matter what our orientation is, most often, we are not going to pursue or engage in sexual or romantic relationships with everyone we feel attracted to, for a whole bunch of reasons.

As well, plenty of us aren't straight and our orientations haven't ruined our lives. As with many straight people, for many of us who are queer, our orientation has resulted in good feelings and good relationships we have enjoyed and felt have benefitted our lives.

But let's start with the basics: it sounds like you know what sexual and/or romantic attraction feels like for you about guys. Do you tend to have similar feelings and desires for women? Not just this one person, if that's what you feel at all, but a little more broadly?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sleepinglessons
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Thank you so so much for replying, and so quickly [Smile] Honestly I have never felt the way I've ever felt for guys, for girls. I've never been attracted to girls except from this tiny crush/obsession I had when I was 11, so maybe that was something. But I am 16 now, and since then have only ever naturally felt attracted to boys - and I go to an all girls school and am constantly surrounded by girls and never liked any. But at the same time theres a voice constantly tugging on my mind like, "What if..?" and "Maybe you would like girls if you allowed yourself!". So maybe it's more to do with my depression/etc issues than anything else.
Previously I've had sexual fantasies with girls. But these fantasies never transcended into the way I feel about girls in real life and I've always imagined ROMANTICALLY being with boys. With this girl in particular, some things are similar - excited to see her, want to be around her - but that could just be because she literally is the only person I feel I can connect with right now? Ugh I dont know! This is really confusing and I understand you can't give me a proper answer...but thank you again for replying [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, what I hear you saying right now is that you don't yet feel sexual or romantic feelings for girls.

Feeling excited to see someone or be around them is something we can feel for anyone: excitement like that isn't limited to sexual or romantic feelings.

If and when we DO have those feelings...well, we tend to have those feelings, rather than needing to intellectually construct them.

So, for the time being, I'm not hearing you say anything that suggests you have those interests in women. It would be okay if you did -- no more or less okay than that you do for guys -- but I'm not hearing you express them at all, only fears about having them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sleepinglessons
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Member # 90287

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Yeah, I think I'll just see if these feelings develop...I think I'm more scared of what would happen if I did have feelings for girls in terms of parents, society etc. Thank you again [Smile]
Posts: 6 | From: London | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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