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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Seriously confused girl here :/

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Author Topic: Seriously confused girl here :/
Member # 75490

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Hi, um, so I think that I used to be interested in men, but then I started thinking thoughts about having sex with women, but I still liked guys for their personality. But the other day I looked at my vagina and the such and I really didn't like it.
I used to be afraid of penises, but I'm starting to think that I would rather have a penis instead of a vagina.

And ever since I was a little kid Ive been really tomboyish, but now that I'm starting to go through puberty and developing breasts, I just want those gone. I only wear sports bras, but you can still see kind of lumps under my tops, even if I wear baggy clothes. I'm considering breast binders, but I'm not too sure about them. And I would like to buy just guy clothes now.

But I'm still interested in boys, so I was thinking (this is going to sound really mean, I know and I'm sorry, but I just want to know if anyone else has done this) could I get surgery and the such to be a boy, but still be interested in men? Like, homosexual?

If my parents ever found out about this, they would kick me out of the house. I know this for a fact. They just think I'm a 14 year old that doesn't like pink and purple sparkly girly stuff. Mum is dead set against me getting surgery of any kind and thinks that gays and lesbians arent natural and is very mean towards them, and dad is right by her. I don't know what my friend would think, either.

I know you cant have proper surgery for a penis until youre 18, but Ive heard you can have shots for testosterone(?) to look more boyish.

So, yeah... I think Ive adressed a few problems here, but I really would just like some help. Thank you [Smile]

Posts: 1 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29269

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Hi there, missconfusedsloth! Welcome to Scarleteen. [Smile] I'm going to go through the things you're asking about point by point, okay?

I'm hearing that you're experimenting with binding with sports bras and you're thinking about breast binders, but there's something about them you're not sure about. What is it you're not sure about - where to get them, how to use them, how that would look or feel, for example, or something else?

Buying and wearing "guy" clothes is something you can start doing right away if you want to. [Smile] Do you feel there are any things preventing you from doing that?

You can certainly change your gender, whether or not that includes surgery, and continue to be attracted to whoever you're attracted to now. That's the way it works for most people, except maybe that for everyone, who they're attracted to can shift or change some over time.

I'm sorry to hear that your parents aren't supportive. When you say your parents would kick you out of the house, and you know that for a fact, have they said that specifically?

As for surgery and taking testosterone, okay. One thing to consider is that genital surgery is something many trans people don't end up doing, both because it's expensive and because someone's genitals really don't have much to do with gender presentation. That's not to say it's not the right option for you, just to point out that surgery is not a crucial moment when you would suddenly be changing from female to male overnight.

Taking testosterone is certainly something trans people do for a bunch of reasons, and I can dig out some information on that (and how to get that in NZ and what age you have to be), but in any event is likely to be something that's a little ways off for you, in that you may need to be older before a doctor will be willing to prescribe it for you, and it produces irreversible effects. I think the thing to focus on for now is ways you can present your gender, like binding and wearing "masculine" clothing that I hear you expressing interest in.

Too, have you had any counselling or therapy to talk about your feelings? It's often helpful for trans folks (including me!) to have a professional to talk to and make sense of their feelings.

In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Whether people have sexual reassignment surgery or not, there is still the same range of orientations with people who are trans gender, genderqueer, or otherwise not cis gender as there is for people who are cis gender. And whether or not trans gender people get any kind of surgery or not, they still get to "be boys" if boy is how they choose to identify. Make sense?

But none of this is assigned, gender identity and sexual orientations are about how people choose to identify them. But yes, a trans guy who dates/wants to date guys will often identify himself as homosexual, just like a trans woman who wants to date guys will often identify herself as heterosexual. But there is variance all over: there are also lots of trans people who identify as bisexual, pansexual or queer, as questioning, as asexual, again, the whole range.

I'm sorry that you're living in a home right now where the feelings you're having are so unsupported. I'd say it's pretty soon in all of this to start thinking about surgeries, and ideally, you'll also want to start talking with someone about this so they can help you figure out if this is about gender identity or if it's about things like just feeling uncomfortable/freaked by maturing genitals, something that can happen to people of all gender identities. And if you want to consider things like getting hormone therapy, you'll need to start talking to a healthcare provider who works with trans patients for that.

It sounds like seeing someone about all of this would have to be something you did on your own, or perhaps with the help of a family member who would be supportive in helping you with that. Is there anyone in your extended family you can think of who might be able to talk with you? Or, if you have a good deal of freedom, would you like us to help you look for any LGBT youth groups or services which might be in your area you could access on your own?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Depending on what part of the country you're in, there are a few supports and groups out there for young people questioning their gender identity. I'd also be happy to help find these for you. In case you're in Auckland, Rainbow Youth is a great organisation that I have used myself:

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 74024

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There is absolutely no problem liking men and being one. Gender and sexual orientation don't depend on eachother. Also, it's alright to have feelings for both men and women, even if you like one in a different way. When deciding these type of things, let go of labels and focus on what you really like, knowing it might not fit into any boxes and might change later.

as for your parents, it's never easy. Rejection is not uncommon and so, it's my opinion that any conversation with a parent about this should wait until you are independent enough to leave if things go wrong.

In the meantime, look for support somewhere else. Are there teachers friends councilors you can talk to? If not there are alway web sites like this [Smile] .

"Divine I am inside and out, and I make
Holy whatever I touch or am
Touch'd from,
The scent of these arm-pits aroma finer
Than prayer,
This head more than churches, bibles,
And all other creeds"
-Song of Myself, Walt Whitman

Posts: 16 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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