Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » am I a lesbian?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: am I a lesbian?
gleestar
Neophyte
Member # 56998

Icon 9 posted      Profile for gleestar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey x
Iím really... nervous about something...
See the thing is that Iím, well I thought I was straight. I live with my 2 gay dads and I love them a lot. I only started my period recently (by recently I mean the past year) and Iíve started masturbating. Itís just... god... err. Iíve been reading like erotic stories online and I realised I was thinking more about what the girl would look like and all the noises and that kind of thing about the girl more than the boy... so anyway I watched like lesbian porn, not hard core stuff or anything like that, just girls making out and I managed to reach my climax...
I donít think Iím homophobic, like I said about my dads, and theyíve never really thought about me maybe being gay. I really canít talk to them about it. I donít have a real reason but Iím still at the sort of stage I donít want to talk about these kinds of things with them.
Basically Iím asking, am I a lesbian. I donít know why but I really donít want to be. [Frown] [Frown]
Thanks xx
Maddie.

Posts: 24 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
Activist
Member # 51804

Icon 1 posted      Profile for loststone     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi Maddie,

First things first, we can't tell you if you're a lesbian, that's an identity which you may or may not use, but it' something personal to you, and no one else can define your sexuality for you.

What you've talked about here is your fantasies. For sure, sometimes we fantasise about things we do want to do, but sometimes we fantasise about things we wouldn't want to do in real life, and we can enjoy them just as they are: a fantasy. Usually, when someone identifies as a lesbian, that's about attraction to women in reality; do you want to talk about that?

Do you want to talk more about why you might not want to be a lesbian?

Here's an article that might be worth a read: Q is for Questioning

Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gleestar
Neophyte
Member # 56998

Icon 1 posted      Profile for gleestar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
To start, thanks for replying [Smile] x

I don't know if I'm attracted to woman, I mean I remember having a dream about half a year ago where I was dating a girl in my class... I have a crazy obsession with Lea Michele (a celebrity) and sometimes I wonder if thatís me being attracted to her. I have a few celebrity crushes on guys but they guys in question are all gay and quite feminine...
Why I donít want to be a lesbian? I donít really know. I just donít want to come out; I donít want to have to tell people that Iím gay. Also I donít know, Iíve always had this set out plan in my mind that Iíll grow up, find a boy, fall madly in love and will have children happy ever after. Things will be so much more difficult I know if Iím a lesbian... I know itís stupid.
Also, Iím friends with all girls!! [Frown] If I am a lesbian, theyíll all think that I would watch them while they got dressed for games and all that. It just all seems so messed up...
Itís like I really donít want to be and worst part is is that people all say that being homosexual is something you choose! But I really really donít want it.
Thank you for the link, it does help a bit [Smile] x
Maddie x

Posts: 24 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
Activist
Member # 51804

Icon 1 posted      Profile for loststone     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
No problem [Smile]

Well, only you can figure that out, but I'd say that dreams probably don't mean much in terms of these things (Have you ever had some really bizarre dreams? 'Cos I know I have, and that certainly doesn't mean those things will ever really happen, or I would want them to if they did). Celebrity crushes can, but sometimes are just something to fantasise about without it being part of reality; I don't know how that is for you. Have you ever had crushes on girls you know? Or boys you know?

I totally understand your concerns there, and yeah, that stuff can be tough. It can totally suck to have to change our plans because they just can't work out that way, and to have to worry about how people react to who we are. But, you know what, it sounds like if it turns out you are gay, you're probably going to have a lot of very supportive people in your life, and you totally can find a partner (of whatever gender), fall in love, have children and live happily ever after (to the extent that "happily ever after" means anything anyway). It's not stupid for you to have these concerns at all, but I think that really, being true to yourself is the best advice I can give. And if it turns out that means you have extra obstacles to face, that sucks; but it will probably suck a lot less than pretending to be something you're not.

Would you feel comfortable talking to your dads about what kind of problems they have faced/do face? Or I can talk a bit with you here about my experiences?

I don't know how your friends will react, but I can say that in my own experience, I came out when all of my friends were girls, and all my peers at school were girls. And you know what, no one thought I was perving on them, ever; because they knew me well enough to not suspect that, and that didn't change because I'd come out, and they knew that just because I'm gay that doesn't mean I'm attracted to every girl I see. And so they acted the same. And I know I'm lucky in that regard, I really am; but I don't think you have to assume that people will react awfully, because often (and increasingly) they won't. (I also think that has a lot to do with age/maturity, I came out in sixth form; people I know who came out earlier tended to face more problems)

Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gleestar
Neophyte
Member # 56998

Icon 1 posted      Profile for gleestar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Itís nice that youíre honest [Smile]

I have had crushes, I think I had a crush on my friend in my class (a girl) and I admit I defiantly feel REALLY different and sort of nervous ect. Around my female music teacher... she is really pretty [Razz]
I used to have lots of crushes on boys when I was a lot younger (like 7 or 8) but I think maybe I was just kidding myself because I liked the idea.. I have had boyfriends but they have always asked me to be there girlfriend, never the other way around... Iíve always accepted because my friend have told me that it would be stupid not to... were still at a age where having a boyfriend is like the coolest thing ever... Iíve never loved any of my boyfriends... I did like spending time with them and I enjoyed all the things people normally do with partners like kissing and stuff...

I do still like the idea, of the whole strong guy to hold me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay but I think that might be me whishing for the sterio type again...
I really donít feel comftible talking to my dadís. I love them and all but I just donít think I could... we are close, just not like that... I pretty much donít see my mom anymore, she lives like 4 hours away and I see her like once every 2 to 3 months but even if I did see her more I wouldnít feel comfortable about talking to her about my sexuality...
My dadís donít talk about the fact there gay much though, they just take it like itís a regular thing and itís almost taboo that there both dudes...
It would be nice to talk about it though... make it seem more real...

With my friends, Iím still not sure... Iím a cheerleader, and most of my closer friends are too, the thing is that they are all quite full of themselves. It makes it harder to even talk to them about like friends you have that are female out of school without them going Ďeww youíre gay!í
I am still quite young so that might affect things as well... [Frown]

Posts: 24 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kawani3792
Activist
Member # 48854

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kawani3792     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This last post sounds a lot like me...I had three or four "boyfriends" where I just said "well, yeah, ok" not really caring...the last one was when I was 16 and I had actually found a smart, funny boy who thought I was beautiful and amazing and absolutely adored me, and I felt absolutely nothing romantic toward him. Kissing was awkward, holding hands embarrassing because I was terrified people would think we were dating and I'd have to actually remind myself that we were and that I supposedly liked this boy. That was about a year after I started developing a crush on a good friend of mine, a girl a couple of years older than me, and by the time I broke up with said boy (can it be called a breakup if we just...didn't talk to or see each other for two years and still haven't?) I was very seriously questioning.

I've since come out to my mom as gay, but to everyone else, I'm me. I stopped trying to say that I'm straight or a lesbian because it feels really limiting, and because if I say I'm a lesbian, I feel silly admitting that I think guys are good-looking and I have to explain that I just don't look at them romantically. For obvious reasons, the label straight wouldn't work either.

Maybe you can just identify as "you"? If you have a thing for a girl, romantically, or a guy, or both, then that's just part of you. It isn't entirely necessary to label every piece of you, even though sometimes it feels like it.
And I'm feeling like a hypocrite because this is the same sort of confused, freaking-out stuff that I went through.

Although if you do identify as a lesbian, and want to come out to them, try asking them if they have a crush on every guy in their presence, if they are attracted to every male that they meet or see or hang out with, or if they have guys who actually are just friends. It's possible for a lesbian to have female friends, just like a straight female can have male friends. Personally, I'm not attracted to that many girls I've met, most of them are just friends, they're fun to hang out with and all but I don't like them that way.

Posts: 178 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
Activist
Member # 51804

Icon 1 posted      Profile for loststone     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, well I think these kind of crushes are going to be more helpful to think about. But there's no rush to define yourself, you don't need to decide now (or ever) what labels to use (like Kawani said, you can just be you), and even if you decide upon a label for yourself, that doesn't mean you have to come out before you're ready (or, again, at all). If you want to talk about those crushes more then we can.

But if you are gay, it will be okay, it is not the end of the world. You have parents who you can pretty much 100% guarantee will be accepting, and presumably you have friends who have no problems with your dads (though I'm sorry to hear about your friends reactions to you having female friends, that sucks, and I can see why that would worry you).

It's understandable that this might not be something you want to talk to your dads about, it was only an idea (though I'm guessing if you asked about their coming out, and homophobia they've faced, they'd be willing to talk about it (though obviously, you know them better than me!)) Like I said before, if you do want to talk about those things, I'd be happy to do that (and I'm sure plenty of other people here would too).

And hey, lesbians can totally get guy hugs! That's what dads (and male friends) are for [Razz]

Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gleestar
Neophyte
Member # 56998

Icon 1 posted      Profile for gleestar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The Ďyouí idea is brilliant. I think Iíll go with that until Iím a bit older. With my boyfriends, when we were kissing and stuff, it was like, nice but nothing more... I would always let them hold my hand and walk with me in public because I wanted people to know I was striate, even though, part of me had doubts...
I talked to my dadís about their crushes and found out that one of my dadís is actually bi [Smile] I think that helped a bit. They asked me why I was asking and I just said it was a project for school to find out more about are parents... even though that was probably perfect time to tell them... I just got nervous...
[Smile]
haha I guess what you said at the end is defiantly a massive benafit [Razz]

Posts: 24 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loststone
Activist
Member # 51804

Icon 1 posted      Profile for loststone     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Glad we could help [Smile] That's great that you were able to talk to your dads!

Let us know if you want to talk about this more.

Posts: 134 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
gleestar
Neophyte
Member # 56998

Icon 1 posted      Profile for gleestar     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay xx [Smile] [Smile]
Posts: 24 | From: uk | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Codeô is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3